As a boy, I decided I wanted to learn how to be a man who inspired others to gather around him. I wanted to become a magnet for people. I don't know why I wanted this; it's just something I've always had, something deep in my DNA. I have family members who are actors, singers, and entrepreneurs; at least one of my ancestors was a privateer (or, more commonly, a pirate), a few hundred years back.
Even as recently as my great-grandfather, I'm told that my grandmother was first introduced to her future father-in-law when my grandfather brought her to his father's estate in Europe, led her up a large grand staircase, and cast open the doors to his bedroom, revealing an old man reposed in his bed with two young women, one on either arm. I come from a long line of different, eccentric individuals who have had little taste for playing by the rules.
Yet, I still faced an uphill climb as I developed. It might seem that being a man is passé in today's world of tender, sensitive males and assertive, upwardly mobile females. TV and the movies lionize the shy, unconfident man; powerful men routinely get painted the villains, or used as unintelligent plot devices eventually triumphed over by strong women and underdog men. Society tells you it's men's feelings that are most important, and achievement is of secondary importance; so long as you're happy, that's all that really matters.
Because of all this, we now celebrate the ordinary, and frown upon the exceptional. It's as though the exceptional threaten ordinary individuals' contentedness in their own ordinariness, and so must be discouraged from pursuing the exceptionalism that would seem so disruptive to those around them.
Well, if you want to know how to be a man women chase and pursue, you're going to have to accept that you're going to get a lot of push back from people, and you're going to have to confront the beliefs you've been instilled with since a child. You'll have to pull the wool from your eyes, so to speak.
But as you do, you'll find the world comes to look a more and more beautiful place, the more you see it for what it really is. Today, I want to help you pull that wool down and see the world a bit more for what it is, and arm you with a few steps to start taking right now to set yourself on the road to becoming the kind of man you've always dreamed you could be.
And in order to accomplish all this, I'm going to give you a set of maxims to grow by.
Maxim #1: Success Comes Not to Those Who Wait
The very first mindset I want to break you of is "success comes to those who wait." Because it doesn't.
Which of these would you ever advise a really good friend of yours to do?
- "Wait long enough, and eventually you'll become a millionaire."
- "Wait long enough, and eventually that girl you like will realize how amazing you are."
- "Wait long enough, and eventually your problems will all solve themselves."
I think this saying must have originated from some guy who spent his whole life waiting, and finally got some small success, clapped his hands, and said, "At last! My philosophy has proven its salt!"
No, success doesn't come to those who wait.
Success comes to those who take action.
Those who take action and start building the skill sets they need to become successful at the things they want.
Those who take action and start doing the things they need to do to get results.
Those who take action and start putting into practice the things they've learned, rather than going on a mad research hunt to find all the answers before they even begin. Information is great, but it must be coupled with action, or else it's all just in one ear and out the other.
Taking action to become a man women very much want means:
- You set improvement targets and stick to them ("This week I'll work on my posture and eye contact" "This week I'm going to work on using genuine interest openers with girls" "Tonight I'm going to get two phone numbers" "Tonight I'm going to ask two girls to come home with me")
- You immediately try out new information, rather than file it away (e.g., instead of just reading this article then calling it a day, you read it, then go out and use something from it right away)
- You don't listen to people who tell you to take it easy or put your concerns and desires on the back burner (you can spend years waiting around for things to happen only to find they never do or listening to people who tell you you don't need to change and that you're already "good enough" or "fine as you are")
Basically, you need to be implementing ideas why they're still fresh in your head and while you can still ride the wave of excitement and enthusiasm, because those emotions don't last, and if you don't start applying yourself while you still have those emotions there to help you out, it's going to be a lot harder later on when your excitement at new ideas or material has died down.
Use emotions to your own benefit, and take action when you're excited about making change in your life.
Whenever someone tells you, "Success comes to those who wait!" here's what I'd advise you ask:
"Oh, no way. What success have you found through waiting?"
I'm betting you'll hear crickets. Take action -- that's where success comes from.
Maxim #2: Real Men Care
All my life, I've had people tell me repeatedly that one of the things they most admire about me is that I don't care what anybody thinks, and I just do what I want and that's really cool.
But I don't kid myself. I do care. I care more than most people, in fact. I do more active reputation management than almost anyone I know. I even apply reputation management to my reputation management -- don't wade into defending yourself too much, because it makes you look reactive, but crush anyone who brings the fight to you and shut them down fast.
The people who get told they seem really cool and don't care are usually those who have the most carefully built and tailored every aspect of their image to seem effortless and natural. They've nurtured an intrinsic understanding of the Law of Least Effort in themselves and actively apply sprezzatura to all they do.
A big part of figuring out how to be a powerful man is learning how to create an effortless appearance in everything you do, including:
- Pursuing the things you want
- Maintaining and growing the things you have
- Disabling and disarming those who attack you
In seduction, that means:
- You learn the Law of Least Effort and sprezzatura and apply it rigorously
- You learn about compliance and investment and get others investing more
- You make your own communication and interactions increasingly tighter, more concise, and yet more impactful and compelling
- You learn how to deal with disruptive men and handle women's objections
Being "cool" isn't about not caring. It's about caring a great deal -- and figuring out how to build yourself out as the kind of guy who gets what he wants with a minimum of expended effort.
Eventually you do become quite effortless. You stop expending effort to appear effortless, and you no longer have to consciously think about how to decrease your visible effort. And actually, at that point, you're really flying; life becomes a lot easier and a lot more optimized for your success.
You figure out how most quickly to meet the women you're most interested in without spending too much time on women you aren't.
You figure out how to text a girl quickly and most efficaciously to get women on dates without wasting time.
You figure out how to move things along and how to test constantly and repeatedly for a woman's level of investment and commitment to you during a seduction, and screen out the women who aren't moving ahead with you or step your game up and compel them to get with the program.
Real men care -- about how they're perceived, about how others are reacting to them, and about all the little environmental nuances that are happening all around them. The better you get at processing all this information and taking the appropriate steps to best enable you to reach your desired outcome (such as finding a girl you like who's responding well to you, or getting to emotionally significant conversation with a girl you're talking with), the faster you'll be able to move with women and the more often you'll find success with them.
Maxim #3: Learn to Assess Importance Objectively
Stop me if this has happened to you.
So, you're out, and there aren't a lot of girls to talk to. You know you need to get better at meeting women, but, man... there just doesn't seem to be that many good prospects. So, you fold it up, call it a night, and head home.
Right there, in the moment, that feels like a subjectively good decision. Rather than pushing yourself into situations with a low chance of success, you decide to head back home and unwind a bit.
But let me ask you this: had you spent an extra 20 minutes out and just met a few of those unpromising girls and worked through a few extra conversations, would that have benefited your life?
Particularly if you're new to pick up, I'm guessing it would have. I'm guessing it would have:
- Given you a few new reference points on meeting women
- Given you an opportunity to try out a couple of things on your list to learn
- Given you an opportunity to maybe meet a girl you'd end up having something great with
I've had nights that I was about to chalk up as lost nights that were turned around by a single approach. In fact, a girlfriend I had late last year -- a beautiful, intelligent architect with an absolutely breathtaking body -- I met in an elevator at the end of a night when I was dead tired and hadn't talked to a soul beside the pal I'd come out with (I was only out because he needed a buddy to go out with) and a few of his friends in the VIP table we'd swung by and hung out at for an hour or so. I almost didn't want to talk to her, but I figured the relaxation of minding my own business couldn't trump saying "hi" and finding out what might happen in the long term.
Long term? We ended up becoming boyfriend and girlfriend and she was a great introduction to life abroad for me. I really valued the time we spent together; she was a great girlfriend.
I'll give you another example of properly assessing importance, not related to seduction.
So, the other night, I was heading back from my office quite late. I was walking back to my apartment, thinking about what a long walk back it was going to be. A 40 minute walk back.
And then I stopped, and said, "Wait a minute." I realized how silly I was being. I'm so cost-conscious that I was skipping a taxi ride to save myself the cost of the cab fare back to my apartment -- a grand total of $1.50. $1.50 to get home in 5 minutes instead of 40 minutes. And then I considered how much my time was worth -- one of my business partners calculated that the economic returns over the course of 2 years of some of the assets I'm building in some of my businesses right now value my time at approximately $1000 an hour when I'm developing those things.
So, there I was, walking an extra 35 minutes to save myself $1.50, when I could've taken that time and instead plowed it back into asset-building to earn an extra $583 over the next 2 years ($1000 / hour is $16.67 / minute -- that's $583.33 for 35 minutes).
People do this. Everybody does this. We get into the habit of assessing things emotionally instead of objectively. Things like:
- Whether to approach one more girl or not
- Whether to call or text that girl whose phone number you got
- Whether to invite that girl home that you know likes you, despite feeling nervous that you might blow it with a girl you've just had a great date with and wanting to just call it a night as if that will "save the game" for later
In the long term, the objective answer is, "Push yourself a little harder and find out what happens. The opportunity cost is low -- you should do it."
In the short term, that means you're going to be fighting your emotions somewhat. That's an important aspect of how to be a man, though -- you need to master yourself, and learn to use your emotions to work with you and for you instead of against you. In time, you'll become excited by opportunities -- they're chances to learn more, improve, and maybe bring something wonderful into your life -- instead of skeptical of them. That mentality's a major differentiator between those men who are successful at their endeavors and those who eternally struggle.
Maxim #4: Be a Caretaker of Others' Emotions But Not a Slave to Them
I hear a lot of people say they don't want to have to take care of others' emotions. They don't want that responsibility.
And in truth, most people don't. Most people run around their lives, butting heads with everyone, acting like billy goats with little concern for their impact on other people, trying to get what they want to get and to hell with anybody else.
Then there's the segment of people who try to be super careful about others' emotions -- to the extent that they stuff their own wants and needs down deep inside, in an effort not to offend or hurt or embarrass anybody else. They want to be big plush teddy bears that never cause offence or rub others the wrong way.
Both of these people are wrong.
- The billy goats end up fighting with everyone and their lives are marked by interpersonal conflict and strife.
- Meanwhile, the teddy bears acquire a growing reserve of resentment and bitterness inside at never getting what they want.
How do you not end up being a conflict-ridden billy goat or a resentment-laden teddy bear?
Easy. You learn to take care of others emotions -- but not to be a slave to them.
Necessary in all iterations of learning how to be a man is learning the right amount of mindfulness to pay to others' emotions. Minding others' emotions is crucial -- people need to feel you understand them and care about them before they'll work together with you, cooperate with you, and build alliances with you. But people also need to know you're going to go for what you want and get it -- if they feel you're a pushover they'll walk all over you, and if they don't realize you have wants or needs that aren't being met, they aren't going to go out of their way to help you meet them (they can't -- they don't know what those wants and needs are because you haven't told them or shown them clearly).
I call this internal goal focus versus external goal focus, and I define it like this:
- People who are internally goal focused (the billy goats) are primarily focused on what they want and how to get it (and even when it comes to other people, they see themselves as having to push and guide and even coerce others to give them what they want).
- People who are externally goal focused (the teddy bears) are primarily focused on what other people want and helping them to get it (and rely on others to recognize what they in turn want and help them to get it).
If you're internally focused, you need to train yourself to be more sensitive to others, to better read their emotions, and to take care of them. This is how you learn to get what you want more effectively with less conflict.
And if you're externally focused, you need to train yourself to be more assertive in pursuing what you want, to make it clearer to others what your needs and desires are, and to fit your wants into your approach to dealing with others. This is how you learn to get what you want without having to stuff your needs down inside unmet.
As this relates to women, the internally goal focused billy goats need to work on things like this:
- Reading women's emotions more
- Understanding women better
- Building an emotional connection with women
- Learning how to match their wants with women's wants so the two are aligned
That last one is quite important -- that's doing things like getting her to tell you what kind of man she's looking for, and giving her the kind of experience that best matches with what she desires, rather than just doing whatever you wanted to do and expecting her to go along with it.
Meanwhile, the externally goal focused teddy bears need to work on things like this:
- Pushing for the close
- Moving faster with women
- Making things happen rather than waiting until next time
We're all human beings, and we're all walking, talking emotion machines. We run on emotions, and it's important that we give ample consideration to both others' emotions... and to our own. If the people you're dealing with are unhappy, or you yourself are unhappy, it isn't going to work. You've both got to be getting your needs met -- that's what being a caretaker of emotions is about:
- Find out her needs, and meet them, and
- Recognize your needs, and meet them, too.
Maxim #5: Know How to Win
“I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.”
- Thomas Edison
Nothing on Earth is more difficult than trying to get something when you don't know how to win.
Can you imagine if Thomas Edison started working in his laboratory without already knowing he wanted to make a long-lasting incandescent light bulb? The man had to try scads of different combinations before he found one that worked and produced a commercializable product.
Had he been in his lab kinda sorta fiddling around, he never would've invented anything he invented. Instead, he sat down, laid out what specifically it was he wanted to achieve... and then, with a lot of time and hard work, he achieved it.
Finding success with women is like this, and there are a lot of different things that you might want right now. Those things might include:
- To be liked by women
- To be pursued by women
- To sleep with a lot of women
- To get intimacy whenever you want it in any situation
- To get a girlfriend
- To find a wife
- To have children in marriage
- To consistently sleep with women of high quality
- To consistently sleep with women of any quality
- To have children with high quality women without getting locked down
- To have children with any women without getting locked down
- To impress other men
- To stop being alone
- To get a companion
Thing is, if you don't look inward and ask yourself what you really want and how you intend to get it, there's a good chance you'll end up fiddling in the lab and never produce anything worth producing. Because you see, the more effective your goal is, the more likely you are to find success, but if you don't know what your goal is, chances are you've got one that isn't well-oriented toward getting you big, satisfying returns over long-term.
For instance, the goal of "Be liked by women" I'd finger as qualitatively far inferior to a goal like "Sleep with women." Why? Because there's no end point to "be liked." You can't win.
Something like "Get a girlfriend" or "Get a wife" I also view as inferior to a goal like "Have children." A woman can always quit being your girlfriend. And she can always divorce you if you get married. Have children and you've achieved something that isn't (heaven forbid) going to go away any time in your lifetime.
The more intangible or reversible a goal is, the weaker it is as a goal of yours. I'd view the level of effectiveness of goals in the list above for forcing you to improve with women as running in this order:
- Get intimacy whenever you want it in any situation
- Have children with high quality women without getting locked down
- Consistently sleep with women of high quality
- Consistently sleep with women of any quality
- Have children with any women without getting locked down
- Have children in marriage
- Get a wife
- Get a girlfriend
- Get a companion
- Stop being alone
- Be pursued by women
- Impress other men
- Be liked by women
My recommendation is you go down that list and pick the first thing that feels like something you want and that isn't too scary, and aim for that. The higher up the list a goal is, the more daunting it is as a goal, and the more difficult it will be to achieve and the more mental resistance to it as a goal most men will have.
So, for instance, if you talk to most guys and ask them if they'd like to aim to be able to get intimacy in any situation, a lot of guys have push back against that. They'll say, "No, that's way too hard for me, I don't want to be that skilled, I just want to be better than I am now."
The next one down, ask guys if they want to have children, and most guys under about 35 or so freak out and go, "Whoa, no way! I mean, someday maybe, but... no way! Not now!" So that'd be too much to set as a goal for a lot of guys.
Just keep going down the list until you find the first one that feels comfortable and feels like something you can be excited about targeting -- then target that. For some guys, that's going to be "Sleep with a lot of women." For most of the rest, that's probably going to be, "Get a girlfriend." Regardless, if you're like most guys, you're probably starting off with a really intangible, ephemeral, unconscious goal, like "be liked by women" or "impress other men," that has no end point and can never really be achieved. The higher up the list you go, the more you'll force yourself to need to be able to achieve in order to accomplish that goal.
The cool thing about this is, achieving a goal unlocks lower goals and makes upper goals feel a lot more manageable. e.g., to a guy who's pursued by women, being liked by women is handled, although he might still struggle with getting a girlfriend. To a guy who's got a girlfriend, being pursued by women probably seems achievable even if he isn't currently there, as does being liked by women.
Figure out how to win, and then play to win. That's how you force yourself to advance at a rapid clip and build a drive for success into your development.
How to Be a Man Women Chase and Pursue -- It's All in What You Do
Ultimately, everyone in dating and pick up seems to like to keep saying that getting success with girls is all about who you are, or who you become.
To an extent, that's right -- but to an extent, it's wrong, too.
Because you could be the coolest, smartest, most awesome guy on Earth, but if you don't do the right things, none of that matters.
And you could have a lot of things that make life difficult for you, and a lot of obstacles to overcome, but if you get yourself doing the right things, you'll be flying.
So, it isn't who you are so much as what you do and how well you do it.
- Refuse to wait for success and go to get it yourself,
- Actively manage your reputation,
- Assess the importance of things objectively,
- Take care of others emotions but assert what you want too, and
- Know how to win and aim for that, then
you will succeed. You'll succeed so hard other people will go nuts trying to figure out what it is you're doing and how they can get in on that.
So don't worry too much if you don't think you are the kind of man this woman goes for or that woman goes for, and don't worry if the world is telling you you're not fitting the mold of what everyone is supposed to look like and act like and think like and be like. Pool the wool from your eyes, and focus instead on building the right actions into how you live your life, and I promise, with enough hard work and enough discipline, you'll get what you want to get... and then some. By pushing yourself to become a man who achieves incredible things with women, and in life in general, you will by default become a magnetic man... an enchanting man... a man whom women chase, and a man whom women pursue.
Talk to you soon.