Confidence

How does Buddhism relate to dating? While you refine your persona, you must put on a “false face”… Yet as you do you deceive yourself, as much as others.

I was talking to a coaching client of mine the other day. He expressed to me how badly he wanted to be a “seduction machine” and that he was willing to do anything to reach that level.

I smiled. His enthusiasm and drive was uplifting. Also, he was willing to pay good money for probably one of the most important skills a man can have in his life: the ability to connect with women emotionally, romantically, and sexually; that is a sign of drive if anything is.

However, progress is not so simple. Or, to put it another way, it is far simpler than you can imagine.

In his imagination, he had this grand idea of “the master seducer” – a version of himself that is everything he’s ever wanted it to be: to have a voice that sizzles women’s ears and makes their pussies tremble, to walk and move with the grace and power of a seasoned warrior, to have eyes that undress women literally and emotionally, and to have a voice that commands them as though Zeus himself demanded their obedience.

Unfortunately, this self is a mirage. Fortunately, it is also closer to you than your skin and your bones.

This is not a contradiction. Contradictions are when one thing needs to be right, and you say both are. This, instead, is a paradox: both statements are correct yet seem contradictory.

And it’s been my experience that if you are following a path of inquiry and have not yet reached a paradox, you haven’t gone far enough.

It takes time to be sexy. Yet while you’re working on it, there’s no reason for you to go dateless in the meantime.

Writing on the Girls Chase boards, a member by the name GottaChange says:

“From what I’ve seen around the only men who manage to consistently bed women using a normal “person-to-person” frame are men who are particularly good-looking according to society’s modern criteria. It is as if their looks takes care of the attraction for them and they can just worry about having a normal interaction and move things towards sex.

All the other guys (the average-looking ones) being successful with women are, from what I have seen, those who are able to arouse women by projecting masculinity and sexuality and be consistent with it during the whole interaction. They aren’t faking it, they ARE like that.

I know for some of you this is easy if not natural, but for me this is very very hard. I can open girls using a friendly/warm/playful vibe but this doesn’t lead me anywhere. We keep bantering until she either sees me as a new friend or she loses interest and goes away.

Yeah, rarely I have had women becoming sexually interested in me even if I was just being normal and friendly, but it’s not something I can rely on regularly like I see good-looking guys do. I need to structurally change something about myself, and that’s why I chose this nickname.”

So, this is not going to be an article on how to be sexy. We already have a bunch of those – here’s a few, for starters:

• How to Be a Sexy Man
• Constructing Your Sexy Vibe (and Making Girls Go Nuts)
• Sexual Tension: 7 Ways to Make Women Excited and Randy
• Darius’s Sexy Man’s Grooming Guide Series
  
• Alek’s Sexual Tension Series
  

Rather, this will be an article on patching things together in the short-term, before your sexy self has emerged from the sexpot chrysalis.

We touched on the lack-of-sexiness problem yesterday a bit in my massive troubleshoot post “What to Do When Your Approach Just Isn’t Working.” However, I want to give it its own treatment in article form. Partly so you don’t have to read 12,000 words to find the one paragraph that talks about it. But also because it needs highlighting – what you don’t highlight often goes unnoticed.

One of the points we harp on a lot on Girls Chase is the value of being sexy. When you are sexy, girls become... pretty straightforward. You have clear sexual value on offer that appeals to women:

• Women who’d like a boyfriend like you appreciate it

• Women who’d like a friend like you appreciate it too

• And women in need of sexual release really appreciate it

Most men appreciate sexual value too. They tend to view it as ‘charismatic’ or ‘cool’. Being sexy is a boon all around.

There’s just one problem. It takes time to develop that sexy vibe if you don’t have it yet. I think it took me eight or nine months to get mine to the point where I saw noticeable changes in how women received me. So what are you supposed to do in the meantime? Scratch days off your calendar and watch the seasons pass?

Obviously, that’s not so desirable.

Instead, you’re going to have to find some other ways to make girls want to do things with you.

What do you do if you try to improve with women, but nothing seems to work? There are 8 reasons this happens – and you can beat them all.

Girls Chase has been around for almost nine years. We’ve collected hundreds of case studies, success stories, and testimonials over the years, both solicited and not, from guys about all the wild successes they’ve had with girls after finding this site. Our Field Reports board on the Girls Chase forums is a testament in its own right – just go through and read all the (probably thousands now) lay reports on the boards. But sometimes, guys struggle.

Kalyan, longtime reader (and coaching student of Hector Castillo’s) writes:

“Hello,

This is Kalyan, longtime GC fan, and I have a small issue. I am a rather good-looking guy, I’ve got some of my vibe as a man down and I don’t take shit from people. I have good style and I am not afraid to walk up to anyone.

I’m taking coaching from Hector and there are a bunch of things we’re working on (I’m good but not perfect!), but there is something which is sort of discouraging me.

Over the past 2 months I did around 150 approaches. I’d set goals and go at them. And typically I’d use direct openers. However, out of these 150 approaches (mostly day game), I was able to get 8 dates or so, and only like 4 make-outs (2 have been same night pulls).

Many girls would smile at me when I asked for their numbers and give these happily, only not to reply to my first text. This happened like 60 times. Other times I get “I have a boyfriend”. I would be frustrated at this, but when I go out, it’s a new day, I don’t carry it with me.

Now, most of the dates I got were girls who weren’t really sexually interested in me, which suggests that the girls who are interested in me sexually rejected me for not being sexual, so I have to be sexual. Got it, working on it. But my point is, it really doesn’t make sense to do such a huge number of approaches and not get any result at all – the sheer volume should be enough. I’m not saying that I “deserve” more; I know we need to improve, but something doesn’t add up here.

So I was thinking of:

– an article about “what it means when all your approaches don’t end in the bedroom” – or something similar

– advice or relevant articles on this subject (I’ll also cover this with hector).

Thanks”

Kalyan’s not the only one I’ve heard from recently about problems or frustrations. We’ve had guys both on the forums and who’ve left comments or emailed in recently to say they’ve been trying to use the material here and just aren’t able to get it to work. Some of these guys have been at it a few months; some of them say they have tried for years.

So let’s talk about what to do when things aren’t working the way you want them to work, expect them to work, or hoped they would work. This post is for the guys at risk of being left behind. The ones who’ve studied, labored, and sweated it out, but failed so far to achieve the results they want.

This article you’ve opened up is 12,000 words long. That makes it one of the five longest essays on Girls Chase as of writing (there are over 1500 articles on this website). It took me six hours to write, and another hour and a half to edit and proofread. I wrote it for two reasons: the first is because we need an article on here to be able to point guys to when they’re struggling. The second is because, while I cannot personally ensure every guy who comes here is going to succeed, I don’t want anybody failing who truly wants this. If you’re putting the work in, I want you to win. I want you to clear any hurdles and get the brass ring.

I can’t promise you this article will turn things around for you. Much of that is going to be up to you. If you and I knew each other in person, and I had enough time to spend with you, there’s a fair chance I could put you on my back and carry you to success. Yet there are tens of thousands of men who’d like me to do that for them, to only one me... and the one me there is is very busy. The best I can do at this point is outline the common problems, lay them all out for you, and hope that when you see them laid out here, some light bulbs go off for you, and the gears in your head start to turn again.

So let me do my best to shine more light on the pitfalls for those guys who are trying to climb their ways out.

Anyway, no further ado. Let’s dive in.

If things aren’t going right, it’s easy to stress out and panic with a girl. But to succeed with her, you must remain level headed.

This is one of the more difficult topics to write about, because it’s one hard to not have folks adopt an extreme position on. People (though surely not you, Dear Reader) read stuff on the Internet and adopt extreme positions all the time, because it’s hard to judge context from words on a screen. No tone, no subtext.

One example of this is the mantra move faster. Most men don’t move anywhere near fast enough most parts of their courtships. And pretty much every guy could stand to move faster on something. Yet not every guy takes this advice the right way. Some hear “move faster” and start to rush themselves (which you shouldn’t do).

Other men hear “move faster” and speed up parts of their courtships they already move plenty fast on, while they ignore the areas most in need of acceleration. Maybe a guy runs his interactions up to the point of the phone number exchange at a perfect speed, but then on his dates he takes way too long. So he decides to speed up his early interactions to try to get phone numbers even faster, while hardly tweaking his date speed... the end result being he messes up the part he had right, while failing to improve on the part he had wrong.

Obviously, we don’t want you doing stuff like this, where you fix what isn’t broken and leave broken what is.

So today, I want to talk about the “I’ve got to get to X!” reaction. This reaction gets into your head and pushes you to find a way to make X – whatever X is – happen as fast as possible. Often X is sex, as in, “Come on, I’ve got to kill this boring conversation before she loses interest and get this girl to sex!”

The cautionary note is going to be this: we need to get you to continue to move things forward toward sex, without having you completely hung up on trying to figure out how to make forward progress toward sex. The objective here is not to strip you of the goal of “sleep with this girl” and get you into some kind of aimless “just talk to girls and feel good” mindset. You will still have the aim of bedding girls.

Rather, the objective of this essay is to get you to realize unhelpful thoughts mid-seduction, and turn them in a more productive direction.

In this episode of Dating Mechanics, I talk with Dr. David Tian, PhD holder, founder of Aura Dating Academy, and good friend of our own Chase Amante for over 10 years.

The word ‘sensitive’ has lost it’s old meaning. It now means something weak or womanly. But what it used to be was something so much more.

I think we need to reclaim the word ‘sensitive’.

The word no longer means what it’s supposed to mean.

Somewhere along the line, it grew warped, twisted. Perverted. Now, if you call a man ‘sensitive’, it’s a backhanded compliment, at best. You’re calling him a motherly nurturer. At worst, you’re saying he overreacts, is too emotional, and too womanly.

But it hasn’t always meant this. And in fact, the concept it used to describe – a concept we no longer have a perfect word for in English anymore, if we yield ‘sensitive’ completely to too-soft men and guys who think the friend zone is the surest path to sexy times – is one every man who wants to do well socially, romantically, or sexually must ultimately strive to make use of, or perpetually struggle.

Some men argue that to learn game is to be a “slave to pussy”. Is this argument valid? Or is it a flawed argument that misses the big picture?

If you’ve been working on your game for any not too-short period of time, you’ve probably heard the Slave to Pussy™ Argument. That argument goes something like this:

“Don’t waste your time on girls, you’re just being a slave to pussy. Instead you should be hunting, fishing, working out, stacking money, and making something of yourself. Let the women come to you.”

I suppose you might also call this the Field of Dreams Argument: if you build it, they will come.

Get rich enough, jacked enough, and masculine enough first. Then, girls will begin to pop into your life all on their own.

Obviously, if you know me, or this website, you know I’m going to tell you this argument is bunk. The idea that you don’t need to learn game to do better with girls (or put in the practice to solidify that game) is one we’ll tear apart here.

But before we even dive into these arguments, I’ll point out one simple flaw of this argument. That is its setup of game (learning to do well with girls) and fundamentals (turning yourself into a man with attractive passive value) as two opposing, mutually exclusive forces – when the truth is, these two forces are complementary. That is to say, learning game does not stop you from working out or stacking money; and you should develop yourself in multiple ways (yes, learn game, but also lift, and improve your financial prospects too. And read a lot of good books). We’ll dive into this further below... But first, a comment on the men who don’t even think your fundamentals are worth improving.