Emotions

The effects emotions have on men and women, and how they can be a powerful tool in attraction and relationship building.

Why Aren't You Arousing the Women You Meet?


One of the most common questions that I hear from guys is:

“How do I make her want me?”

But there’s always more to this question. They go on...

“You know, like want me so bad that she just can’t wait to get back to my place and rip my clothes off and will even make plays to move the interaction forward herself! I see this happen with other guys from time to time, so I know it’s possible... How do you do that?”

arousing women

Although what you are doing is important, it’s usually the things that you either don’t do or just do incorrectly that end up being the miscreant that stalls things.

Later I’ll explain to you in detail how to not only turn a woman on, but more critically, how to do it smoothly so that you don’t make mistakes and disappoint her somewhere along the way.

But first, let me tell you why this is even more important than you think it is.

Is There Something About Girls You Just Don’t Get?


A reader named Will makes the following comment on our discussion boards about the “secret society”:

I really don’t understand this concept of a secret society. One that all women and successful seducers belong to. Any society that over 50% of the world’s population belongs to is not a secret. And I’ve been with younger, slightly (or more than) crazy girls who in no way seemed to understand much about social interactions before, during or after sex – you can find that a little too often with internet dating, but I think it kind of disproves this secret society idea.

don't get it

I myself don’t use the “secret society” term for the same reason; it’s an older pickup term a lot of guys do like, but for many guys outside the pickup world, it can confuse... and makes the whole concept sound planned-out (when it’s actually more an emergent phenomenon).

Personally, “secret society” was one turn-of-the-phrase that always makes my brain have to pause a minute. For whatever reason, at least for me, the term makes the concept it describes pretty unintuitive.

Alek has already explained the “secret society” concept in-depth in a 2013 article here: “Social Order, Sexual Restriction, and the Secret Society.”

Today, I’d like to talk a bit more about what’s going on in women’s heads when they meet a guy who “gets it” versus a guy who does not... and how they figure out who’s who.

Indecision is a Woman’s Prerogative (and She Likes It that Way)


Women are vexing creatures, aren’t they?

Men often find aspects of basic female nature completely perplexing. Women, for their part, often find many aspects of basic male nature an utter bore.

woman's prerogative

I talked about the multi-layered aspects of what women want before; today I’m going to talk about why exactly they make it so indecipherable what they want in any one moment for men (and frequently themselves).

Have you ever watched a man who is good with women? You’ll notice women do all kinds of womanly things around him that would make most men boil, while he just laughs.

How can such a man be so nonplussed around the madness that is woman?

We see men commenting on Girls Chase about this often. A guy comes on and rages about how women don’t make any sense and men shouldn’t have to change one lick for them. Shades of the good old fashioned “just be yourself and everything will work out fine” argument which took over popular thought sometime in the 20th century with its ineffectual pseudo-intellectual quips.

There is one element you see again and again that drives men to tear their hair out in patches though, and that’s this: women change their minds like monsoon season weather. One minute it’s pounding sheets of rain, and the next minute the sun’s out bright with nary a cloud in sight.

Most men do not understand this... while the men who are good with women just smile and laugh. “Girls are silly and cute,” such men say.

You may know this mentality is better intellectually, but perhaps you still find yourself bugged by women’s behavior emotionally. Happens to lots of guys.

With regard to the man irritated by women’s behavior, and the man at peace with it:

How can these two men have such totally different views on women – and what’s really going on in women’s heads that make them so darn flakey?

Is It More Helpful to be Naïve or Jaded About Dating?


Is it better to go into a situation with a woman knowing nothing at all (the hopeful-but-clueless guy), or is it better to know the negatives and the struggles but not have any of the answers (the bitter-and-cynical guy)?

The answer might surprise you, because whilst you would expect knowledge of negatives to act as a disincentive to getting used or short-changed, being naïve can provide incentives, like getting the benefit of the doubt and more opportunities. Does this mean it’s better being naïve than jaded?

Put differently, is it better to know the downfalls and potentially avoid them, or to be given more opportunities yet possibly not take advantage of them?

naïve or jaded

Now here’s the answer:

It is a trick question, because in both scenarios the man cannot take opportunities or put women on their best behavior... meaning the results will always be that you have less opportunities and less respect than is ideal, whether you are naïve or you are jaded.

Sucks right?

Especially since with naïve or jaded, these are the two places we often start as men.

Starting Quick but Getting Stuck? Here’s Why


If you are a technically oriented kind of guy who wants to succeed as fast as possible, here are a few tips on how to avoid getting stuck in a dead-end. Taking things slow and gaining wisdom can sound great in theory, but what if learning slow just agitates you too much and you can’t learn that way? Does it mean you are broken or need to learn another way of thinking and feeling?

Know Thyself: Context, Certainty, and Projection


The Ancient Greek philosophers had it figured out two and a half thousand years ago: you should know yourself. But fast forward to today and there’s no shortage of modern men who know nothing about themselves. These men are not going after what they want, because they don’t know their own desires. They suffer from self-perceptions that are stunted or warped, and they can’t be sure of themselves. Perhaps worst of all, men without self-knowledge question and doubt themselves – especially when they fail with women.

know-thyself-2

In Part 1, I showed how failing to know yourself will hold back your progress with women. In this article, I’ll talk about some strategies for learning about yourself. But more importantly, I’ll explain the principles behind the pursuit of self-knowledge. Once you understand these, you’ll be able to advance your self-knowledge, explore and strengthen your character, and, ultimately, triumph with women.

Modern Marriage, Part 4: When Marriage Doesn’t Match Expectations


Gentlemen, welcome back.

Today in Part 4 we are going to take a look at:

  1. What can happen when marriage doesn’t meet your expectations,

  2. What (if anything) you can and should do about it when this happens, and,

  3. A couple of things you should never do.

Because, as we found out in Part 2, let’s face it: no marriages meet all of the expectations that are set for them.

marriage-expectations

The percentage of Americans who divorce has been above 40 percent even since 1970s. There are a lot of reasons that that number is what it is. Unarguably though, is the notion that the inability to reconcile differences is what eventually makes things come to a head and is why we divorce.

Is infidelity the reason you got divorced? Roundabout, perhaps, yes. But it was really more because a reconciliation couldn’t be reached.

How about a financial crisis? Can two people just become so poor that some crazy law says they have to get a divorce? No, it’s because they can’t agree on how to repair the problem (or they just don’t).

Your marriage is never going to be as fruitful and perfect as you think it will be, and you’re going to deal with a whole slew of life problems that affect one or the both of you. It’s not the problems themselves that cause divorce to happen, it’s the people not being able to deal with them that is the biggest issue.

So what exactly happens when you end up in an unfulfilling, dead-as-nails marriage that suffers from one (or a multitude!) of the more serious relationship-downers that we discovered in Part 3?

I found that when my marriage was getting to the point where it had seen better days that the toughest thing I had to deal with by far was the shift in the balance of power that occurred when I actually started to sense things beginning to go haywire in the first place, and started scrambling to make things “right” again.

How to Develop True Self-Control as a Man


I couldn’t wait to get my driver’s license when I was 16, and before my 17th birthday I got my dream job as pizza delivery boy. On my second night of work in Mississauga, Ontario (a suburb of Toronto), I got fired.

I went to an address with a pizza. As I approached the door, I could hear the pounding bass and the hoots and hollers of the people inside. I knocked on the door, and when it opened, a bunch of happy young people burst out practically on top of me, followed closely by thick wafts of tobacco and weed.

A cute girl about 3 years my senior (19 – LOL) tried to pass me a beer over the shoulder of the dude who was facing me and counting the money for the extra large… It was cold outside, so I suggested they let me step inside while they figured out the money and I could drink the beer (Canada and the USA have some of the most draconian public drinking laws imaginable and, ironically but not surprisingly, a huge problem with public drinking).

self-control

Someone passed me a joint. I found myself on a couch with a beer in one hand, a slice of pizza in the other, and the cute 19 year old on my knee giving me a “supertoke”. One thing led to another, and I was shocked and appalled to see how angry my boss was the next night when I went back to the pizza parlour asking if I could work again. I was fired on the spot. Logically I understood why, but I still resented it; why couldn’t I have fun AND have a job I love? Does life always have to be a tradeoff between doing what’s best for you and doing what you love to do?

As I get older, I’ve started to become more aware of the value of self-control.

Self-control is simply the ability to resist urges when it’s profitable for you to do so. It is the strength to put all things into priority and context. It would have taken only slightly more player skill to look at the host and the 19 year old girl and everyone else in that party in the eyes and tell them that I WOULD be back in 2 hours as soon as my shift was done, and if they would save me some booze and weed I would bring more pizza. How hard is that? I was already in with them. It was difficult because I had no self-control, no sense of timing, and no healthy view of context.

According to Napoleon Hill, author of the Think and Grow Rich, men learn self-control in one of two ways:

  1. Their sex drive diminishes, usually with age but sometimes prematurely due to bad health or injury

  2. They learn to sublimate their sex drive to higher thinking and purpose

Hill wasn’t talking about abstinence, he was talking about the correct sequence of profitable action. In a nutshell, if you’re feeling “frisky”, Hill wants you to do productive work FIRST, before turning to the opposite sex. Consistently doing so, Hill says, means your results in all areas of life will skyrocket.

Underlying my desire to risk my job to be close to a woman was an extremely high sex drive. Well into my 40s now, I find it challenging to go a full 24 hours without an orgasm and ejaculation at least once a day. It was 3, 4, even 5 times a day, for DECADES.

Don’t get me wrong – I was as unsuccessful with women as they come back when I was 16, but I was also very much a “natural”, something I did not fully appreciate about myself until well into my 30s.

Being Present in a Seduction: the Dream of the Road


It is late at night, your hands wrap around the wheel, the car eases out onto an endless stretch of highway. The road hums beneath you. Your breath is slow... In... And out... Your eyes are clear and steady as things come and go. You tune out the need to "get where you are going" and you just drive.

dream-of-the-road

Life in that moment is just a sequence of breaths and subtle adjustments, and you never feel out of place or "off the mark". Your mind extends out into the horizon, and you lie in wait, perfectly ready.

Sometimes when we talk about women we get too focused on what is supposed to be happening that we forget how good it feels to not have to do a thing and just remain on target.

Fear Can Teach You but He Cannot Protect You


The other day I was sitting in the car with my mom, discussing a recent traumatic experience and its effects on my psyche. At some point in the conversation, I lost my calm and hit the car door in my rage. I immediately recognized my mistake and soothed my mind with some quick meditation. After swallowing my chill pill, we discussed my life-long struggle with aversion.

She conjured many anecdotes of my angst, whether it was yelling at kids over Xbox Live or getting 2nd place in a Tae Kwon Do tournament. Of all destructive emotions, anger is my closest and most poisonous friend.

fear

To rid myself of this friend, we then brainstormed the cause of my anger and my mother proposed a theory, saying to me, “Hector, anger is a sign that you’re afraid. Animals only lash out in anger when they’re afraid of something....”

As my mind reeled, she followed with a question, “Hector, what are you afraid of?”

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