Escalation Windows


Just received the following email from a reader, who was kind enough to allow me to reprint here, preferring to remain anonymous. He asks:

Hey Chase,

I'm not sure if your one to give feedback to random readers of your blog but I was hoping I could get help with this girl. I met her at a party a week ago, and within about 5 minutes of meeting her I was making out with her. We leave the party soon after. I asked her to come back to my place and she declined because she had to get up early which I new was true. So I walk her back to her place and kiss her good night. Flash forward to this weekend where after a week of texting I get her to come over to a small party at my house. I play beer pong with her and talk with her somewhat but she seems very cold. I am able to touch her somewhat but when I do sexual things like touch her butt she moved my hand away. So she left my house pretty abruptly, and becuase I didn't want to see her go that easy I texted her the next day. She basically told me she didn't like me that much in the first place and doesn't want to talk to me anymore, very harsh! I don't know what I did to upset her so much. Also, is it possible to still see this girl again or is it done?

Ah, this sounds like something that used to plague me all the time when I was starting out. It feels super-confusing when it happens to you, too – why on Earth would a girl who really, really liked you one night suddenly pull a complete 180 and be cold to you the next time you saw her? It’s bizarre and mystifying to us, because as men we don’t act that way. Either we like a girl, or we don’t like her. We don’t really, really like her, and then suddenly we hate her guts and treat her like a leper. It does not compute with us.

What causes this reaction in women, though, is in fact the making of the most painful mistake you can realize you’ve made in seduction – having a girl who wanted you but with whom you missed the window to bed her in.


Escalation Windows and Auto-Rejection

An escalation window is the name for that period of time you have to move things forward with a girl. That is, it’s the moment where you can get a girl to talk to you, get her to move around with you, get her to go sit somewhere with you, get her to go home with you, get her to kiss you, get her to get intimate with you. And the thing with these windows is, most of the time, they don’t stay open long.

escalation-window.jpg

In social circle, these windows don’t stay open terribly long, and if you miss them you get slotted into the friend zone, which it’s always going to be a hell of a long slog to try and carve yourself out of and it’s always easier to just meet a new girl. Easier to just go buy a new drinking glass than try to glue together a shattered old one.

With a cold approach, or something close to it – any avenue really where you’re meeting women you don’t have strong social ties to and aren’t going to see on a reasonably regular basis – the window for escalation is even smaller, and women are less forgiving of failure to hit that window. Women you meet during cold approach often don’t have the social ties to still want to be nice to you after a window’s been missed; they’ll shut down and go cold and just pure resent you for not having given them what they wanted and needed. You become something of a reminder of their inability to get what they wanted.

When attainability drops too low – when a girl reaches a point where she feels like she just can’t get what she wants with you – she’ll go into something called auto-rejection, or self-rejection, which is where she, sensing that you don’t want her and won’t give her what she wants, will reject you first to prevent you rejecting her and her suffering that blow to her ego that accompanies rejection.

You can see this in yourself: have you ever gone up to talk to a girl, thinking, “Wow, she’s gorgeous!” only to have her shoot you down in a really cold way? You likely walked away, muttering something to yourself like, “Bah, who wants to have anything to do with a horrible person like that anyway?” That’s auto-rejection; she probably isn’t actually a horrible person, but now you think she’s bad and evil because it helps you justify why you aren’t with her. You aren’t with her because clearly there’s something wrong with her.

Women go through this too. If you take the example above from our reader, here’s a guy this girl was making out with in a party and whom she left the party with. Girls don’t leave parties with guys they’ve just met whom they’re only hoping to be friends with. She left the party because she wanted to sleep with him. When it didn’t happen, she most likely went home miffed at not getting what she wanted, went into auto-rejection, and started thinking to herself what a dreadful guy this guy she met was and how she didn’t actually like him at all.


Recognizing Auto-Rejection and Avoiding It

You know you’re dealing with auto-rejection when a girl who was previously very warm with you gets very cold. I remember this girl I really liked in college – she was this beautiful, smart Italian-American girl with a vivacious personality, a tiny waist, and the most perfect breasts I’d seen all year. Oh man, I had it bad for her. And I managed to flirt with her enough in class to win her over, and she started flirting with me pretty hard and even called me up one night to allegedly gripe about something in class and tell me that this was her cell phone number.

But this was back in the days before I’d even begun forcing myself out to meet girls, and I was still a big knucklehead when it came to women, and wasn’t sure what to do, so I did… nothing. And then the beautiful Italian girl just went ice cold on me. I’d run into her and try to flirt with her, same as I’d been doing, and she’d be dead serious with me and not warm and flirtatious and talkative like she used to be and she just had no time for me anymore. It drove me nuts, and never was able to fix it with her back then, but it forced me to start realizing that if you didn’t get a girl in a certain period of time, you’d lose her forever.

As noted earlier though, with girls you don’t know well, that time is not drawn out over months, as it was for me with that girl in my class I saw three days a week, but rather compressed into an evening, or hours, or sometimes even minutes. In “She Doesn’t Even Need to Know Your Name,” I mention a girl I left the bar I met her at with somewhere between 15 and 20 minutes after I’d first met her back in December. Which sounds like it must’ve been really easy, right? And indeed, it was very straightforward. But there were three moments in the quarter of an hour or so we spent together in that bar where an escalation window opened very briefly, and I leapt at it and moved things forward. Had I missed any of those three windows, we would not have slept together that night.

For instance, when I pulled her at the end, she asked me one question (“Where are you staying?”) after not having asked me anything else about myself since I first met her. My brain quickly ran through a few scenarios, and decided that if I tried to stay any longer and keep talking to her, the conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere, I’d miss the window, and she’d go cold and walk away, meet someone else, or go home. So, I stood up and told her to come with me and I’d show her the place I was staying at, and we went back there and became lovers.

The less a girl knows you, the more you must move fast with her. With girls in social circle, you can afford to dally a bit (though still not too long… if she’s on the market, it’s a safe bet that you’re probably not the only guy she’s available to, so if there’s another guy she likes who moves faster than you do, you’re out of luck); with girls you meet through cold approach, you’re afforded far less leeway.

You must move fast.

Moving fast and hitting escalation windows is the only way to avoid getting mired in auto-rejection. And it makes your life far easier, too: move fast with a girl who wants you, and you get together quickly, become lovers, and are happy together. Miss escalation windows with a girl who wants you, and suddenly she hates your guts, is acting cold to you, and you’re doing an extremely delicate balancing act simply trying to get her back close to the same level of warmth to you she had before when she was available to you and open to becoming yours.

It’s easier to buy a product when it’s still on the shelves than trying to get your hands on it somehow when it’s sold out and off the market and you’re scrambling around trying everything you can think of to get your hands back on it. You know the old phrase:

He who hesitates is lost.

We might rephrase it a bit here to say: “He who hesitates has lost the girl.


Pushing for the Close

Back to our good reader. He did ask for the close and asked this girl who left the party to join him at home, but she declined, saying she was tired. So why did she still go cold on him?

What often happens with women is that they want to be able to be a little coy and say “no” a few times and have the man persist until they “break” and go along with him. They don’t actually break, of course; if they really didn’t want to go with him, they’re not going to go with him against their will just because he asked five times instead of two. This is what we discussed in the post on “The Last 5%;” pushing for the close in the end and steering things to success in that critical final juncture. The most painful failed seductions you’ll have are the ones where the girl was yours but you didn’t push for it at the end and she slipped through your fingers.

Getting intimate with a man is a big decision for most women, and big decisions are like this. People sometimes get cold feet even with things they really know they want to do, and it’s your responsibility to help them stick to what they want and steer them through the rough patches.

Think of a man about to get married who starts feeling unsure, or a couple about to buy a new car that get gun-shy right before they pull the trigger and sign the contract. Think the bride-to-be is going to stand there on her wedding day and tell her bridegroom, “Oh, it’s okay, we can just do this later and you can think about it,” or that the car salesman is going to take the pen away from the couple about to sign the contract and tell them, “You know what, you can always take some time and come back later and we’ll just do it then?” Of course not. Because what do you think will happen if they do? That’s right, the bridegroom probably will never marry the bride, and the couple probably will never buy the car. Even if they were 98% sure they wanted it before, being that close to the edge and not jumping in makes them look back and say, “Well, I must’ve had a good reason for not doing it when I was right about to.”

As the man, it’s your responsibility to lead the women who like you to intimacy. Many women have mental walls they need you to help them overcome to get there, and doing that may include being persistent and allowing them to save face so that they can later say, “Well, I told him I was tired, but he still insisted on me coming home with him anyway and it just happened! I tried to get out of it!”

When I was first training myself up as a persistent guy, it helped me to imagine myself as a Latin or Italian man romancing some ravishing belle. In America, men are trained not to be pushy, so we’re much more hands off and if a woman says, “No, I have to get up early tomorrow,” we just accept it and back down, even if that’s not what she wanted us to do. Can you picture a Latin man or an Italian man letting it stand at just one refusal?

Italian: Come with me, bella donna!
Girl: Alas, I cannot, I must rise early tomorrow.
Italian: Oh, okay.

Silliness! Here’s how a romantic man runs this interaction:

Lover: Come with me, let’s have a nightcap before we call it a night.
Girl: Ah, I can’t, I have to get up early tomorrow.
Lover: You can come with me. We’ll spend but thirty minutes, then you can go.
Girl: But I’m tired!
Lover: The night must not end too soon! Thirty minutes; let’s go.
Girl: Okay…

Be prepared to persist up to ten or fifteen times if necessary, unless she is absolutely firm in her refusal to join you. If she’s waxing back and forth and clearly on the fence, that means she’s still open to the idea.

Don’t settle for a fuzzy “no” when you can get an “okay” instead.

Remember too that people will rationalize and justify whatever decision they make. Buy something you didn’t intend to buy? “Well, I was there and it just looked good.” Really wanted to take a trip, but you didn’t end up going? “Eh, I didn’t really want to go there that bad.” Women do the same thing with men, so you really must move quickly to avoid this happening to you.

I didn’t really like him all that much anyway,” is the last thing you want a girl thinking about you. Get together with her quickly to avoid this. Just another reason why you can’t afford to be putting things off.


Coming Back from Auto-Rejection and Missed Escalation Windows

Our reader did almost everything right with his girl. He got her excited about him; he moved things forward very quickly and got her out of there with great speed, and he invited her home. I might recommend not kissing her until she’s home with him, just because it generally makes girls get a bit more resistant to coming home with you because it makes them think, “Wait, we’ve kissed; what are we going to do when we get home? Oh no, I don’t want to look like a slut!” whereas girls you haven’t kissed are still just thinking, “Ooh, I really like this guy… I wonder what will happen or if he will do anything if I go home with him?” So you have a bit more management to do with girls you’ve kissed than you do with girls you haven’t kissed. But the kissing didn’t really hurt him all that much; she still left the party alone with him. The only reason he did not sleep together with his girl that night was because of the missed window to persist with her and close out on that last 5% of the seduction at the end. Otherwise, his speed and decisiveness is excellent.

None of that matters though when she looks back on the interaction and gets resentful for not getting what she was after that night. All she sees is a night she went out likely wanting to find an attractive man to sleep with, a man she met and was attracted to and left a party with and thought she was going to get together with, and then nothing happening at the end of the night… and she feels bitter about that.

How do you recover from such a situation? Not by chasing. Chasing only makes it worse. When she’s feeling bitter and resentful and telling herself that she doesn’t like you and didn’t really want you anyway, running after her and working to try and get her won’t turn things around; it’ll only make them worse.

Unfortunately, there’s actually no solid answer on how to recover from a mistake like this, and also unfortunately it’s one of the questions I hear the most: “How do I fix it with this girl who went cold on me?” It sucks, I know, I’ve been there more times than I can count. But just like it’s easier to avoid a car accident than it is to fix a mangled wreck, and it’s easier to keep a job you already have than it is to get back one you’ve lost, so it is with girls who like you: it’s far, far, FAR easier to get a girl if you get her while she still likes you, than it is to try and turn things around and find a way to get her after the window has closed.

I have turned it around with a handful of girls I’ve lost, and come close with a few others. But when a window closes, it is almost always absolute. You can bring it back if it’s just closed and you realize it; for instance, if you say something and she feels like you’re rejecting her and she gets snippy and says, “Fine, you know what, I’m over you,” and goes to leave and you stop her and you’re very warm with her without being needy or apologetic and you get her back feeling good again. But if time passes and she spends hours or days or weeks stewing over how much she hates your guts… 999 times out of 1000 you won’t turn it around.

I’ve made concerted efforts to turn things around with a few elite caliber girls I’d lost in the past, and one of the girls I successfully turned things around with became my girlfriend for a few years. At the time, I truly believed she was worth putting in the effort to try and turn things around with, and I was right. I recommend if you’re going to put the time and effort and mental footwork into trying to turn things around, you only do so with a girl who seems very, very worth it, because this has effects on you, too: the more time you spend working on a girl and investing time and effort in her, the more highly you will value her. You don’t want to risk making yourself start obsessing over some sub-par gal; I’ve seen that happen and it’s ugly (the guy usually ends up saying, “I don’t know what it is, she isn’t that great, I know, but I have all these feelings for her and I just can’t stop thinking about her!”). If you’re going to risk falling for a girl, make sure you think she’s worth it.

That said, if you go the route of attempting a turnaround, these are the elements I believe you must have to turn things around with a girl in auto-rejection you’ve missed windows with:

  • Total confidence and self-assurance. You must know without question that you are the best possible thing that could happen to her life, because she no longer believes this and will fight this belief and unless yours is stronger than hers, you will not change her mind.
  • Ability to express warmth and sadness without neediness or supplication. Kiss up to a girl, chase her, or act needy toward her or supplicate to her or apologize to her and you lose her for good or get slotted into nice-guy friend-zone land. You must show her that you care about her, and are sad that she is hurt / upset / leaving you / not spending time with you, but you must do it in an incredibly strong, completely non-needy way.
  • Time and exposure. You need to be physically around this girl. In most cases, you absolutely have to be around her so she can get some time being with you in your presence and reset her feelings toward you that built up in her when you were not around; e.g., she sees you in person and starts thinking, “Actually, he’s quite warm and not as horrible a person as I’ve been tagging him as.”

Additionally, there’s one, less simple, alternative to this, which is:

  • Eloquence and knowing her very well. If you both know her very well and you have a very good, very eloquent way with words, you may be able to turn things around over the phone, via text message, or in person. Some of the turnarounds I’ve had have come via text or email when I was able to show, in a very non-needy but still very warm way, that I cared about the girl and knew a great deal of things about her that no one else knew and that I understood why she had to go but that I was sad and would miss her.

If this seems extreme and hard… it is. Auto-rejection is one of the toughest situations to try and fix out there. The odds are stacked highly against you; it isn’t impossible, but it’s going to be like climbing Everest. The few times you see guys turn things around with girls they lost, it’s always a great story, and it seems like a triumphant moment, and the reason that is is because it’s so rare and almost never happens.


Light at the End of the Tunnel

Fortunately, this isn’t all sadness and loss and pain and hopelessness. Chances are, there are probably several hundred thousand to several million available women living in whatever city you’re in; even if you’re in a medium-sized town, there are going to be at least 10,000 to 20,000 women your age available. So so long as you keep meeting new women, you keep getting chances to do things right.

It took me years of messing things up before I started getting my act together and consistently springing at escalation windows whenever I saw them. For me, I used to spend a lot of time deliberating, telling myself, “It’s too soon to do something, if I do it might be too fast for her and maybe she’ll leave!” so I wouldn’t do anything, thinking I’d wait until later or the next date or next week sometime, and then I’d lose the girl and never see her again. Eventually this happened to me enough that I my thought process flipped to, “If I don’t move fast enough with this girl, I’m going to lose her and never see her again! I’ve got to try and get together with her now!” Hopefully you’re not as hardheaded as I am and it takes you less time / fewer hard lessons to learn this one than it did me.

That’s the way it goes though. You get fired from a few jobs, and you feel sad that you lost those jobs and can’t get them back, but you learn to do better at your next job. You wreck a few cars by driving carelessly, and you mourn the loss of those vehicles, and do a better job handling your next car. You lose a few girls by moving too slow and not persisting enough and missing escalation windows, and you feel bad about these girls going cold on you, but you resolve to do better next time and move faster and persist like a romantic man would and give these girls what they want from you: a night of passion and romance and satisfaction.

That’s the light at the end of the tunnel: you learn, get better, and improve. Oh, and our reader? I wrote him back recommending that he mostly focus on simply continuing to meet more girls, and he tells me that last Friday he threw a party at his house and did just that, sleeping with a cute new girl he met that night.

Here’s to your success, present and future, brother ;)

Chase Amante

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Comments

Luke's picture

Excellent advice.


Excellent advice.

M's picture

>Be prepared to persist up to


>Be prepared to persist up to ten or fifteen times if necessary
Really? I've tried to persist with going home, however not on the first meet. It made me lose all my value and girl hating me. Maybe I did something wrong..

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Persisting

Author

Hey M,

Two things on this one:

  1. Of course make sure you're persisting in a very cool, calm, charismatic and persuasive way. There's a lot of salesmanship in it! If you're doing it right ("Let's get out of here and go grab a nightcap; we can chill and relax and kick back a drink") it sounds a lot more appealing than if you're not ("Come on, let's go back to my place"). This is especially important when insisting -- you'll often have to get firm as things progress ("Yes -- come! It will be fun. Yes, you know you want to come. We'll have a very nice drink and relax. Come now. Yes, come").
  2. The girls who end up "hating" you were not girls you "lost." Girls who like you either A) come with you when you ask them to, or B) are flattered and excited that you tried to make something happen with them (because that's ultimately what they want, too).

    The girls that hate you when you push are the ones who were looking for you to be a guy who could help them and support them and be their friend -- not for you to be their lover.

In other words, be cool about it, but don't stress the ones you lose -- they weren't going to be a productive use of time (at least when it comes to getting lovers and relationships) anyway. They wanted a man to dote on them and provide for them, or to be their guy pal.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Missed the boat? Any help?


Hi Chase,

Some seriously good advice on this site - in fact it's the only reason I've had a chance with a really stunning girl I like after an unfortunately long sexual hiatus.

here's one mistake I think I may have made:

- So I met a girl (who is a friend of a friend) on a night out and we flirted etc. Some really nice chemistry and she was definitely interested.

- I finally got my act together over a month later (and after reading this website) and messaged her on facebook. After the xmas holidays asked her out, she said yes and gave me her number.

- I texted her soon after in the new year to try arranging the date but she said she had piles of work (she probably did) and she would get back to me if that was ok. I said it was ok staying warm and affectionate.

- She sent me a final reply saying she would *definitely* get back to me about getting a drink etc which was really nice, with loads of smilies, positive energy and it seemed like a done deal...

Here's the thing... I DIDN'T send a reply to this last text... In retrospect something to further communicate that it was all good by me would have been a nice reply to get. Especially after sending such a nice text letting me know she liked me and assuring that she would get back about the date etc.

anyway 2 weeks later she still hasn't sent me another text about meeting up... it has also now been over 2 and a 1/2 months since I met her. Have I messed this one up??

Anonymoushelper's picture

I'm no expert so please take


I'm no expert so please take the following advice with a grain of salt but what I think is happening is that you didn't take any action.

What I understand is that the last text she sent you stated that she'd be down for a meetup when her schedule clears up. However, it is up to you (the man) to pursue this. She isn't going to say, "Hey! I'm ready for the taking now!" You kinda have to check up on that.

I recommend reading Chase's article on "How to text a girl" and scroll down to the section on Cold Texting. See if she's available and plan the meetup/date yourself. Also check up the article "What to do when a girl doesn't text back". Scroll down and you'll see a section "DO be nonchalant". Here, you'll find a way to recover from this cessation in contact and maybe things would work out.

I'm currently going through something somewhat similar. The girl I'm after is working everyday till college starts (in a week) and I'm debating whether or not a lunch date is worth the time to get there (I'm in Brooklyn, she's in Queens) only for a chat an hour long and then she has to get back to work. I think a dinner or something small after her work is what I'll do. Thing is, she gave me HER number at the end of the semester (I hadn't even asked for it because I had one hour of sleep) and she showed much interest throughout the semester like talking, smiling, etc. (dumbass like myself didn't care to move forward). Now, it seems she has time for her friends but not for a date with me. Not really sweating it though. I got over obsession a while ago. We'll see how it goes...

Anyways, good luck Anon. Hope my advice helps any....

Anonymous's picture

She sent you a sweet email


She sent you a sweet email and you didn't reply? I don't think you are really into her. And she got that.

If you were interested, you would have responded. You sound like you are purposely botching these. You might try to figure out why. Make peace with it, and lay it to rest. Then when a girl you "think you like" sends you a bubbly email, instead of saying "the deal is done" realize that is when you make your your move.

It sounds like you might need to work on becoming more secure with yourself. Because from what you said, you were content with the attention and feel goods from this girl, but not more.

Maybe unconsciously you already established you weren't interested in her. Since it took you a month to follow up on it, to begin with. The details aren't that important, but it's important you know yourself

Anonymous's picture

Maybe she was one of the


Maybe she was one of the girls that is harder to find these days, the type that *isn't* interested in just having sex. In which case she would run a mile as soon as she could tell that's all the guy wants.

Chris Davis's picture

steps


Take it one step at a time. get to know her abit first and be really romantic. Sometimes take her out for a meal or go to the cinema and see where it goes from there. You never know she may ask you out instead.

Jim's picture

An escalation window that is impossible to meet


Hi Chase,

Here's an interesting one. Yesterday, I was passed what I now call a "self-sabotaging" escalation window...basically one that is practically impossible for the man to have met (her not knowing this), yet is put forward anyway.

I recently was chatting up one of the more beautiful women on OkCupid. We exchanged a few messages back and forth on Friday, and then while I was out later that night, she had sent me a message saying that she'd love to have a drink with me that night. At this time I wasn't even by my computer! Who would be on a Friday night?

So the next day I write her back and I let her know that I was already out at that time and couldn't possibly have known about it, but I reassure her, very nicely, that I legitimately would like to go out another time.

As soon as this message was sent, she went STRAIGHT online, so she was obviously waiting for it. But...she didn't get back to me.

How on earth does one meet an escalation window like that?! It's like she self-sabotaged herself in spite of my legitimately wanting to go out with her.

Any thoughts?

Anonymous's picture

Ya, Auto-Reject is Real


I'm impressed. Chase has it figured out. Here is why.

I'm a woman and went on auto-reject with a guy yesterday. To other women he has it all: model looks, super tall, charismatic, great personality, etc. For the past four weeks he's been a constant presence in my face, texting me, calling me, doing little tasks I didn't ask for, gazing deeply in my eyes with a goofy smile, complimenting me, the works. We're working on a movie together and he made a point of sitting by me anytime we went anywhere. However, I dumped and friend zoned him yesterday. Why, you ask?

Men, read carefully, because here is the answer:

- I made a direct comeon inviting him into the sack and he sat like a robot and stared at me, and did not get into said sack. My immediate takeaway from this was, "Guy who looks like model does not accept offer of free sex = Gay." (And what else would be the takeaway? What else could he be? Be real. If it's male and well-groomed and turns It down, it's gay. Period. Even if it doesn't know that yet. Trust me, it will.)

- I asked him if he was interested in me. He sat like a robot and stared at me, and did not reply. At all. Dead silence. He ignored the question. After hanging around me 24/7 to the point of being a bugaboo and blowing up my phone for four weeks, this is insulting. I wrote him off for good kinda right then. Life is too short for this kind of stuff.

- He started calling himself MY BROTHER.

That was the end. I kind of reindeer smiled at him with Rankin Bass Rudolph Puppet eyes, patted him on the head, put him on a certain list and went ice on him. Last night I sent him a text saying basically Cut - That's A Wrap. I said in my most charming way "thanks for making it clear where you stand with me. PS, I feel the same way, it's better we remain just friends, and from now on let's be exactly that only friends, because that would be awesome!"

I intend to ask him to go shopping at Yankee Candle Company and Bed Bath & Beyond with me sometime this weekend just to sink it in. Perhaps while out at such a store, he'll meet someone more his speed... which is likely his own gender.

This, Model Boy's actions above, gentlemen, is the way to get Auto-Rejected and Friend Zoned. If you want to get a girl, do not do these things. Because frankly, I don't care HOW "good you look".

YOU CAN AND WILL BE FRIEND ZONED.

A word to the wise is sufficient.

Dom's picture

the ah ahh moment


wow, after reading, it all makes sense..realized 3 things:
1. why some of the girls I talked to do for awhile/took on dates just all of sudden completely ignored the shit out of me out of nowhere
2. I suck at closing, and I see why
3. combine 1 and 2, now Iam confused and pissed at myself, oh well theres tomorrow i guess

JJ's picture

Breaking Out of Autorejection


Hi Chase! Great blog you've got here; I've been meaning to get a hold of a copy of your book! I have a question that I am hoping you can answer: I had a girl friendzone me because I was being too nice, and then I dropped out for a week and when I returned she was in autorejection. Where can I find some pointers or stories on breaking out of autorejection (other than not making them jealous)?

Anonymous's picture

that explains what just happened to me.


Very eye opening article as I'm kinda slow into the dating game and think I just recently encountered auto rejection..

couldn't comprehend what went wrong as my night out with the girl seemed to go well even though I went with a kiss instead of sex. "I hesitated as the girl had already shown some fickleness in the past"

that night after she left and the next day was some intense text exchanges about how she couldn't wait to see me again and wished we had done more our first date followed by 2 days of no contact "neither of us tried to get ahold of the other" to saying there was no spark and she wasn't even interested in a friendship.

as far as the long hard road to recovering from autorejection you mention being around the girl so they will hopefully see you're not as bad as they convinced themselves. but during these encounters do you try to make casual contact with them like nothing ever happened, or just be present but not really pay them any attention?

Anonymous's picture

Don't act like a coy girl, if you are a man pursuing a woman/gir


Men, if you are interested in a woman/girl. Do not ignore her if you are trying to get out of auto-reject.

At least if I read the situation correctly. She auto-rejected you because you maybe cut things short the first night. That is likely an excuseable offense. But then you didn't contact her for two days? Why?

Do you not really like her? Do you doubt yourself or your passion for connecting with her?

You said you hesitated initially too. I see three strikes already, if she picked up on the hesitation.

You may still have one last chance, but being in the same area as her and ignoring her is definately going to get you jerk status. Even if you are not interested, you should go up to her and say, in a genuine happy and non- needy way. Hi! It's great to see you. If you don't really want to see her again, say it like you mean it but in a casual way. And approach her when she is busy with other friends or people, and say it quickly, quietly, nudge her shoulder and gently push off quickly.

If you do mean, it wait until you can ger her undivided attention, like when she is wrapping up a conversation with someone else. Say the same thing but with slightly more vigor, and stick around to see what happens. If things go well and she smiles, or seems open.

THEN YOU MUST CLOSE. Preferably, with "what are you doing right now?" But you ask her what her favorite restaurant is? Then call her later that evening and ask her out for a night soon.

Best regards, but don't be a douche. :)

HMV's picture

I'm hooked on reading these


I'm hooked on reading these articles, Chase, and would love to hear more. I'm trying to not let windows pass me by right now with a cute coworker (a tough one in itself) who's clearly been giving me the gaze, friendly smile and hello every time she sees me. I was convinced I was in, but didn't know how best to take advantage of the situation. Fast forward, I got her phone number and asked her if she'd like to grab a drink, albeit not very smoothly. After a couple delayed texts, shot me a message saying basically "This would be a friendly coworker drink, not a date, because I'm unavailable in that department". Cue confusion and already feeling like I missed the boat, but have no idea why or how. I'm assuming I must've taken too long to step up, but man she was giving me the gaze.

Anonymous's picture

I'm hooked too


Damn, I know that gaze!

I would suggest following up for a drink, if she is special. When out on the drink, soon after you have both settled in with your drinks, ask her if she is seeing anybody? just say it casually. she what she says. she might say, well not really, but I don't think it's a good idea to date a co-worker. In which case, I'm not sure what you should do.. But it means you have a chance and wooing her.. either lighting fast, or slowly to respect her legitimate concern, but be persistent, yet not pushy. You could say, Yea, that is a concern of mine too, but I really like you.

If she starts gushing about a serious boyfriend or girlfriend (lol), let her finish, but quickly change the topic with a joke. You can tease her later about something to establish you could be interested anyways.

That's my 2 cents. But I have my own woesssss.. being too close I lack perspective. Love this site, such great insights!!!

Anonymous's picture

Missed an Escalation Window about 2 days ago.


The girl of my affection went cold & into auto-rejection almost instantly about 2 days ago after I missed an Escalation Window, I normally don't miss these signs but this girl is my first attempt at online dating & it's kind of hard to read her actions without seeing her face.

Luckily for me she seems to be warming back up, after 2 days of 1 word responses & myself always being the initiator of any conversations we had. I woke up to a flirty "Good Morning, ! <3" today.

As she continues to text me more & more, I can sense another window opening soon, this one I WILL NOT MISS. I'll win the heart & mind of this girl, then I'll show her the world.

Prehistoric's picture

Did I get it all wrong?


Hello Chase,

I just started reading your stuff, and I have to say it is very enlightening.

So, I am in the phase of starting to become more conscious about this whole women/dating/sex/relationship thing because I feel this part of my life is completely out my control. Both when I get the girl and when I don't, I can't seem to understand what I did right or what I did wrong. What made me successful one day and unsuccessful the other.

Here's my last (negative) experience:

I meet this expat Asian girl (I live in Europe) at this language school party. I had already talked to her in the past, but very shortly. The moment she sees me she seems very happy and social. There is also a little bit of playful touching... It all seemed to go very well, when at one point she starts looking away and constantly looking at her cellphone, until she sees this other person she knows and starts talking to him.

After this happened I thought to myself: maybe I crowded her to much, I felt too needy and I gave her too much attention..

But now I read your article and it seems to suggest is that I should have actually been more bold, asked her what was she doing that night or the weekend or something like that...

In order not to make a similar mistake with the next girl, I could really use some advice:

do I push too hard or do I not push hard enough?

doesn't this escalation windows theory put us at risk of actually going too far thus losing the girl?

Tomas's picture

What happens in woman's mind?


Hi Chase and guys,

is this thread still open? Chase, why does the escalation window close forever? Is autorejection forever? Is it that you are no more attractive or is it rather a mental issue a woman made of you? I think it's the latter, but I am keen to hear your opinion.

I once missed an escalation window. Indeed it was impossible to meet because she wanted sex and had time (and probably logistics). She was very attracted to me and the conversation and connection was fantastic. However, I told her then I had to leave after an hour and she got very frustrated and autorejected me after the date. It was very painful for me!

Half a year later, I ran into her online. I decided to make an experiment. I sent her a photo where she couldn't recognize me. I called her from another number and she didn't recognize me. She craved to meet me like the first time. Then we met. When she realized it was me, her face turned to confusion, disappointment and then anger. She almost yelled at me and didn't want to spend more then a moment together.

I asked her calmly why she behaved so. Why did she like me so much before that she wanted sex right away, why did she tell me I was exatly what she wanted... and then rejected me when I had to leave due to unexpected problem at work? She was unable to answer.
Then I asked - OK, so why did you want to meet me so much when I'm totally unattractive for you, as I can see? She seemed very confused, unable to answer.
Then I asked - OK, so does it mean you hate me for the rest of your life because you din't get sex from me? I wanted you too, but I had to leave! That confident woman wasn't even able to look into my eyes, she was only full of anger.

That's all Chase. What do you think, what psychology is behind it? Although this is not politically correct, I tell you that for me, this women's behavior is the most valid reason to move fast, get to sex as fast as possible and then decide if she's worth anything more.

Regards, Tom

Anonymous's picture

What I don't understand is if


What I don't understand is if the girl is keen to go out with a particular guy but the guy hasn't asked her out, then why doesn't the girl ask the guy instead?

The girl would expect the guy to do that.

Isn't that then a double standard?

Anonymous's picture

On some online first dates I


On some online first dates I have had women ask me the question, "where I am staying at?" Where do I live?" and this is most of the time within the first 5 minutes of meeting them so I am a little miffed. Sometimes they ask later in a interation. But it is a question that comes up time and time again.

I'd say I am a beginner in seduction. But are those escalation windows? I write off a girl asking me where I live in the first 5 minutes as an escalation window, but is it an escalation window? What about later in the date her asking me where I live? I am guessing that is an escalation window. If it is, any tips on something I could say that is smooth to ask her to come home with me.

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