Insights from the Mind of a Seducer

Her Ex-Boyfriend’s Still in the Picture: What to Do?

A commenter on "Why Chasing Women Doesn’t Work" writes:

just over a two months ago i was intruduced to a girl by a couple i know, started off texting and getting to know each other. when we first met it was fantastic, got along great , we have met up every weekend since. As we have got to know each other a bit more and opened up to each other, she has a few issues with one of her ex partners who she left for stealing from her. (she was engaged to him )

she is in the process of talking to him again and getting her stuff back, but now i feel on the outer with her , hardly talks to me ect. i feel ive done somthing wrong i dunno, it all started great ,told each other how we feel , she stated she isnt ready for a relationship 'just yet', which i respect and kinda understand. I dont no if i should keep trying to talk to her or just give her a break and wait till she gets in touch with me .

Now, for this commenter's situation specifically of course, the problem's compounded by a lack of moving fast enough and attraction expiring. Those will cause the slow death of a potential relationship every time, ex-boyfriend or not.

her ex-boyfriend

But when her ex-boyfriend is in the picture, this is particularly exacerbated - because everything you have the might be good with her is less good, and everything that isn't the best gets worse.

Ex-boyfriends, in any way, shape, or form, are invariably bad news for any kind of relationship you want to get going with girls.

How to Make and Find Female Friends

In "Guy Talk: Here's How to Kick Butt at Talking to Other Men," JFav (a commenter singlehandedly responsible for perhaps 20% of the "a reader writes in" type articles I've written here) writes in asking about how to make female friends:

female friends

Hey Chase,

Was reading through this article again and it's great stuff! Can't believe I haven't been using it all this time. Though as I was reading though a thought popped into my head, could there be a companion article to this concerning women?

I'm not sure if what I'm asking isn't already covered on here but I thought I'd ask anyways. I've always been fascinated with those guys that just get women and can instantly turn them into a friend or ally. Much like the way you said you can turn any man into an ally I'm sure you can do that with a woman too.

So, I was wondering if you could a write up on this kind of thing. You talked about this subject briefly in Girls Chase ebook where you compared the female and male conversational style.

I'm asking about this because I'm in a spot in my life where being active in pick up difficult for me so having some female companionship in terms of having invites to parties or clubs is my best bet right now.

And just the other day, Ryan had a similar question in the latest Carnival of Dating Advice:

Hey Chase,
I was wondering if you could write an article about what to do if you want to be good friends with a girl. All your articles have been really helpful but i'm not sure how to apply the techniques to a girl whom seducing would be inappropriate, but you still want her to admire and respect you as a good friend. Could you write something about this please? Thank you :)

JFav and Ryan are right - there isn't an article on Girls Chase yet about turning women into friends - so let's correct that situation.

When to Use Black and White Thinking (and When Not to)

In "Your Mental Model is Flawed," Lu asks a great question:

Chase, I like your analysis of how there is no black and white between what is good and what is evil, because both are seen in different lights by separate cultures, societies, and individuals.

However, do you think having this "black and white" mentality is good for other areas, such as leadership? I feel like in moving your interactions forward with women, or in business, you're either going to do something, or you aren't. A gray area when it comes to leading, I believe, would be a sign of indecisiveness.

A response on how you have become a leader, not just with women but in all areas would be greatly appreciated. Keep up the good work!

Black and white thinking's a fascinating topic. The psychological tool of black/white thinking is extremely powerful, though it rests normally on an incomplete view of the world. However, it's somewhat essential at some degree to progress and motivation in anyone.

black and white thinking

Understanding something like black and white thinking, the question really does become, "How deep down the rabbit hole do you want to go?"

Particularly if you really want to wrap your head around why people do it and why it has such a powerful hold on people's minds, you'll find the rabbit hole on this one goes rather deep.

And the truth with black and white thinking is, even the most fair-minded of individuals employes it to some degree to get anything in his life accomplished other than simply lie in bed.

Girls Chase 2013 Site Renovation Complete


I'm pleased to announce after what seemed like interminable months of work (and a week of 18-hour days this past week with very little sleep), we've at last, somewhat behind deadline, completed updating to bring the site into the 20-teens.

site renovation launch

My hat's off to everyone for putting in a big push at the end, and an extra special thanks to Mike from Greece, our guy on the IT end who built a custom metered paywall system for us after half the paywall companies wanted an ungodly chunk of subscription revenues and the other half simply didn't bother responding to customer inquiries. Mike, you're a life saver, and a hell of a coder.

I'll be back to writing posts and responding to comments and interacting on the boards again in a day or two... I'll grab a little rest and pay off a bit of my sleep debt and be back here before you know it.

In the meantime, have a look around the new site - I hope you'll find it cleaner, simpler to use and navigate around, and an overall more welcoming and usable experience than the previous version of the site was.

Welcome to the Girls Chase of 2013, gentlemen.


Carnival of Dating Advice, 18th Edition

carnival of dating advice

We now present the 18th Edition of the Carnival of Dating Advice... now fully legal (age of consent joke there), bringing you some of the best articles on pickup, dating, seduction, psychology, relationships, and other fun, related things from across the blogosphere.

This name of the game for edition's articles is "practical" - from Jon Rhodes's piece on spotting a liar, to Liz Leia's piece on spotting gold diggers, to Sulagna Dasgupta's on spotting which men are interested (for the ladies, that is), you'll be walking away from today's collection of articles with your antennae pricked and your senses trained to interpret all manner of different signals from the people around you.

Without further ado then, on with the carnival...

New Site Design and Business Model: Live in 7 Days

new site design: coming soonHowdy gents,

It’s a little later than promised, but we are finally almost ready to roll out the new Girls Chase site design and content subscription plans. Most of the major work on setting up the subscription model and building the new site design and layout is finished, and we’ll be spending the remainder of this week putting the polish on, fixing up a few odds and ends that still need completing, and testing everything out to knock out any last bugs or glitches we come across.

If you didn’t catch my 2013 announcement for our new upgrades this year, you can read the original announcement here: “Changes for Girls Chase in 2013.” (and if you’re reading that for the first time and find you have questions, make sure to check out the rather lengthy comment section – there are somewhere close to 50 reader comments and questions on there, and I set aside what amounted to a full work day to make sure they were all satisfactorily answered)

Our go-live date for the Girls Chase relaunch is Sunday, 10 March 2013 – exactly one week from today.

Bitter Women: No, They Are Not “Everywhere”

bitter womenLately, the team and I have found ourselves moderating a lot more negative comments on the site than usual. Some of these are from people who believe that seduction is wrong, but a growing number are from people who believe that it's impossible for men to learn how to get women because all women are bitter women who simply aren't interested in men.

It's kind of a strange but interesting viewpoint. On the one hand, clearly SOME women are interested in men, since there're a little over 7 billion of us human beings on the planet. If you look around at the sheer volume of human beings around you - all products of a man picking up a woman at some point in his life, having sex with her, and impregnating her - you start getting the feeling that at least some women somewhere are open to meeting men. At least a couple billion of them, anyway.

On the other hand, I realize that there are some jaded women out there. I see the terms "bitches" and "feminazis" thrown around a good bit as examples of terrible people who make men feel bad about themselves. But, honestly, I have a really hard time meeting any women like this in real life - for the life of me, I don't know where all these "bitches and feminazis" who hate men actually are.

And even if they really exist... I only have one question for the guys who are so upset about them: who said you had to date those girls?

Resistance to Sex: The 4 Different Flavors

Yesterday's article about when you should have sex mentioned part of a female reader's comment on the article "I Don’t Chase 'Em, I Replace 'Em." The comment, though, was actually a fair bit longer than that, and touched on another subject too:

While I agree that the 'replace' mentality is efficient for picking up large quantities of women in a short time, I think it limits the quality of the women. I can categorically say, that there is a strong correlation between a woman's desirability status and the extent to which she will require a man to chase or demonstrate interest/value.

Our commenter here has a very valid point - however, the nuance to that point is what interests us most.

resistance to sex

Because, as you will see, how resistant to sex a woman is depends upon:

  • The quality and quantity of her choice with men, and
  • How this man in particular stacks up against her other options

... and that even among resistances, there are very different kinds of resistance to sex, and these are based far more on the woman's level of sexual experience with men, and her level of experience with a man who makes her feel the way this particular man does.

(if you're looking for an article on how to overcome this resistance, we've already got a great post up on it here - "How to Get a Girl in Bed: 10 Crucial Tips for Making Her Yours" - this piece is really about identifying the different kinds of resistance, understanding what each sort says about the girl you're getting it from, and understanding what you need to do and who you need to be not to get it)

Let's dive in.

When Should You Have Sex? Depends If You’re Him or Her

when should you have sexOne of our female readers commented the other day on the article "I Don’t Chase 'Em, I Replace 'Em," about not waiting around for women who aren't interested / are pushing things off indefinitely, saying:

Matt's letter suggested that you cut a woman off if she won't sleep with you on the first date... that cuts out a lot of good women, including me! If all guys thought like this, I'd never get a boyfriend (or laid) again!
(also, it should be noted, many men claim they 'won't date' a girl who will have sex on the first date, so you can't blame us for taking it slow)

The topic is one that's been brought up a number of times by male and female commenters here, and done so in a variety of ways. Because the general advice for men on Girls Chase is contrary to conventional advice (i.e., take women to bed as lovers fast, not slow), it tends to provoke excitement in some, but confusion, questioning, or ire in others.

So - when should you have sex?

We've discussed the process of women's attraction expiring for men who fail to move things forward fast enough, but are there other reasons a man ought to take things fast with women he likes, and not slow, as the advice from the mainstream instructs?

And what about for women - is it better for women to make men wait, and if so, how long?

Today, I'm exploring both sides - so buckle up.

How to Tell a Story that Rivets and Captivates

In 2001, I set foot inside a nightclub, just off the seashore in Ocean City, Maryland, for the first time in my life. It was senior week, the week after graduation from high school, and I was 18 years old... and my efforts to get my life on track were sputtering out. I'd tried everything else I could think of to learn social skills, to make friends, to get girls; but none of it had worked. I was liked, in my way - most of my classmates thought I was cool, or a curiosity... something of a high school legend. But I had no friends to speak of. I kept everyone at arm's length, fearful of substantial social interaction. I didn't even know how to hold a conversation with people. And unlike almost everyone else in my graduating class, I wasn't going to college come summer's end.

No one understood why one of the best students in school wouldn't go to college, with no job, and no backup plan, but how could they. They had their normal lives. Friends, girlfriends, parties, fun. Walking into a nightclub alone - an environment I'd never been in in my life - and walking out with a girl was my last resort. While the rest of my classmates drank and laughed and talked and partied with their friends and hookups and paramours, I struck out into the night on my own, driven and determined, on one last, hubristic, quixotic quest that was only ever going to end one way.

One of the older pieces of writing of mine still floating around on the Internet is a newsletter I wrote for theApproach back in 2007 called "Becoming a Great Storyteller." Because I already wrote something on it back then, and because much of the emphasis I've placed on Girls Chase is on getting others to tell you their stories more than it is to get you telling yours, I never took the time to get a proper treatment up for how to tell a story.

how to tell a story

If you've read through the other articles on this site, you've no doubt come across some of the more story-driven pieces here - one of the more classic examples of this being "Can't Stop Thinking About Her?" Storytelling is a key component of most things involving people - whether that's writing, teaching, or speaking; building connections with others, delivering speeches at political rallies, or shouting on high from the pulpit.

The best actors are storytellers.

The best bosses are storytellers.

The best authors are storytellers.

The best seducers are storytellers.

The best salesmen are storytellers.

The most powerful, compelling, magnetizing people from all walks of life are storytellers.

And if you'd like to join their ranks, to hold that candle up that flickers light onto the damp and dusty walls of intrigue and enchantment and fantasy and allure, to attract the minds of those trapped in lives of boredom and normality and sameness and deliver them a wake up call that snaps them at once to attention, then, to do that, you must know how to tell a story.