How confidence affects results with women, and how to get your confidence, boldness, and "inner game" tightened up and running smoothly.
Hey there! Varoon Rajah here. Welcome to the next installment of the Dating Mechanics Podcast.
Tactics are majorly useful to your progress with girls… If you
use them right. But use tactics in pursuit of the wrong strategy and
you’ll hobble yourself.
Contents
I’m going to break slightly from Tactics Tuesdays tradition today to talk about how to learn tactics rather than give you a specific new tactic. To do this, I want to start with a particular hardcase example from our forums, a kissless 27-year-old virgin named Nexus.
Nexus wants to get better with girls... Yet his approach to dating makes this next to impossible. His chief problem is, as we'll identify today, a purely tactical approach to dating, rather than a strategic one.
We’ve discussed the difference between tactics and strategy before, in the context of relationship difficulties.
Today, we’ll talk about tactical vs. strategic learning as you seek to get dates, get kisses, and get laid.
Women are supposed to like money. So why don’t nice cars, jobs,
and apartments always get men laid?
In June 2006, I graduated university and took a job. I had an
important-sounding job at a prestigious corporation. Everyone knew the
name of this company, and everyone knew it was a great company. At the
time, I had a less nuanced notion of status more than I do
now, and I figured my great job for a high status corporation would net
me major points on the dating scene. After five months of grinding it
out in college town nightclubs three or four nights a week as just
another student trying to pick up girls, now, at last, I had the magic
pass: I was a high prestige, high
status, money-making machine!
My first month in my new town of Washington, D.C., I made sure every
girl I met found out where I worked and what I did. I did it in a
smooth way; I wasn’t socially awkward about it. I made sure the girl
asked me first where I worked, before I said anything. Most seemed
impressed; I’d often get raised eyebrows and a pleasant, “Oh!” And
when, after a few weeks, I received my business cards, I felt confident
I was about to become unstoppable with girls. I often took to handing
these out to women after I’d made a great first impression, confident
they’d fast get back in touch.
Contents
1. How Do You Know Women Care?
4. Women Want the Standout Guy
Yet within a month, I’d stashed my business cards away in the corner of a cabinet somewhere; not a single girl I’d given a card to had texted or called (and I’d given out a lot of cards). I quit mentioning my company or position to girls altogether. But I hadn’t learned my lesson quite yet. A year-and-a-half later, I went down the same status symbol road with my sleek Mercedes-Benz, and ended up at the same destination: after a month or so of showing it off, I soon shelved “the Mercedes approach” and began to hide my car from girls instead.
The reason why was the same both times: when women found out I had a
good job, or a nice car, they didn’t put out. Dates were more awkward;
sex would not happen. Sexual vibes were almost impossible to create.
These status symbols, impressed as my friends and coworkers were, worked against me with women.
That’s the paradox: make more
money, buy more expensive things, and... get laid less.
But why should this be, when everything you see on TV, the commercials, and the movies says it’s supposed to work completely opposite to this?
Gay bars are wonderful places to meet girls. But more than this,
they teach you about women’s true nature – and sexuality.
Reading Hector’s fantastic piece on why women like homoerotic men, I must say that I agree with his points. I found his theory on how bi-sexual and homoerotic men can come across as more dominant very interesting.
I am personally not that bi-curious. That said, I am very comfortable with physical contact; I don’t mind if a gay guy touches me, even on intimate areas. It is “just touching,” after all. Some women find homoerotism hot – but not all. However, every woman does find men who are comfortable with their sexuality hot. If a man is comfortable with a dude touching him, one can easily conclude that he is not only a very sexual guy, but also very confident.
It also displays that one does not have stuck-up beliefs related to sex and that one is most likely not homophobic (women find homophobia very unsexy). It conveys non-judgmental attitudes in regards to sex, which helps women allow themselves to open up sexually to you.
So I decided to write a follow up with my own thoughts on this topic. Since 2011, after doing a sociology assessment with a lesbian girl in senior high school regarding the gay-environment, I have not only been fascinated by gay clubs, but I have also become a regular in them. There are a few reasons for this:
Many gay clubs have a better women/men ratio than straight clubs
Hotter women
More sexual vibe
Less bullshit (less “bitchshield”) – women have their guards down
Based on all this, gay clubs can seem like a paradise... but there are some downsides, too:
They can sometimes become sausage fests (for obvious reasons)
Gay guys can be serious cockblocks – directly messing things up for you (especially if they are into you)
Gay guys can oftentimes be ultra annoying – i.e., constantly popping up and wanting to drink/dance with your girl while you’re trying to seduce
Gay clubs can be chaotic
You never get “freebies” (as in ovulating horny girls); those usually go to places they are most likely to meet someone (not gay clubs) – in other words, in gay clubs, it is all about skills
You need to pass the “are you gay” test all the time – and believe me, women will test you hard on this one
You need to have a good response to the “why are you in a gay bar” question
But apart from all this, I find gay clubs interesting. The vibe is uniquely good and sexual in very intriguing way.
I can write many guides on meeting women in gay bars/clubs if so desired (let me know in the comments section).
I think it is pretty niche. However, there are valuable lessons I learned in gay bars that helped me tremendously in becoming better in all venues.
If you want to know what her type is (so you may more easily date
her), you’ll have to ask her a few questions, first.
“What’s her type?”
I have mixed views on the question.
In one way, you need to figure out her fantasy and then become that. You need to adapt to specific women. If she’s a fit snow bunny, it would behoove you to have spent some time at the gym (which is probably where you’d meet her anyways); also, maybe have a few tattoos, be a bit over-the-top with your masculinity, and a bit aloof.
At the same time, you can’t be every girl’s type. Even if you want to be the Übermensch of seduction, you can’t be everything at once.
But I think I’ve come up with a solution. There are three parts to this.
Figure out her type
Understand the difference between tokens and types
Decide how far you want to go
You don’t need to go out for long outings, or make meeting women
super hard. All you need to improve is a mere 30 minutes a day – every
day.
For those of you who seek to truly master your skills with women and reap the benefits of those skills, how often do you go out?
Do you go out a couple days a week, once a week, once a month?
I used to slack off at times. There was a time I only had the willpower to go out and take one major blowout before calling it quits and going home for a while.
It is hard to be consistent, especially when you are new at this and you have to combat years of social conditioning telling you it’s a bad thing – or painful – to talk to strangers.
Back when I first started in the sector of learned success with women, I would only go out a few days a week, and progress was slow, if non-existent. With my mistakes so far spread out, it was hard to see patterns and make meaningful corrections. But what could I do? Go out every day? That would be insane, I thought.
Jadedness and cynicism can go hand-in-hand with the playboy
lifestyle. But they don’t need to; it’s more effective to bring light.
Sometimes I encounter a funny problem with guys.
Their fundamentals are in good shape. They have reams of passive value and are all around attractive men, if you go by appearances.
And they’re great on the technical / social aspect of meeting women. Their game is tight, they move confidently through the seduction process, and they have great technique.
Yet they have this nagging issue where they consistently fail to get results they want.
Maybe they get laid, but not with the girls they want. Or they get
the girls they want, but they won’t hang around. Or maybe they do
everything right, they think, but women reject them far too much.
It’s bizarre, because everything looks good on paper with the guy. But he just isn’t doing all that great.
Then you get to know the guy a bit better and you figure it out: oh. He’s negative.
It’s just a little mindset difference. Negative vs. positive. Wouldn’t think it’d have much impact on your dating success, right? But it does – it has a large influence.
Today we’re going to examine why.
Are you born talented, or do you learn it? Varoon reviews the
book… plus why some men succeed as others flounder.
Throughout the history of the Girls Chase boards, I and some others have noticed two kinds of people who post:
Guys who ask few specific questions but are desperate to become perfect in dating right away, hoping to get from A to Z – right away, right now. They fixate on acquiring all the information ASAP to “beat the final boss” in the dating game, yet they never seem to post reports or focus on specific areas they need help with. They don’t want to play the game and learn it themselves over time, as all woman-experienced men have done. Over a period of months, they ask the same questions over and over without ever field testing advice given by guys with experience. Typically they get frustrated over their lack of results... and quit.
Guys who put forth specific situations and ask very specific questions, then listen to and immediately follow the advice they get. These guys have accepted and evaluated their current strengths and weaknesses, and they know exactly where they need to grow. These guys are asking lots of questions that are very pointed to specific areas needing improvement, and after they learn something new, they go field test it, over and over until they get it right. These guys have field reports popping up repeatedly with new questions or new skills. They post frequently but also demonstrate improving results.
I’ve always noticed that those men who’ve grown steadfastly and quickly tend to be the second type of guy. And in addition to the big pushes from Chase and others to go and practice rather than simply reading GC and learning, I discovered that I and those men have grown more through focused effort. In effect, we were training our behavior through live practice and feedback from the women around us.
Then I started reading Talent is Overrated by Geoff Colvin. This book argues that no human being is inherently talented; instead, we become extraordinary only through focused and deliberate effort. Everything clicked.
We’ve talked about this before in How to Master Anything. One of the tools that will get you the best, most consistent results in the long term in ANY field or exercise – including the art of attracting women – is deliberate practice.
What do you do if you have a small penis? Does size actually
matter to women? See what the science says… And how to stop worrying
about this.
In “Men are Penetrators. Women are Receivers”, Pedro García requests:
“Chase,
It would be greatly appreciated if you did an article on penis size. I know that it seems pretty random(or maybe it’s seeing the word penetrate a lot in this article) but I think that it’s a topic that needs to discussed... Please craft something of that nature in the future. Thank you!”
And in “How Can I Get to the Sex Part?”, a reader named PH asks, in part:
“Could you do an article on penis size? I was thinking a lot of guys have an average size penis because average is average so how does that compare to guys who have bigger ones v smaller ones for seducing a girl or a relationship.
My biggest hang up is having a relationship with a girl who has been with a bigger-package guy and I can’t compete because she can never feel it as much as the other guy so she’ll never have as good a time haha. ”
So today we’ll cover penis size.
This is a somewhat weird topic to touch, because it folds in a bunch of men in different places. Men affected by small penis concerns include:
Men whose penises may or may not be small, but they’re worried they are
Men whose penises actually are small, and they’re worried about this
Men who struggled to get women off, and fear maybe their penises are small
Further, this is almost exclusively a sexually inexperienced man problem. I’ve yet to meet or hear of a man with 15+ lays who worries much or at all about his length or girth. I’m sure there are a few out there, but they’re pretty darn rare. Regardless whether your penis is small or not, once you’ve been with enough women, you usually don’t much care about this.
Contents
1. The Science of Small Penises
2. Sexual Success > Penis Worries
In a way, it’s kind of like being the beginning piano player who
worries his fingers are too thick. Or the rookie running back whose
40-yard dash is below average and worries he might not get picked for a
team. Once you’re getting results in the thing, these concerns melt
away because they stop being relevant.
So, my general advice to guys is, “Worry about doing better with girls, work on your sexual technique so you are getting girls off regularly... and you are not going to care about this anymore once you do.”
If you don’t care about the details, and just want the gist, that’s it right there. You can stop reading here. Go level up with girls, go level up your bedroom technique, and you’ll think it was silly you ever worried about penis length or thickness.
But if that isn’t enough for you, and you’re talking yourself out of talking to girls because you’re afraid they’ll be disappointed with your manhood, or you won’t be able to satisfy them, then lets disabuse you of those notions.
We’ll begin today with a look at where science stands on penis size, and go from there.
How does Buddhism relate to dating? While you refine your
persona, you must put on a “false face”… Yet as you do you deceive
yourself, as much as others.
I was talking to a coaching client of mine the other day. He expressed to me how badly he wanted to be a “seduction machine” and that he was willing to do anything to reach that level.
I smiled. His enthusiasm and drive was uplifting. Also, he was willing to pay good money for probably one of the most important skills a man can have in his life: the ability to connect with women emotionally, romantically, and sexually; that is a sign of drive if anything is.
However, progress is not so simple. Or, to put it another way, it is far simpler than you can imagine.
In his imagination, he had this grand idea of “the master seducer” – a version of himself that is everything he’s ever wanted it to be: to have a voice that sizzles women’s ears and makes their pussies tremble, to walk and move with the grace and power of a seasoned warrior, to have eyes that undress women literally and emotionally, and to have a voice that commands them as though Zeus himself demanded their obedience.
Unfortunately, this self is a mirage. Fortunately, it is also closer to you than your skin and your bones.
This is not a contradiction. Contradictions are when one thing needs to be right, and you say both are. This, instead, is a paradox: both statements are correct yet seem contradictory.
And it’s been my experience that if you are following a path of inquiry and have not yet reached a paradox, you haven’t gone far enough.
