What to Do When a Girl Doesn't Text Back
A reader writes in:
I found something strange. Everytime Im having long interactions with girls in pickups on the streets, I bomb. I mean, she dont text back. It reminds me of Murphies law: If everything cant go wrong, IT WILL. I recently approached 10 women of which gave me attraction signals. They touched me, called me cute, called me the most interesting person, smiled, was high energy, stayd 20 minutes with me, and asked me to text them. I had good interactions with them and was smoothe and confident. I bonded wtih them and made plans to see them. They never texted back and I dont nkwo why.
I did another experiment where I cutted my interaction short about 3 minutes and asked for the number. Most of the shorter ones agreed on dates and texted back, and note, most of them gave me negative signs first. Is it because women use guys that they give fake "attraction signals?" Why do they seem so much into me at first but never bother to actually get into contact again? It happens over and over so much that when a girl give me signals thats too good to be true,I can almost predict that I will never hear from her again and Im alwasy right. I know it sounds counter-intuitive but I think the women who give you immediate signals are maybe time waster"? And what is your thoughts, do you find the same?
Brings back memories.
When I stepped up my activity levels in 2006, I noticed an odd trend: the women I spoke to for longer periods of time, and seemed more into me, ended up being less likely to ever return my phone calls or texts.
How bizarre, I thought to myself. This certainly doesn't make much sense.
But the numbers didn't lie. So, I did the only logical thing I could think to do: I worked to shorten the time I'd spend with girls whose phone number I intended to grab, and only spend a longer time with girls I intended to take home that day or night.
Almost overnight, the problem of girls not texting back and girls not calling back all but disappeared. But it still left me scratching my head a bit... why did spending more time with a girl and having her come to like you more lead to her falling off the face of the Earth and not returning text and calls later?
Things That Lead to Unreturned Texts and Calls
Think of a girl you met that you really liked, that you maybe spent 30 or 40 minutes talking to the first time you met her. She was charming, beautiful, exactly your type.
Got her in your head?
Good. Now, if you can, remember how you felt the first time you called her or texted her. Felt pretty darn nervous, didn't you? Heck, maybe you didn't even text or call her at all. Hopefully that wasn't the case, but there are plenty of guys out there that's happened to... it happened to me, too. In fact, I was this close to never calling the girl who went on to become my girlfriend for 2 1/2 years; it was just too nerve-wracking to dial her number on the phone. I almost didn't talk to her again after the night I met her.
Guess what? Yep -- that happens to girls, too.
It isn't always the reason, and in fact it's only one of four main reasons we're going to take a look at that can cause a girl to not reply to your text messages or phone calls. But girls being nervous and putting pressure on themselves is one of the Big 4 Reasons why they don't respond.
It's probably the most surprising reason for a lot of guys, so that's why I chose to lead off with it. But there are three other reasons, too. The four reasons women might not reply to you are:
- Too much anticipation / nervousness: if a girl really likes you, she might be too shy to reply to your correspondence. She might end up putting a great deal of pressure on herself to do well with you -- or be too jittery to type out a reply or answer your call. She may really, really want to talk to you, but never end up doing so.
- Too much of a state-shift: this one's a little tougher to get your mind around at first, but if say you met a girl and both of you were really excited and high energy, and you call her back later or text her when she's feeling much lower energy than when you meet her, she's likely to look at that ringing phone or blinking text message and think to herself, "I can't talk to him right now; it's too much work."
- A bad ending: "The end is important in all things." So goes one of my favorite quotes from the Hagakure. Even if you had a dynamite opener and the majority of the interaction went swimmingly, if the ending goes awkward or stale, the chances you never hear from a girl again go up dramatically.
- She wasn't all that interested: this happens sometimes to everyone. Resist the temptation to attribute every non-responder to a girl not really being interested, as most guys do -- it's quite often one of the other three reasons that's too blame. But sometimes it's really is just that she wasn't as interested as she'd seemed. It happens.
Of these four reasons, #3 and #4 are the most easily correctable.
#3 -- bad endings -- gets fixed when you get your closing streamlined. Check out the post on getting a girl's phone number and get more practice going for closes and you'll begin to self-correct and get smoother and more natural with time.
#4 -- getting contact info from girls who actually aren't all that interested -- gets fixed as you become more attuned to the signals women are giving you. You become more aware of how to tell a girl is interested in you, and you plainly and simply stop taking contact info from girls you know aren't all that interested.
#1 -- girls being nervous to respond because they really like you -- is tougher to change. You have to do a lot to minimize nervousness and maximize comfort while you're there in-person with a girl, and you've got to make sure that the text messages you send afterward or voicemails you leave are exceedingly warm and friendly. She needs to feel comfortable responding to you, above all.
#2 -- girls experiencing a state-shift between how they felt when they first met you and how they feel when you call or text -- is the hardest to change. It entails actually changing the way you interact with women when first meeting them so that when they receive your text or call later, in a calmer, lower energy state, they'll be a lot more likley to respond.
That can mean you need to completely overhaul you interactions with women, especially if you're an energetic, high energy guy.
Fortunately, there's a shortcut around all of these learning curves, however; and that shortcut is...
Spend Less Time with Women and Get Them Responding More
Sounds counterintuitive, I know, but bear with me on this one.
Spending less time with a woman before you go for her contact information does something very special for you. It allows you to screen out the women who aren't all that into you, while simultaneous eliminating the bad things -- girls getting so into you they're too afraid to talk to you later, girls getting used to talking to you in a too-different energy level from their usual energy level, and bad endings to your interactions with girls.
Said differently, it's about as close to a cure-all to the problem of a girl not texting back or a girl not calling back or answering as you can get.
The women who seem very interested in you on first meeting you aren't time-wasters, and they're not being insincere. They really may enjoy the long conversation they have with you -- or maybe they're trying to be polite and sociable with someone who's taken the time to come up and get to know them. But, it's vitally important to note the difference between reactions and results. The two are different thing altogether, and reactions can oftentimes be misleading.
A girl's smiling and laughing and chatting with you are mostly reactions. Her moving somewhere with you, or giving you her number readily when you ask for it fast -- those are a few examples of results. Results are what you ultimately need, regardless how promising (or not) your reactions may be.
When you ask for the number fast, you get a real result. The girls who like you will happily give theirs; the ones who aren't so inclined will hesitate, or refuse outright.
Very fast way of sifting the wheat from the chaff.
When a Girl Doesn't Text Back
But, let's say regardless how your interaction went when you met the girl the first time, you ended up with her number, but now you've called or texted her and she hasn't replied. What do to?
When a girl doesn't text back or when a girl doesn't call back, the first thing you want to do is not panic. It's not the end of the world, and it doesn't mean you've lost her for good.
It just means she hasn't gotten back to you yet.
I once had an interaction with a girl where I texted her the night I met her and got no reply.
Then I called her a day later, and got no answer. I shot her a text in lieu of leaving a voicemail, and she texted back apologizing for not answer but saying she hadn't realized it was me.
A few days later, I tried calling her again. Again, no answer. I texted her again, and again she texted back later.
One week after first meeting her, I called her. Again, no answer. I left a voicemail. She called me back, complained that she had nothing to do that night, and I invited her over to have dinner and drinks with me in my apartment, and a few hours after she came over, I took her as my lover.
Persistence. It's the difference between the men who want it -- and get it -- and the men who don't. I had a guy I was mentoring who'd have women disappear and act completely disinterested, but he'd just persist relentlessly and eventually women would reappear, agree to meet up with him, and he'd finally take some of them to bed.
Persistence via text or phone can work wonders... BUT, it's quite important that you persist in a cool, laid-back, socially savvy way, because there are all kinds of wrong ways to persist, and men for some reason are particularly good at finding them. Don't fall into the traps that most men do of getting needy, whiney, compalin-y, or pissed off at women for not replying; that guarantees you don't get a reply!
Instead, here are some things to keep in mind so that you're persisting in an intelligent, attractive way that'll make a girl far more likely to want to start talking to you again:
- Don't get mad or accusatory. Yes, it may seem rude that she hasn't replied, but... you're a stranger! She doesn't know you from Jack yet, and doesn't realize what an awesome guy you are. Getting mad is 100% guaranteed to scare her off, so refrain from anything like, "I don't understand why you're being so standoffish."
- Don't get whiney. Just as bad as mad is sad: whiney, complian-y men are a huge turn off to every woman on the planet. "I just want to talk to you -- I'm not trying to be too pushy, but blah blah blah." No. It isn't appealing to you to get something like that from a woman, and it isn't appealing to a woman to get something like that from a man.
- DO be nonchalant. "Hey Karen, figured I'd drop you a line since we haven't connected in a few weeks. Just got back from the East Coast and starting to delve back into work again... ugh. Hope life's been treating you excellent... let me know what's new with you! - Chase" Treat the situation as if no one is to blame and the two of you are just reconnecting after a little time being busy with your own things. If you have some hurt feelings, stifle them; phone calls and text messages are not the places to be airing grievances or bandying about bad emotions. You want to be a breath of fresh air; a provider of good feelings and peace. That's the kind of thing that will make a woman want to pick up the phone and start talking to you, because she probably doesn't get it anywhere else in her life.
- DO refrain from being overly entertaining. "Just saw the most amazing movie today!" "OMG, think my head is going to explode, you'll never believe what just happened to me...!!!" Anything like that is no good. That kind of stuff is okay -- maybe -- three or four texts into a conversation you're already having with a girl. But texting that to open a text conversation cold -- as your text opener -- drips of tryhard reaction-seeking. Worse, in my experience, it rarely works, and when it does it gets you attention from girls who are curious -- rather than girls who are interested. Stick to normal stuff and you'll be fine.
Finally, don't be afraid to give a girl a little time off if she doesn't reply for a while. My rule of thumb is something like this:
- She doesn't reply once: give her a day of radio silence.
- She doesn't reply twice in a row: give her 2 - 3 days of radio silence.
- She doesn't reply three times in a row: give her a week of radio silence.
Then, if she's still not replying, you may want to try something more bold and experimental, depending on the situation. There's no one-shot, surefire way to reengage a girl who isn't responding; it's going to vary enormously depending on why she isn't responding in the first place.
If she's too shy, a nice, warm voicemail might do the trick, or toning down your texting if you're coming across to entertaining or too "loud."
On the other hand, if it feels like too much of a state-shift for her, sharing some more normal details of your life and asking her about hers via text may turn out to be just what the doctor ordered for helping her to see you as more "human" and less a dynamo.
It isn't always possible to turn things around when a girl doesn't text back... but sometimes it is.
And, if you do things right, and you keep the time you spend with a girl you're going to grab a number from to under 5 to 10 minutes, you might just find you substantially increase your phone number conversion rate... strange as that may seem!
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