(aside: apologies for my delays on responding to comments, by the
We’re doing a reshoot of several of the One Date lessons in May +
shooting a bunch of other stuff, and all the logistical, writing, and
managing prep for that has left me even less time than usual. I will
get to comments, though!)
The gist of reverse psychology is that you advocate for the opposite
of what you want someone to think, feel, or do. “Do not push!” written
on a button, for instance – you can’t help but want to push that
button, just to see what happens.
In terms of dating and relationships, that might mean you tell your
date or girlfriend to do the opposite of what you in fact wish her to
do. Or it might mean you act like you support the position opposite the
one you hope she herself will choose.
Before you think this is some passive-aggressive way to get your
way, think again. It’s a quite powerful psychological device – and you
can use it in a variety of ways.
Yet man is a herd animal. Cram him into a wall-to-wall,
shoulder-to-shoulder crowded concert or train station, then spook the
herd, and you kick off a stampede. People may die, crush others, or
trample, as throngs of panicked individuals, each catching the sense
of panic from the next, surge over and against each other for the
exits. In the aftermath of some deadly stampedes, investigators
can find no emergency and cannot even figure out what caused the panic.
Show a man a market craze that everyone is getting in on and watch
lose his mind. In China, peer-to-peer lending has exploded as the
economy has declined, even though defaults on these loans are sky high
and the prospect of getting a return is dim. A few months earlier in
the West, a Bitcoin craze thundered across the market. It was
unrelated to any improvement in the usability or acceptance of Bitcoin
as a currency – in fact, over the past several years, Bitcoin has only
grown worse as a currency.
100% of Bitcoin’s increased valuation
was due to market speculators buying up Bitcoin to cash in on the
Yet during Bitcoin fever, everyone was an optimist, telling friends,
family members, and coworkers to “buy, buy, buy!” Today, five months
after the crush began, the price of
Bitcoin has come very close to where it was before the stampede ever
in the process, thousands of people made fortunes, and thousands of
others lost them (I personally know a few folks on both sides). Every
bit of those gains and losses came at the expense or benefit of someone
else gambling the other way.
(side note: fun dub of a Russian music video a friend of mine who
was heavily invested in Bitcoin shared with me during the peak of the
These, of course, are extreme scenarios.
And much of the time, even for people aware of human herd mentality,
the concept gets peacefully tucked away into a kind of “only in
awareness. Only in extreme situations, we tell ourselves, do humans
behave in mindless, herd-like
ways. The rest of the time, we are those unique, separate, totally
consciously in-control individuals
we tell ourselves we truly are.
However, this isn’t how it works at all. Man, as a social animal, is
every bit as groupish as ants, horses, biofilms, and wildebeest. More
to the point for our purposes, if you want
to peel a woman out of her group, or get her to do what you
wish in public, an understanding of how grouping and herding works in
the people you’d like to influence is key.
Or maybe there’s something she does, and you’d like her to cut it
out? Anchor it with orgasms!
This article presumes you’re adept at making women climax from
sexual intercourse already.
And ideally, that you’re able to string together multiple vaginal
her. If you’re not yet, or you’ve got a girl who’s sexually closed off
and hasn’t learned to cum yet (or to cum easily / multiple times in a
row), give these two articles a gander:
Do you want to plow ahead? Just keep trying? That can work. You
won’t always have the drive for it though.
Here’s the deal: so long as she’s there, spending time with you in
an intimate situation, you are still able to touch her and do things to
turn her on, even if she yanks your hand off her crotch or won’t let
you get her shirt off. There are more things you can do, and they seem
harmless enough she will let you do them. And as you do them, she’ll
get more and more turned on – and after you’ve done them for a while,
those shirts, bras, pants, and panties come flying off.
If she likes you, but opts not to hook up with you, what does it
mean? Why, it means you’ve failed her Chad test – and now she’ll make
You’re back alone at your place with a girl. What you know about
her: she’s adventurous, independent, and, by all indications, probably
has been with her fair share of men. Perhaps she’s shared some of her
old war stories with you: guys she’s been with,
wild hookups she has had, sordid escapades gone by.
For some reason, it feels slightly off. You feel like she likes you,
it’s just... her walls are up.
You decide to go for it anyway. She’s near you on the couch, with
her body turned slightly away from yours. Her arms are folded,
her expression slightly tensed. “Come here, you’re so far away,” you
tell her. She scoots a little closer, but she doesn’t seem excited to
do it. You put your hand on her chin to turn her face toward yours. She
“I don’t feel ready for that yet,” she says. You feel let
After all that talk about all her crazy past hookups... and now she
“I should probably go,” she tells you. You figure she’s
off. And to be honest, you’re not really feeling it yourself either.
Her defensiveness has killed any interest in her you had earlier. You
walk her to the door. “I had fun,” she says. “We should hang out again
soon.” You grunt a response and let her go.
Two weeks later – you haven’t bothered to message her – she texts
you, asking what you’re up to and why she hasn’t heard from you. It
seems so weird... this girl resisted intimacy when you brought her
back, but she still wants to meet up anyway. Why? For what?
Slowly it starts to dawn on you: she
likes you... just not enough to make you one of the men she gives it up
The relaxed bar opener lets you meet girls in a bar in a relaxed,
natural, sociable way. All you need to do it is a cool wingman, and
halfway decent fundamentals.
Much of what we talk about when it comes to cold approach centers on
walking up to new women solo and delivering an opener. Often we discuss
going out alone to meet girls.
Or we might talk about rolling with a wingman, yet treat it as
little different from rolling solo; just two guys roving the streets,
bars, or parties on the prowl, and when one guy sees a girl he likes
the looks of, he goes in.
Today’s article is about a more relaxed approach you can take while
out with a wingman in a social venue (bars, parties, nightclubs), that
makes it easy for you to meet new girls in a laid back, low pressure
without looking like the ‘guy on a mission’ who goes around and chats
up every available girl.
If you’re new to approaching and want an easy way for you and a
friend to transition into chatting up new women, this is a prime
candidate for that. Or even if you’re an old hand and simply prefer a
more relaxed evening on the town, this approach serves nicely.
If you get your hackles up, or start to feel defensive, it’s easy
to turn adversarial on dates and in conversations. Yet do this, and you
will quick run into walls with women...
Here’s an insidious problem it’s easy to overlook.
Sometimes if you hit the bars, or the street, or a party, and your
first few approaches don’t go well, and
you pick up a couple
rejections, you can start to
sour on the whole ‘chat up new girls’
Or sometimes if you have a history of rejection... or you’ve been
reading too much anger-inducing content on the Internet... or you’ve
just had a terrible day in general... this can happen.
Basically: you start to expect the worst, and either bristle for it,
go in adversarially, or both.
And when a woman talks to you, she can feel it: you’re defensive,
guarding against rudeness, insult, or dismissal. And/or you’re
aggressive, treating her like an opponent whose defenses and objections
you must ‘beat’, instead of as a friend you’d like to help lead around
those objections (and into bed).
Yet the more adversarial you let your approach become, the worse it
will usually do.
You need to not do this to make things work better with girls.
What women say they want and what they actually choose often
doesn’t line up. Why is so much of what women really want unconscious?
One of the most challenging aspects of psychological science is how
often people say they want one thing, only to choose something else.
I saw this routinely back in my tire salesman days. A customer would
come in and say he wanted the cheapest set of tires we had. I’d ask him
about what he wanted his driving experience to be like; I’d discover he
wanted great road traction and a comfortable ride; and he’d proceed to
purchase a premium set of tires with excellent traction and ride
This “what you say you want vs. what you actually want” issue
manifests in all sorts of ways in psychological science, too. Paul
Eastwick and Eli Finkel’s 2008 speed dating study “Do people know
what they initially desire in a romantic partner?” found no matter
how strong someone insisted a preference was (e.g., “I will only date a
girl if she is beautiful” “I
won’t date a guy unless he makes a lot of money”), that person was no
more likely to pick someone who matched the preference in a live event
In his chapter in The Adapted Mind: Evolutionary Psychology
and the Generation of Culture, on how women evaluate mate
prospects, Bruce J. Ellis unfurls a host of items on how women select
their mates. One of the most important things Ellis talks about,
though, is some of the paradoxes in mate selection. For instance, much
research finds women are drawn to men who are socially dominant:
men who dominate their social environments. These men tend to be
cooler, more aloof, and more detached. Yet a lot of other research
finds women are drawn to men who are warm, personal, and caring. How do
those two connect?
We’ll talk about Ellis’s solutions to the warmth-dominance paradox
below. But first we need to pose a question: do people actually know
what they want?
Today we’ll talk about a few specific varieties of challenging
questions you can receive (from both men and women... though we’ll
focus mainly on questions from women today).
That variety is tough questions;
questions that put you on the spot, in a not-so-helpful-to-your-cause
sort of way.
We’ll talk about brushing these questions off. But there’s going to
be a twist to how we do this; we don’t want to do a brush off in a way
that looks like we are trying
not to answer. That’s because if you evade
someone’s questions (for too long), it seems like you’re frightened, or
have something to hide.
So instead, we want to brush tough questions off in a way that
blows up the question, or lets us answer it on more favorable terms.