A reader writes in asking about attainability:
“Hey Chase, Great blog man, top notch stuff. Never been part of the PUA community, but been doing self improvement (corresponding with my values) for 4 years or so, and your blog and TSM are pretty much the only two I read consistently. I've also read your book, and have a question on attainability. So here's the issue:
Not to sound pretentious or arrogant, but I'm a pretty good looking guy, fantastic shape, fashionable, carry myself well, great job blah blah blah, and I have a lot of symptoms of having much too low of attainability. Only super confident women seem to have the guts to put themselves out there (which can be a good thing, they are my type), make eye contact passing by each other, or even manage a smile after eye contact is made.
Now I am a very pleasant, outgoing person, and I always walk around with at least a pleased look on my face, so it's not like I'm walking around frowning or anything. I guess my question is, how can I raise my attainability through body language or the way I carry myself before words are spoken or even eye contact is made, so that more women are open to me? This isn't in my head, I live in a smaller town (50,000) people, half are college kids (I'm in my late 20's) and countless times friends tell me women ask about me all interested, and I'll end up knowing who they're talking about but have never had these girls so much as make eye contact or smile?! I don't want to walk around smiling like a goofball to make myself seem friendlier, help me man!”
This goes deeper, to the issue of how to make yourself more relatable to people. In this reader's case, he's running into the same problem I used to have a lot -- that only the most confident women feel comfortable around him, and everybody else can't relate. I struggled with that for quite a while myself.
These days though, I'm a pretty darn relatable guy.
And you might be surprised by that, considering my lifestyle should make me all but unrelatable -- frequent international travel (often to places like Cambodia or Monaco instead of the "usual" places like Australia or England), starting up not just one business, but a whole host of them, meeting girls in bars, clubs, airports, and train stations, and a hard-line approach toward friendships and relationships that most people would probably politely describe as "extreme."
Me, relatable? I don't even find the same things enjoyable that most other people do.
Yet, should you ever meet me, chances are we'll get along just fine. We'll laugh; we'll trade stories; and, like so many people I meet, you'll quite possibly end up telling me you feel like we've been friends forever, despite the fact that we'll have met minutes before.
That's because I sat down and put the time into figuring out how to be relatable, both in conversation and even on first appearance. And the great news is, anybody can pull it off -- all it takes is a little effort, and a bit of a push in the right direction to get you started.
Being Relatable: You Are Not Your Opinions
Before we get into the specifics of being relatable in conversation and on appearance, I want to touch on this first, because it's vital to the concept of relatability.
I've mentioned this on here before in the post on becoming a great conversationalist, but you really are not your opinions, despite the fact that so many people want to tie up their identities in their opinions for some reason I don't quite get. And this is the first secret to on how to be relatable.
I get a lot of feedback from readers of this site that I come across as very genuine and very relatable. I get the same feedback in real life. In fact, that's something I've specifically trained up in myself; I really, honestly try to be a genuine, relatable guy, because I feel that's the best way to do whatever you want to do:
- Get to know people better and get them to open up
- Get information across and help people succeed
- Build a business and sell products
No bones about it, being genuine and relatable is a boon.
One of the big problems you see in this industry is guys using their sites and public engagements as platforms to try and "share their opinions." You know, the guys who get all riled up and try and "tell it like it is" and toss about value judgments.
Those are the guys who say things like:
"Men who want XYZ thing are weak and stupid."
"Women who do ABC thing are manipulative and bad."
That's all well and good if your objective is sparking conflicting, getting people to think, or pressing for wide sweeping change. That's not your objective in making friends or meeting new women though, just like it isn't my objective on this site.
Your objective in making friends is to form some new connections and allies who can benefit your life.
Your objective in meeting new women is to form new bonds with women who can be your friends, lovers, and partners.
My objective with this site is to provide information on what I've found to work, to leave some manner of a legacy (however small) and at least get my findings down on paper because who knows how long I'll be doing this or when some plane I'm on will crash or some bus will careen onto the wrong side of the road as I'm crossing the street in a third world country and smack me into the next world, and of course to sell a few books and audio and videos to support myself and grow this business in the process.
None of those objectives benefit from causing conflict (usually). None. Unless you're trying to win political office or make your mark in academia, you probably are going to do yourself more harm than good by waging a war of opinions with anybody.
And you certainly won't be relatable.
Yet, most folks just keep on tossing opinions out, casting judgment on stuff, and seeding conflict, and fighting with one another. Makes me look on in bemusement and shake my head most of the time. Sigh... humanity.
How to Be Relatable
Most people like to talk. I'm going to ask you to listen.
You see, the first secret to learning how to be relatable is becoming the Listener. The reason why the Listener is always more relatable than the Talker is because the Talker is relating to himself.
The Listener, on the other hand, is relating to others.
Two different scenarios:
Scenario 1: You and I are in a conversation, and I'm a Talker
Me: You know what I think about the current political and economic situation?
You: No, what?
Me: I'll tell you what I think about it. I think XYZ thing is all wrong, and ABC is completely being ignored and we're destroying ourselves because of that. And blah blah...
Scenario 2: You and I are in a conversation, and I'm a Listener
Me: So what do you think about the current political and economic situation?
You: Hmm, well, let me give you my thoughts...
In which scenario do you feel more related? Where do you feel like we're bonding more?
Right, yeah -- the one where you get to share your opinions with me while I listen. The one where I steamroll you with my own opinions, you probably don't feel all that related. At best, we discover we're completely on the same page, and you get excited as I talk -- but not related. And at worst, you end up feeling completely put off by my grating opinions that conflict with yours.
That gets us to the essence of what being relatable is all about: being relatable isn't about helping someone else relate to you -- it's about you relating to them.
That's how you get others feeling that they're relating to you.
So, as is our custom in deep diving, you get a girl telling you about herself, and you relate back to her.
Of course, this is just the tip of the iceberg; relating to others instead of trying to force them to relate to you is only the first step.
The 7 Secrets of Relatability
As mentioned in my seduction ebook to which our reader above was referring, relatability is one of the aspects of attainability -- how much (or how little) a woman feels that she can "get" you.
As relatability increases, so does attainability; as it goes down, so too does attainability, and the farther attainability drops, the closer you get to auto-rejection.
In other words, if you want to avoid women shutting down and going cold on a regular basis, you'd do well to step up how relatable you are!
There are two components to relatability, and if you want to really get down how to be relatable, you'll have to handle them both. Those components are:
- Nonverbal relatability, and
- Verbal relatability
I'm going to list out the 7 secrets to relatability here, and I'm going to break them down by category, depending upon which one of those two components they're a part of.
- Having the right facial expressions. Your facial expressions are one of the most powerful means you have of getting women comfortable with you very soon into an interaction and making them feel like you can relate to them. Strong eye contact coupled with a warm, slow-spreading smile will get women feeling very comfortable with you before you even say "hello."
- Making use of eye contact flirting. By teasing women with your eyes and focusing on being sexual and flirtatious with them, you very quickly communicate to girls that you enjoy women and are warm and sexy. They may flirt back or may try and tease you with their own nonverbals, but they're melting and feeling you're more relatable all the while as they do.
- Getting quick, close proximity. Nothing kills relatability quite like standing far away from someone. It feels awkward, weird, and impersonal. Instead, close the distance and get out of the "polite zone." You should make it imperative to get as physically close to a new woman you've just met as you would if she was your girlfriend.
- Being the Listener instead of the Talker. As mentioned above -- the Talker tries to force others to relate to him by loading them up with his opinions, and succeeds only occasionally. The Listener encourages others to talk and to open up to him -- and relating happens almost automatically as a result.
- Deep diving. As you listen and she talks, get her to go deeper -- and relate back to her. Share brief experiences, build on what she's saying, and encourage her to continue relating more and more. This gets her relating ever more about herself, and feeling increasingly more related to you -- and you become increasingly more relatable yourself.
- Staying judgment-free. I still haven't gotten a proper post up on it, though I've been saying I will for the better part of a year, but remaining as free of judgment as you possibly can is key to staying relatable. If you want people to clam up fast and see you as cold, alien, and unrelatable, judging them is your surest bet to accomplish that. On the other hand, if you want women opening up to you and feeling comfortable around you, wanting to connect with you, and viewing you as a super-relatable guy, you've got to strive to be the most judgment-free man they've ever met.
Note that this doesn't mean you aren't discriminating; of course, you're choosy about whom you allow in your life and whom you don't. Judging and discriminating are two different things; the latter is good (it's vital to effectively screening and qualifying women), while the former is quite hurtful to your relatability.
- Remaining humble. You'd be surprised how often men destroy their relatability by not being humble. This was one of my personal Achilles' heels early on. Humility doesn't mean "unconfident;" and in fact, some of the most confident men are quite humble.
To picture this, try and imagine two kings who'd conquered all the surrounding lands on their glorious returns to their home city. One king says, "Together, we have emerged victorious; it was the work of all the soldiers, all the crop growers, all the merchants, priests, mothers and fathers, and all the citizens of this great land that allowed us to succeed," while the other says, "Today will be the day that goes down in history, marking the day in which I, triumphant king of this town, have put down the rebellions once and for all!"
Which king do you think you'd rather have tea with? Which one do you think people find more likable, more charismatic, and more relatable? Yeah, it's the one who's saying, "Hey, we did it together," even though everyone knows it was him who did it.
To wrap up, you can make yourself as relatable as possible if you:
- Use warm, sexy facial expressions and eye contact
- Get close and personal
- Be a listener and get to deep diving quickly
- Refrain from judging girls and keep yourself humble, even as you're impressive
Keep your thumb firmly on all of these, and you'll find that problems with attainability and relatability start disappearing very fast.
Until next time.