How confidence affects results with women, and how to get your confidence, boldness, and "inner game" tightened up and running smoothly.

Falling in Love, Part I: How to Quit Fearing Romance

Men who’ve had hearts broken often block off their ability to feel love – and surrender the ability to find women they can feel it for.

This one’s Part I of a 2-part special request for an old student of mine from Denmark.

We had the opportunity to catch up, about a week ago, after not having spoken in a while. One of the things we discussed was love at first sight; in particular, how frequently we experience it and whether it’s always been that way.

For me, love at first sight began as a spontaneous event that occurred maybe 2 to 4 times per year: I’d go around, most days nothing, but then, one day, some girl would pop out at me from the crowd, and she would be PERFECT. Even her flaws would be perfect. For whatever reason, I’d be crazy for her.

falling in love

Over time, I’ve trained myself to spot girls I’ll get this feeling for even more readily, and now sometimes I’ll run into multiple girls I’ll get this feeling for in the course of a week. It’s certainly much more common than 2 to 4 times a year for me now. There are other factors involved than training, of course, too (preferring to spend time in big metropolises with lots of beautiful, fashionable women makes this much easier).

For my alumnus, it’s gone in the reverse direction: he used to feel it now and then until he met his high school girlfriend, a love-at-first-sight coupling that ended when she tore his heart out and stomped it underfoot at 17. At 35 and dozens of lays and relationships under his belt, he’s never felt ‘in love’ with a girl since, and never experienced love at first sight again.

I asked him, and do you think she just raised your standards so high no other girl can meet them, or do you think she just hurt you so bad you haven’t let yourself feel anything since?

He told me it was the latter.

I gave him my thoughts on getting some emotional freedom, and on training oneself to experience love at first sight more often. But he asked me if I could write an article on the subject too.

So here, it is, split into two parts: Part I, on stripping yourself of fear of love and romance, and next time, Part II, on finding more of those girls that you are just crazy about.

Be More Flexible, Sleep with More Girls

Some guys seem to be “lucky” – they always find the girl who wants to date them (or sleep with them). Yet this is anything but chance.
Pickup Tech

flexible sleep with girlsIn the comment section of my article “10 Surprising Reasons Women Will Have Sex with You”, a reader remarked on a study on luck that discovered exceptionally “lucky” people basically are much better at noticing and seizing on opportunities, while “unlucky” people are more single-minded and stubborn, and miss opportunities.

Our reader commented that:

I totally coroborate it with my incident today. There is this cute girl in my neighbouring room in student dorm I had been planning to talk to for days. I thought over it for days and planned a silly excuse to go talk to her only to realise that she had been sick. Instead of adapting quickly and offering her to drop by place for some warm tea i completely flipped and just went through what i had planned in my mind before, Just like the article i missed the opportunity for a spontaneous casual conversational connection based on my planned mindset. think this is what most people nervous with girls and new to it suffer, presence of mind and adaptablity. Not always but specific to situation they are not comfortable with. Your views on this !

And... yes. This hits the nail on the head all kinds of ways.

You know, one of the most common attributes nearly all inexperienced guys have in common is they’re stubborn. You tell them to do something, and they won’t do it because they’ve already put themselves on a certain path and they don’t want to get off it. Or they want to finish this thing they’re working on.

And that’s a good habit to have (focus; follow-through). And I’m that way to a large extent myself, or was originally (now I’m more diversified: focused in where focused in is useful, big picture where that’s more useful), so I do relate.

But if you want to do better with girls, and if you want to sleep with more girls, a big part of that is going to come from learning to be flexible, and recognize the opportunities you’ve been letting slip by you wholly unrecognized.

What to Do to Not be the Cold Playboy Everyone Hates

It’s easy to become the cold, callous playboy manipulating others to get what he wants. But there’s a better way than this.

Ever sleep with a new girl, only to end up feeling empty inside once all is said and done?

Ever struggle with seeing yourself as a victim, blaming the world for not giving you what it owes you?

Ever start taking successes and failures far too personally, and letting them mess with and control your emotions?

Ever let your own false sense of superiority lead you to treat other people in ways you later wish you hadn’t?

Sometimes it feels like you might never win. Everyone seems to have their game together except you. You feel like you are always trying to “catch up”. It eats away at you subconsciously until you seek the lows you are used to. You rationalize away fleeting successes. You feel overwhelmed and, worst of all, you aren’t sure you enjoyed it all that much.

cold playboy

Recently I have been afforded a window of opportunity to study this feeling in myself again. It has been a long time since I have felt like this with women, but now as I reflect upon it I think it is a topic worthy of getting into for you guys.

Putting the Heart Work in to Truly Break Through

Sometimes you strive to be the best you can be; sometimes you demand others accommodate you. But what do you do when both ways fail?

In any endeavor there are two kinds of difficulty:

  • Those obstacles that can be overcome by the resources you have access to (in the woods you can make a fire to keep warm),

  • And those obstacles that cannot be attained by seemingly any means (in those same woods you find out what it takes to survive).

heart work

In response to these two types of difficulty there are often two ways people respond: they become a "workaholic" in regards to the things they can influence, or they become a "protestor" for a certain kind of symbolic change that will modify what is attainable and what isn't.

These two kinds of difficulties lead to much of what you can see in the world, whether it be the man protesting how girls need to change, or the man who constantly strives to be "on top" so that he might have greater perceived value than others.

When it comes to HARD work both types of men have justifications for their own version.

Whether the argument is about responsibility or about change often shapes a man's image to the rest of the world. Is he hard at work at being the best of the choices we have, or is he hard at work to expand/change those choices? Both approaches have their merits, but I introduce you to these two approaches to illustrate a third kind of difficulty.


Will People Recognize You are Out to Pick Up Girls?

A common fear for men new to picking up: what if people see me talking to girls? Here’s why this isn’t as big a deal as you may think.
Social Life

recognize you pick up girlsIn the article on bids for connection, a commenter asked about the following fear about random people recognizing him as, essentially, 'that pickup artist guy', and creating trouble for him:

What's really missing is in your articles to cover - most men have rooted lifestyles, so whether they know it consciously or not they meet mostly the same people every day. We are aware that coworkers don't change daily, but other people - people who goes to the same shops, uses the same public services are pretty much the same people, and if you live in a 500,000-1,500,000 people city you think consciously that you always meet different people, but in most cases the people you see around are the same people you've seen two weeks or two days before and just don't care to remember them. I've experimented with it and seen that there are people I meet pretty much everyday or at least once in a week, because of daily schedule which is highly repetitive. I notice the effects of what they call this: which in a nutshell means that running into the same items (people, numbers whatever) is more likely than it may seem. If you have 10000 people using public services at the same time, and then you see ~20 all the time around you, it doesn't mean that you run into the same person only 0.5% of the time, it's much higher percent actually and it grows with every day you expose yourself to the world until you expose yourself to the same and same people again and again without consciously knowing it.

He goes on to discuss the fear of being called out by a "nagging old lady or angry psycho of some kind" who may say something mean, and notes that a "large clump of guys [may] never start the game because of emotionally feeling the high percentage of such shaming happening [i]s a big danger to their identities of "good guys" they work so hard to preserve."

It's a perfectly natural concern and, in fact, one I wondered about myself early on. It's one worth paying some attention to, in all honesty, and I'll tell you why and how to do that in this post as well.

However, the biggest lesson you'll see with this kind of thing is the same one this same commenter notes at the start of this same comment: "You've got hundreds of articles less or more discussing pretty much the same topic of "Just move your ass and do the thing, accept early failures and later get awesome results!""

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I might as well save you 10 minutes if you don't feel like reading: the advice here is going to be exactly this: just move your ass and do the thing... and this fear magically vanishes. -Poof!-

Surprised? No? Well, let's look at why, at least.

Your Future Self Will Suck Too (Unless You Do Something About It Now)

Everyone puts things off. But trusting “future you” to do what you think he’ll do isn’t always the best path to getting what you want.

It’s Thursday afternoon, you planned on hitting the streets (or was it bars?) to chat up some girls, but as the day is coming to a close and you feel the daily stresses are taking their toll on you, you find yourself thinking how maybe today is not the best day to do it, after all:

  • “I had a stressful day.”

  • “I need to wake up early tomorrow.”

  • “I don’t feel like my best self, and surely it won’t be as effective…”


You even start bargaining with yourself:

“Hey, you know what, I better hit the gym after work, eat a healthy meal – I’ve been meaning to improve my physique for some time now. Here’s my chance.”


“I could stay at work for a little while longer and cover some of tomorrow’s tasks. This way tomorrow I’ll have an easier day and feel so much more energetic to go out and meet women.”

Then it hits you…

“Yes! Tomorrow I will feel so much more like it, I will have a good night’s sleep, wake up earlier, get myself ready and sexy, and I’ll even talk to twice as many women for skipping today. Yes, tomorrow!”

So you go home. You didn’t stay at work to finish tomorrow’s tasks nor did you hit the gym on your way back. Instead of a healthy meal you grabbed an XL combo meal at a fast food joint and stayed up late watching re-runs of “The Office”.

And yet for some reason you kind of feel good about yourself. After all, tomorrow you will make it all worth it!

At Ease in Your Skin: Key to Being a Great Natural Flirt

To reach the level of a natural flirt, you must learn to read, filter, and selectively express your underlying emotions.

natural flirtYou don’t have to be a master of observation to realize most guys flat out suck when it comes to flirting. And this isn’t even necessarily because they don’t know all the right techniques. The reason for it is actually much more fundamental.

What is this fundamental reason, you ask?

Only this: more often than not, we repress our emotions and act too stiff or too mechanical.

Just imagine what a terrific flirt you could be… IF you didn’t repress your emotions.

Why do we repress them?

Out of fear of failure and public humiliation if efforts fall flat, or *gasp!*… a girl snubbing you. Repress them, and snubs and failures seem easier to shrug off.

But imagine what it’d be like to be completely comfortable flirting… with even the hottest girls you meet.

What would you have to do to be that guy? That’s what we’ll be covering today.

Girls Chase Podcast Interviews Ep. 5: Darius Belejevas

Darius talks fashion: how to dress to meet professional women vs. college students, why really good shoes are so important, and more.
Men's Style

Darius Belejevas joins us today for the fifth installment of the Girls Chase Podcast. Darius is a regular contributor to on the subject of fashion and style (you can read his articles here), and today he weighs in with more on these and other topics.

In today’s podcast, Darius and host Varoon Raja discuss:

How to Quit Being Self-Conscious in Nighttime Venues

There’s a temptation in bars and nightclubs to stay passive and not rock the boat. But if you do this, it can be hard to meet new women.

I’ve recently been talking about fundamentals that help you get your foot into the club scenes, whether it be having the right light-hearted approach, or introducing your personality in a way that embraces the challenges brought on by the club scene.

Here I want to talk about how you really should be merging your persona with your activities when out in public.

First off, let me say, yes, there is a certain stigma and social pressure put on ANYBODY who is active socially in public. People might view you outrageous, unfairly privileged, amoral, or even shame you for being outgoing.

self-conscious nightclub

Sometimes, just for waving at a person, someone else may see you as arrogant; or for having a sex life, people can think you “unrealistic” or “irresponsible”; and for being proud of your growth you will face snickers from people that think a man who self improves is “weak” for admitting he is not already perfect.

It is easy to feel uncertain about yourself when any of these judgements are circling you. It can feel like if you make a mistake people are going to make it worse and it will destroy your image.

You will FEEL a resistance to becoming part of any scene because of this feeling of doubt and indecision. And it is natural to close up and think “Well, IF I act conservative enough, then I’ll slip through undetected”. However, for most people, even though they TRY to not get caught out, the fact is, sometimes you just are.

My solution?

Personal integrity.

How Many Attraction Factors are There? Infinite

Guys often get hung up on one thing as their impediment to success with girls. But is it ever just one thing?

One of the biggest obstacles for a lot of men when it comes to improving with women is fixating on the wrong thing.

attraction factors

Much of this seems to come from improper understanding of some of the raw basics of attraction.

When you see guys get hung up on one specific characteristic and blame that as the cause of all their woes with women, like the ones I discussed in “I Can’t Get Girls Because Girls Only Want [BLANK]”:

  • Race
  • Height
  • Wealth
  • Good looks

... it’s because they misunderstand attraction.

And when you see guys become (overly) obsessive about improving in one specific area, like muscles or wealth, it’s because they misunderstand attraction.

So how does attraction work?

Because surely, all these things have some impact on attraction... right?

But then, so do fundamentals.

And game.

So if all of them have some impact, then just how do these things all play together to affect a woman’s ultimate degree of attraction for you?


Subscribe to RSS - Confidence