Confidence

It can be tough to start dating again once you’ve been away from the game. To do it, check your ego, switch off the porn, go out with an excited wing, and you’ll be set.

In the last year, I’ve taken a hiatus from writing for Girls Chase, but the reason I’ve done that is because I haven’t been doing much dating.

I’ve been focusing on other areas of my life and have let my dating life atrophy.

Now I am getting back into the swing of things and I have noticed some friction points that are keeping me from being successful with women. So I am going to write this post about how to get back into the flow of dating, what to expect, and how to deal with internal resistance.

Hey there! Varoon Rajah here. Welcome to the next installment of the Dating Mechanics Podcast.

Tactics are majorly useful to your progress with girls… If you use them right. But use tactics in pursuit of the wrong strategy and you’ll hobble yourself.

I’m going to break slightly from Tactics Tuesdays tradition today to talk about how to learn tactics rather than give you a specific new tactic. To do this, I want to start with a particular hardcase example from our forums, a kissless 27-year-old virgin named Nexus.

Nexus wants to get better with girls... Yet his approach to dating makes this next to impossible. His chief problem is, as we'll identify today, a purely tactical approach to dating, rather than a strategic one.

We’ve discussed the difference between tactics and strategy before, in the context of relationship difficulties.

Today, we’ll talk about tactical vs. strategic learning as you seek to get dates, get kisses, and get laid.

Women are supposed to like money. So why don’t nice cars, jobs, and apartments always get men laid?

In June 2006, I graduated university and took a job. I had an important-sounding job at a prestigious corporation. Everyone knew the name of this company, and everyone knew it was a great company. At the time, I had a less nuanced notion of status more than I do now, and I figured my great job for a high status corporation would net me major points on the dating scene. After five months of grinding it out in college town nightclubs three or four nights a week as just another student trying to pick up girls, now, at last, I had the magic pass: I was a high prestige, high status, money-making machine!

My first month in my new town of Washington, D.C., I made sure every girl I met found out where I worked and what I did. I did it in a smooth way; I wasn’t socially awkward about it. I made sure the girl asked me first where I worked, before I said anything. Most seemed impressed; I’d often get raised eyebrows and a pleasant, “Oh!” And when, after a few weeks, I received my business cards, I felt confident I was about to become unstoppable with girls. I often took to handing these out to women after I’d made a great first impression, confident they’d fast get back in touch.

Yet within a month, I’d stashed my business cards away in the corner of a cabinet somewhere; not a single girl I’d given a card to had texted or called (and I’d given out a lot of cards). I quit mentioning my company or position to girls altogether. But I hadn’t learned my lesson quite yet. A year-and-a-half later, I went down the same status symbol road with my sleek Mercedes-Benz, and ended up at the same destination: after a month or so of showing it off, I soon shelved “the Mercedes approach” and began to hide my car from girls instead.

The reason why was the same both times: when women found out I had a good job, or a nice car, they didn’t put out. Dates were more awkward; sex would not happen. Sexual vibes were almost impossible to create.

These status symbols, impressed as my friends and coworkers were, worked against me with women.

That’s the paradox: make more money, buy more expensive things, and... get laid less.

But why should this be, when everything you see on TV, the commercials, and the movies says it’s supposed to work completely opposite to this?

Gay bars are wonderful places to meet girls. But more than this, they teach you about women’s true nature – and sexuality.

Reading Hector’s fantastic piece on why women like homoerotic men, I must say that I agree with his points. I found his theory on how bi-sexual and homoerotic men can come across as more dominant very interesting.

I am personally not that bi-curious. That said, I am very comfortable with physical contact; I don’t mind if a gay guy touches me, even on intimate areas. It is “just touching,” after all. Some women find homoerotism hot – but not all. However, every woman does find men who are comfortable with their sexuality hot. If a man is comfortable with a dude touching him, one can easily conclude that he is not only a very sexual guy, but also very confident.

It also displays that one does not have stuck-up beliefs related to sex and that one is most likely not homophobic (women find homophobia very unsexy). It conveys non-judgmental attitudes in regards to sex, which helps women allow themselves to open up sexually to you.

So I decided to write a follow up with my own thoughts on this topic. Since 2011, after doing a sociology assessment with a lesbian girl in senior high school regarding the gay-environment, I have not only been fascinated by gay clubs, but I have also become a regular in them. There are a few reasons for this:

• Many gay clubs have a better women/men ratio than straight clubs

• Hotter women

• More sexual vibe

• Less bullshit (less “bitchshield”) – women have their guards down

Based on all this, gay clubs can seem like a paradise... but there are some downsides, too:

• They can sometimes become sausage fests (for obvious reasons)

• Gay guys can be serious cockblocks – directly messing things up for you (especially if they are into you)

• Gay guys can oftentimes be ultra annoying – i.e., constantly popping up and wanting to drink/dance with your girl while you’re trying to seduce

• Gay clubs can be chaotic

• You never get “freebies” (as in ovulating horny girls); those usually go to places they are most likely to meet someone (not gay clubs) – in other words, in gay clubs, it is all about skills

• You need to pass the “are you gay” test all the time – and believe me, women will test you hard on this one

• You need to have a good response to the “why are you in a gay bar” question

But apart from all this, I find gay clubs interesting. The vibe is uniquely good and sexual in very intriguing way.

I can write many guides on meeting women in gay bars/clubs if so desired (let me know in the comments section).

I think it is pretty niche. However, there are valuable lessons I learned in gay bars that helped me tremendously in becoming better in all venues.

If you want to know what her type is (so you may more easily date her), you’ll have to ask her a few questions, first.

“What’s her type?”

I have mixed views on the question.

In one way, you need to figure out her fantasy and then become that. You need to adapt to specific women. If she’s a fit snow bunny, it would behoove you to have spent some time at the gym (which is probably where you’d meet her anyways); also, maybe have a few tattoos, be a bit over-the-top with your masculinity, and a bit aloof.

At the same time, you can’t be every girl’s type. Even if you want to be the Übermensch of seduction, you can’t be everything at once.

But I think I’ve come up with a solution. There are three parts to this.

1. Figure out her type

2. Understand the difference between tokens and types

3. Decide how far you want to go

You don’t need to go out for long outings, or make meeting women super hard. All you need to improve is a mere 30 minutes a day – every day.

For those of you who seek to truly master your skills with women and reap the benefits of those skills, how often do you go out?

Do you go out a couple days a week, once a week, once a month?

I used to slack off at times. There was a time I only had the willpower to go out and take one major blowout before calling it quits and going home for a while.

It is hard to be consistent, especially when you are new at this and you have to combat years of social conditioning telling you it’s a bad thing – or painful – to talk to strangers.

Back when I first started in the sector of learned success with women, I would only go out a few days a week, and progress was slow, if non-existent. With my mistakes so far spread out, it was hard to see patterns and make meaningful corrections. But what could I do? Go out every day? That would be insane, I thought.