Emotions

The effects emotions have on men and women, and how they can be a powerful tool in attraction and relationship building.

She Always Needs to Think You’re in Control


That sounds like a power-mad, insecure, control-freak title for an article, doesn’t it?

“She always needs to think you’re in control.”

Pretty outdated, right?

Especially in a world in which more men consider ‘masculinity’ a bad thing than a good thing:

you're in control

In truth, we get plenty of guys who stumble upon Girls Chase articles (and mine in particular) who object to just this advice:

  • “Why does the guy have to do everything?”
  • “Why do I have to be in control?”
  • “Why can’t women just take the lead sometimes?”

But this article isn’t so much about WHY you must lead, nor much about HOW to lead.

If you want to know more about that subject, check these articles out:

Rather, this article is about keeping up appearances, and not giving a girl the impression that the guy she’s with is floating along, doesn’t have a clue, or is abdicating leadership of the courtship... whether to her, to Mother Nature, or to fate, luck, hope, or chance.

She always needs to think you are in control.

Because if she doesn’t, she ain’t hanging around.

Tactics Tuesday: Pace Her Reality (& Guide Her Emotions)


You’re with a group of three girls you’ve just met at a nightclub, and you’ve really hit it off with one of the girls, this girl Ava. She’s cute, perky, and a whole lot of fun.

pace her reality

Suddenly, you’re yanked out of an engrossed conversation with Ava by a fracas nearby; one of the other girls in the group, Miria, is shouting at one of the nightclub’s bouncers.

First the other friend jumps in.

Then your girl, Ava, jumps in too.

You hang on the sidelines, unsure what to do.

You could feel it’d been going pretty well with Ava, and you thought you stood a pretty solid chance to pull her home tonight.

The argument between the girls and the bouncer end, with the bouncer telling Ava and the other friend that they need to keep Miria on a leash or he’s going to boot them out.

Ava and the two girls debate among each other, emotionally fraught. Finally, Ava turns back to you and says, “Sorry, I think we’re just going to leave.”

“It’s okay, I understand,” you say calmly. You aren’t sure exactly how to react, but you decide to play it cool and do your best to look unfazed. “Let’s trade cells so we can connect later on.”

“I’m really not in trading-numbers mood right now,” she says, “Sorry. I just want to go home.”

Then, she turns away, and her and her two friends take off.

Them’s the shakes, right?

Could it have gone any differently?

It could have – had you paced her reality, instead of freezing in the headlights.

3 Kinds of Men (and How to Care More No Matter Which You Are)


There are, in romance, three kinds of men.

And before any of these three kinds of men is truly free to care about the women in his life and the others around him, he must make an inner journey that forces him to face his demons and let go of his fears of where these lead.

We all, in our own ways, search for a kind of absolution.

When we are young we expect that to come in the form of young love. Movies overwhelmingly portray it as “the happiest ending possible”, so why not? Some choose that path and succeed, some choose it and feel inadequate for doing so, and some choose to walk away from it (as I did).

But the complexities do not end there, and the human condition is fraught with astounding complexity and specificity for each and every one of us. Our lives are all set to a very unique mould, and no two are exactly alike. However, there are some things that are unilateral in their own quirky ways and I hope to share a few tips about life.

kinds of men

In my next article after this one I will describe two paths: one of the guy who chooses teen love, the other who doesn’t and walks another path. However, in this article I’m going to start by shortly describing another path and then afterwards share some techniques it uncovers.

When Talking to Girls, Make the Boring Exciting


There was a quite wonderful article in the New York Times the other day about the use of storytelling and narratives.

In the piece, “What Happens When Baseball-Stats Nerds Run a Pro Team?”, the authors reveal their discovery that simply conveying bare factual information ultimately proved less inspiring – despite its accuracy – and that when they began to spin a narrative around the reasons for their actions, players took this more to heart, put their emotions into the game, and started winning.

There’s a great parallel here with talking to girls, too: because if all you’re doing is conveying facts, you’ll struggle to get buy-in, pleasure, excitement, and attention... even if your facts are the best facts in the business.

As you know all too well if you read this site regularly, emotions are a woman’s bread and butter: she doesn’t want to know your details.

She wants to feel something. Facts don’t do this for her. Stories do.

talking to girls

If you can make her feel those up and down emotions, that thrill, and that excitement, she is as good as yours.

3 Keys to Winner Mentality: Prediction, Confidence, and Harmony


winner mentality

What are the differences between how a beneficial, robust mental model works, versus how robust-yet-harmful mental models (like victim mentality) or non-robust mental models yet clung-to models work?

I’ve been analyzing mental models a lot recently. In particular, how people can have extremely different, yet robust or at least unyielding mental models, and how each different kind of mental model produces different kinds of results.

For instance:

  • Victim mentality is actually an extremely robust mental model. Individuals who view themselves as victims – and such individuals are extremely common across societies, of every sex, race, age, and creed – continually find reason to view themselves as the recipients of misfortune, find justification for their models, and receive feedback from the world that reinforces rather than disabuses them of their models

  • Conversely, what I’d call winner, or success-driven, individuals also have extremely robust mental models. Individuals who view themselves as successes tend to be quite good at finding ways to pull victory out of defeat, at avoiding situations where they would suffer setbacks, and don’t spend much time dwelling on setbacks, other than from a problem-solving mentality. As a result, they spend little time in defeat and quickly dust themselves off even after most reasonably catastrophic failures

But it’s not just someone’s victim/winner orientation. It’s also the reliability of his predictions.

For instance, someone who sees himself as a victim has confidence in his mental model because his predictions are either correct, or he explains them away if they aren’t. He sees a pretty girl and says, “Well, she’ll reject me, of course,” and if he approaches and she does reject him, he says, “See? I knew it. Women always reject me.” If instead she’s friendly, he’ll be inclined to explain it away: “She must’ve been drunk” or “She doesn’t really like me... she was probably just being polite.”

Both victims and winners make predictions and their predictions either come true, or they attempt to explain to themselves (and others) why in this case the prediction failed, yet the failure does not violate their mental model overall. This makes these models robust.

Obviously, if they receive enough feedback to crash the model, they’ll be forced to reassess. But most people adopt models that seem to justify their experiences, and avoid experiences that may invalidate their models.

However, prediction is only the surface here – largely because it doesn’t give us a way to qualify the differences between different mental models (like victim and winner mentalities). So we need to add two more pieces.

I propose any robust, success-oriented mental model is comprised of three (3) bits:

  • Predictive accuracy,
  • Confidence in the model, and
  • Harmonious choices and outcomes

The Right Way to Use Defiance to Make Progress with Girls


defiance

If you’re reading a site like Girls Chase, there’s a fairly good chance you’re a rather defiant, rebellious, countercultural individual to some extent:

  • You’ve got the whole of mainstream dating advice telling you to ‘just be yourself’ and wish upon a star and the right girl will come along if you just wait long enough, and any girl who doesn’t like you, well, that’s her problem, because you’re perfect as-is.

  • You’ve got legions of nice guys out there swamping the radio with the tragic tales of the women who’ve cheated on them and broken their hearts, and drowning the theaters and television stations with romantic comedies that depict them losing women again and again to the bad boy until finally, one day, the girl realizes she’s tired of hooking up with sexy bad boys and wants someone who isn’t going to break her heart for the long-term, and there’s Mr. Nice Guy, ready to sweep up the pieces of her broken heart and try to heal and fix her with marriage.

  • You’ve got women themselves telling you they don’t even like all those sexy guys they have sex with, and you should just stay the way they are and don’t change one bit. Don’t worry, someday when she’s done with the bad boys, you may yet get your shot with her.

  • You’ve got the downers, who want you to know it’s impossible to get girls if you don’t have movie star looks, investment banker income, basketball player height, and the right racial background.

  • You’ve even got books like The Game telling you you just need to memorize a few tricks, learn a few routines, and then basically repeat this script with every girl, and the flood gates will open up.

Yet, somehow, you’ve ended up here, studying the nuances of various tactics, fundamentals, and abilities, and coming at doing better with women in a systematic, skill-based way, where you mix experimentation and good old fashioned elbow grease to achieve the results you desire with women (whatever those results may be).

It’s pretty obvious you’re a defiant personality type... or at the very least, you’ve stumbled in here and are feeling defiance toward many of those other people and sources of information telling you to do things this way or that.

That brings me to today’s cautionary tale: be careful whom you’re defying.

Because defiance, improperly aimed, can be as big a handicap as it can a helper.

Quit Procrastinating and Go Meet a Bunch of Girls This Week


procrastination

“What are you WAITING for!?”

The question runs through almost all the advice I mete out on seduction. Big part of the advice I see other guys give, too.

A student from a coaching session stands around, hesitating to approach.

“What are you waiting for!?”

A lover complains about how she’s unable to live her dream of being a professional dancer.

“What are you waiting for!?”

A friend is hung up on a single girl, and unwilling to move on with his life.

“What are you waiting for!?”

People sure spend a lot of time waiting.

You could grow old waiting for most people to finish waiting. Or you could even meet a girl, sleep with her, and have an entire wonderful relationship with her during the same time other men spend looking for the “right moment” to chat with that girl from work or class or wherever she’s from.

But, you know – “What are you waiting for!?” – if you can internalize this utterly electric anti-procrastination attitude, you will be 90% of the way to becoming the man you know you really can be.

If only you stopped putting everything off till tomorrow though, or got up on time, or got that job... then you’d be ready to buckle down and really get to work... right?

Wrong.

How to Not be Needy: Small Scarcity & Big Scarcity


not be needy

The other day, one of the advanced members of our Girls Chase forums asked me about how you root out scarcity in all its forms, and how to resist the sometimes overpowering urge to give into it.

Scarcity can spring naturally from the situations you find yourself in, but it may also be engineered: individuals (and organizations) who understand the value of scarcity can also use it to make themselves more in-demand and attract higher value friends, mates, and associates. It’s all around us, pervades what we do, and we use it on each other, intentionally or inadvertently, non-stop. As you become an increasingly valuable individual socially, there will be more and more people who feel scarcity interacting with you (or trying to), and usually there will still always be someone or something you yourself continue to feel it with or for.

Scarcity takes many forms:

  • You meet a girl who’s super hot and perfect for you and you can’t help feeling nervous around her and acting different around her

  • You reach a point in a relationship where you find yourself going back and forth over whether staying with this girl is what you really want, but feeling unsure whether you’re ready to give her up

  • You reach a point in a relationship where your girlfriend is clearly going back and forth over whether staying with you is clearly what she really wants, and it makes you feel helpless

  • You find yourself working a job that’s pretty good, but not perfect, and while some part of you wants to leave, another part isn’t sure if other jobs are necessarily better... and you may be safer just staying right where you are

  • You find yourself talking with a salesman who seems to be offering something you might be interested in, but he’s pushing you for a decision now and you’re not sure whether to take the plunge or beg off

In any of these scenarios and a whole lot more, scarcity, in one of its many forms, snakes its way into your heart and tightens its grip around your psyche.

Possibly on its own; possibly due to the machinations of those around you.

Sometimes you may fight free from scarcity, yet some of the time it gets you. And sometimes the end result is okay and you get the thing you felt needy toward and the thing turns out to be worthwhile, while other times you realize sooner or later you settled for something less than what you could’ve had... had you been a little braver. Or you tripped over your own two feet in your attempt to secure it, and chucked yourself out of the running in the process.

How do you combat the creeping feeling of neediness you get whenever you wind up in a truly scarce position, and instead remain calm, measured, and effective?

Nobody Owes You Nothin’


nobody owes you nothingIn a comment on my article “In Seduction, “You” Don’t Matter (But Her Emotions Do)”, a commenter who dubs himself ‘Enlightened’ left the following remark:

This article seems to suggest that women care more about what you can do for them and how those actions make them feel vs what they can do for you. It’s very much important about what they deduce they can get if they stick around with you. Is this correct? If so, how does this sentiment vary by country and across the world? If this is correct, then why should men pursue women at all when ultimately all he is to a woman is a talking dildo?

Now, in case you haven’t read this article or skimmed over the part Enlightened is referring to, my point was twofold – that:

  1. When people meet someone new, they evaluate him on value and attainability – essentially, how valuable does this new person appear to be, and how accessible is that value of his?

  2. Once someone has spent a longer period of time with another individual (say, perhaps, 80 to 100 hours?), he begins to form a real attachment to this person, and begins to want the best for him, care for him, and deeply understand and empathize with him – however, this connection is only formed with time; it is not instantaneous

Enlightened may have missed that latter part and only zeroed in on the part that raised his ire, so he may not necessarily be guilty of the following mindset. However, I have noticed there is a distinct minority of men who stumble onto this site (supposedly stumbling in here from places like Reddit, or some manner of MGTOW websites and forums) who think point #1 is totally unreasonable in all circumstances – at least, for other people.

They still judge others by the value they present to their lives, and how attainable those others are. However, they believe they themselves should be exempted from this.

That they are special, and entitled to special breaks from the rules they expect of others.

Mindsets like this are a product of a world replete with advertising and feel-good messages designed to make you feel like you deserve honor, respect, and everything your heart desires, merely for breathing. I rarely if ever encounter this mentality outside the West. However, it’s ubiquitous among the more radical elements of Western feminists, men’s rights advocates, and ‘men going their own way’.

In this post, I challenge you to break free from slavery to the mindset TV commercials, magazine ads, and now even much (most?) of the Western education system do their darnedest to instill in you, and to instead adopt the manliest, most liberating, most self-reliant mindset there is on Planet Earth:

Nobody owes you nothin’.

In Seduction, “You” Don’t Matter (But Her Emotions Do)


her emotions matterIn a comment on my article about unclear value to a long-term girlfriend, a reader named Xander remarked as follows:

Can you believe that because of this I can never get a girl. I’m good looking guy, and I’ve been successful on college. I don’t write this because I think look and post bachelor title will get me girls, but because I try to seduce them, and because of this qualities they don’t like me. I’m not arrogant and have a lot of male friends. But girls don’t like me, and wouldn’t go on date with me to save their lives. Problem is that girls with lower ambitions wouldn’t go with be because of attainability, and girls who are a bit ambitious also don’t want, because they want someone less ambitious who they control and feel dominant around him. The biggest problem is my success at college, and my normal ambition to be good at my job and further education. So I can’t be their boyfriend because I equally want to provide me and them, or their lover because girls here clever guys treat like they don’t have a cock. Global crisis hit us and a lot of girls are in found provider mode, and they are too picky and only wants to date man who is completely same as they in all possible things. And as you know it’s impossible, they find one provider and eventually marry him. I realized that being good at science is one way ticket to auto-rejection.

Reading your article I realized that in all world women want compatible man, but here it is more than dramatic. Those are modern times and I think that women should be more flexible.

My problem is because I tried everything I could and did’t get results because of their ego. I know I shouldn’t but I started to really hate women because of their ego who is bigger than Mount Everest.

At one point I gave up from seduction, but this article tells me that maybe there is a chance. Please tell me Chase are there more things I can do or change so I could get better results? If you know some psychological books that treat problems about ego please tell me. Is there something in seduction I should focus more? I focused on social calibration and got a lot of male friends, but women still don’t like me because maybe I’m not calibrated enough, and for sure because they don’t like anyone who has evan a little bit value than they. Every answers, comments and critics are welcome.

While long-term value is definitely an important part of whether a woman is willing to stick around in a long-term relationship with you, its effect on actually lining up dates with women and getting them into bed is... murkier. That’s because it’s quite hard to sniff out your real, actual long-term value from a mere five or ten minutes of conversation.

So, while it might sound like Xander’s problem is the opposite that discussed in this article, where we talked about men who say women don’t want them because they aren’t valuable enough, in many ways it is in fact the same problem:

The man is focused on himself, the man... instead of on her, the woman.

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