Confidence | Girls Chase

Confidence

How confidence affects results with women, and how to get your confidence, boldness, and "inner game" tightened up and running smoothly.

What is Her Type? Deconstruct Her, and Find Out

what's her type?
If you want to know what her type is (so you may more easily date her), you’ll have to ask her a few questions, first.

“What’s her type?”

I have mixed views on the question.

In one way, you need to figure out her fantasy and then become that. You need to adapt to specific women. If she’s a fit snow bunny, it would behoove you to have spent some time at the gym (which is probably where you’d meet her anyways); also, maybe have a few tattoos, be a bit over-the-top with your masculinity, and a bit aloof.

At the same time, you can’t be every girl’s type. Even if you want to be the Übermensch of seduction, you can’t be everything at once.

But I think I’ve come up with a solution. There are three parts to this.

  1. Figure out her type

  2. Understand the difference between tokens and types

  3. Decide how far you want to go

Get Good with Girls in Just 30 Minutes a Day

get good with girls
You don’t need to go out for long outings, or make meeting women super hard. All you need to improve is a mere 30 minutes a day – every day.

For those of you who seek to truly master your skills with women and reap the benefits of those skills, how often do you go out?

Do you go out a couple days a week, once a week, once a month?

I used to slack off at times. There was a time I only had the willpower to go out and take one major blowout before calling it quits and going home for a while.

It is hard to be consistent, especially when you are new at this and you have to combat years of social conditioning telling you it’s a bad thing – or painful – to talk to strangers.

Back when I first started in the sector of learned success with women, I would only go out a few days a week, and progress was slow, if non-existent. With my mistakes so far spread out, it was hard to see patterns and make meaningful corrections. But what could I do? Go out every day? That would be insane, I thought.

Be the Lightbringer: Dating and the Sublime Benefits of Positivity

dating positivity
Jadedness and cynicism can go hand-in-hand with the playboy lifestyle. But they don’t need to; it’s more effective to bring light.

Sometimes I encounter a funny problem with guys.

Their fundamentals are in good shape. They have reams of passive value and are all around attractive men, if you go by appearances.

And they’re great on the technical / social aspect of meeting women. Their game is tight, they move confidently through the seduction process, and they have great technique.

Yet they have this nagging issue where they consistently fail to get results they want.

Maybe they get laid, but not with the girls they want. Or they get the girls they want, but they won’t hang around. Or maybe they do everything right, they think, but women reject them far too much.

It’s bizarre, because everything looks good on paper with the guy. But he just isn’t doing all that great.

Then you get to know the guy a bit better and you figure it out: oh. He’s negative.

It’s just a little mindset difference. Negative vs. positive. Wouldn’t think it’d have much impact on your dating success, right? But it does – it has a large influence.

Today we’re going to examine why.

Book Review: Talent is Overrated by Geoff Colvin

talent is overrated
Are you born talented, or do you learn it? Varoon reviews the book… plus why some men succeed as others flounder.

Throughout the history of the Girls Chase boards, I and some others have noticed two kinds of people who post:

  • Guys who ask few specific questions but are desperate to become perfect in dating right away, hoping to get from A to Z – right away, right now. They fixate on acquiring all the information ASAP to “beat the final boss” in the dating game, yet they never seem to post reports or focus on specific areas they need help with. They don’t want to play the game and learn it themselves over time, as all woman-experienced men have done. Over a period of months, they ask the same questions over and over without ever field testing advice given by guys with experience. Typically they get frustrated over their lack of results... and quit.

  • Guys who put forth specific situations and ask very specific questions, then listen to and immediately follow the advice they get. These guys have accepted and evaluated their current strengths and weaknesses, and they know exactly where they need to grow. These guys are asking lots of questions that are very pointed to specific areas needing improvement, and after they learn something new, they go field test it, over and over until they get it right. These guys have field reports popping up repeatedly with new questions or new skills. They post frequently but also demonstrate improving results.

I’ve always noticed that those men who’ve grown steadfastly and quickly tend to be the second type of guy. And in addition to the big pushes from Chase and others to go and practice rather than simply reading GC and learning, I discovered that I and those men have grown more through focused effort. In effect, we were training our behavior through live practice and feedback from the women around us.

Then I started reading Talent is Overrated by Geoff Colvin. This book argues that no human being is inherently talented; instead, we become extraordinary only through focused and deliberate effort. Everything clicked.

We’ve talked about this before in How to Master Anything. One of the tools that will get you the best, most consistent results in the long term in ANY field or exercise – including the art of attracting women – is deliberate practice.

Will Women Date You If You Have a Small Penis?

small penis
What do you do if you have a small penis? Does size actually matter to women? See what the science says… And how to stop worrying about this.

In “Men are Penetrators. Women are Receivers”, Pedro García requests:

Chase,

It would be greatly appreciated if you did an article on penis size. I know that it seems pretty random(or maybe it’s seeing the word penetrate a lot in this article) but I think that it’s a topic that needs to discussed... Please craft something of that nature in the future. Thank you!

And in “How Can I Get to the Sex Part?”, a reader named PH asks, in part:

Could you do an article on penis size? I was thinking a lot of guys have an average size penis because average is average so how does that compare to guys who have bigger ones v smaller ones for seducing a girl or a relationship.

My biggest hang up is having a relationship with a girl who has been with a bigger-package guy and I can’t compete because she can never feel it as much as the other guy so she’ll never have as good a time haha.

So today we’ll cover penis size.

This is a somewhat weird topic to touch, because it folds in a bunch of men in different places. Men affected by small penis concerns include:

  • Men whose penises may or may not be small, but they’re worried they are

  • Men whose penises actually are small, and they’re worried about this

  • Men who struggled to get women off, and fear maybe their penises are small

Further, this is almost exclusively a sexually inexperienced man problem. I’ve yet to meet or hear of a man with 15+ lays who worries much or at all about his length or girth. I’m sure there are a few out there, but they’re pretty darn rare. Regardless whether your penis is small or not, once you’ve been with enough women, you usually don’t much care about this.

In a way, it’s kind of like being the beginning piano player who worries his fingers are too thick. Or the rookie running back whose 40-yard dash is below average and worries he might not get picked for a team. Once you’re getting results in the thing, these concerns melt away because they stop being relevant.

So, my general advice to guys is, “Worry about doing better with girls, work on your sexual technique so you are getting girls off regularly... and you are not going to care about this anymore once you do.”

If you don’t care about the details, and just want the gist, that’s it right there. You can stop reading here. Go level up with girls, go level up your bedroom technique, and you’ll think it was silly you ever worried about penis length or thickness.

But if that isn’t enough for you, and you’re talking yourself out of talking to girls because you’re afraid they’ll be disappointed with your manhood, or you won’t be able to satisfy them, then lets disabuse you of those notions.

We’ll begin today with a look at where science stands on penis size, and go from there.

Buddhism, the False Face, and the Paradox of Frame

paradox of frame
How does Buddhism relate to dating? While you refine your persona, you must put on a “false face”… Yet as you do you deceive yourself, as much as others.

I was talking to a coaching client of mine the other day. He expressed to me how badly he wanted to be a “seduction machine” and that he was willing to do anything to reach that level.

I smiled. His enthusiasm and drive was uplifting. Also, he was willing to pay good money for probably one of the most important skills a man can have in his life: the ability to connect with women emotionally, romantically, and sexually; that is a sign of drive if anything is.

However, progress is not so simple. Or, to put it another way, it is far simpler than you can imagine.

In his imagination, he had this grand idea of “the master seducer” – a version of himself that is everything he’s ever wanted it to be: to have a voice that sizzles women’s ears and makes their pussies tremble, to walk and move with the grace and power of a seasoned warrior, to have eyes that undress women literally and emotionally, and to have a voice that commands them as though Zeus himself demanded their obedience.

Unfortunately, this self is a mirage. Fortunately, it is also closer to you than your skin and your bones.

This is not a contradiction. Contradictions are when one thing needs to be right, and you say both are. This, instead, is a paradox: both statements are correct yet seem contradictory.

And it’s been my experience that if you are following a path of inquiry and have not yet reached a paradox, you haven’t gone far enough.

Tactics Tuesdays: What to Do If You're Not That Sexy (Yet)

not that sexy
It takes time to be sexy. Yet while you’re working on it, there’s no reason for you to go dateless in the meantime.

Writing on the Girls Chase boards, a member by the name GottaChange says:

From what I’ve seen around the only men who manage to consistently bed women using a normal “person-to-person” frame are men who are particularly good-looking according to society’s modern criteria. It is as if their looks takes care of the attraction for them and they can just worry about having a normal interaction and move things towards sex.

All the other guys (the average-looking ones) being successful with women are, from what I have seen, those who are able to arouse women by projecting masculinity and sexuality and be consistent with it during the whole interaction. They aren’t faking it, they ARE like that.

I know for some of you this is easy if not natural, but for me this is very very hard. I can open girls using a friendly/warm/playful vibe but this doesn’t lead me anywhere. We keep bantering until she either sees me as a new friend or she loses interest and goes away.

Yeah, rarely I have had women becoming sexually interested in me even if I was just being normal and friendly, but it’s not something I can rely on regularly like I see good-looking guys do. I need to structurally change something about myself, and that’s why I chose this nickname.

So, this is not going to be an article on how to be sexy. We already have a bunch of those – here’s a few, for starters:

Rather, this will be an article on patching things together in the short-term, before your sexy self has emerged from the sexpot chrysalis.

We touched on the lack-of-sexiness problem yesterday a bit in my massive troubleshoot post “What to Do When Your Approach Just Isn’t Working.” However, I want to give it its own treatment in article form. Partly so you don’t have to read 12,000 words to find the one paragraph that talks about it. But also because it needs highlighting – what you don’t highlight often goes unnoticed.

One of the points we harp on a lot on Girls Chase is the value of being sexy. When you are sexy, girls become... pretty straightforward. You have clear sexual value on offer that appeals to women:

  • Women who’d like a boyfriend like you appreciate it

  • Women who’d like a friend like you appreciate it too

  • And women in need of sexual release really appreciate it

Most men appreciate sexual value too. They tend to view it as ‘charismatic’ or ‘cool’. Being sexy is a boon all around.

There’s just one problem. It takes time to develop that sexy vibe if you don’t have it yet. I think it took me eight or nine months to get mine to the point where I saw noticeable changes in how women received me. So what are you supposed to do in the meantime? Scratch days off your calendar and watch the seasons pass?

Obviously, that’s not so desirable.

Instead, you’re going to have to find some other ways to make girls want to do things with you.

What to Do When Your Approach Just Isn't Working

approach doesn't work
What do you do if you try to improve with women, but nothing seems to work? There are 8 reasons this happens – and you can beat them all.

Girls Chase has been around for almost nine years. We’ve collected hundreds of case studies, success stories, and testimonials over the years, both solicited and not, from guys about all the wild successes they’ve had with girls after finding this site. Our Field Reports board on the Girls Chase forums is a testament in its own right – just go through and read all the (probably thousands now) lay reports on the boards. But sometimes, guys struggle.

Kalyan, longtime reader (and coaching student of Hector Castillo’s) writes:

Hello,

This is Kalyan, longtime GC fan, and I have a small issue. I am a rather good-looking guy, I’ve got some of my vibe as a man down and I don’t take shit from people. I have good style and I am not afraid to walk up to anyone.

I’m taking coaching from Hector and there are a bunch of things we’re working on (I’m good but not perfect!), but there is something which is sort of discouraging me.

Over the past 2 months I did around 150 approaches. I’d set goals and go at them. And typically I’d use direct openers. However, out of these 150 approaches (mostly day game), I was able to get 8 dates or so, and only like 4 make-outs (2 have been same night pulls).

Many girls would smile at me when I asked for their numbers and give these happily, only not to reply to my first text. This happened like 60 times. Other times I get “I have a boyfriend”. I would be frustrated at this, but when I go out, it’s a new day, I don’t carry it with me.

Now, most of the dates I got were girls who weren’t really sexually interested in me, which suggests that the girls who are interested in me sexually rejected me for not being sexual, so I have to be sexual. Got it, working on it. But my point is, it really doesn’t make sense to do such a huge number of approaches and not get any result at all – the sheer volume should be enough. I’m not saying that I “deserve” more; I know we need to improve, but something doesn’t add up here.

So I was thinking of:

– an article about “what it means when all your approaches don’t end in the bedroom” – or something similar

– advice or relevant articles on this subject (I’ll also cover this with hector).

Thanks

Kalyan’s not the only one I’ve heard from recently about problems or frustrations. We’ve had guys both on the forums and who’ve left comments or emailed in recently to say they’ve been trying to use the material here and just aren’t able to get it to work. Some of these guys have been at it a few months; some of them say they have tried for years.

So let’s talk about what to do when things aren’t working the way you want them to work, expect them to work, or hoped they would work. This post is for the guys at risk of being left behind. The ones who’ve studied, labored, and sweated it out, but failed so far to achieve the results they want.

This article you’ve opened up is 12,000 words long. That makes it one of the five longest essays on Girls Chase as of writing (there are over 1500 articles on this website). It took me six hours to write, and another hour and a half to edit and proofread. I wrote it for two reasons: the first is because we need an article on here to be able to point guys to when they’re struggling. The second is because, while I cannot personally ensure every guy who comes here is going to succeed, I don’t want anybody failing who truly wants this. If you’re putting the work in, I want you to win. I want you to clear any hurdles and get the brass ring.

I can’t promise you this article will turn things around for you. Much of that is going to be up to you. If you and I knew each other in person, and I had enough time to spend with you, there’s a fair chance I could put you on my back and carry you to success. Yet there are tens of thousands of men who’d like me to do that for them, to only one me... and the one me there is is very busy. The best I can do at this point is outline the common problems, lay them all out for you, and hope that when you see them laid out here, some light bulbs go off for you, and the gears in your head start to turn again.

So let me do my best to shine more light on the pitfalls for those guys who are trying to climb their ways out.

Anyway, no further ado. Let’s dive in.

“How Can I Get to the Sex Part?”

strategic thinking
If things aren’t going right, it’s easy to stress out and panic with a girl. But to succeed with her, you must remain level headed.

This is one of the more difficult topics to write about, because it’s one hard to not have folks adopt an extreme position on. People (though surely not you, Dear Reader) read stuff on the Internet and adopt extreme positions all the time, because it’s hard to judge context from words on a screen. No tone, no subtext.

One example of this is the mantra move faster. Most men don’t move anywhere near fast enough most parts of their courtships. And pretty much every guy could stand to move faster on something. Yet not every guy takes this advice the right way. Some hear “move faster” and start to rush themselves (which you shouldn’t do).

Other men hear “move faster” and speed up parts of their courtships they already move plenty fast on, while they ignore the areas most in need of acceleration. Maybe a guy runs his interactions up to the point of the phone number exchange at a perfect speed, but then on his dates he takes way too long. So he decides to speed up his early interactions to try to get phone numbers even faster, while hardly tweaking his date speed... the end result being he messes up the part he had right, while failing to improve on the part he had wrong.

Obviously, we don’t want you doing stuff like this, where you fix what isn’t broken and leave broken what is.

So today, I want to talk about the “I’ve got to get to X!” reaction. This reaction gets into your head and pushes you to find a way to make X – whatever X is – happen as fast as possible. Often X is sex, as in, “Come on, I’ve got to kill this boring conversation before she loses interest and get this girl to sex!”

The cautionary note is going to be this: we need to get you to continue to move things forward toward sex, without having you completely hung up on trying to figure out how to make forward progress toward sex. The objective here is not to strip you of the goal of “sleep with this girl” and get you into some kind of aimless “just talk to girls and feel good” mindset. You will still have the aim of bedding girls.

Rather, the objective of this essay is to get you to realize unhelpful thoughts mid-seduction, and turn them in a more productive direction.