Dale Carnegie's Most Life-Changing Piece of Advice | Page 2 | Girls Chase

Dale Carnegie's Most Life-Changing Piece of Advice

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

A little while back, when I was in my early 20s, I first read Dale Carnegie’s perennial bestseller How to Win Friends and Influence People. Many of the approaches described within it were things I knew, or affirmed what I felt, but sometimes the best kind of advice is this way; you think you’re doing things right, and then someone far more experienced than you comes along and says, “Yep, you’ve got it. In fact, take what you’re doing now and do it more.”

dale carnegie

Because it’s been nearly a decade since I’ve read it, most of its lessons have faded from my mind, and all I remember about it was one key lesson from it. However, that lesson has influenced how I’ve dealt with people in such a profound way that I don’t think I’ll ever forget it no matter how much time passes.

[edit: was rolling Napoleon Hill’s Laws of Success up as one of Carnegie’s works... forgive the brain fart]

Yet, pound-for-pound, the key takeaway from Win Friends and Influence People for me has been one of the best takeaways from any book I’ve yet read period.

Before I tell you what that is, let me tell you what I’ve noticed about how most people communicate with one another.

Comments

Anonymous's picture

Chase two things on my mind lately.
1. I met a girl who's lower in status than me. Shes not that bad phisically but had a big break in getting her educations. When she texts me she makes mistakes and it bothers me she she not sophisticated at all. The thing is she an extremely good person and incredibly honest. So rare these dsys. Im so tired of all the games chicks put on and this one is so clear in her intentions. She likes motor racing like I do and its so cool. How can I slow down things with her without losing her. I feel like a son of a b for wanting to keep her in the backburner ...

2. biggest love of my life loved motor racing and it's been over a year i realized we d never be together again but the most wonderful time I had was with her when we were heading along the coast. When im at home or work i seldom think about her but when the sun is set its a hot day and im on the bike I feel like crying seriously. Even the air smells like her. When i accidentally get to similar places ive been with her i feel terrible pain for not being with her and suddenly the point of life is missed. Does it mean i should drop my hobby? Should i avoid places which i ve always liked? How can they stop reminding me of her?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

I'd recommend not trying to keep some girl "on the hook" if you aren't sure you even want anything with her... you can always just drop off her radar and try and reconnect later if you decide you want her then.

Alternatively, you can sleep with her and just keep it as a friends with benefits relationship, unless you're afraid of falling into a more serious relationship with her from not having sufficient options to present this (which it sounds like might be a risk factor from your second question).

On with the second question - the cure here is meeting more high caliber women. Until you reach a point of absolute abundance, where you know you can replace any girlfriend with an equally high caliber (or better) girl with just a little bit of work, you're always going to be susceptible to heartache. And you'll still experience nostalgia from time to time anyway even when getting replacement girlfriends of an ex's caliber or higher is no longer an issue, but it won't be the crippling, painful sort, but more the, "Ah, she was nice," sort.

I'd suggest checking out Ricardus's article for more details on letting go of some of the more painful emotions, too: "Get Over Your Ex: 13 Steps to (Emotional) Freedom."

Chase

Gem's picture

Hey Chase

I’ve sort of come to a crossroads right now in my life; I’m facing a big obstacle, one that I need to figure out how to beat. I’ve made up my mind and set a goal that I need to move out soon... and I’m not quite sure as to how to do that amicably i.e. maintain a great relationship with my family while at the same time move out and live the life that I want to live.

The article you wrote about: http://www.girlschase.com/content/true-freedom-means-many-weak-ties-and-... , makes a point that I’ve been reminding myself more and more lately that limited world = limited ideas/limited potential; I really do believe this and I think while it’s “safe” and “comfortable” to live at home, I’m sort of putting a cap on my intellect, creativity and output levels till I do go off on my “Hero’s Journey” by moving out (as Joseph Campbell would call it). I really greatly feel the urge to move out and work to build up money, skills, new friends and business connections and all the amazing different experiences I want to have with women of different locales that I simply can’t experience being cooped up at home.

The lessons you talk about in this article (congruent to Steven Covey’s “seek first to understand, then to be understood”) is very valuable and one that I’d thought I’d known how to use well. But a few months ago I learned a little more about negotiation and I read up on it a little more (I read a book called Getting to Yes) and it’s really changed my world. Things have been amazing with my parents the last month or so, now that I understand all of a sudden how to actively listen to them, negotiate well, and meet their mainly emotional needs (and I realized that it’s really no different than deep diving a girl). Because of this my life at home lately has been very pleasant and comfortable.

And I hate that. I really dislike being comfortable for an extended period of time: I realize that I have to grow and stuff and that I can only do that in periods where I’m busting my butt and really uncomfortable. I made a list of 10 goals, a few weeks back, that I want to accomplish in the next year and I realized that the goal that will help me make progress towards all my other goals is moving out while keeping a good relationship with my family.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m of south Asian descent; typically my culture is very family oriented and it has similar elements that Asian cultures have: conservative matriarchal society, kids stay at home and get a good education and job and typically don’t leave home etc.

So to give a couple of questions to piece this all together: How can I amicably move out and gradually drift from family a bit? How do you personally (and how could I) maintain relationships with family and get it to that point that I’ve seen other business guys have it where you visit just on holidays and stuff? And I guess a bigger question that all this is tied to: how can I do whatever the fuck I want to do and live the life I want to live and have people like me for it anyway (maybe there’s a distinction here between agreeing with it and them being able to respect me regardless)?

Thanks if you can help me here Chase; I know there’s a solution here and I’ve been thinking and planning and brainstorming and am confident that I’ll find the answer and figure out my next move in this game soon. And in the meantime, I’ve been saving up quite a bit of money, approaching regularly, and planning/reading/writing out all the different variables of all my next steps. Just haven’t quite figured out the best way about moving out and how to handle my family and preserve a good relationship with them all at the same time.

-Gem

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Gem-

I'm not 100% sure on the specifics of your situation - one guess would be that they want you to go to college, but you're going to pass on that and just move out? If that's the case, you're going to be in for a big fight no matter what you do. If you can communicate a solid game plan they may respect your decision more, but chances are if you're proposing anything startup-related they're likely to make the (probably correct, unless you're going to crash at a buddy's pad in Silicon Valley or something of the sort) point that the smarter path if you're going to do that may well be staying home with the folks to cut down on expenses while you build up your income stream.

Every time I've gone against my family's wishes, we've had some fights and upset that would usually smooth out eventually once I'd found a way to succeed at what I was doing and regained their respect. And of course I'd still be talking to them as normal in between, and they'd just grouse about me doing whatever I was doing sometimes and I'd ignore it so long as it wasn't an out-and-out fight because our conversations or time together would otherwise still be pleasant and supportive. But looking back, I did make some pretty boneheaded decisions when younger purely from not knowing enough about the world that I'd probably be pretty mad about my kid making were I in the parent role. So long as you don't get yourself killed though, you can always recover, though it's important to make sure you're always building valuable skills and credentials that you can monetize if you need to (preferably for high-ish wages) as you go about your journey.

The main thing that parents want is assurance that you're not being a complete idiot, in the end. So when I'd have these situations with my folks, it would be: I'd announce my new plan --> parents'd blow up --> I'd fight with them a bit and listen to their tirade --> I'd then tell them emotionally why this thing was so important to me, and why emotionally I could not do the thing they wanted me to do and why it was going to kill me or demoralize or destroy me --> I'd then give them the reassurance that I had a plan with a, "Look, I'm going to do X, then Y, then Z. If it doesn't work by ABC date, I will [contingency plan]. And I can always [whatever they wanted me to do] a year from now - [whatever they wanted me to do] isn't going anywhere. blah blah a bit more explanation to calm them down and take the edge off."

I always did it this way because my philosophy was hit them with the worst of it first and make them feel like I'm doing something REALLY stupid, and cause them to flip out, then fight with them to wear them out emotionally a bit, then provide my own emotional for support for why I MUST do what I'm going to do and why I CAN'T do what they want me to do, and then finally once they're calmed down go into my whole plan, which is fairly well thought out and includes contingencies and even includes me doing what they want me to do if everything else I try to do fails, and they see that actually I'm not a complete idiot and I've thought this out much further than they thought at first and things aren't nearly as bad as they'd believed, and at that point most of their resistance is gone.

That was always my process; I don't know how strict your parents are compared to my own, and fortunately this is something that happens less as you grow older and get farther away.

As for how often you check in, it's pretty natural when leaving home to just tell your folks you'll call them once a week, and if you're a busy guy this tends to become less and less over the years. I was only talking to mine once a month for a while, but felt pretty bad about that and dialed it back up to once every couple of weeks. If you live far away (e.g., more than an hour or so's drive) it's also pretty natural to only stop by for holidays; both school and the city I lived in after school were each about 3 hours drive from my folks' house, and I only saw them a few times a year (plus the summer while in school).

If you live close by though, it'll probably be hard not to see them more often without it seeming like you're trying to avoid them. But unless your family's horrible (and doesn't sound like they are), stopping over once a week for dinner probably won't kill you. I'd like to be able to do that with my own folks more often.

Chase

Troy's picture

Hey Chase

Have you ever thought of using a pet to make women wet?

Like as a man to own a:

-Dog

-Cat

-Rabbit

-Fish (you cant actually play with one but it might make a good addition when a girl comes home with you)

- Bird

- hamster

...Even though these things dont directly add to a mans attractiveness, maybe havin a pet can make women see you as vulnerable.

Chase, what kind of pet have you owned before ( if you have )?

Do you find this one interesting to drop in the article queue?

Troy

Troy's picture

Hey Chase -

I am currently working on beating my anxiety. I just cant seem to put everything together. i mean there is just so much to learn and so many things that can go wrong when im working on one thing. lets say for example that i am working on my walk, posture, and beating depression but i cant talk to people

Or i can talk to people but cant hold their interest because of bad fundamentals

Or im good with small talk but cant show positive preselection
I mean there is so much to learn and so much that can go wrong. Maybe its a fear of failure. but in my social circle i have a few girls who like me who are popular and outgoing but i find it a struggle to keep a conversation with them. I just feel like im making a fool of myself and wasting their time.

How do i get over this mentality?

How do i stop walking away from the girls who like me because i am anxious? And there is so much tension. How to reduce it?

Also i just get this feeling that all the girls who like me all know that i am not a social guy with lots of friends ( the alpha male ). what do i do here?

I tend to walk to walk alone 70% of the time and i fear that girls see me. I just dont want to be a social burden or be embarassed when i go up to them and i just stay quiet. I mean that i have 6 to 7 girls calling out to me at the same time and i dont want to disappoint them. How do i handle to pressure of standing around 7 or so girls, not knowing what to say or how to act? How do i calm my nerves in this situation? How do i deal with this when im not good at talking to them?

Troy

Wolf's picture

I just read your article on being social at a night club. Do you think you can make one for day game to make day game easier? I'm surprised that people think day game is easier. I feel it's harder because it's not normal to do that. At a party or club it's different because you're expected to do that and most guys are doing it too, so you feel it's normal. Plus with all the loud music I feel more discrete and not like im bothering her or stopping her from her daily duties. Plus you have good ol liquid courage!!!

Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Wolf-

Well, you can't really socialize during the day because the street, cafes, etc. aren't social environments. For these you just go out and approach. If you need to be in more of a social mood, you can chat with people around you, but it's different from going out at night.

Day game's easier once you're rolling. When you're new to it, the approach anxiety is stronger than at night because you're breaking more social conventions. As is the case with many things though, the harder it is at the beginning, very often, the less the competition is and the easier you'll find success once the initial barriers to entry are vanquished.

Chase

V's picture

Chase I read your article on being an asshole. But how do I stop being "too nice". I don't know how to transition from being to Nice to being To Hard. How do I stop being nice? Im tryna be the dude you don't want to mess with, but I don't want to scare Everyone, just the ones that deserve it.
So how do I stop being nice?

And how do I not be a push over?

Thank you !!!!!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

V-

Nice = the opposite of asshole. If you want to quit being it, just follow the steps in that article! You'll get there sooner than you think.

Chase

Troy's picture

Chase -

Yesterday i went to a guidance counselor with my mom to talk about the social problems that im having. It was my idea because i feel that i need someone to talk to when i am down in the dumps. for me to comment here every time i have a problem is not enough because i just want a person right then and there to talk to.

So i spoke to the counselor and she told me that she has a rap session 2 times a month where high school persons who have similar social/family problems come to and we work together to become better at handling them. the problem that i have with these sessions is that i don't like opening up and talking about personal things and it would be in front of about 10 persons including the counsllor ( the counselor is a female, and you talk on here why its bad to take advice from women... what do you think about doing in this situation? )

How should i talk about the problems and feel comfortable?

What is a good way to open up about my vulnerabilities without coming across as weird?

Next Topic: Procrastination

Sometimes when i come home and sit down thinking if this is going to work for me. I just want to believe this can work for me. I trust your advice more than all the other PUA guys out there who talk about using routines and pick up lines, but i just don't believe i can do the same. how do i believe in myself which is probably the most important thing to do?

Also, i went through an embarassing situation at school yesterday when it was the last school day and most persons put graffiti on their friends uniform as memories. I didn't remember nor did i plan to go to school yesterday, i was just stopping by to pick up some school papers ( my exams are coming up so it's crunch time ), and i came to school outside of the dress code and i was peacocked in fashion. In my country, all students from every school wears a set uniform/clothes. I just planned to pick up something and leave but i decide to join in the fun so since i couldn't let anyone write on my clothes (not my uniform, i let them mark on my hands and neck. i got a lot of girls writing their "i love u", "im going to miss u", their names and even their phone numbers on me. it felt good to be preselected but aftarwards persons told me i looked silly, well only the guys. is this jealousy?

i wish that i didnt forget my uniform and i feel stupid. anyway, i took pictures of myself with the girls while i was all tatood up with markers color and then washed it off. i just wanted to feel included but in the long term i wouldnt have a school uniform with memories to look at, just pictures of me covered in marker ink posing with a few girls. i kind of stood out and broke the mold. i hate tattoos but in the moment i just was happy to have girls writing love notes, kisses, and pictures with me. it washed off now though.

I sort of feel stupid and great at the same time. i was only trying to push my comfort zone but maybe i went too far to look like a tattood maniac.

Do you think i went over board?

What could i have done differently? I didnt have a shirt to mark on and marking on my skin was the only choice.

I think im putting more pressure on myself than it needs to be because i dont think anyone took it that seriously. it was like a joke at first but im feeling a little stupid and embarassed. How do i get over putting more pressure on myself for a faux pas even if other persons dont really care?

Next thing, i always wonder how you manage to get so many depressing topics from a lot of random people, so how do you do it answering comments without falling into depression or back to where you are coming from?

Troy

Anonymous's picture

I was talking to my friend lately who is a headhunter. He told me he can smell a man with no options after 1 min of interview. He said a man with the greatest value on the job market is the one who's grabbed from one company to amother. A man who s been unemployed for some time like a couple of months is actually worthless. However, sometimes rarely but still a guy is a very good actor. You know and he knows he doesnt have options but he acts as if he had plenty.

My idea of acting is that you can't act something out well unless you believe it's real. That's why acting is the biggest art of all and only a few qualify to oscars.

if you have a lot of options you don't need this site because you simply naturally don't care about this particular girl job or situation.

Chase can you write an article how to act in case of limited options? What mindset to adopt?

I don't have options not because Im ugly but because there's a very few girls that turn me on. I like hot cheeky girls... even when I meet girls there's always the one that you care the most about. So in fact you dont have options. Oand what happens? I get nervous when I call her, i check my phone every minute.. how to get rid of this??

Chase I'm 35 and I've always been single because Ive been always after someone who didn't want me... Now I have this tetrible mindset that I KNOW its not going to work beacause I started to care and its always been like that... how to rewire your brain aftet so many years of failing and how to come across as a man with options when you d don't have any in fact?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Yeah, that's a tough one. It's really a combination of faking it until you make it plus just playing the numbers until you succeed and break through and are able to start accumulating some options - frequently you will find starting out that you work your way up, starting with women who are similarly optionless to you and graduating to more in-demand women as you become more in-demand yourself.

The other option of course is getting yourself to the point where you don't NEED the thing in question - if you're so absorbed in something else that most of your need in the other area goes away. But this one's less practical for most people.

Anyway, it's an interesting topic - I'll see what I can do on the article front!

Chase

Troy's picture

Chase-

How do i know if im being too aggressive as a light - skinned guy talking to black girls? OR TOO TAME? HOW DO I CHANGER MY APPROACH?

Could you do an article on gaming black girls as a light - skinned guy?

Troy

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Troy-

I’ve known guys who used dogs to meet girls, but personally it’s just too hard taking care of a pet when you move around a lot. If you’re in one space for a long time though and want to do it, a small dog seems to work best; men usually have large dogs, and all hang out with one another in the large dog parks, while women all have small dogs, and hang out with one another in the small dog parks. If you’re one of the few men with a small dog, you get to monopolize those women, and plus… women love small animals.

Check out this article on anxiety: “Anxiety in Men: Where It Comes From and How to Stop It”; plus, the one from Will on social anxiety. Everything you need to fight it and beat it is in these two articles.

I don’t have much advice on therapy; I’ve always been more of a problem solver than someone who asks others for help myself. If you’re having trouble opening up and this is something you need to do, maybe ask the counselor for some guidance on this and just tell her you want to but don’t know how to start.

Check out this article on my best tool for beating procrastination: “The 100 Hour Rule”, and as for calibrating your approaches, see this one: “Learning from Reactions: Developing Social Calibration.”

Chase

Peacer's picture

Hi Chase.. !

I want to know how you do this. I am pretty sure that you have a some kinda method for this.
Basically, what I want to know is,

"how to get what you want from your girl.. ?" or "how to get your girlfriend doing something that you want.. ?"

Well, I have read in a book something regarding this earlier, it said that
"If you want someone to do something, then you need to let her think, it is something she should do... you need to let her feel, it is something she should do... you need to let her understand, it is something she should do"

After all of this, this question came up to my mind.
We men, don't like when someone commands us to do something. Don't we.. ?
Well, I wonder whether it is same for the women too.. ?
Like you have mentioned in the "Women Love Sexist Men" , Men and Women are different. Most of the time, women like to be submissive. Most of the time they are the followers in the relationship (I mean at least in the beginning before the power shifts)
What is your opinion about this.. ?

Well, why I asked this from you, when you are in a relationship (It may not be a big deal, If you aren't in a relationship, I guess) , sometimes you may want her to do something.
I mean, it can be a sexual activity that you want to try with her
or
it can be a bad behavior or attitude, she has that you don't like much and want her to change (this one may be tough, but you know sometimes, you have to deal with those when you are in a some kinda long-term relationship)

So, how do you go about this.. ?
How do you get something you want from someone, how do you encourage or motivate someone to do something that you want actually.. ?
(Actually, I don't want to get something out from men, I mean, How do you do with women.. ?)

Thank you.. !
Looking forward for your answers.. !
Bye.. !

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Peacer-

It depends on what you're trying to do. With most things sexually, you don't want to ask or tell, you just want to switch into doing in the heat of the moment. e.g., if you want to play around with restraints, don't ask her; just pull out your handcuffs in the middle of a session and chain her to the bed post. She'll be MUCH more excited and much more compliant than if you ask her if she wants to do it beforehand.

For more complicated things or things that require planning (like a threesome), feel her out on the idea during heights of passion, and start seeding the idea throughout normal conversation.

And don't forget operant conditioning; if you need more long-term behavior modification, this is the way to go.

Chase

Petroni's picture

Chase what would you think of a girl who says directly she wants only sex? I met her some time ago online and i called her. she said she's afraid of guys who become her psychofans and she doesn't want to hurt anyone. she says she doesn't exclude love but it's not what can be assumed and she wants to make sure i get it.

as for me, it's like you don't assume anything so you don't say anything. what to think of girls who tell you in advance that you should expect only sex, that's it. she said once a guy went crazy for her and she had problems trying to run away from him.

anyway i think you don't assume and expect anything, you don't say anything. if someone does say things like that and clrearly sets expectiation rules it looks like she's in a relationship and all her emotional needs are met.
or can be she's really afraid of meeting another freak, however i'd go with the first option more, i don't know why.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Petroni-

It's possible she's just being straight, but I'd be very wary. In my experience that sort of thing is a blatant cry for male attention. Most women know that men are sex crazy, and the ones who need the most male attention throw sex around in the most heavy-handed ways.

Every woman I've met who REALLY just wanted sex doesn't talk about it like it's some dry set of facts; she meets a man she finds attractive, banters with him, flirts a bit, and goes home with him. Every one I've met who started talking about how she only wants sex has ended up balking when I've tried to move her forward, and pretty obviously used it as a tool to make men nervous and needy around her.

Also, when women announce they hate something or are afraid of it, they're generally telling you this is something they attract over and over and are predisposed to. "I hate drama!" = "I am a drama queen"; "I hate how guys always stalk me" = "I do things that screen in weirdos and encourage stalking behavior."

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey chase.. !

When reading lot of articles here, I have found the word "Frame" lot. "Chase Frame", "Sexual Frame", "Time Frame", "Dominant Frame" like that there are lot of frames here.. !

I can definitely understand them to some degree..! But sometimes, it is bit confusing part for me.

What is actually "Frame" means here.. ? What kind of definition do you give for it, if someone ask for it.. ? I looked for a definition here, but I couldn't able to find out it.

“Can you buy me a coffee?” , is it a frame.. ? I found it somewhere calling "Frame", but I don't understand clearly how.. ?

Chase, my native language is not English, may be that is why I can't understand it properly, if could explain it little more bit, with some kinda examples.. I am really glad for you..!

Thank you..!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

A "frame" is just your way of seeing the world. People all tend to have somewhat, or VERY, different frames from one another, and when these clash someone's going to win and someone's going to lose.

e.g., you may have the frame that, "You can do ANYTHING so long as you're willing to work hard enough to do it," and that's your frame. Then, you may meet someone else whose frame is, "Some things are just IMPOSSIBLE, and your success in life is severely limited by your upbringing, education, and resources." When you and this individual meet, if you discuss success and limitations, your frames will clash, and each of you will try to impose his frame on the other to relieve the cognitive dissonance he feels at having to entertain both his own default frame and this new frame introduced into his mind by the other he's just met.

If you want more on frames, you can read about these here: "Frame Control Examples: Out-Frame Anyone" and "Get Rock-Solid Frame Control with the Women You Like Guaranteed."

Chase

Dameon Barney's picture

Do you think “What’s your top three favorite foods?” Is a better question than “What’s your favorite food?”

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