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Chase Amante's picture


That's a very good question.

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what's "good" for women to "date", and what isn't. It's a lot harder than it sounds. What makes a man "good" relationship material?

If you ask a woman point-blank, most women will tell you something like:

  • Sensitive
  • Caring
  • Faithful
  • Thoughtful
  • Romantic
  • Provides for his family
  • Etc.

... but these actually seem more like "nice to haves" than "must haves." There are plenty of men with these qualities that women simply won't date. And plenty of men without them that women go crazy for.

Most women say they want one thing, but what they actually pursue and hold tightly to is something else altogether.

When women get involved with a man romantically, they put the man into one of two boxes, I find:

  1. Men they want to marry and spend the rest of their lives with, or
  2. Men they don't

I'm #1. Every girl I sleep with more than two or three times asks me if I'll marry her. Sometimes they ask me the first night I sleep with them. American, European, Asian women... no difference. I like to think it's because I'm something of a dreamer... somehow, just being around me seems to bring out the dreamer in everyone else; even the most hardnosed women.

If you're man #2 - the man that women don't want to marry - I think it's pretty easy to say that you're good for dating. Women know exactly what they're getting into with you; they know it won't last. They don't want it to last.

If you're man #1, and you don't want forever with them, all you do is hurt them and spend their time and their emotions. It doesn't matter what you say... you can tell a girl you are not sticking around, that you have much to do, that relationships aren't a priority in your life. It doesn't matter, because women don't listen to words. They just watch you, and see who you are, and how you are, and decide what they want from you and expect from you on that.

Every relationship a woman has with a man she wants forever with that doesn't end in forever ends in tragedy, broken hearts, and emotional fallout.

In relationships with me, women go in thinking I'm a scoundrel, and end up six months or a year in telling me with wide-eyed wonder, "You are a good man. I can't believe I thought you were not a good man," and I have to remind them of my less desirable traits to keep their feet relatively on the ground. I change the way they look at the world; I challenge them to think differently, to throw off social convention, and to become self-reliant and independent in ways most men never would, because that would mean they become too hard to control in a relationship; I've helped girlfriends build small businesses, and handed over full ownership of business and profits to them to help them achieve a level of financial independence.

But when the breakup happens - and it always does, with someone like me... a guy with options who doesn't like being tied down and prefers to be free to do whatever he wants to do - it's traumatic for them... usually because, I think, they know they're not going to replace me. Sometimes they spend years trying to get me back, even though they're the types who never want anything to do with their exes.

So, the big question for me has been: if you give a woman an amazing relationship - perhaps the best one of her life - but she is ultimately not able to hang onto you for a lifetime - which is what she ultimately wants - have you done her a good thing, by giving her that great relationship?

Or have you merely shown her what she can't have, taken up her time, and left her with a few lessons that may or may not make the rest of her life and her dating and her search for a man to marry better?

The conclusion I came to was, if you are a #1 - if you are a man a woman wants to spend the rest of her life with - and you cannot give her forever, no matter how amazing the relationship you give her is, you're doing her a disservice by dating her. The only way I think you can be good for her in a relationship if you are a #1 who cannot give her forever is perhaps if you give her children and you give her a business of her own, or introduce her to contacts who help to rapidly advance her career. Then, perhaps, even if you do not stay together, you have been a good thing for her life.

Otherwise, you are but a time-sink, and an emotion-sink.

I think most people don't know what they're doing in relationships. They don't know what their relationships are for - they think they're for sex (physical pleasure), and companionship (emotional support), but eventually they want more than this, and they don't know how to communicate it, and don't understand it themselves - sometimes reject it themselves. They reject what they want, and end up miserable, and don't know why. They don't understand their own biology, and fear their drives to reproduce, scared of the burden of children and the end of "freedom."

So, back to your question - am *I* good for a relationship?

Well, if I was a girl, I sure wouldn't date me.

Because I like a good measure of certainty, and I like a good degree of control.

And those are two things - certainty and control - that no woman ever has with me in any relationship.

So I'd tell you the same thing I tell every girl I date: I am a terrible, terrible man, and you'd be much better off dating someone different.