Recently while scanning the good old Internet I came across a number of posts where guys talk down on beautiful women as being "shallow" and "bitches" and wonder about how to get "real girls." This seemed a little jarring and I like to cut myself off from negative stuff whenever possible, so I navigated away from those guys' pages.
But the thought was in my head: what is a "real girl?" Because to be sure, everyone defines it a bit differently.
A guy who sports a few tattoos and works construction might mean "a girl with a few tattoos herself who likes alternative rock and WWE" when he says "real girl." A guy who was a bit of a nerd in school and is a computer programmer now, on the other hand, might mean "a girl who appreciates sarcasm, digs anime, and plays WOW" when he says "real girl."
So who's right? Well, in a way, they both are – and neither of them are. Because what determines whether a girl is "real" or not isn't whether she rocks tattoos, surfs the web, or even whether she gets her hair dyed and her nails done or not. What determines "realness" runs a little deeper, and if you want to know how to get real girls, you need to know first what "realness" really is.
A little over eight years ago, when I was 19 years old, I launched my first website, designed to promote my music and image. Aside from the catcalls I got over my music (which was quite bad when I started out), I also took a lot of heat for being "fake" and tryhard. I was, people told me, not real.
It was a hard thing to hear, and it stung more than the comments about my amateurish music. More importantly though, it made me realize the importance of putting out a coherent, believable, genuine identity to the world – if you come off too cartoonish, too one-dimensional, as I did in those days, you get called "fake."
This is because people who only portray themselves as one thing seem unreal. They flip our mental switches that say, "That person is pretending."
The truth is, everyone bleeds. Everyone has good days and bad days, and everyone fails more often than he succeeds. People who get called "fake" don't account for this when they build their identities, and they end up coming off fake because the way they present themselves to the world is as invincible and perfect; the ideal image of something that everyone knows isn't as ideal as they present it.
But people also get called fake when others only see one side of them. That hot blonde in a flashy dress might get called "fake" by some random guys who saw her in a nightclub and pinned her as a Barbie doll, but if they knew she was a genuinely warm, accepting person who graduated summa cum laude from her school and likes to tell silly jokes at parties, suddenly they wouldn't see her as fake anymore. Suddenly she'd start to seem real.
So "fakeness" is an effect of the limits of perception – of not being able to see a person's entire self. Those limits may be due to the person him or herself – the jock who tries to always seem untouchable and perfect, for instance, or the career woman who tries to always keep it 100% professional and never mention anything about her personal life ever to her colleagues or ever get into personal discussions – or they may be due to the situation – the celebrity you only ever see on TV, or the girl you only ever see from a distance in real life.
"Real" is the word we use to describe those people we're able to emotionally relate to; the ones we see and think to ourselves, "Ah, she's just like me."
"Fake" is the word we use to describe everyone else.
Generally speaking, the more you get to know about a person, the more "real" she's going to seem to you, because the more things you're going to find out about her that you can relate to. Either you share those things in common with her, or you've had other people close to you at one point or another with the same traits.
What It Takes to Get Real Girls
So how do you get "real girls?"
Well, the first order of business is you're going to need to be able to connect with women. That means you're going to need to be able to deep dive and you're going to need to be able to get out of polite conversation.
Because if you can't connect with people, the only people who will end up seeming "real" will be the ones who go out of their way to connect with you. Everyone else will seem to be "fake" and caught up in his or her fake world.
I consider a former girlfriend of mine one of the most "real" people on the planet. She's brutally honest, ruthlessly intelligent, talented at getting people to give her what she wants, makes no excuses about looking out for herself before all others, and thrill-seeks and chases adventure like few people I know. She and I had a great relationship for a long time, and I learned quite a bit from her. But I imagine that to some men, looking at her from the outside, with her bouncy energy and high-pitched laughter and good looks and (when she hits the club) flashy dress and short attention span, she'd quickly be dismissed as "fake." They'd see her dancing crazy in the club and imagine there was nothing more to her than being just another club party girl.
Me though, I connected with her on a level much deeper than most people ever do. I learned she has a curiosity about life that's nearly boundless; that she spends a great deal of time learning, attending classes, mastering all manner of skills, software programs, and tools. She was, I found, a rich and full person; not just another club party girl.
I got to know her, and unlike how she seems to some people, she ended up seeming quite "real" to me.
Getting to know people: that's half the equation; the half that enables you to see others as "real."
The other half is helping people to get to know you; that's the half that enables them to see you as "real," too.
Most guys out there are nice guys; most of the rest are jerks. And the thing about nice guys and jerks, aside from being polar opposites of each other, is this: both jerks and nice guys are one dimensional.
The nice guy supplicates and yields in every circumstance.
The jerk dismisses and resists in every circumstance.
If a guy meets a girl, and he's a total nice guy and does everything she asks and compliments her incessantly and licks her boots, she's going to be a little disgusted by this, see him as one-dimensional, and view him as either fake or too weak.
If on the other hand a guy meets a girl, and he's a total jackass and resists her on everything and doesn't know the difference between light, flirty teasing and mercilessly busting her balls, she's going to be a little more aroused by him than the nice guy, but she's still going to see him as one-dimensional, and quite possibly view him as either fake or too closed off / defensive / tryhard.
The secret to getting women to know the real you, then, is in not being one-dimensional. The secret to getting women to know the real you is in showing them you are a real person... fast.
A girlfriend I had last year whom I'd met in an elevator leaving a nightclub commented to me once that had she met me in the club, she wouldn't have even talked to me. She never talked to men in nightclubs, she said, because she assumed they were all "club guys."
In other words, she assumed they were all fake. She thought because a man was in a nightclub, he must be a fake club party guy, and therefore one-dimensional, and therefore not someone she could relate to or even had any interest in getting to know.
To get "real girls," you must not only get good at seeing the real side of women quickly, then, but you must also show them that you, too are real.
Again, the steps are twofold:
- Deep dive and get out of polite conversation. These are crucial to getting to know a woman well quickly so you don't end up writing her off as "fake." I used to be very guilty of this mentality and trust me, it severely limits you from being with some incredible women you didn't even realize you'd get along with so well.
- Hone your abilities as a good enough conversationalist. This is necessary to quickly express a variety of diverse and interesting items about yourself. At the very least, you should aim to quickly paint a picture of yourself as a genuine guy who doesn't fit easily into any one box or category a girl might have for men.
Then, with those two things handled, you won't just be getting girls. You'll be getting "real" girls – girls you see as real, because you really get them – and they'll see you as real too.
Reference Experiences and Relating to People
I want to share one personal anecdote before we wrap up today. I've been meaning to write a proper post on having a non-judging mentality and focusing on building up reference experiences, but until that's ready, this will have to suffice.
Simply put, your reference experiences – all the experiences you have that your mind uses to build up its model of the way the world is and the people in it are – dictate whom you view as "fake" and whom you view as "real." I had a theory early on in my career approaching women that a lot of it was about achieving critical mass – once you'd had enough good experiences with a certain kind of girl, you were going to naturally be warm and confident around other girls like her, and they'd sense it and respond to you in kind.
Reference experiences are why guys with tattoos like girls with tattoos, and guys who like computer games like girls who like computer games; they can relate to each other. They're like other people they know. They feel like they're on the same page.
Because I came from a background of being very much alone my whole life, when I was younger I'd known very few people closely, and so my views of others were comprised of a lot of one-dimensional stereotyped views of pretty much everyone else in the world, derived largely from TV and movies. I thought almost everyone was "fake."
Eventually I decided I didn't like thinking that way and that it was limiting my ability to work with other people and succeed in a variety of ways in life, so I set out to change it. And the first thought I had was, "I bet you anything, if I build up reference experiences with the kind of people I think of as fake, I'll find out they're just normal human beings like me and everyone else and I'll start seeing them and everyone similar to them as real instead of fake."
One of the groups of people for a while I viewed as "fake" in the past were bleached blonde party girls of the variety that abounded all over San Diego, CA when I first moved there (the natural blondes I thought were okay!). I was used to educated, brunette, East Coast girls, and these West Coast girls seemed like such fake party girls, I thought. I felt cold toward them, and they sensed it and were equally cold back to me, which made me even colder toward them.
"They just don't like me," I'd say, "and I don't like them." I refrained from calling them "bitches" because I didn't like that word then and I don't like it now, as it seems to be mostly just the more bitter, jilted guys who use it, but the feeling I had for them was something close to what that word describes.
But instead of carrying my bias around with me, I forced myself to integrate with them and build new reference experiences. I took acting classes that threw me in the mix with a lot of beautiful bleached blonde party girls. I started hitting the bars and clubs they frequented and forced myself to meet them. I worked to really get to know bleached blonde party girls wherever I could meet them.
And something happened: I realized they were regular people. I saw their hopes, dreams, successes, failures; I came to understand why they did the things they did, stopped seeing partying and a focus on looks as "fake" and more like something that made a lot of sense for how they saw themselves and the kinds of lives they desired; and even at one point considered going blond myself, an idea I never would've entertained years before (as it turns out though, bleached hair is ridiculously high maintenance, and I didn't want to try it bad enough that I'd be willing to go sit in the salon 2 hours every 3 weeks to have my roots bleached, and pay a ton of money for it to boot).
These days, I have some pretty legitimately warm feelings toward blonde party girls. I think they're truly wonderful human beings, and they put a big smile on my face. And the main reason why is because I spent time building up reference experiences and spent lot of good times with bleached blonde party girls.
The morale of the story is, I suppose, that if you feel like a lot of women are fake, it's mostly going to be because:
- You don't have any / many good reference experiences with them to draw upon, and
- You haven't yet honed your ability to get to know anyone and everyone, thus quickly learning about people's "real" sides.
In other words, if you want to get real girls, the best place to start is by getting to know girls you think have qualities you like and admire, regardless of whether they seem "fake" from a distance. You might end up being surprised at how "real" they really are. And they might end up being surprised how real you are, too!
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