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The Policed's picture

Hey Chase!

I read this article a while back on your site, but found that it had some relevance to me recently. I was recently at a party and mentioned to a girl there that her shirt was sexy, and later started up a conversation with her - admittedly at the time I wasn't doing a very good job escalating / using your tips from this site - so basically just picture your standard guy who's bumbling around but not powerfully escalating quickly. Anyway, as I was in a conversation with her, a friend of mine and hers came up to me and was like "Relax. That's my advice. You're not relaxed."

Whether I was relaxed or not then, I definitely wasn't after she made that comment - I ended up leaving the party shortly thereafter. At any rate, I was wondering about several things:

1. What is the best way to respond to a situation when you are socially policed? I know there are general aspects of your personality, being a more dominant man, etc that can prevent it in general, but when it does happen what's the best way to respond?

2. I've been told something along the same lines in the past, and I feel like the "non relaxed state" they are probably talking about might be pointing to an imbalance between nvbl and verbal signals - really not sure though. But based on that form of social policing, do you have any guess what would have prompted her to say that and what I should change about my personality to fix it?

My last question is not necessarily as related to the topic of social policing but is kind of what I think landed me in this spot. I know that first impression is key, and a lot of what you talk about on this site is having direct openers etc. But what if I'm in a situation where I'm with someone who I already met and had a bit of a conversation with (say like 1-2 hours into meeting her) and then afterward decide that she's kind of cute and I want to try escalating. How would you advise going about doing that? Or is it better to just bag that chance and go find a chick who you haven't met yet and escalate right from the beginning? I think it was trying to flirt with someone who I had already been treating like just a friend that might have given off an "awk" vibe that led to the "relax" social policing.

What are your thoughts?