Understanding Women: It's Not as Hard as You Think

understanding womenWomen do some strange, confusing things.

Things like getting rude and angry with men who are treating them as well as they possibly can. Things like telling a man they're not wearing any underwear... and then walking away when he gets too excited. Things like saying "no" when they mean "yes," and "yes" when they mean "no."

So you'll be forgiven for thinking it must be impossible understanding women.

And to top it all off, most women don't even understand themselves. They can explain some of the simpler things they do, but if you start asking them why they (or other women) do the more complicated things they do, you get answers that are full of holes. They sound good on an pure emotional level, but take a moment to analyze the logic and you'll realize it doesn't hold water.

Women really honestly don't know why they do what they do. So how could you possibly know? But, in fact, learning to understand women actually isn't an impossible task. It's a lot easier than you might think, in fact... so long as you understand a few little things, first.


Independence, Schmindependence

Today's modern woman is a paragon of total, complete, utter independence. In the post-feminism era, women don't need a man -- all they need is a good pair of heels, an appletini, and a couple of high-end shopping bags filled with the latest "in" designs, and their lives are full of import and meaning.

Well, that's what TV would have you believe, anyway.

In fact, women today are exactly the same as they have been since the dawn of humanity. They haven't evolved into some new, distinct line of the human race, that only needs Gucci bags to achieve inner fulfillment -- far from it.

Women -- every single woman out there who's not wildly in love right now -- are almost universally waiting for the man of their dreams to step into their lives.

No, don't tell that to the Western Woman... especially not Western Women on the Internet. They'll yell and scream to high heaven that that isn't the case; that they "don't need a man!" and that they get fulfillment out of their careers and their gal pals and everything else Sex and the City and Gossip Girls and Cosmopolitan tells women they ought to get their fulfillment out of.

But ultimately, when it comes to people, what women want (and what men want) -- and I really do mean just about everything they want -- comes down to coupling up.

People work hard to better position themselves as mates; to get access to higher quality mates; to get access to higher quantities of mates. People travel the world in search of romance, and they go on grand adventures seeking it.

Why else do women (and men):

  • Spend so much time at the gym
  • Work so hard to distinguish themselves in their educations and careers
  • Travel to where they travel to, or change countries
  • Maintain the social circles they do, or join new ones
  • Spend so much time looking good
  • Care so much about their reputation

We'll come back to some of those in a minute, but for now, let's talk about how women talk about things they do that seem blatantly about finding a guy.

Women often disguise things like this as "fun" -- they never want to admit to looking for love (because it makes a woman, or anyone else for that matter, sound weak -- it makes them sound like they can't get what they want, because otherwise, if they want it so bad, and they really are attractive to the opposite sex, then why don't they have it?).

Interesting to note: take a group of people who've just left a speed dating event, and ask the men there why they went, and ask the women there why they went, and you'll almost always get responses that sort along the gender line like so:

Men's response: "Well, I thought maybe there'd be some cute girls there, and I figured I'd just go see what happened."

Women's response: "Ah, it wasn't serious. I just wanted to go for fun!"

Women say the same things about classes they attend, bars and clubs frequent, social events they go to. It's always "just for fun." What that translates as, though, is quite often "seeing if I meet a guy I like." Now, they won't readily admit it -- some women'll go to their deaths maintaining that they are NEVER looking for a guy, and that men just find them.

But if it isn't the case that women often do these things looking for love, then how come women in love with their boyfriends don't go to speed dating events "just for fun?" How come the girls' nights out tend to get curtailed so severely once a girl's in a relationship, and how come their social lives fall off? If it wasn't all about finding a man, why the dramatic shift? Is their guy really sucking up so much of their time that they don't have time for anything else anymore?

This is the first rule of understanding women: women aren't any different from men: they want to meet someone they like too.

They just do a better job of playing down their interest in actually meeting that man -- and why they do that is what we'll talk about next.


Feigning Disinterest: Women's Very Real Need to Keep Face

understanding womenIt sounds like a strange thing for a man to say, but I spent a number of years seeing the world through a woman's perspective.

From about 7th grade to college, I was so crippled by a social phobia that I was entirely unable to actively pursue the things I wanted. So instead of learning to chase after things, like most men do, I had to learn to attract attention to myself in order to bring the things I wanted into my life.

And I got good at it. The most beautiful, popular girls in school would ask me on dates; the coolest guys in school would invite me to their parties.

Sound great? It wasn't. It was hell living life that way -- I became so crazy micro-analyzing every tiny social nuance -- "What does it mean that she responded this way when I did that?" "I said this thing -- does that mean these people aren't going to like me anymore now?" -- that it plunged me into a deep depression it took me a decade to climb out of.

I spent a few years after that learning to chase as well as any man out there, and then a few more years re-integrating all the things I used to do to get people chasing me with my newfound ability to do the chasing myself. I'd now say I'm in a "best of both worlds" position -- I know how to attract others to myself and make them want to pursue me, but I also know how to take charge and close the gap and make things happen rather than sit by passively waiting for them to.

God, it's so much better than it used to be. I would never want to go back to being pure passive and waiting for others to do things. But this is life for most women.

Yes, there are the women that break the mold. Those are the women who:

  • Approach the men they like
  • Ask men out and ask for men's phone numbers
  • Arrange dates themselves
  • Make intimacy happen themselves

But I'd estimate that's somewhere around 2% of the women in the world. The other 98% won't do that.

Why? Two reasons:

  1. Women don't want to risk rejection, and
  2. Women don't want to risk losing value in the man's eyes.

Let's talk about Reason #2 first, because it's simpler.

Men value softer, more passive women more highly. This isn't a universal truth, and it isn't even true for me -- I feel like I'll break women who are too soft. I need strong women -- they're the only ones who stand a chance of standing toe-to-toe with me in any kind of relationship and not coming out of it with their ego totally shredded, as considerate as I try to be.

But for the vast, vast, vast majority of men out there, they want soft women. Women softer than them, anyway.

Women know this. They know, at an instinctive, intuitive level, that men value women more highly that they have to approach and chase and do the work with.

This is due to investment: the more invested in a woman a man is, the more highly he's going to tend to value her. And women want men who are highly invested.

I feel like I'm saying, "We'll come back to this in a minute," a lot in this post, but -- well, we'll come back to why women want highly invested men in a minute.

You've got to understand, getting to the bottom of what makes a woman tick is like opening up a matryoshka doll -- those Russian nesting dolls where you open one up and there's a smaller one inside, and then a smaller one inside that one, and then a smaller one still inside of that one. There are a series of layers to understanding women that you need to unfold before you get the whole picture.

Back to Reason #1. Men are afraid of rejection too, you might say -- so why don't women just approach men as much as men approach women? Why shouldn't both genders share an equal load of that fear of rejection?

Well, I'll tell you why -- it's because rejection for women is worse. Much worse.

When your role in the dating game is to be pursued -- you are the object of desire -- and then you pursue instead, and get rejected -- wow. Ouch. The object of desire being told she isn't desired.

Rejection hurts like hell for women. Much more so than it does for men. That's why you see so few women approaching.

Even if a girl is crazy about a guy, she's not likely to approach him, unless she's among that 2% minority of women that could give a rat's ass about rejection, about keeping face, about what her friends think, and about maintaining her reputation.

Aside from that outlying 2% of confident women who either don't care about reputation management or else are so damn good at it and so overwhelmingly charismatic that they can do whatever they want and people still love them, the fear of rejection is crippling to women.

For that reason, most women will not approach unless they're absolutely certain it's a sure thing.


Why Women Want Men to Invest

Everybody likes control. We feel better when we have it; safer, more secure. The world feels like a more transparent place that's more likely to give us what we want.

Getting investment is THE primary way that one person can assure herself of another person's constancy. When a man's heavily invested in her, a woman knows she's got him.

When she chases after him, she's invested, and he isn't. She's going to feel stronger emotions for him than he is for her, and he's going to be less reliable and dependable in a relationship and if she should become pregnant.

Women aren't thinking this when they wait passively for men to do the work in pursuing them and making things happen. The actual emotion is more like, "I want him to chase, because he'll like me more."

But the reason it works though is that it builds investment, and investment builds commitment, and commitment gives control and constancy. A little more reliability in an unreliable world.

Of course, the point of this site is to help train you to make girls chase, not the other way around. Reason being, the person with the greater amount of investment (the pursuer) is the person who's far more likely to feel a greater degree of emotion than the one who's being invested in (the pursued). And to do that with women, you have to give a little to get them chasing.


Understanding Women: How the Matryoshka Doll Unfolds

understanding womenAll right, this post feels like it's gotten a little wild and tangential and unwieldy, so let's tie it all back together.

  1. Women want men they desire who are also invested

  2. The reason they want this is simple mating: they want a man who won't run off when they get pregnant, as tends to happen when men and women get together and start sleeping together and having a relationship

  3. Thus, they look for things like emotional connections and romantic men who treat women well (these are things that say much about a man's character and reliability to women), and things like ambition and drive (things that speak to a man's potential as a provider for their children), as well as a man's current accomplishments (current status as a provider).

Put this together, and you get a ready model for understanding women and why they do the things they do.

  • Why do women act coy? Because men who pursue are both investing themselves and showing a greater level of interest and commitment. A man who just walks away from a woman who acts coy or shy isn't going to be able to give her what she wants in a relationship and probably isn't going to provide for her when she needs it.

  • Why do women go into auto-rejection and get cold and dismissive with men? Because those men have demonstrated, one way or another, that they aren't reliable men.

  • Why do women test men, then walk away when men "fail" the test? Because those men have shown that they're more interested in anonymous relations than in the woman herself.

Women want to feel special. Society can try and strip intimacy of its meaning all it wants -- sex is just for fun, it's meaningless pleasure, it's devoid of any purpose or function in modern life, liberation, all that jazz -- but beneath the shield of culture, we're all still operating like bipedal apes roaming the savanna.

And when it comes down to it, women want men who care about them as people, who appreciate them, and who are interested in getting physical with them, for them.

That's where most men make their mistakes. They either:

  • Put women on pedestals and treat them like awe-inspiring, virginal creatures, pure and chaste and in need of sexless protection (thus removing themselves from consideration as potential mates for those women, ending themselves up in the friend zone), or they

  • Chase women for sex and ignore building an emotional connection or being charming or charismatic or seductive (and end up triggering auto-rejection most of the time)

Women don't want you to be their sexless defenders (they have enough of those guys already, paying for things for them and being their shoulders to cry on; see my post on "Shopping Guy"), and they don't want you to only want them for intimacy and not for who they are.

Women want to be appreciated who they are, and desired for who they are.

It's fully possible to seduce a woman by only wanting her body, so long as you make it clear to her how incredible and unique her body is. And it's fully possible to seduce a woman by only talking to her about her emotions, so long as you make it clear to her how deeply you understand those feelings she conveys.

It doesn't matter what about her you focus on, so long as she feels it's special and she feels desired for her (and not just random sex).

That's the key to understanding women. There's a saying that goes like this:

When a man is respected, he feels cherished. When a woman is cherished, she feels respected.

I try always to keep this in mind. As men, respect is the thing we want most from others.

Women don't care so much about respect for the sake of respect, like men do.

Women want to be cherished and treated as special and unique (and yes, as desirable sexual creatures you'd like nothing more than to ravage... but only because they're so special and unique). That's what you need to know to understand women.

Chase Amante

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Edward's picture

Another good post and well broken down. 1 of the best Blogs for dating advice.

Drew's picture

"Rejection for women is worse. Much worse.
When your role in the dating game is to be pursued -- you are the object of desire -- and then you pursue instead, and get rejected -- wow. Ouch. The object of desire being told she isn't desired"

My god, Chase you are so on the ball, I cant believe it!
Just that paragraph has opened my eyes to understanding womens thought process. It seems so simple reading it, I wonder how it wasn't obvious all along. It was a very intelligent thing to figure out, and reading this whole article has probably changed my life in one way or another. Thank you so much Sir :)

Chase Amante's picture

Hey, don't mention it, Drew. It's amazing how much taking a moment to see things from the woman's perspective can change your understanding, no?

Seems like a small detail, but it ends up making a very real, and large, impact in how women and men interact. Crazy stuff, psychology.


dave's picture

Thanks for the sensible exchange with Drew! For those of us who will NEVER approach a female ( if they are all into this conversation and testing
and what not ,then THEY can show the interest and approach us) , understanding that it is better to be alone than be treated like that, or, that when the women get older, they are out of time for these wonderful games.
With fewer and fewer men approaching these days, maybe the trend is changing.

Anonymous's picture

many of us men will certainly not approach women because of the way they treat men very badly, and being rejected as well. it would be very nice if women can approach us men for a change.

Anonymous's picture

I think what you lacked in this article is the importance of just initiating.
This to me is the most important yet daunting task. Also, a few techniques; know when to leave (just for a little bit) and when to return. This shows you are not to desperate as this is unattractive as one does not truly want what is just given to them.
An important point also is to get women talking about themselves, they love to talk. Just ask questions, this adds an air of mystery to you and allows you to have to say very little.
Ps. Alcohol helps. Not too much, just enough to loosen up.

Matt's picture

Is listening to what women say as important as some make it out to be? I always have listened and will continue to listen to women, but I was wondering if there were keys parts that women are looking for to know if a guy is listening. I have heard from some people to just listen for the main idea and others say that it is only the details that matter.
I don't know if you still read these posts, but if you could get back to me that's great, and if not then don't worry about it. Thanks!

lucifer7's picture

I love this article because 99.8% of the dating advices in the "PUA" community is about being the bad boy whom doesn't put the girl on the pedestal.

Very very few seem to remember that also cherishing and making women feel special and unique is a great way to make them swoon.

I think that's one of the difference between a "PUA" and a "lover of women": the latter knows that naturally.

I didn't know Casanova, but I feel pretty sure that as much as I didn't put girls on pedestal, he also knew how to make them feel great and special.

Anonymous's picture

I totally disagree with this, since after all, women get approached all day, every day. They get told how beautiful they are a hundred times a day. She also notices that all eyes are on her all the time. If a woman gets rejected, she's got a line of prospects right behind him.

We're lucky if women stay single for even a week against their own will, not to mention how easy it is for them to blow us off for an already planned date, either by giving some lame excuse or ignoring us altogether.

Anonymous's picture

I think you'r greatly underestimating how sensitive women actually are. Even if there are a million suitors in line, if a woman is rejected she will feel the impact of it on a deep emotional level. If women even get the slightest hint of rejection, their mood will completely shift. If you combine the way women are objectified in society with the hormone imbalances that cause women to experience mood swings, you get a very sensitive (Like all women are) lady.

Anonymous's picture

Although, not all of it is exactly like this, I really enjoyed reading this article, and it still has plenty to offer (these articles are like religion, pull the good from each one and make your own). I'd also like to respond to the post above.

"I totally disagree with this, since after all, women get approached all day, every day. They get told how beautiful they are a hundred times a day. She also notices that all eyes are on her all the time. If a woman gets rejected, she's got a line of prospects right behind him.

We're lucky if women stay single for even a week against their own will, not to mention how easy it is for them to blow us off for an already planned date, either by giving some lame excuse or ignoring us altogether."

I agree with part of what you're saying, but not all. You make it sound like women (fair looking to drop dead gorgeous) have a line of men at all times just chomping at the bit for a chance. I don't agree with this- it might sometimes be true, but not always. I've know several women that were very pleasing to the eye (some my personal friends, and others friends ex's) that had a very hard time getting anyone to approach them and simply strike up a conversation, or even ask them out on a date. This fault lies in the hands of the man. I'm even starting to believe more and more that the prettier a woman is, the less she's been hit on (in a lot of cases, not all).. That's my 2 cents- take from it what you will...

Tajul 's picture

Its a matter of great interest dt every women in this consider themselves different, unique, special & mysterious being,regardless of their beauty. This is true dt women always get surrounded by applausers. Thn, how would u deal her? Whats ur difference dt makes her interested on u? I have observed dt very little portion of people have dealt d women this way..tell her dt she is unique & mysterious. They love to hear this. This article also reveals the truth dt make d women feel special, always deal her like u r dealing a very special person & listen with great care what she says...let her talk cause women like to talk & love who are good listeners. Thanx d author for this article.

Godsninja's picture

"Women want to be cherished and treated as special and unique (and yes, as desirable sexual creatures you'd like nothing more than to ravage... but only because they're so special and unique)."

What do you mean "ravage" ?????? *super confused by this sentence*

Isis Matilda  COLLINGWOOD's picture

My comment is about Women from another Woman's perspective. I have met over the course of my adult life some very friendly nice women who have been a real asset to my life. On the other hand I have met some really nasty back biting women who have caused me grief with their behaviour. Why some women are so nasty in some instances to others I am yet to fathom out. Cattiness amongst some females I can honestly say I have never really found it with men. But of course you have to look from another angle many women can be kind and friendly and bond well with other women. At the end of the day you cannot tar everyone with the same brush so to speak. I have moved on from the others who have given me grief and found women I can have a rapport with hopefully.

Anonymous's picture

I'm pretty I wrote this because all this crap is basically the story of my life. I have also thought about this same topic multiple times and have come up with the same answers.

Anonymous's picture

I'm a woman and I approve of this message. Good job. You understand women more than they understand themselves.

Anonymous's picture

Man, I just read this shit, and wow is it insightful. I actually felt as though I learned something that I will be able to make sense of and apply when "out in the field." I just cannot stress how well written, logical, and articulate this article is. Damn good job...

harrist's picture

this articles really good ,very informative! I never thought women think that far! what if, we men leave them when they get pregnant! this is true! I mean they have high risk, if baby father leave them! I can't imagine what they feel if that really happen! so right now, I think every women have right to test me :) lol

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