Yesterday evening I was out walking home, when I noticed a tall, thin girl with long hair and a good body in front of me, walking very carefree in heels, tight jean shorts cut off just below the butt, and a tank top, swinging her hips very sexy as she went. She turned around and looked back in my direction, then started singing in a very sweet voice. She turned around to look back a few more times - I was walking faster than her, so gaining on her and closing the distance. I thought about approaching, but then thought about what it takes to get approached by women.
Here was a girl throwing off tons of the things you'll see when girls show interest:
- She was blatantly looking back at me (she probably knew I was there before I knew she was; even when you're very socially aware, girls are still often going to be the first to spot you before you spot them)
- She kept looking back at me, which means there was something that was very interesting to her... or, she was trying to get my attention
- She started singing, which you might not realize, but women will often start to sing or talk on their phones to attract male attention (you can use this same tactic yourself; we'll see that in a moment)
I didn't particularly feel like approaching - I was tired and worn out from a long day, and I wasn't dressed the best. So instead, I wanted to see if I could get approached.
And that's what I'm going to talk with you about today: how can you get women to approach you instead of you having to always approach them?
Things to Know About Getting Approached
All throughout high school and much of college, my only interactions came when women approached me. So I got pretty good at it. But even when you're good at it, it's still relatively rare.
That's the big, flashing disclaimer on this post: if you rely on getting approached by women, you won't meet too many women.
On the other hand, you will get a pretty fun choice of women: the women who approach tend to be spunky, self-confident, and often pretty good-looking (although, I have been approached by some women who were decidedly not good-looking, too... can't blame 'em for trying though, right?).
Also, here's disclaimer number two: a big chunk of this is looks.
My looks are... arguably good. I've been called handsome more often than I've been called ugly, let's say that much. But my friends who are legitimately good-looking guys do get cold approached by women a lot more often than I do. Them's the shakes. But remember that clothes make the man; when I'm dressed up in my best clothes, I get honest "Wow!" responses from women (admittedly, it took me years to get the fashion sense to be able to put together a look that got that kind of response).
Though, this is the same for women: fun tip - next time you're out at a nightclub thinking how hot some girl looks, stop and look at just her face alone and ask if she's hot. Much of the time you'll realize that what's making her look hot is hair and clothes much more so than face. This is just as true for men as women. So before you tell me this doesn't apply because you're not good-looking, go give yourself a makeover and then try this out.
Again, we've got two big disclaimers on this one:
- It's uncommon to get approached by women; don't rely on this one
- Getting approach has much to do with looks; so make yours look good
Which reminds me, two articles this site badly needs are:
- Fashion, and
I've got the one on cool facial hair up, though it needs an overhaul (and some pictures).
But yes, you can make yourself look damn good if you try.
On with the rest of the post.
Why Women Approach
Chances are, if you're reading this, you're probably already a guy who goes out and approaches new women. If you're not, start here: how to get a girl. You need to learn approaching women first before you worry about getting them to approach you, otherwise you're going to have a miserable time waiting and not getting much attention for a long time.
If you're approaching regularly, unless you're an approach machine who's been meeting women so long you don't even think about it anymore, you know the feeling of seeing a girl you like, and then getting a bit of fear and excitement kicking in. That's uncertainty; uncertainty feels like fear and excitement. The more uncertainty, the stronger the emotions.
This is magnified multiple times for many women because they don't approach and don't know what will happen. They also only to approach guys they really like, so the excitement is very high and the fear of rejection is too.
That means that the instant a girl starts thinking about approaching you, she's going to feel some pretty strong emotions. And as you may know from your own approaching, if there are any strong reasons not to approach, those can kick in and fudge your chances:
- If you're in a conversation
- If you're with friends
- If you're moving too fast
- If you look angry
- If you're wearing headphones
- If you're doing something busily
- If you look cold / rude / uninviting
She sees one of those and she won't approach. Women are risk averse; a gal's looking for a guy she can approach with minimal odds of rejection.
Furthermore, a woman will not approach if she thinks there's a chance you'll approach her. She also will not approach if she thinks you considered approaching her, then decided not to (she'll probably get rejected if she tries, she figures, if you didn't want to bother meeting her).
Sound complicated? In fact, it's pretty straightforward to get approached... in the right place, with the right girl, in the right situation - if you do things right.
And here's how.
How to Get Approached by Women
If you want to get approached, there're only two things you need to get down:
- Being approachable
- Looking good
Looking good I'm not going to go over here - that's a series of posts in and of itself. That's things like:
- Getting your fundamentals down (discussed in-depth in the eBook)
- Getting your fashion down, a cool hairstyle, and sexy facial hair
- Dropping excess fat / putting on some muscle / getting in-shape
- Being a sexy man
What we are going to talk about is how to tailor yourself into being approachable enough that any girl who thinks you look good enough to her will approach you.
Being approachable can be further boiled down to just a few things:
- Disarming girls' fear of rejection by seeming innocent / distracted / childlike
- Leaving things "open" enough for her that she feels comfortable approaching
- Not giving her any sign that you might approach her
Let's look at each.
Disarming Girls' Fear of Rejection
That's right, earlier I said that being a sexual man is an important part of looking good, and then after that I said you need to come across innocent and childlike to disarm her.
You know who are masters of both flirtation and innocence? Babies. Sound weird? In fact, babies - both male and female babies - start learning how to flirt at a very young age... somewhere around five or six months. They practice flirting before they can even sit up or crawl. This is an inborn instinct that all human beings have. Babies are the picture of innocence... and yet, they give people sexy looks. Of course, you don't get turned on by a baby (at least, I hope not), but it's a solid example that even at an early age, you can mix the two.
As you play around with sexiness, you'll come to find there are two distinct "flavors" of sexiness:
- Sweet sexy, and
- Tough sexy
Sweet sexy is the romantic Italian guy who sweeps a girl off her feet by innocently chasing after her and persisting and throwing himself at her, until she's charmed into acquiescing. Tough sexy is the guy who grunts and only ever gives women half smiles under his stubbly beard and spends more time chopping down more trees and carving things out of granite than he does talking to people, but he exudes manliness and sexiness and power.
Both are good models to use, and when you get them down you can even switch back and forth between them, depending on your mood and what you're trying to accomplish.
But tough sexy doesn't get approached. Not usually. Sweet sexy, on the other hand, does.
How do you do sweet sexy? You look like this:
If your first instinct upon seeing those photos is, "Whoa, those guys are totally gay!" that's because you're not used to seeing men look at you like that. And I don't recommend you look at other men that way (unless that's your thing...!).
However, I do recommend you look at women this way. Because just like you felt something that said, "That guy's gay," when you looked at pictures of a man looking at you that way, a woman's going to think, "That guy's cute and sexy," when she sees a man looking at her that way (or looking off distracted somewhere that way).
Also, noticed the facial hair stubble + clean shaven neck? This is my current facial hair style, too. It's sexy without being overly edgy. If you want very edgy / slightly grimy, go for chinstrap + soul patch (the current pick up artist standard... works best with American girls; stubble + clean shaven neck is a little too close to tame for them, though still gets better results than most things; it's a bit too edgy / dangerous for most other women, however). Just a quick aside on facial hair there... back to the post.
What are the keys to that look? They are:
- Eyebrows raised (as if you were about to ask a question)
- Eyes wide
- Looking out of the corner of the eyes (sexy eye contact)
- Mouth drawn into a slight smile, raised more on one side of the mouth than the other
- Lips slightly pursed
For a more dramatic example, see Ben Stiller in Zoolander doing "Blue Steel." Don't go that extreme, but the reason that's funny is because it's a more dramatic version of what you see in real life.
Real life sexy men (of the sweet sexy variety) do Blue Steel... except, not so pronounced.
Check out any male model in any magazine ad. Maybe 50% of them are wearing that facial expression. It's not a coincidence... it makes them look sexy and approachable.
Every guy I've known who was naturally very good with women used this look. Every single one. They'd each independently arrived at it, and most didn't even realize they were doing it. They just had learned through talking to thousands of women that when they wore that expression, they got approached more, and women were a lot more open and a lot more receptive to them.
This is one of the big ones... don't underestimate how important your facial expression is to your efforts to get approached. It's HUGELY important. Women won't approach you if you look like an angry man. You'll get approached in droves when you wear this look, though (well, droves relative to how much you'll get approached with other looks on your face).
Here are the other things you can do to disarm women's fears of rejection:
- Do something with music. I have no idea why this works this way, I think it has something to do with getting attention while also showing confidence (most people are afraid to stand out by making music publicly), but I noticed it back in 7th grade: if you start drumming your fingers, or humming, women instantly feel a lot more comfortable and excited about striking up a conversation with you. When I used to rap, I'd get street-stopped by women I didn't know cold approaching me on the sidewalk when I'd be rapping quietly (not too loud or aggressive sounding) as I walked down the road. Doing something lightly musical (not too loud or intense) makes women want to talk to you.
- Look around widely. Curious men are a lot more disarming than focused man. A focused man is more likely to brush her off because he's trying to do whatever he's trying to do or trying to get wherever he's trying to get. If you're distracted and curious and looking around, though, you're a lot more likely to be willing to stop and talk if she opens you.
- Examine the environment. Similar to curiosity, checking out your environment means you're a lot more present in the moment, and less lost in thought (she'd be interrupting you if she approached) or focused on something like a book or phone call (again, she'd be interrupting you). If you're focused on what's going on around you, she won't be interrupting you to pull you into the present... because you're already present. And, she might even be able to use something in the environment to open you with - it's a natural segue into the two of you talking.
Leaving Things Open Enough for Her to Talk with You
When I go out to meet women, you'll almost always find me going out alone. Why? Well, there are a variety of reasons. Among them:
- Not having to worry about / manage / help out friends
- Not having to integrate my group with her group
- Not having to go where friends want to go or convince them to go where I want
But chief among them is this: not scaring off girls who want to approach.
That's right: you're about 1,000,000 times more likely to get approached by yourself.
That number might be a bit of an exaggeration, but it's something close to that. Why's this so?
Well, it's the same reason that a woman by herself in a nightclub gets descended on by men like a pack of ravening wolves, while women with even one friend get approached far less, and women with a group of friends have maybe five or six or seven guys talk to them all night. People are a lot more likely to be receptive when they don't have anyone to talk to.
And if you're by yourself, women will assume you're easy game. You're far more attainable.
This is one of the big reasons why I recommend that if you really want to meet girls, go out early and go out alone.
Other ways to leave yourself open for her to talk to you (besides not having friends / being in a group):
- Walk slowly or stay in one place... Women feel a lot less comfortable chasing you down on the street if you're moving fast, and it takes them time to gather their courage to approach you in a bar, so stay in one spot... usually.
- ... or, move somewhere closer to her. This is the exception - if you're far away from a girl, and you can tell she's interested, reposition yourself somewhere close to her - optimally, right next to her. But do it smooth - don't make it obvious you're doing it so she'll talk to you. Make it seem like it "just happened." Girls like things to "just happen..." remember that.
- If you're with friends, be the bored outsider. One of the ways you can get opened more when you're in a group is to hang out on the outside of the group. Sometimes, if you're with a very cool group but you're just on the outside, this can get you opened more; the girl thinks, "Oh wow, his group is cool... why's he on the outside? Maybe I can talk to him."
Not Giving Her Any Sign You'll Approach Her
This one's super important, because the instant a girl thinks you might approach her, she will never again approach.
The main way you pull this off is by never looking at her. But that's easier said than done.
Why? Because women are masters of attention. If a girl wants you to look at her, unless you're a legitimate pro, you're probably going to look at her. And at that point, she will not approach you.
If you want to get approached, you cannot look at women. At least, not the women you want to approach you.
There's one exception to this: when you're giving a woman an invitation to sit or stand near you (see: "Eyes That Draw"). Then, you kind of sort of half look at her. At that point, though, when it works and she positions herself near you, it's on you to open her.
If you want women opening you, you can't look at them at all. And they'll be using all the tricks I mentioned above; they'll be positioning themselves at you, they'll be giving you sideways looks, they'll be looking around curiously / distractedly, they'll be signing or humming or tapping their fingers, they'll be wearing a sweet sexy look on their faces.
It's only when they've tried everything in their arsenal and you still haven't noticed them that you get approached. That's when a girl says, "All right, I tried it all and he doesn't know I exist. Time for me to suck it up and just go in."
That's when it happens.
Rewarding Her for the Approach
Most girls get really nervous on the approach. If she opens you, take over and make her feel good. That's your responsibility to her.
I struggled with getting this one down for the longest time. When I first started approaching women a lot, it'd really throw me when girls I was about to open opened me first... I didn't know what to do, and it never worked.
What I found you want to do is this:
- Maintain a nice-but-skeptical demeanor with her; sort of like, "Oh, it's nice that you opened me. You seem like you might be okay. Who are you?"
- Gradually open up more and more to her as she tells you more about herself
- Ask her normal questions and talk to her
- Introduce yourself early if she forgets to do this
- Lead strongly and move things forward
That last one's important: if she opened you, she likes you a LOT. You should try to make things happen as quickly as possible... reward her for going out on a limb there. If you don't make things happen, she's going to feel bad and disappointed about talking to you. "God, I did that big scary thing, put myself out there and then... he just talked to me about boring stuff and didn't DO anything???"
Don't make her say that to herself.
That girl I mentioned at the start of this post did end up approaching me last night, and she was both very excited and very nervous about it.
So, I escalated things with her quickly and moved it all along rapidly. And the end result of it all was, she came away delighted and satisfied to have approached me.
And if you get approached by women - assuming they're desirable women - I think that's your duty too: leave her delighted and satisfied for going out on a limb and taking a bet on you.
If she isn't desirable... hey, still be nice to her anyway. What goes around comes around, after all ;)