Confidence | Girls Chase

Confidence

How confidence affects results with women, and how to get your confidence, boldness, and "inner game" tightened up and running smoothly.

If You Don't Want to Date Her, Does It Mean You're Insecure?

don't want to date her
If you’re not willing to date certain girls, does that mean you’re insecure? Well, perhaps… But only if “insecure” doesn’t mean what your accuser means it means.

There’s a common refrain you’ll hear from women. Not just women, but men sometimes too. The refrain goes like this:

You don’t want to date her because you’re insecure.

There are some women this is obviously pure self-serving commentary from. Morbidly obese women, for instance. If a morbidly obese woman tells you you’re insecure if you don’t want to date her, well, you know that’s a tub of baloney (and maybe a tub of lard, too).

This article isn’t about those women. Not the obviously undesirable girls who’d claim your rejection of them stems from insecurity.

Instead, this article is about the fuzzy cases: girls with high notch counts, girls who’ve dated far wealthier or handsomer men than you, girls who’ve dated criminals. Heck, girls who’ve dated men of ‘badder’ races than you are (a white guy if you’re Asian, or a black guy if you’re white, for instance), or girls who used to be guys (transsexuals), or girls who tell you they’ve been rape victims or abuse victims.

Are you, in fact, insecure if you don’t want to date one of these people?

How Much Can You Change About Yourself?

how much can you change
Some parts of ourselves, both mental and physical, are immutable. Exactly how much of ourselves (and what parts) can we actually change?

I was recently asked a very interesting question regarding human behavior and “nature versus nurture.” I myself ponder issues like this quite often, as I'm sure many Girls Chase readers do.

How much of who I am today was determined at birth? To what extent did culture, locale, parenting, etc. influence who I turned out to be? What aspects of my current “self” are the result of free will? Can attempting to change certain things about myself put me at odds with my nature and actually be detrimental to my well-being?

These are interesting questions that I love to explore for both men and for women. Most notably, are we truly ourselves, and can we change ourselves?

The truth of this matter is a rather convoluted mix of YES and NO. We are simultaneously human beings with immense control over our destiny – but also little to no control over our destiny.

Let’s explore!

Don't Let a "Successful Identity" Stand in Your Way with Women

big deal women
Are you such a success you now find yourself hesitant to approach? If you want to meet more women, you’ll have to shed that ‘Big Deal’ image.

Something happens to a lot of men once they reach a certain point with girls.

They realize they are, without question, pretty good.

When you hit this point, you look back and notice you’ve shagged a lot of girls. You’ve picked up girls in crazy situations and somehow pulled it off. You’ve had beautiful girlfriends who worshipped the earth you stood on. Maybe you cultivated a bit of notoriety on forums or just among your circle of friends as a guy skilled with babes.

And then you start to go out thinking you’re a big deal. “I’m a big deal,” you say. “Women are supposed to like me.”

You start to get self-conscious about approaching. You get a new flavor of approach anxiety. But it’s weird; it’s different from that earlier flavor. Whereas your old approach anxiety was a fear women might destroy your self-esteem by rejecting you, now it’s something else. Now you fear a woman may shatter your identity.

If you approach her, and she rejects you, can you really consider yourself Earth’s Biggest Ladies Man? Probably not, right?

So better not to approach.

In a way, this anxiety is worse than the earlier one. At least with the earlier one, you didn’t have much to lose. You sucked with girls, and you had to fix it, doggone it. With this new one though, you feel a need to preserve all those memories of success you have. This identity of being great. And when you don’t approach, you can just flood yourself with memories: “I’m not going to talk to that girl. It’s not worth the risk. Hey, remember that time I banged a girl who looked just like her? And how awesome that was? That was great...”

Plenty of guys get stuck here. Most never fully make it back.

Because once you’re a ‘Big Deal’ in your own head – a legend in your own mind – it gets harder and harder to do anything that might disabuse you of that notion.

6 Ways to Prepare Yourself and Get in State to Meet Girls

get in state
These 6 tools get you ready to go out and meet new girls. Mental preparation + a good state? It’s what the love doctor ordered.

In most of the articles here on Girls Chase, we often discuss the nuances of the seduction. From the specifics of what to say to girls, tips on frame control, how to respond to tests, as well as the building blocks that make a talented seducer – the mindsets, the fundamentals, and how to maximize them.

But in this article, we’ll talk about one of those building blocks. An under-discussed yet key component of what makes an able seducer; one that gets overlooked: how prepare yourself to meet new girls.

Today we’ll focus on what happens before you even step outside the door. Plus how you can make a few easy adjustments (six, in particular) to maximize the results of an outing.

Cool Guys Get Laid, Weirdos Don't

cool guys weirdos
Weird guys struggle to get dates or get laid with women. It’s a simple path from weirdo to cool guy – but it’s not without dead ends and blind alleys.

With so much content out there about how to get good with women, it gets a bit nauseating for beginners. You hear stuff from so many sects of game that you find your head spinning from the sheer number of articles and videos. So let me say something no one else seems to have said thus far: being good at game simply means being a cool, witty guy who can get the job done and not be butt hurt if things don’t go well. This is game in a nutshell.

If you are given advice that seems like something a “weird guy” would do, go ahead and try it out, but chances are, it may not be an attractive trait. Just be wary.

Often I find this thing called seduction is heavily complicated. The ability to understand it in both a complicated and simple way will help you grow and develop this skill. This understanding can ultimately help you reach your desired end result. So, considering that I usually go way in depth and overly complicate every piece of seduction material, today I am going the other route by breaking down game into its simplest components.

The Low Testosterone, No Girls Funk

low testosterone funk
Ever find yourself in a funk, where nothing you did with girls worked out? Sometimes it’s random. But sometimes it’s testosterone.

One of our more senior forum members, named Lao Che, has run into problems getting girls. Lao Che’s in his early 40s, travels often, and was until recently a regular hound dog. But then things fell off. He describes it as “I got old really fast.” He had a few relationships end poorly six months ago, and since then women won’t go beyond flirtation with him.

For years, Lao Che posted one lay report after another on the GC boards, often picking up girls the same night out of bars or sucking them into his world over a couple of dates and bedding them with ease. What happened?

I don’t know if it’s exactly his scenario (would need a few more details), but I suspect it is: most of the time when I see guys have total results reversals like this – where they go from lots of success with women, to no success with women – it’s a testosterone problem.

Testosterone problem? What’s that? What’s the cause... and why would getting T-levels flowing again after they’ve ebbed way down bring your results back up with women, too?

That’s the topic of today’s article: the low-T funk, what it looks like, how to identify it, and how to get back out of it. Don’t worry. I’m not going to give you any magic T-level rising potions to consume. But we will be talking ‘man stuff. If your T-levels are off, this is the stuff we’re going to get you doing to bring those levels back up.

What is Neediness, and Why Do Guys Get Needy Over Girls?

needy over girls
Why do guys get needy for girls? Neediness stems from approval seeking and/or expectation… Yet it’s not an emotion you want.

Neediness happens when you feel under threat.

It’s a sign one lacks something... but wants it – desperately.

Yet desperation is a big neon sign to vultures, and a repellant to attractive, good-hearted folks.

The most successful men in the world have a different air about them, and they also tend to do extremely well with women. Some think these men drink a special potion. Or maybe they were born gifted with women. Right?

But what if they just aren’t needy with women and don’t need women around to feel happy with their lives? Think of gay men, for instance, and why girls absolutely adore them. Girls tell them all kinds of stories, touch them in all kinds of ways. Part of this is because gay men are freer with their sexualities around women, and they naturally have strong fundamentals; they also do not desire women at all! They freely express themselves in attractive and honest ways around women, but they have zero desire to acquire anything from them.

Most men, when around women and in the pursuit of women, want something from them. They do not wish to be with women for the sake of being with women (and by this, I am also talking about sex, because sex is something women want, too). However, most men have a goal in their minds whether it be sex with her, to date her, or to add her on as a girlfriend, but they frequently do this without creating the framework for her to desire the same thing.

It is thus our task as men to not want anything from women. Instead, we must present frames and an attitude toward women that gets the women we desire on the same page as us. When a woman wants the same things as a man, then both parties are in alignment and can move forward together.

I read an amazing book recently: Pitch Anything by Oren Klaff. I plan to write a full book review on it. One of the key concepts Oren discusses in his book is the idea of neediness versus non-neediness. Here’s a quick description of what neediness is and why it’s so terrible:

“Classic validation-seeking behavior. Signals of desperation... giving any hint of neediness or any signs of desperation, plainly put, is like saying, ‘I’m holding a bomb that could go off at any minute.’ Everyone will respond by going on the defensive. Their first reaction is – Run!

Self-protection is an unconscious reaction that comes from the crocodile brain.... Neediness triggers fear and uncertainty, causing the target’s croc brain to take over – but not in a good way. It’s goal is to prevent further threat by effectively blocking out the higher-level brain, which likes to debate and consider and analyze. No time for that. Threat requires immediate action.

Neediness is a signal of a threat.... Neediness results in avoidance.

(p. 161)

Most Guys Who Suck with Girls Have No Idea Why

suck with girls
When a guy doesn’t do well with girls, usually he finds something to blame. But most of the time, what he blames is not the true culprit.

Everyone is an expert, as the saying goes. The less you know, the more you are convinced there’s nothing you don’t know. People will repeat non-stop how your success with the opposite sex is predetermined. I have too many friends who have been approaching women for years, still whining about things they cannot control instead of focusing on improving what they’ve got. It is ridiculous.

But it makes you wonder: how much is there for the average person to improve, given proper practice and incremental development?

7 Girl-Getting Paradigms (Which One is Yours?)

girl getting paradigms
Different men approach meeting girls from wildly different paradigms. What does your paradigm say about you – and how’s it impact your success?

The other day, commenting below Alek’s fourth installment on his series about meeting girls in gay bars, a reader named BMontana remarked:

[A]s a man, I not only want to get laid but I also want a woman to chose me over other straight guys, it’s an ego thing I guess. Now I wouldn’t mind picking up a girl in a gay bar if I was 100% sure I would succeed but still knowing that I am one of the few non gay guys won’t give me the satisfaction that I would have gotten when picking up a woman in a regular bar.

It’s an interesting girl-getting paradigm: I’m most satisfied with a pickup if the girl chooses me over other men.

At first I mistook BMontana’s paradigm for: I’m most satisfied with a pickup if I vanquish other men. But I realized that is yet another paradigm. BMontana wants to feel picked by the girl over other offers, rather than to defeat other men in a battle of skills, wit, or will.

What I’d like to do today is to explore the different potential paradigms a man may have when it comes to securing new women. Some of these paradigms are more helpful than others; however, I will not present them in order of effectiveness.

Instead, we’ll talk a bit about what makes a paradigm more or less effective, and then we’ll discuss the seven (7) paradigms a man may use. Note that your paradigm will tend to be your default; when you operate from a paradigm, it is how you normally interact with the opposite sex.

The paradigm you inhabit colors your dating world: how you think about women, you interpret the signs and signals they give you, and how successful (or not) you are, in various situations, with various women.

How to Set Boundaries Other People Respect

how to set boundaries
If you want to be respected, you must set boundaries. But how do you set these, without looking reactive, defensive, or weak?

A former student of mine asked:

Hey, Denton, how do you balance being grounded and not being affected by others while also not being weak, a pushover, or being seen as passive?

How can you assert boundaries without appearing reactionary? When your girlfriend is acting up, you cannot possibly ignore her. If a guy is aggressively crossing the line, you cannot simply stand by. What is one to do?

These are great questions! And they are often a source of dilemma for many guys.

Well, I find the biggest misunderstanding is the huge difference between being grounded and being passive.