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Gaurav 's picture

Man, I am genuinely scared now. Have some patience if someone is reading. Although, it's very unlikely that will happen. I don't know after I write this how I'll be feeling. 

I am having these 'support' issues with her. Eg - I was playing PUBG  - and I was playing duo with her. Now, she never supports me. All she wants is to stick with me, look in the same direction as I am. (Beleive me this translates exactly the same into reality). I want someone to watch out for my back. Anyway, in reality too, she wants to be with me always. Stick to me. I want her to be happy and satisfied on her own. I want her to be full of her own life. I am just a human being. I am nothing special. She says she likes my physique and all - and I say that I workout or study because of the family I have and the family I'll have. Her vision is so small. It's crazy. I sometimes wish I could bring her to see the future, the possible consequences but instead I have to explain it to her. She studies sociology as a degree. I studied it as a subject in one semester. I know more than her. She is not serious about her studies. She is learning Spanish. But she doesn't know why. I don't want to go to parties or meet people and she pushes me - to these cliche gatherings. Which I happen to enjoy only after I drink. I enjoy drinking. But man, I am self aware enough to avoid it every possible opportunity. I have to be in my budget. Look out for the present and future and not let the past bother me. I like to serve my parents. I like philosophy. My girlfriend apart from what I told you already - she doesn't like any of that. If she wants help in anything, even social problems, friendship problems. She only wants a course of action out of me. Which is quite easy if one uses common sense in these problems. But then, I want her to be able to do this. So I tell her the principles and rules of assessment of problems and issues. If she ever gets cocky and says 'I can look out for myself'. I am genuinely happy because I want her to face problems and pain like I have and learn something. I am not trying to make her like me but I want her to use her brain. Her brain. She uses feelings, stupid irrational brain. And when I say something will happen and it does happen. She comes back and says yeah you were right that's why I love you. Confusion is this makes me feel like 'I am the man, I am supposed to decide the direction, have a vision'. But at the same time I want a partner who'll watch my back and be equally excellent in criticizing me or challenging me. To keep that balance. I just want her to dive deeper into herself. I don't know about love. But if it exists in me - I am sure it's just 2 or 3%. 0.5 is definitely for her. Rest is for parents, dogs and sister. Exactly 1% is for my GOAL. I'll be happy if someone says the mistake is in me and not in her. Because I really don't know how to break up nicely. The last time I did it - I flooded the DMs with abuses and slurrs in my 1st language - hindi. I knew she could screenshot that I did it anyway.