Emotions

To succeed as a seducer, you must take risks. But that isn’t always easy to do.

Tell me if this has ever happened to you:

You meet a girl, and she is absolutely beautiful, and she is warm and friendly and flirtatious, and you really want to make her yours… but anxiety crops up when you know it’s time to move forward by making a transition, asking her out, or getting physical with her.

This is a monumental roadblock that every guy, myself included, has ran into at some point in his life. And, if you’re an avid student of seduction like I am, you have probably had this happen a lot.

Even though the frustration you end up feeling after the fact is far less distressing than actually doing something with that beautiful, friendly girl and seeing your attempts fail, you instead do nothing (and probably end up watching her get swept off her feet by some other guy who was courageous enough to make things happen with her).

It’s crazy-making, and the more averse you get to taking risks, the more you get used to this feeling of watching opportunity walk right past your door, and the more you accept the feeling you have when you let those opportunities pass you by.

As you grow and mature, learning how to get better with women, some interesting things will happen to you as a man. Some things that seemed exciting begin to lose their thrill, while other new possibilities will pop up and prove themselves to be even more exhilarating than your earlier adventures.

Another thing that will happen, hopefully, is that your standards will raise for what kind of person you allow into your life. I'm not just talking about women, either: your standards will raise even for male friends and colleagues once you become more confident, find your voice, and begin to stand up for what you believe in.

As your standards increase, and you find yourself being more and more selective about whom you wish to join your reality, you will become more picky. As Chase has written on before, you may even stop dating party girls altogether - a move I wholeheartedly agree with. Sure, they're hot, and yeah, they're fun, but after a while you will begin to want more. You may want more stable relationships, with more grounded women, who can bring more to your life than a shiny new vagina.

And that brings me to the point of today's article. If you truly wish to create amazing relationships with the women in your life, picking up women is only part of the picture. In my opinion, it is equally important to learn how to avoid the types of women who would bring chaos and drama into your kingdom, crumbling your castle with a flick of her capricious wrist.

There's been some confusion on here recently, with readers noting some contrasts between my normal recommendations to guys, and what some of the other writers here report doing in some of their articles.

The biggest one is kissing girls in public - especially, kissing girls in bars, and kissing girls in clubs.

I gave somewhat of a blanket denouncement about ever kissing girls in public in "How to Kiss a Girl Like No One's Ever Kissed Her Before". If we want to be totally 100% technically correct, there are always exceptions, and this rule's one that - provided you meet certain requirements already - you can still get around.

Kissing a girl publicly is a tactic that can be powerful if used appropriately, but is devastating to your odds at getting a girl back somewhere alone with you for intimacy. In my strong opinion, it's much better to avoid this altogether, and simply maintain sexual tension, until you are home alone with a girl, and can quickly move from kissing to sex - the natural progression of things. Kissing is something that increases the randomness of your interactions, and polarizes them - it'll shift some women into overdrive, but will drive many more into auto-rejection or overprovides good feelings.

My general recommendation to guys that are learning is just "don't do this at all, unless you're pushing boundaries and really just want to see if you can do it and test yourself."

However... if you are suitably advanced, confident with women, and know what you are doing (e.g., not kissing for the sake of kissing, but kissing as part of a larger overall strategy)... you can indeed take the exception here, and not only not deflate sexual tension with a kiss, but actually amplify it.

So, to straighten out the signs seemingly pointing down divergent paths, and properly light up the way, let's peer into what the right way to use kissing in public is - and why most men use it all wrong.

A trend you see a lot in this field is that guys stumble on the material, dive into it, read all about it, get really excited about it, then... do absolutely nothing.

They don't get off their butts and go cold approach.

They don't start asking out more women on dates.

They don't even start cleaning up their looks and body language much.

Not all guys - there are plenty who set themselves to work with gusto transforming themselves into new versions of old them - but a pretty healthy clump of them.

And then there's the "how bad do you really want it?" problem that the guys who do apply themselves run into: they put a little energy into it... but not nearly enough to get themselves where they really want to get to (e.g., absolute abundance, or a steady stream of really sexy new girlfriends or casual relationships).

Because let's face it: whether you're talking about getting good with girls, or starting your own business, or learning a new skill that's going to up your asking price on the job market, or bettering your grades in school, or anything else that requires you to really sit down and start cranking away at something hard that takes time, most folks just aren't going to do it.

Yet, if you understand why you aren't doing something you really wish you would do, you may just be able to unlock the secret path to getting yourself there after all - and the gatekeeper at the portal to this path is a little phenomenon known as "effort aversion."

Almost one year ago, a commenter named Jo asked a question in "What Does She Want? The 8 Things You Must Ask Her" about stomach butterflies.

Here's what he had to say:

“I've heard many women say they get 'butterflies' around certain men, and that they feel 'nervous' around these guys. Somehow the thought of these guys makes these women's hearts 'flutter' and this seems to be something that (at least some) women want. I don't know if you've ever touched on this or not, but it'd be great to see an article that goes in to the social dynamics and psychology of the 'butterflies' phenomenon.

I haven't thought about this topic very deeply but off the top of my head and without any research I think the occurrence of 'butterflies' is a manifestation of one's anticipation of more good things to come. You don't know exactly what it will be but all you know (subconsciously) is...you want more! It occurs when you really like someone, and because they're unpredictable, you don't know exactly what's coming next. But you do know that usually whatever this person says or does is something that you find delightful and because of that you anticipate more good feelings...

So in the moments between good feelings you subconsciously anticipate experiencing more of them but you don't know exactly how they will manifest themselves, due to the unpredictability of the individual providing the good feelings. This seems to be something that drives some women crazy and they love it when it happens... It's all subconscious of course so they may not be able to tell you exactly WHY they like it so much.

So my question to you is, have you ever encountered this phenomenon of women getting butterflies around you? If so, how do you provide this feeling at will (i.e. what sorts of things a man can do to get women feeling butterflies and anticipation... and how can a man sense that what he's doing in this regard actually working?) It's one thing to try and pick up a girl, it's another thing to make them want to come back for more and more...and be out-of-control when around you...

Look forward to hearing from you...

Thanks.”

The "butterflies in her stomach" (or yours) phenomenon is a pretty common one to love, romance, seduction, and sex. It's a turn of phrase that's used to indicate the feeling of clenched anticipation for something desired one feels deep in one's gut; when she feels it, she's feeling nervous in all the right ways.

Giving girls exactly this feeling is one of the things I recommend you aim to do as much as you possibly can - that is, to give as many butterflies as you can, to as many of the women you meet as you can.

Of course, before you can do that, you've got to know what these butterflies are - and how they come about invading cute girls' stomachs in the first place.

Whether it’s the art of seduction, social prowess, travelling the world, starting a new business, or just picking up a new hobby, every man wants to be fearless. Every man wants to be able to take life by the horns, challenge his own hesitations, and take a step into making himself better.

But how do you do it? How do you overcome fear?

Not just with jobs, not just with your social life, but with everything?

Today I’m going to talk about being fearless. I’m going to show you that you can transform yourself into a person who pursues his goals with endless determination.

Let’s go.

The other day, on the article on men who seem to be naturally good with women, a reader wrote in to ask about emotion regulation in relationships, and annoyance at always having to be "the rock" for women he's dating and others when they vent emotionally, when meanwhile they begin distancing themselves or just decline to give support as soon as he turns the tables and he needs to vent.

Here's his comment:

“Is it recommended to keep your emotional problems/issues separate from seduction?

Some girls (that I've known for more than couple months) seemed to have been of the stock where if I ever talked about my personal emotional issues (like the deep shit that you become aware of as you gain emotional IQ/mastery) with them, they gave me a look like how dare I speak about myself more than they talked about themselves...that's not how it's supposed to go!! Men, including lovers are people too, and have emotional moments (maybe a overbearing boss or a horrible relationship with parents or frustration from not being able to start a business or whatever). What I really wanted was for them to provide me with the value (same empathy/support) that I provided them, but they didn't really seem to care all that much...(it was more of a fake care, but not a real genuine OMG I feel your pain). Obviously they couldn't (nor volunteered) to really help me out and provide me with advice (even when asked), just an awkward silence then they turned the conversation back on them.

Have you ever seen this? What are your thoughts? Do you advise to keep have a support system separate and apart from seduction, and to not clue women into what you're feeling?

I am clueless on this. But maybe it's not women. Thing is I've seen a similar thing from my family too. Growing up, they weren't really equipped to deal with my emotional needs. Perhaps I presented them wrong? Conversation is part presentation...anyways the result was that I just kept shit bottled up inside, becoming aloof and not even recognizing it until much later. Now I'm more of a fixer, but it's really good to have someone around that says "i understand how you feel...try this." Never had that, not even from family.”

I replied; the original commenter replied to my reply to further clarify; Franco, the moderator of our discussion boards, weighed in; and the original commenter returned once more to contribute to the discussion again. All-in-all, it turned into a pretty thoughtful conversation, though clearly from parties who were coming at the problem all from rather different angles.

So, the question raised, I wanted to dive into it much further: what's the right way to go about handling emotion regulation in your interpersonal relationships? Or, is there even a right way - is there an ideal path? Or simply different shades of gray?