The Seductive Power of Shy
Much of men’s dating advice tells you to be confident, but after a certain point a man with little to fear might just ask the question, “Can being shy be turned to one’s advantage?”
As it turns out, shy combined with moments of confidence can create an incredibly alluring contrast, and yes, be incredibly attractive. In fact, the right use of “shyness” can show off a deeper internal confidence than just being extroverted and outgoing all the time can.
Being shy-natured can be a powerful way to separate yourself from the noise of the crowd and heighten the experience of sharing a moment with you.
I was resting in a bar with my friend (a girl), and she said “cheer up”, and I thought about it and then responded, “No thanks, actually I want to be shy right now”.
The truth is we are all told to cheer up like it is a necessary 24/7 condition. But sometimes I don’t want to reassure others with an outgoing personality and is that really such a bad thing? Well, as it turns out, it isn’t always a bad thing, because sometimes it shows that you can stand up for your real feelings and is a signal of deep internal confidence.
So long as deep down you don’t hold bitterness, resentment, aggression and the likelihood to lash out, people just might read your shyness as a positive thing.
The thing that really made the difference for me between being sheltered and being shy in a good way was the element of choice, and the timing of it. Was I shy due to the situation overwhelming me, or was I shy just because the situation didn’t NEED social stimulation for it to be a good time? In the latter situation my shy attitude was a choice; in the former I had no control over myself and was perhaps likely to disrupt others because I wasn’t comfortable in myself.
The next time you think you are too shy, just ask yourself, “Am I uncomfortable?” and if you are not, don’t worry about it.
I popped up my hood and put on my shy face, and waded into this night club allowing people to pass me by as I narrowed in on the things I wanted to do. I took my friend’s hand and danced, and spun her around. I wasn’t the image of the salsa dancer or the jock party guy; I was the shy guy with a girl tip toeing around him with a little smile. I was enjoying my slow smiles and sufficient movements.
Who is anyone to tell you how things MUST be done to be “good with women” or “good with anything”? The truth is, there are ways and means to talk to girls even when shy, so really if it is a style you like, then you can do it and still talk to girls so long as you aren’t using it to hide that your core fundamentals aren’t that good (yet).
Do It Your Way
The trick with talking to girls as a shy guy is just being really warm and easy to get along with when you introduce yourself, keeping open body language and having expressive eyes. Most shy guys get “cold as ice” when talking to people. Learn how to ease people up with a little warmth so they don’t feel so afraid of playing the role of the “confident one”.
The fact is, as a shy guy you can make an interaction kind of soothing, so long as you make sure to carry your side of the social responsibilities, and you read her signals, and spike her interest when she is getting distracted and bored. The only difference is that you don’t overdo it, and you never take things too far.
You hold the situation up from the inside out rather than guide it from the outside in.
Try giving the girl some reassuring advice now and then, or qualify her and tell her how she looks when she does something “right”. Give her the tools to enjoy being the one that makes the choices that night by making it easy to be the confident one for the night.
“Be Shy, but BUILD Her Inner Fire”
Try not to smother anyone; always slowly but surely build the excitement and the “fire”. Make sure that you demonstrate an ability to connect with your audience and an ability to make her feel good, and so long as you are steadily “building the fire”, you stand a good chance of being a contributor to that person’s experience and thusly a valuable guy to have around. If you make the situation stronger no one will care about the “how” or “why”; she’ll just enjoy the night.
I really like to use shyness with its opposite, a fiery sense of sensuality. I like to sometimes be cloaked in an unassuming persona, only to then upturn my eyes and look at a girl with a knowing and devilish gaze, showing I understand EXACTLY what she is feeling, and that I could show her another side of my persona, if I was so encouraged to at any moment.
The truth is that when girls understand that you just need to be encouraged to turn up the heat, they just might flirt with you on that shy level, until the heat between the two of you burns and ignites under the covers of shyness.
If you want to be shy, then you absolutely can; just be aware of others’ needs and what moments need, and people won’t think you were “just a guy in the corner” - they’ll be able to synchronise and have fun.
The key to clubs is keeping a clean focus, because most people get
upset and overwhelmed in a short time span at a club if things don’t go
magically well from the start. Use
shyness not as a symptom of being
overwhelmed but as a tool to avoid being forced into what you don’t
want to be involved in (such as wild dancing and partying, or
excited but platonic conversations with random people).
If you use shyness to avoid getting overwhelmed, like a base of operations you will then later be able to expand from it. Do things in your own time and feel free to explore your ability to connect deeply with girls when it is time to.
Our first instinct in clubs is to look at everyone and everything, and as the crash of all that information mounts in your senses, you start to feel like “How can I overcome... THIS!”. The trick is to not take a blanket view of the whole club but rather to have a modest strategy that will allow you to open up to the scenario around you reliably.
The first step is to not look at everything that would overwhelm you, but to use your peripheral vision to “sense” what is happening in the bubble of space that is closer to you and take things “one step at a time”.
The second step is to adjust to each varying scenario by developing “a feel for people” so you can quickly forgive the people around you for being busy or chaotic.
The third step is to open your senses to the whole club.
There is a saying “you may miss the forest for all the trees”, and in a night club we have to first see the forest as filled with potential and possibility; otherwise, we get stuck on the trees that are usually spilled drinks, random people acting strangely, etc, etc, etc. Whilst the groups of trees around us might not be of any immediate interest or use the potential of the forest is great and you can use a shy guy persona to make sure you are looking at the forest and not the trees.
Don’t Target Girls; Use Peripherals and Intelligence
Keep your body language open to some degree, and save you gaze for when it is purposeful, because before you choose a girl you must ask yourself if this girl is the “Best fit for you tonight?” because shy guys don’t want to waste their time.
I’ve found that knowing who you are dealing with is immeasurably more useful than trying to overcome a white wash of stimulation, and if you initially hold back on looking at girls you might find you can find out more by feeling her out every now and then. And then after knowing your surroundings better you will be able to use that smile and those confident eyes to say “hi” to a girl you know just might be the right size for you tonight.
Generally after a little while, you get to know “the little games” each girl is playing and you can become receptive to a subset group of girls that fit with your mood or wants that night, and when you bump into that group in your little bubble you will smile more genuinely because you are certain that she is one of the cooler girls, and that’s where the shy guy shines: when he is right there being focused on by a girl he knows is the right choice because his intelligent mind figured her out before she even caught his sight.
Make Her Wonder Why You Are Not Looking
To maintain great body language as a general rule should be combined with the ability to smile and also the ability to look above the neckline confidently, only skirting down to the elbow line for short breaks and emphasis, and only down to the feet if this region catches your attention.
However, while this is a good rule to follow in general to give across a positive and confident presence, in a club or bar, it might be noticed less due to the fact that people will not be closely interacting with you. Good body language in the traditional sense works best in traditional settings, but when we are in a night club or a bar, we have to mix up our repertoire a little.
You want to keep features of your back slightly perky, you want your shoulders open and not hunched (at least on one side), you want to rotate a hand, an arm, a leg slightly outward or charismatically turn your face just slightly away from them. Send signals with your body that you might open up, and that you are possibly available to get approached, but that right now you are cool just “doing you”.
See HER EGO, and Look Past It Powerfully
This is how the shy guy closes, but it is also how he evades the danger of a girl’s ego.
Girls have big fat egos in clubs, but luckily it is off and on, so really you just need to time when you look at her right. If you look at her when she puts her guard down, and look through her egotistical shield and at her, she will get that your interest in her is more powerful than all the other guys. A shy guy style goes best with the girl starting from a humble beginning, so catch her off guard and look at her like you know her and that you won’t tell everyone her secret identity.
The biggest benefit to keeping your eye
contact a little elusive
initially is that girls won’t be able to drain you of your masculine
energy by validating themselves on your
attention. Instead of trying to
start interactions with girls by making eye contact, make them work to
earn your gaze, and build up suspense for the moment you do give it up.
Open your body language, and let your reserved nature create suspense. I want you to imagine yourself like a sleeping giant; when you do intend to look at something, you do it with the power of thunder. Be composed, purposeful, and hold a glimmer in your eyes. Hold fascination in your eyes for the first few moments and then ease off and become a mystery again.
The power of shy at the end of the day is about the power of not giving people everything they want when they want it, and if you play shy in a smart way you can enjoy it just as much as taking a club or date head on with sensuality... so don’t be afraid to work a shy night into your repertoire.
The true power of shy is choice; if you want to be shy and you have the foundational strengths to do it, then nothing can stop you. There are many ways to enjoy your time and many ways to display confidence and help others have a good time, so next time someone tells you to cheer up...
... know it’s a choice.
If you are an uncomfortable shy guy, then work on having that element of choice, and one day you just might realize the true power of shy - and become a sexy shadow of the night.
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