Confidence

How confidence affects results with women, and how to get your confidence, boldness, and "inner game" tightened up and running smoothly.

So You’re a Showoff… How Do You Use It?


being a showoffIn “Locating Good Low Competition Sexual Markets", a reader writes in asking about the desire to show off:

Hey, Chase,

I would like to see your article on desire to show off. I have such problem in me that usually I want to be seen as awesome and seek for approval, but it is something that really fucks up with my goals, because I forget my stuff to do and chase approval of peers and girls instead. Such situation where I get flaky girls not responding, or rejections actually bothers me a lot and is extremely painful and I feel so stuck in seeking validation, so I’m insecure and this off putting, I know. Any thoughts?

The desire to be impressive; it’s one that almost every man has to some degree or another.

Some of us have it on a grand scale, while others only have a tiny drop of it; but if no one cared about being powerful and letting all the world know it, action movies (and tales and stories) where the guy gets to save the day wouldn’t be nearly so popular in our time and times past, and dreams of becoming a star or celebrity would be far less common dreams to dream.

Yet, the desire to be impressive can lead us to some pretty ignominious ends:

  • Crippling approach anxiety because we fear looking the opposite of impressive if we approach her and come off poorly or are rejected

  • Inaction when we should take action, because we don’t want to risk making the wrong move, looking bad, and messing it all up, all of this leading to missed escalation windows and expired attraction

  • A tendency for a great many men to require liquid courage before they’re even ready to start approaching, and a much easier time approaching anonymously in dark, crowded nightclubs (where it’s harder, the competition is fiercer, and the overall quality is lower) than on the street in broad daylight (where it’s easier, the competition is nil, and the overall quality is great)

  • Valuing reactions over results, because buddies or disciples are far more impressed by hopped up antics that get girls clapping and screaming than they are by subdued conversation... even if that latter is more likely to lead to a girl in your bed

Plus all number of other success saboteurs.

How do we deal with being a showoff then – do we suppress it, or can we use it?

Being Yourself: How Important is Congruence?


Note from Chase: this is a reflection piece by Alek on the redeeming qualities of the “be yourself” advice that I discussed as often harmful and distracting in my piece on it a few years back – primarily, Alek uses the phrase to discuss the importance of congruence.


being yourselfThe most famous dating advice there is “Just be yourself.” Often times, when men ask women for advice, this is the answer they receive. But does this advice have any desirable effects?

Most of us would say no. Good men have tried to be themselves without getting any results. Many of us would say that “just be yourself” is terrible advice, because it doesn’t tell us anything about what women are actually attracted too, nor does it inform us of any specific ways to attract them.

And then you have site like Girls Chase that give you guidance on how to seduce women. Without being arrogant, the huge amount of information on this site (and other similar sites) makes mainstream dating advice look like crap.

But is there any truth in “just being yourself”? In my opinion there is, and that’s what this post will be exploring. Keep reading and you might find some revealing facts. This one’s for all men dedicated to seduction.

What Does It Mean to Be a Man?


It is taken for granted, as well it should be, that women respect strong men and detest weak ones. There is no way around it, and no amount of pretty, eloquent fluffiness will detract from the impact it already has on your life.

You see it everywhere: women throwing themselves at men with spines while trampling on those without and laughing in their faces.

Today’s article is not a discussion of strength in the physical sense – you can find articles on how to get in great shape elsewhere on this website. Instead, this is about a topic that I don’t often see discussed: being a man of conviction.

Some good Hollywood examples of men with conviction are James Bond and Han Solo; classic archetypal males who get the job done and get laid doing it.

be a man

3 Quirky but Great Places to Find Girls


When you start having more conversations with women you start to learn what girls look for and how they identify those things.

By talking with girls frequently and having their trust sexually you start to hear about how they think while at the gym, or while at the beach, or traveling, and after this it becomes more and more clear that our fears of approaching in these places are misguided.

places to find girls

I was having some discussions recently about a few of these weird places, and you should know that girls are happier to meet guys than you would think at them.

Women are actively looking and positioning themselves in the best spots they can, so if you see a girl somewhere quirky and your first instinct is fear and to hide away, just stop for a moment. Girls usually go to these places because they really don’t want to go anywhere else to meet guys. So take the fact that she showed up where you are as a good sign, because on some level girls understand that if two cute people cross paths they just might spark up a conversation.

And so long as you follow a few dos and don’ts correctly, you should do well in these situations. Also, keep in mind that the fact that she showed up is a sign that she thinks “guys here might be okay!”

We as guys get nervous, but girls like that because it weeds out 90% of the guys who never think far enough ahead or never find the motivation to follow through.

The simple act of meeting a girl in quirky places can cause her to think great things about you. It might sound crazy, but as much as these places can be scary, the scariness is matched by their level of opportunity.

So buckle up, because meeting girls in unusual settings often means you are in for a different ride and it may just accelerate your learning curve, as girls assume the best rather than shooting you down.

Lowering Expectations, Then Shattering Them


We are born into a world that doesn’t expect much out of us. Just be average, fit in, blend with the crowd, and you will be all right. This is fine if you want to be an average Joe with an average Jane by his side living an average life, but it is not so fine if you want more than this.

Yet you may have a tough time breaking out of the “mold” these low expectations place you in. From an early age we are all trained to expect average things of ourselves. Lifting one’s sights to see what is truly achievable takes work.

low expectations

Having low expectations placed on you sucks.

However, when you are a kid there is nothing you can do about it except “grow up”, so you end up agonizing on this desire to change during what should be one of the most care free periods of your life.

We get crammed into school systems, graded like we must perform a service adequately, and pushed into the social confines of routine. We are left to drift away into obscurity until we grow up, and at that point it seems too late to change anything. The system that supposedly is meant to make us match expectations instead lulls us away from the best ways to exceed them.

She May be a Bitch to You… But She’s a Pussycat for Me


cool bitchIt’s forever been the mark of the man who’s reached the highest pinnacle of skill with women: a comfort, ease, and naturalness with them that few other men possess.

This comfort, ease, and naturalness extends to all sorts of women, too: quiet and inexperienced women, vivacious and dynamic women, temptresses and seductresses and nerdy schoolgirls alike.

And it even extends to bitches.

You know, those women whom most men chase after only until they catch them nose turning up toward their advances, then turn away in disgust and say, “I don’t like girls like her anyway.”

The beautiful ones, or even the not-so-beautiful ones, who nevertheless know how to make themselves seem to rank among the elite.

And what’s more... what’s truly inspiring or consternating to the ordinary man looking on (depending on whether he roots for his fellow man or wishes only to vanquish him)... is that, quite often, even the “bitches” love the lover of women right back.

Why is this so? What is it about this man that turns the women inaccessible to most men into playful, purring kittens?

And is this pinnacle one attainable by those more ordinary men who wish to summit it?

CBT Series Part II: How to Do Behavior Therapy on Yourself


An introduction to cognitive therapy (CT) was given in the previous article in this series, and I recommend reading it before reading this article.

A short refresher on the article about cognitive therapy is that your mind is equipped with mechanisms that ensure you don't take on physical or social risks you cannot handle, like things that generate too much anxiety.

Your fears and limiting beliefs will, with regards to seduction, often be irrational or obsolete if you have taken action to improve yourself, and CT is a way to update your mental map with more productive thoughts.

behavior therapy

But sometimes a purely cognitive approach will not work. Maybe you are doing something really wrong and have to integrate new behavior.

Or you might, for example, have absolutely no relevant reference experiences to back up the belief that you will be able to pick up a woman you don't know in advance or a woman who is very hot. And no matter how much you read that this is possible, or are told so by others, you still can not imagine it happening.

Then the pure cognitive approach must be complemented by new behavior and additional reference experiences, and now we are dealing with behavior therapy (BT).

Behavior therapy is a very big topic with many concepts and techniques; this article will go through the most relevant ones for improving your social skills. The main enemy here is social anxiety, which is intimately connected to social hierarchies. So let's have a brief discussion on how these two concepts are related.

Cut the Inner Safety Monologue and Learn to Fly


The path to independence and confidence is not safe inner monologues, but your ability to face your anxieties and become strong enough to start cutting those inner monologues off.

You have to expect to move beyond safety and face off against greater anxiety. It is a hard path, but it is a path to forging a stronger identity, and a stronger identity will make everything come a lot more smoothly.

We all start out “feeling safe”, and think things like “improving is for those other guys”, and we grow comfortable feeling superior to them. You might have found yourself after a long day starting to drift into thought patterns where you try to lift yourself up by tearing others down in your mind: “He is just a fool”, “She just is superficial”, “If only they were smarter they would have seen my value.”

safety monologue

Ironically, however, this feeling of safety and superiority doesn’t help you out; it just cements weak behavior patterns and leaves you likely to have poor coping skills in future situations.

CBT Series Part I: How to Do Cognitive Therapy on Yourself


Any guy who has ever set his foot on a forum devoted to the study of seduction or who has purchased a book on the topic is likely to be familiar with the expressions “outer game” and “inner game”. He will know that “outer game” advice consists of learning new behaviors, while “inner game” advice is all about restructuring your cognition, or, in plain English, information processing and thought patterns.

cognitive therapy

However, not everybody knows that this is a kind of therapy that psychologists have been studying for decades and that they call “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” (commonly abbreviated CBT).

Its name indicates that it builds on the earlier method of pure cognitive therapy (CT) and also on behavior therapy (BT). Both psychologists and aspiring seducers have been discussing which therapy is more effective, but, at least among the psychologists, there is more or less agreement that the combination of CT (“inner game”) and BT (“outer game”) is more effective than either alone.

This should not be surprising; if you approach a problem from multiple angles you are more likely to solve it.

This first article in the new series I am kicking off on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will address the CT part and teach you how to systematically challenge and defeat negative though patterns and unproductive beliefs.

Nearly everybody has something to work with here; there are very few people who are totally free from what are commonly known as “issues”.

How to Not Be Shy


You know the feeling – the one where you see a group of people laughing about a movie you love or getting excited about an overseas location that you know like the back of your hand.

But there you are, standing on the outskirts of the group. Maybe you have a drink in your hand. Maybe you have your hands in your pockets. Maybe you have you arms crossed. Whatever the case may be, you feel intimidated, uneasy, and possibly even scared about the situation at hand.

how to not be shy

You want to be a part of the fun. You know you have something to offer. But the prospect of approaching new people – or worse, approaching that beautiful girl across the room – is much too daunting for your brain to grasp. So you sit there. Doing nothing. Feeling awkward. And then you go home, not making a splash – not even making a ripple.

And you wonder to yourself: “Will things always be like this? Will I ever overcome my shyness and actually connect with people?”

Well, if you’ve been wondering about how to not be shy, wonder no more. I’ve put together a complete primer on how to overcome shyness.

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