Booty Calling; or, Turning Phone Numbers Into Sex


booty callOver on the discussion boards, Stratvm discussed a phone number he'd grabbed in Switzerland while just passing through, and wanted to know how he could convert this quick phone number into a real booty call - how does he get this girl coming over for sex. He noted:

It would be nice to have a blog post on how to convert numbers to same day lays; now I'm just guessing how to proceed.

This article is going to be about two things:

  1. How to get a girl you've just met to respond to a "booty call"
  2. How to get into a booty call relationship with a girl you've already been with
  3. How to screen for the women who are likely to be open to booty calls

... and that last one's especially important. Not every girl is open to the idea of slinking over to your pad close to the witching hour for a late night slice of lovin'. Some women find the idea offensive to their sensibilities.

But the ones who are open to it... you may well be leaving them feeling a little less excitement in their lives by not going for it.

So here's how to pull a booty call off - and we'll begin with all the wrong ways men go about trying to get women over for some quality between-the-sheets time.


booty call

Biggest mistake most men make with setting up a booty call?

Being too clinical about it.

True, there are women that love men who tell them to come on over for a good role in the hay. These women are almost always:

  • High sex drive
  • Already very sold on him
  • Already in a booty call relationship with him

If you try sending a

“How's it going, Isabella? How about you and I get a little something going on tonight?”

message to her out of the blue, and she isn't all three of those things above, you almost certainly don't get the response you want. That is not how you turn a girl on.

But why not?


For Women, It's All About the Experience

Switch on some hardcore porn. No real backstory, just a couple of people going at it, body parts rubbing, fluids flying, moans groaning. If you're like most men, a couple seconds of this and you're raring to go.

Women? Women's normal reaction is scientific: Oh, that's interesting, I didn't know people could do that, or else it's one of mild distaste: Ew, do we have to watch this?

Men see and hear reactions like this from women and assume women don't like sex that much. Which couldn't be farther from the truth... women love sex.

They just don't love sex detached from emotion.

You see, while emotions are important for men to an extent, they're far more so for women. For women, it's all about the experience.

Romance novels frequently get termed "porn for women," and for good reason. They appeal to women's sense and style of turn-on and attraction:

  • A sexy, mysterious man enters into the heroine's life
  • She simply cannot figure him out... who is this man?
  • She begins to pull back his masks, revealing all his Byronic traits
  • The two of them become lovers, going passionately to bed
  • She continues seeing this man, but frustratingly cannot tame him
  • Maybe she leaves this man, seeking stability elsewhere, but later comes back

Women absolutely, positively love these kinds of experiences.

And the way most men run their casual relationships, women are deprived of this romance and intrigue.

Instead, they make them clinical, dry, and all about the sex.

There are some women who will show up for that. And those relationships will tend to be fairly easy to manage, and relatively drama-free.

However, the selection of women available for a pure, romance-free, unsexy friends-with-benefits relationship is not that large, and not that diverse. You're picking from a small pool.

If you want to widen the pool you have to choose from, and have more women willing to give you what you want, you must be prepared to give them what they want, too.

That doesn't mean a ring on their fingers... most girls younger than 28 or 29 in the West these days who've been dating you for less than at least a few months (and usually much more) are anathema to settling down.

It doesn't even necessarily mean an exclusive relationship, or a real commitment of any kind.

Instead, what it means is an experience... for her to keep seeing you for sex, there must be something more than just body parts there that she can get excited about and want to experience again and again.


Can You Be Romantic without Being a Boyfriend?

booty callOf course.

It starts with:

  1. Not talking too much about your lifestyle. You may be hitting the clubs four nights a week, or you may be seeing two other women besides her. Or, she may be the first booty call you've ever had. Don't tell her this - she doesn't need to know. Your routine isn't exciting, and it robs you of your mystery - and gives her lots of opportunity to either a) see you as way crazier than she is, or b) see you as way tamer than she is... neither of which are good, and neither of which you want in a casual relationship.

  2. Treating her romantically every time she comes over. She may not be the kind of girl you'd have as a committed girlfriend, and she may be only one of the women you're seeing, but when she comes over, treat her like she's the only woman in the world to you. That doesn't mean whispering sweet nothing in her ear or promising things you can't deliver - but it does mean being romantic, paying rapt attention to her, and not running around doing work or coordinating with friends (i.e., turn your phone off while she's over).

  3. Not getting emotional in the face of drama. There's a time and a place for getting upset at women's drama and giving it right back to them - but that is only in committed relationships, not in casual ones. Never get angry or upset at your booty call - she's with you for good emotions, not bad ones. You must be a safe harbor of tranquility, sensuality, and warmth - a place for her to come for the kind of fantastical romance she usually only reads about in books. When she gets dramatic with you - whether it's because of your relationship, or because of things happening in her life - stay calm; be a little sad if she tells you she must leave; and don't chase after her if she does, but do make sure she knows you're sad to see her go. Worst case, she leaves, but probably comes back later; more likely, she calms down, and is glad to have you in her life.

The goal is not to be a clinical "this is just about the sex and nothing else" casual partner. Those are not much fun for women, and women don't often stick around for very long with them.

Instead, you want to be the guy she almost wishes she could have as a boyfriend... if only he wasn't such a knave.


booty call

In this section, we're going to look at three scenarios:

  1. You've met a girl, got her number, and want to take her to bed that day

  2. You've got a girl you've known for a long time, and want to try a booty call

  3. You've got a girl you've slept with once or twice, and want to establish an ongoing casual relationship

And, lastly, we'll take a look at screening women for fast sex and casual relationship potential, and how you can filter these women in more quickly and more reliably, so you aren't wasting your (or uninterested women's) time.

Let's dive in.


#1: Same-Day Lays from New Phone Numbers

There are a couple of different reasons you might want to get a phone number from a girl and use that phone number to try and meet her later and sleep with her the same day:

  • You only have a very short time in town, like Stratvm
  • You're too busy most of the time to schedule normal dates
  • You're meeting lots of girls and want to spin the roulette wheel
  • You want to see how far you can push things and try something new

Whatever your reasoning, expect that a certain portion of your numbers will become useless after you try this.

There's a certain percentage of women who are plainly and simply going to be insulted and disgusted that you tried to see them again the same day, and write you off as nothing but a sex-hound who's only in it for the, ahem, booty.

So don't do this with any girls you're not okay with potentially losing, or you aren't 100% are going to be psyched about saying "yes"... or at least won't be completely opposed to the idea.

That said, you can vastly lower your "shock and disgust" odds if you're coming across the right way when meeting girls earlier in the day or night whom you trade phone numbers with and intend to ping to meet up later:

  • You must be using a sexual vibe. You won't get far with seeing women again later if they weren't sexually aroused the first time they met you, with at least some part of them hoping something would happen right then. If you're not a sexy man just yet, that's okay, because you can work on it; however, to convert phone numbers you got that day into new lovers of yours, you need a little sexy to get things going.

  • You must end things sexy. The most important moment for you being sexy is at the very end of your interaction with the girl, as you're saying goodbye. The rest of the interaction is important - if you were sexy most of the time, but ended unsexy, you can recover from that - but if you were a little bit off your game at the start (say if you're doing street stops during day game, or you're meeting women in decidedly un-sexy places, like the checkout counter when they're more focused on ringing people up than meeting new partners), finishing up strongly sexy can sometimes save the day.

  • You must imply or say you want to see her soon. That means you don't just say, "We should trade numbers"; nor do you say, "Let's meet up sometime this week or next" (usually). Instead, rather, you want to say something more akin to, "Well, cool; I know you're busy right now, and I've still got a little running around to do, but maybe let's try to meet up a little later for a coffee/nightcap [depending on the time of the day you meet her in]." After she says okay, then you trade phone numbers.

What these points are most focused on are managing expectations.

booty callIf a girl gets a message from you asking her to meet up the same day you met her, when your interaction had otherwise been platonic, unsexy, and there'd been no mention of meeting up so soon, it's a little jarring, a little unexpected, and seems rather off. It doesn't match up with the expectations you set for her when you met her earlier.

And because of that, she's most likely to say "no."

On the other hand, when you set the right expectations early on by being a sexually enticing guy and by making it clear you want to see her very soon, she'll be expecting to hear from you on meeting up soon - and she's a lot more likely to say "yes." Even if you came across a little too boyfriend-y, and she wants to slow things down to potentially rope you in, she'll still get a smile on her face and suggest the two of you meet sometime in a couple of days instead, because she sees you as a sexual man.

This is so important.

Don't underestimate the size of the effect of setting the right expectations early on with women... these are absolutely key.

I have a friend who likes to meet girls in bars and nightclubs and whisper very direct sexual things into their ears - he'll be interacting with them normally, when suddenly he'll pull them in close and whisper, "I want to make sweet love to you all night long," in their ears. Then he'll release them. When he has to go or they do, he'll calmly trade numbers with them and say, "Yeah, we should meet up sometime."

Then later, when the bars are closing, he'll text these girls to meet up. They don't always, but when they do, it's pretty straightforward from there.

If he didn't set sexual expectations though, I doubt he'd get nearly as many of them showing up as he does.

So, what message do you send to a girl you met earlier in the day that you want to see again later?

You have a couple of options:

  1. The Invitation: use this with any girl you think likes being in control or shows signs of high self-esteem (e.g., the leader of the group; outgoing girls; loud girls; etc.). It looks like this:

    “Julianne, it’s Blake! Just finished shopping. Still game for that coffee?”

    You leave it as an invitation, rather than a command, so you don't cause her competitive nature to rear its head and decline just for the sake of declining. This way, you give her some control, and let her say, "Okay, sure - what'd you have in mind?"

  2. The Command: use this with quieter / less outgoing / less dominant women, who respond better to being told what to do than they do to having to decide what to do (e.g., not the leader of the group; reserved girls; quiet girls; etc.). Looks like this:

    “Hey Julianne - Blake. Let’s get some food; I’m starving.”

    Submissive women prefer being told what to do - they like the security of a strong man who takes charge. They also get a slight thrill out of you not asking them what they're doing, and you being more concerned with your own needs ("I'm starving") than you are theirs - because their needs are more to be in your presence and around your strength than anything else.

    (You might be tempted to add a question at the end like, "Are you out of the club yet?" but don't do that - you make it easier for her to say "no." It lowers your same-day conversion rates a good bit)

The command is more polarizing than the invitation is. That mean that the command will tend to get a stronger positive response from the women you want (the ones who are interested in you sexually) while also getting a stronger negative response (or no response) from the women who don't want what you want.

Which means, if your ultimate goal is, "Get a girl for tonight, no matter what," then you probably want to meet a bunch of different girls, grab phone numbers from all the ones you like, and send "command"-style texts to all of them to meet up with you later and get food and see who bites... since not all of them will.


#2: Booty Call to an Old Friend

This one's the "social circle booty call" - you know, hooking up with friends. Lots of guys do it wrong. They either:

  • Booty call some girl out of the blue, without any hint or warning,

  • Booty call some girl they ran into earlier that day/night, again without any hint or warning, or they

  • Booty call some girl they missed an escalation window with earlier, trying to save something they'd lost

One guess as to what's missing here...?

Expectation, of course!

The guy's either had a previously platonic interaction with the girl - in which case, it feels weird when he's suddenly expressing sexual interest (What made him change his mind? she wonders; is he desperate now? Ew - stay away from desperate guys) - or else he had a chance to make something happen with her previously, missed that chance, and now he's scrambling to make up lost ground (Too late, you already had your shot, she thinks in disgust).

The way around this, of course, is setting the right expectation when you're in person with a girl you want to have available to you as a casual partner later.

That means, same as with the same-day lay scenario, you need:

  • A sexy vibe
  • To end things sexy
  • To leave some clue that you'll get in touch or see her soon

You cannot fix this one after the fact. If you didn't communicate these things the last time you saw a girl... wait until you see her again. Don't suddenly start breaking out the sexiness over the airwaves when you've previously been platonic in person. It's a little alarming to girls, and not at all exciting or intriguing. It's not what the kind of sexy, compelling men women fantasize about do.

Instead, you must either do things right from the beginning - or wait until you see a girl again in person, and do things right then.

Once you've lain the proper groundwork with a girl in person, the follow up works like this:

“Kimberly, it’s Bert. Planning out a lazy night... throwing on a movie and some popcorn. Interested?”

(I like using the word "interested" here, because it's classy yet very direct - you're being unambivalent about your 'interest' in her, and asking if she feels the same. Even if she's tied up that night or not particularly horny, if she likes you you'll usually get a good response to this - like, "That sounds fun, but I have to get up really early tomorrow. How about dinner on Thursday?" I also like the word "lazy," because it implies lounging around in pajamas or in bed, in a very comfortable, low-stress, intimate environment)

And of course, if she comes over for a movie and popcorn, you know what to do there. She knows it isn't just a movie and popcorn she's coming over for... it's why she came.


#3: Converting a New Lover into a Casual Relationship

You won't have much to worry about if you've taken a girl on a long string of dates before taking her to bed - by that point, it's assumed the two of you will be boyfriend-girlfriend, and everything after that is automatic. However, in the case of the girl you've had first-date sex with or taken to bed recently on a second date, unless things were weird or horrible last time, you've got a pretty solid position to call her over from.

Establishing a casual relationship with a new girl you're seeing works best if you follow these tenets:

  1. Don't see her or do anything with her outside of having her come over
  2. Don't spend too much time doing non-physical things with her
  3. Make sure you have sex with her every time you see her

Failing to follow those rules puts you well on your way to ending up in boyfriend territory, or, worse, just friends territory.

So, you'll want to stay away from inviting her over to go out to do anything. If you're reasonably inexperienced, this can seem tempting - you fear a girl might think you "only want sex" from her, and that you'll stand a better chance of getting her out if you invite her to a party, or go see a movie, or have dinner at a restaurant, or whatnot.

But that's "girlfriend," not "casual partner."

Instead, you want to invite her over to spend time with you.

If you're doing a good job being the sexy, romantic, intriguing man, and you're holding up your end of the bargain in the bedroom, then trust me - she wants to come see you.

She's just waiting for you to invite her over in a way that makes her feel good about it, is all.

At this stage of your relationship, you want a one-two punch in texting, like so:

You: I was thinking about the way your hair falls across your shoulders... quite beautiful.

Her: Hi Robby... :)

You: Would you honor me with your presence tonight... so that I could marvel at those beautiful locks once more?

or

You: Samantha... it's been far too long now. Do you miss me?

Her: Hi Robby! :) Do you miss ME?

You: I think you should come over tonight... it's the only way to cure your missing me so.

or

You: Tell me, dear... what kind of food tempts you the most?

Her: Mmm, I'd have to say red wine and oysters. Delicious.

You: In that case, come join me tonight, and we will have red wine and oysters together.

Treat your interactions with her like they're something out of a romance novel - the kind she reads at night, when she's all alone in her apartment - and she will get the same feeling of excitement and eagerness and breathlessness for you she gets for the heroes of those books.

You don't have to worry about her seeing you as a boyfriend - if you're only seeing her once a week on average, 6 times a month at most, she'll know you're not boyfriend material.

But she'll still treasure spending time with you anyway - and (until she starts wanting something more) she'll love getting your calls to spend time together.

One caveat: if she is a very direct, no-nonsense kind of gal - if she's a) high sex drive, b) very unromantic with you, c) more like a guy with breasts and a vagina than she is a soft and sensitive girl, don't send her romantic booty call texts.

Instead, just ask her if she's free and invite her to come over.


The Late-Night Booty Call

Now, what do you do if it's 11 o'clock at night and you've only just realized you'd really like to see a girl right now?

First off, screen for women who are open to this - or, hope your girl's a girl like this.

Second off, fire off a message like this:

You: Carrie, let's see each other.

Her: Gio - what were you thinking?

You: You and I, putting our feet up, having some late-night pizza, and a few sips of whatever your favorite alcoholic beverage is. I've already ordered the pizza.

The line about whatever her favorite alcoholic beverage is you put there to give her something to get excited about (she starts thinking about her favorite drink). It's okay if you don't have it when she shows up - say she comes in and says she loves vodka cranberry, and all you have is whiskey and wine. You'll just say, "Oh no, I'm unprepared... all we have is whiskey, wine, or water."

The line about you having already ordered the pizza is there to:

  • Excite her with your audacity (you've just assumed she's coming)
  • Make it feel like more of an assumed thing
  • Open you up to make you a little more vulnerable
  • Communicate that you're a fun person and you take bold action

The worst thing that happens is she says she can't come, and you respond back with, "So you mean... I must eat this pizza alone."

And then text someone else to come over instead.


How to Screen Women Open to Booty Calls

You're looking for a few things when selecting women with casual potential:

  • Girls who are bored
  • Girls who don't want a relationship much now
  • Girls who are very busy / have a lot going on
  • Girls who have very demanding careers

In fact, just about the only women you should rule out are ones looking hard for a boyfriend.

You might think you ought to rule out emotional women - but that isn't necessarily the case. Emotional women are just as likely to engage in casual relationships as their calmer peers - although you might still want to rule them out to avoid the drama that inevitably comes with them (your call).

You might also think you want to rule out inexperienced women, or experienced women, or confident women, or unconfident women - but none of these things are predictors of whether a girl will be open or not to a casual sexual relationship - and to a late-night (or otherwise) booty call.

The only thing to screen out, really, are women who are clearly on a mission for their next boyfriend or husband.

And even then... if you do a good enough job of being purely the lover... you can end up providing a release and an outlet for them as their guy on the side, while they continue the hunt for Mr. Right.


Things to Remember

booty callKeep in mind:

  • Sex is about experiences much more than body parts for women

  • Women like sexy men, who end things sexy, and set good expectations

  • Don't talk about your lifestyle, treat her romantically, and don't get emotional

  • No going out in public, "dates," or sleeping over (think "booty call," not "girlfriend")

Also bear in mind that if you're going for a booty call, there's a certain percentage of women (typically the ones who wanted you as a boyfriend or a friend only) who may be put off, disgusted, or resentful - though this goes down dramatically if you use the smoother techniques we talked about here.

It's a lot easier to get a girl over the same day or night if you're setting the right expectations from the beginning and you're inviting her over in a way that's charming, romantic, and appealing.

So long as you're not bluntly propositioning her, or sexting her with naked photos of your manliness (definitely don't do that... experiences, not body parts, remember), you'll be okay.

Always,
Chase

Related Articles from GirlsChase.com

Comments

Anonymous's picture

Dialogue Needed


Great article! I completely agree that setting the right expectations right off the bat is the most effective way to go. Doing things this way rules out the ones who aren't going to bite anyway (so you waste no time) and for those that are on the fence or interested gets them excited..."finally a man I like has the courage and social savvy to approach me how I want to be approached!"

I know sexiness is part body language, vibe, and part dialogue. It's easy for me to do the sexy eyes and bedroom voice, and touch, but the dialogue aka presentation (implication and suggestion) is what I need some help with. Especially since alot of women I meet in my city in the daytime aren't as bold right off the bat -- they give me little to respond to. Responding in a tactfully sexy way (after a girl already has done so) is relatively easy for me depending on my mood, but initiating the sexy-dialogue in a social savvy way is something I just have difficulty with. And so the challenge I have is letting them know in not-so-overt ways what I want to do. I know logically what chase framing and sexual framing do...they set up the frame (idea) in their minds and gets them thinking about what could happen. But with women the challenge is to do this in a way that threads the needle that isn't too overtly sexual (turn-off), but has just enough punch to get the point across. So my focus for the next few weeks is to look at some conversational examples to design my sexy dialogue, so that I can flex them at will in real-time. So any tips, links, or advice, books, etc would be greatly appreciated. (I imagine you may be reluctant to post any conversational examples due to a large reader-base, but I do need help, and I don't think I'm alone).

Thanks and great article!

Chase Amante's picture

Dialogue

Author

Anon-

Yes, that's often the tricky part - getting going in the first place. Normally you want to feel a girl out a little bit before diving into anything too verbally sexual (though you can easily be nonverbally sexual right from the get-go). A few semi-sly remarks usually do the trick - judge her response and see if she's comfortable engaging in some sexual banter and innuendo from there. Like:

You: I like your hair.

Her: Thanks!

You: You use that to make men chase you around and act ridiculous?

or:

You: Cool earrings.

Her: Thanks!

You: I'll bet those bring all the boys to the yard.

(that latter'd be one you'd only use if you were getting at least a modicum of sexual signals from her)

Once she's responded well to innuendo like that, you can start chase framing and painting her as the pursuer. If she doesn't respond that well, or she's neutral in her response, you just move onto another topic and take a more neutral tone with her. Her response usually tells you how you can expect things to go with her... excited/playing along is good, and shy/bashful is good, while annoyed is not good.

There's a conversation example (with comments and explanations) up here, that should help for getting a little more grounding:

Conversation Example

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Gaming younger women


Getting younger women
Posted by Anonymous on Sunday, 7 April 2013

Hi Chase, I am a 24 year old male and I am only interested in girls who are 18/19 and in my country the only place I can hookup with them is at schools or social clubs. I dont know how to approach these girls in such a way that I will not creep them up and I had loads of failures with women of my age in the past. please give me tips and specific articles to improve my game and confidence.Thanks !

Chase Amante's picture

Younger Women

Author

Anon-

It's hard to know what specifically you're missing from a short, brief description - e.g., do you usually do well with women in general, and just struggle with this specific age group, or is it women overall you need work with? There can be some cultural differences between how women think about older men, but generally women prefer older men to younger. Girls who are still in their late teens / early twenties tend to prefer men who are bigger, more blatant "assholes" than older women (who find subtlety more appealing), simply because they're not as experienced in the mating game yet and aren't as good at reading between the lines - and the men they're most used to aren't yet either.

Anyway, you mention struggling with women your own age as well, which makes it sound like it's more women overall you need to work on than one particular age group (and really, the difference between ages is more nuance than radical changes). Start with nailing your fundamentals down - walk, posture, eye contact, voice, movement speed, effort levels, basic conversational opening - and once you're getting better responses from women in general, keep targeting more things for improvement.

And when you're dealing with younger girls... just be a little more of a jerk than usual (but, not too much!).

Chase

Brian48's picture

Hey Chase, had a question:


Funny you put this article out. I ran into a sexy 23 year old Columbian chick a few weeks back, me being black this doesnt happen too often. Anyway I took her home and slept with her same night. I later found out she was unemployed, had no real plans for the future and despite the fact that she drank and smoked weed everyday she basically couldnt maintain her composure under either influence. She also mentioned something about enjoying cocaine from time to time.

So my thinking was that I definitely couldnt make her my girlfriend but we definitely could be sex buddies as long as she somewhat behaved around me, so I continued to let her come threw a few days a week.

This is where everything got weird, I felt myself getting alittle attached, so for a few days at a time I would either kick it with my boys or I would be with another chick or two. She would call me every night, I wouldnt always answer but when I did she would want to know where I had been.

Thats when the "mixed signals" came in: she invited me to her her folks house cooked me a homemade Spanish meal, started talking about how she wanted a boyfriend then later when we were making out put a huge hicky on me.

Then
5 minutes later she'd be talking some guy that asked for her number or this dude or that dude. So I basically sat her down and told her that I did care about her and there were things I liked about her but I felt she was too much of a party girl to be what I wanted in a relationship, that we should just be sex buddies, and respectfully not put other people in each others faces like she seemed to like to do.

I dont know what registered but things came to a head on a beer run we made together. We got in line, she bought beer and cigs but had to use the bathroom in the middle of the transaction so collected the mechandise and her wallet and waited for her outside in my car. She comes out the bathroom starts flirting with this guy in my plain view then proceeds to follow the guy to his car.

I in turn get pissed and pull off, deciding to take all her money out her wallet and that I would drink all her beer and smoke her smokes. As soon as I get back to my spot she pulls up with this guy saying he wanted to smoke weed with us. So Im like how could you bring some strange dude to my house. The guy got scared and took off. I tell her tgtf off my property, the she starts to get upset saying how could I treat her like this and so forth.
I continued to cuss her out for another half hour and she finally gave up and left.
What do you make of all this?

Chase Amante's picture

Girls with Problems

Author

Brian-

Not much to make of it - sounds like you knew what you what you were getting into from the start, but got into it anyway for the sex. I've been there, and had to learn the lesson - when a girl's got red flags all over, you just stay away. One-night stand at best... and even then, you've got to be pretty careful. The more problems someone has, generally, the more attachment issues they have, the clingier they get, and the weirder and more extreme they get.

Anyway, you clearly had a girl with lots of issues who only knew how to use passive aggressive ways to try and strong arm you into a relationship (which no doubt would've been a big mess regardless). A girl like this, if you're going to keep her on in any capacity, you really only want to have coming over to your place, and never be doing things in public or give her the chance to cause public drama / problems for you. And the instant she starts doing so, you've got to give her the boot.

Usually though, it's just better not to start up with her in the first place. My personal rule is as soon as a girl starts showing me she has problems - substance abuse, major relationship baggage, glaring personality disorders, financial problems, whatever - we're done. She has my sympathy, but personally, I don't have a whole heck of a lot of time to play superman / suffering servant these days. There are lots of beautiful girls out there with healthy psychology - much better to be with one of them instead.

Chase

Brian48's picture

Thanks Chase, you're right on


Thanks Chase, you're right on point.

Hunt's picture

Coolness


Hey Chase, great post.

Can you do a post on how to be "cool", and the personality of a cool person? I've read your posts on investment and sprezzerata, however i still can quite grasp it. It seems like when I go to parties or group situations, some people are so "alpha" (the traditional term) and just have it. The thing is, they can do stuff thats against the LOLE, like shout very loudly and occasionally act like an asshole. All in all, im very confused about the topic

Hunt

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Coolness

Author

Hunt-

Most definitely! That's a topic I enjoy a good deal, and can spin a good yarn about.

For the record, shouting ≠ cool, although there are an inordinate amount of young guys who try to use it as such, and other young guys intimidated/awed by it. If you're legitimately cooler than they are though, you can actually make the alpha jocks a little self conscious for shouting while you sit there looking composed and powerful.

Anyway, I'll toss it on the posting queue.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase, I know a girl that


Hi Chase,

I know a girl that I asked out on a date before. At first, she ignored my text but I persisted and she agreed to go on a date with me on Friday. She said that she was free Friday around noonish and I said I would text her to confirm as she was leaving at that point. What time frame would you wait before texting this girl to confirm again? Would you do it now or wait till tomorrow? thanks!

Chase Amante's picture

When to Confirm

Author

Anon-

Usually it's better not to say you'll "text to confirm," because that makes it sound more tentative, and she may make other plans, assuming you'll cancel or flake. When you've said it though, you want to reply as soon as you can.

Just send her something like, "Hey Katie - workable if we move things up to 12:20 from 12:00 tomorrow? Just realized I don't escape from project meeting Friday until 11:50 AM - let me know if 12:20 PM tomorrow works okay!"

Chase

Christie's picture

Female reader


It was very interesting to read this on as the "converting new lover into casual relationship girl." Most girls get into a friends with benefits or booty call expecting it to turn into something more so heading all of this makes me wish I had read this sooner. Now I understand why my booty call or Fwb would text me everyday and tell me so much of his personal life without taking me anywhere. He doesn't even make a snack while I am over. He tells me things about his friends and family, but never introduces me to them, go for a movie together, coffee, nothing. It is a very weird situation. I know he doesn't see me as girlfriend material or he would want to see other than having sex. Once we went a month without having sex. We continued to text daily, but he never asked to hang out and do something together. Yet he tells me about his family issues and personal issues. This has been going on for over 6 months. And he knows I have feelings for him. At this point, if a guy has been talking to a girl consistently for 6 months, sexually attracted to her, confides in her, and basically act like they are in a relationship (without going out) why leave her as a booty call? Why not update her to girlfriend!

Zac's picture

Transition period


Hi,

I'm no Chase, but here's my thoughts.

At this point, he really likes you very much. Just like me, who have been in a similar situation, The problem with this is that he wants you to behave like a girlfriend before he knows that he can jump into a relationship with you. I done this before. I forgot to realize that a women has invested in me already.

He's in a transition period, where he is accessing.

Zac

Christie's picture

Why so long?


Thanks for responding! But what you said conflicts everything I have heard or read about men. I always hear that if a man sees you as girlfriend material he will waste no time in making you his girlfriend. I read if a man makes you his booty call, there is a reason why you are a booty call and not girlfriend. In my case he clearly told me in the beginning he didn't want a relationship, but in the same light, he also said there is always a chance things could progress but he is not making promises. We have gotten much closer since then, we are best friends, last night he told me about his mother's problems, we tell eachother everything. If he is "testing" me to see how I am as a girlfriend, shouldn't that include dates? We never see eachother unless we going to have sex. Maybe it's just me, but that doesn't sound a guy that likes a girl. And 6 months to test someone? Isn't that rather much?

Chase Amante's picture

Casual to Girlfriend

Author

Christie-

He sounds like he's either semi-good with women, or he's the type of guy who's good with women but really enjoys having an emotional bond even with his casual lovers.

If he's the first, he's usually in conflict, like what Zac mentions. He has this or that expectation about what he wants in a girlfriend, gets together with you, thinks he can do better than whatever you've got in whatever department it is he thinks he can do better in, so keeps you casual while he continues looking. At the same time, him having a casual partner also reduces his motivation to go on the prowl for newer girls, and he slowly has scarcity mentality start to set in. At that point, he'll begin to rationalize to himself more and more that actually you're a pretty good girl and the two of you have good chemistry and you've always been good to him and whatnot, and at some point the two of you are now boyfriend and girlfriend. From what I've seen with these kinds of guys, is does take a while though - usually anywhere from 5 to 15 months (because he keeps telling himself he's going to find someone even more amazing than you, he just needs a little bit longer - though at some point, he quits believing that and starts changing his tune).

If he's the second, on the other hand, the chance of him making you a girlfriend at some point are remote, UNLESS you're both close to the top of what he can get (in looks and personality/chemistry) and he's close to a settling down age late-20s to mid-30s for most guys - look at his friends (i.e., if they're all settling down, he'll start looking to settle down soon too). These guys only slow down when they hit that speed bump - you're near their top, and they're nearing "old age" for the wild young player variety. Before then, he really, genuinely enjoys women - lots of women. He enjoys talking to them, spending time around them, chatting with them. He also enjoys pulling their strings and being in control (which, if he's this kind of guy, is why he'll text you a lot - it lets him feel like he's continuing to supply you with the daily emotion boost you need to stick around).

If he is a Guy #2, these guys are very free with their emotions (they're just free in general... pretty cool people if you can get past their free-spirited nature meaning it's hard to get what you want from them relationship-wise), and they'll tend to confide in whomever's handy if they like the person.

The fact that he took a one-month break from seeing you / sex with you doesn't bode well for any kind of long-term relationship - he sounds like he probably falls into the Guy #2 category above. If he's taking that much time off, you're almost certainly not the only girl he's seeing - so, while you're having feelings for him and wondering why he doesn't upgrade you to girlfriend, there are two or three other girls feeling the same way and asking him the same question.

What it works out to is, when multiple women are asking you to upgrade them to girlfriend, but you're happy with things the way they are (and have the ability to replace them with relatively little effort if need be), there's not much reason to change.

Chase

ZacAdam's picture

He's in conflict,


Christie,

For a guy who is not good with women, and doesn't have other women chasing him, it makes sense for the guy to make a girl his girlfriend fast. But for your case, i would say he is good with women, at least, from what i read here.

There's a lot of things going on in your case here. There is a conflict of goals that is conflicting him. Can be he still wants to date other girls, he can't meet you at the moment for work related or financial reasons, friends influence, family like how he told you about his mother's problems. The list goes on. and it can everything altogether.

It is rather much for a guy to test a girl for 6 months, although this can be unconscious. 6 months to a year is good enough time for transitioning a girl into a girlfriend. I have tested a girl longer than that, and i am not proud of it. I didn't do it on purpose. Just that i love the girl, and i had problems, and i needed her, but then there's other girls that like me that much too, but she was the one i trusted.

Sometimes, you accidentally put people as a backburner, things happen.

Zac

Christie's picture

He used me


I felt what you were saying was true. I decided not to be so cynical of the situation and believe he may actually have feelings for me. I had sex with him again for the first time in a month. I thought everything went great, but he turned cold on me. I didn't hear from him in days. I confronted him about it and it appeared he didn't care. I told him, I'm tired of this instability and I don't want to hear from him again. And he alright. I couldn't believe how much I was played. I thought of the secrets and personal details he would tell me about his life and how he would confide in me, and now he is treating me like an annoying one night stand. It's very upsetting. Why would he be so conniving just to get in my pants?

Zac's picture

Did he at least talk to you the night after?


It's actually understandable a women will go into buyer's remorse when a guy doesn't reassure her emotions after a night of sex. A simple text the next day usually is appropriate.

I don't know how you come across towards him, You could have barrage him with questions about everything happen between you two, but then again, it's not really your fault for him not reassuring your emotions. Yikes..

Zac

Christie's picture

No call the next day


This is in his behavior to get distance after sex. He usually disappears for about a day and comes back. This time, he didn't contact me the following day and I assumed he was consumed with work as well to him usually not contacting me the day after. The day after that he didnt contact me until I contacted him. I told him he was immature and I don't like how he is treating me and all he said was okay. Then I told him, I'm done with all of this drama with him and i don't want to hear from him again and he simply responded okay. My blood is boiling. Our night together was more special than before, we held each other for sibling and talked for hours. We ended the night in a kiss after him dropping me off. I don't know if I was feeding off of your advice but I actually started to feel like "wow, I finally feel like his girlfriend". All of my insecurities dissipated. Even if Kate Upton stood next to me, I felt that confident in my relationship with him that night. We held hands, watched tv, laughed, talked, very "couply" Now he doesn't care about me anymore. I can't sleep, I feel so used. Like I was nothing this whole time. All just for sex. It hurts.

Zac's picture

You are right


Christie,

It hurts, i can agree. You come to him and barraging to him was just a testament that buyer's remorse should not be taken lightly. Anyway, Women will go away for awhile after a casual relationship. and sometimes they will come back. Perhaps the last sex was wanting to know if you good enough for him. Nevertheless, It's good to hear from a women perspective, and yes, it is never good to behave like a boyfriend when you casual.

Zac

Anonymous's picture

Converting booty call into relationship


Hey Chase,
First thanks for these articles, great advice and very helpful. I wanted to ask you about how to convert a booty call into a relationship. I have pretty decent experience with woman and I am currently in a booty call, sex only, relationship with this girl I met about a month ago. It's just a very odd situation, because in this case, she only wants sex but I want her to be my girlfriend (usually it's the other way around). She's the "girl that's more like a man" type, is very unromantic and cringes when I try to be. She's your typical, young Russian girl (20) with an attitude, very independent and thinks she only needs men for sex. Thing is, I am her first sexual relationship, she was a virgin before me. I am also older and way more experienced (25) and know that she probably doesn't even know what she wants. I try not to chase her too much but it's very hard when she gives me absolutely nothing to work with, last weekend she was booty calling me and this week she is being cold as ice, even turning down my booty call the other night. Definitely the hardest game I've ever had to pull.

I am curious as to what your opinion would be on this and if you have experience of know of a specific type of game to get her to want me more and possibly develop feelings for me eventually. I know that you once said that for us guys time is on our side, since eventually woman will develop feelings in this situation, but with her I am not entirely sure!

Much obliged,
Alex

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Converting booty call into relationship

Author

Alex-

This tends to happen naturally so long as 1) you're providing her with great sex and great experiences, and 2) you're clearly LESS interested in a relationship than she is. If either of these are missing though - if the sex and experiences aren't tight, and/or she can tell you're more interested in a relationship with her than she is with you - a relationship tends not to happen.

Here, it sounds like you've chased the relationship a bit, and she's picked up on it. The problem there is that the normal dynamic is "men chase sex, women chase relationships," and people tend to slate members of the opposite sex as "low quality" when they find them chasing the other. e.g., most men view women who chase sex as "sluts," while most women view men who chase relationships as "weak/needy."

The best thing you can do at this point is to stop chasing a relationship with her at ALL, and just focus on giving her such phenomenal sex while being so nonchalant around her and not caring if she comes or goes that she starts to feel like you provide the best thing she has access to in her life and that she has zero control over you. Only then does she start chasing the relationship.

Thing is, with a girl this dominant (it sounds like you're fairly experienced, and she's still calling the shots here), you must maintain this dynamic ever after... or she's going to get bored and start retreating from the relationship again. She must always be pursuing you, so long as you're together.

Anyway, there's more nuance to this, but that's the 30,000 foot view. This is a good topic, and I'll see if I can do a longer article on it.

Chase

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd>
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
  • HTML tags will be transformed to conform to HTML standards.
  • You may insert videos with [video:URL]

More information about formatting options

Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.