What's Wrong with Dating in America (and Much of the West) | Girls Chase

What's Wrong with Dating in America (and Much of the West)

Chase Amante

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I've been reading a lot of stuff lately about people frustrated with dating. It comes from both sides of the aisle: women who are frustrated that they simply can't find dateable men, and men who are frustrated that women are far too picky, and complaining there aren't any dateable men, when they seemingly just skip right over these all men who, on paper, meet all of those girls' supposed requirements.

dating in america

It's interesting to read. I researched dating and romantic history quite heavily for the relationship book I was writing last year (that I've since put on hold - I'm not in a position to effectively market another book just yet), and while a lot of male-female complaints are as old as time itself, I can tell you that this one - that there just aren't any dateable men, and that the women themselves are far too picky - is one I haven't encountered in the literature prior to the advent of the modern dating and relationship system in the early 20th century.

It's a whole new flavor of disconcert and disbelief.

Thing is, whenever you see people in disbelief at their inability to do or get something, it's a blaringly loud sign of a flawed mental model. They've got something wrong - their expectations are off. Fantasy isn't jibing with reality.

And right now, when you look at how dating in America and dating in much of the West plays out, you're seeing this wide-eyed, confused disbelief from a large segment of both the male and the female dating populations.

You don't hear about it from middle-aged folks. You don't hear women over 40 complaining much how there are "no men to date" - even though women at that age have far fewer options than their younger, louder counterparts. You also don't hear men over 40 complaining that "women skim right past them."

So what's going on with the under-40 crowd that's got everybody so addled?

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

The-Tool's picture

Excellent article Chase, It is without a doubt true. If you want something you MUST work for it. I believe this is your most inspirational/eye opening article yet. Everyone should read this.

Cheers, The Tool

beauregarde's picture

well written mr republican(haha, you are actually the first republican, that I came across, that seems realy smart. but of course that is no miracle since i am an euro and dont meet many republicans)

but there are a few things that I dont understand:

1. If we where all brought up as special, then why do only women think that there are no good men while men(like me) take almost every girl, that isnt on a tree in 3 seconds?
Wouldnt the men be the same and think that there are no good enough women?
2. You described the ugly girl. Dont you think that there are many many many girls(and boys) that have parents that never tell them that they can have everything or are so good looking and special. Because I personaly think that there are many who dont have loveing parents

Max's picture

Alternatively, you can bypass "most" American women altogether and find meaningful relationships, warm and genuine love with less hurdles.

Ross Leon's picture

It was refreshing to see some confirmation of this thought out there. Much of society thinks either that things ought to be a certain way, or that they are a certain way (when in fact, they are not).

"The law of the land is the Law of Subjective Value - if you want something of value from me, you must give me something I value back, and it must be something that I value, myself - not something you think I ought to value."

Nothing can be truer than this. A man or woman cannot simply receive without giving. The many ways in which a man or woman can give to another is what is confusing for a frustrated man or woman. This is where things such as sprezzatura come from - the man appears to be giving no value, when the value is in fact provided in the person themselves. This is why celebrities with almost no face value, such as the drama queens of Jersey Shore, possess so much media value. They provide entertainment, we provide time. Everything has a value, and the amount of influence that the value can be measured in differs between each and every person out there.

Unlocking how to provide that value to others is a big work of how to become valuable and achieve what you seek. Instead of dreaming about being a man of extremely high value, set out and make plans on how to be a man of high value. The idea you promote that is in fact, true, is that we are dreaming of being men of high value, but then not spending the time to plan out how to become those men. The large majority of us are plowing randomly in a blind direction, not using their time to successfully achieve things that ARE important to them.

Define what is important, and then go after it; but always keep an open mind towards understanding what is important in this world.

Thanks for the insight Chase, and keep doing what you're doing.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Ross-

On value-

You're right; there are myriad different ways you can try to offer value or try to make yourself value. A lot of confusion and resentment comes from this, actually - people with a distorted, unrealistic view of what they have to offer others and what those others ought to want from them in exchange for whatever they want. e.g., classic example: the "nice guy" who thinks women should want him just for him being "nice," and gets upset when they don't - they're not behaving the way his model of the world suggests their supposed to act.

On dreaming/acting:

“The idea you promote that is in fact, true, is that we are dreaming of being men of high value, but then not spending the time to plan out how to become those men. The large majority of us are plowing randomly in a blind direction, not using their time to successfully achieve things that ARE important to them.&lrquo;

Yes, absolutely - that's an essential part of the message. If you'd (not you, but whomever) simply get up off the couch and go start working on the things you want, instead of sitting around thinking about how nice it'd be to have them, then you stand an honest chance at getting them. If you just stay on the couch, those dreams will never be more than dreams - unrealized and unfulfilled.

It's almost cliché advice at this point - I kind of hate stating it that simply. But it doesn't make it any less true.

Most people are never going to do the work necessary to bring the things they want into their lives... and it's not because they're bad people. It's more that people are emotional creatures, and emotions favor short term rewards - getting yourself to work hard on something that may not produce returns for months or years (or may not ever; how do you know you're even doing the right thing before you've done it?) is anathema to our programming.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Thanks for the article Chase!

What’s your opinion on NLP? Should it be used to attract, build comfort or even later on in the interaction, or not at all?

Also, from what I can gather on the site, you’re turning, or have already turned 30 this year. I’m curious as to where you feel you are in game now. Is it now just a refining process, or are you still coming across things that revolutionize your game. Or is there particular area/s that you are trying to improve in?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

I don't like using NLP patterns per se - they come across a bit stilted to me, and best as a party trick / gambit for wowing a girl at your hidden knowledge - e.g., showing her you can make her feel a certain way, or really focus in on your voice, or completely relax, etc. I'll use them occasionally for that for fun if it's relevant to the conversation.

What I do like about NLP though is the use of voice and the way of speaking - I've somewhat integrated the "NLP voice" (or maybe you'd call it the "hypnotist's voice") into my normal speaking voice during a seduction, and I use pauses and suggestion throughout - sometimes blatantly, where it's obvious I'm making a suggestion and that makes it funny (i.e., chase framing), sometimes under the radar, as little pings here and there. It's hard to say whether these subtle under-the-radar suggestions make an impact or not, but generally speaking everything hitting your subconscious mind that isn't totally fought and resisted does, so my feeling has always been they help. Not a magic pill or anything, but little edges that contribute to moving things along.

As far as where I'm at with game these days, my improvements are mostly evolutionary and unconscious, rather than revolutionary and things consciously targeted. It's diminishing returns - when you're new, you're doing so much wrong that there are lots of ways you can make major improvements to your game. As you get better and more experienced, you've picked all the low hanging fruit, and improvements get increasingly difficult to make, and increasingly lower impact. I also achieved my primary goal with game - the ability to reliably pick up when I want to pick up and get high quality women on-demand. When you achieve your primary objective, the motivation to put your nose to the grindstone to improve declines markedly. There are certainly areas I could be a lot stronger - I'm still more of an opportunistic day gamer than a frequent cold approach day gamer, for instance; if I took a couple of months and really just cold approached like crazy during the daytime, I could probably level up my day game a fair bit from where it is now. But it's good enough as it is that I can use it to target and meet enough girls to fill my pipeline when I want to, so the motivation to do that isn't there.

You also feel the pull of other things you want to master and haven't. Business is mine for me right now - I've taken a lot of lessons, and had a number of failures, and I suck at it and am not doing the things business-wise I want to do. There are still enough big ups and downs that it's clear I don't have a handle on building things that deliver value people want to pay for, or getting those things in front of enough people who'd find them useful enough to pay for. I still have days when I wake up feeling like, "Goddamnit, I just can't do this; I don't have what it takes," and then I smile and remember thinking that about lots of other things I'm sufficiently good at now, and there are also days where I'm on top of the world and thinking everything's going to be a breeze from here on out. Both extremes are off the mark, and just serve as further confirmation that this is something I've got a ways to go in yet. At some point, I'll (hopefully) have business figured out enough though that it ceases interesting me too... and I can move onto something else I've yet to master.

It goes in roughly 4-year cycles for me. This is the start of the third year in the cycle for business - third year's my breakthrough year, where all the difficulties and lessons of the first two years result in me finally being able to achieve enough success to think that I really have a shot at something. Fourth year's where things go from "promising" to "legitimate success." The year after's a transition year, where I get all the success I wanted while hardly trying, feel that I've finally made it, and lose interest with the area as an improvement focus and move onto something else I suck at that I'd like to not suck at. Which probably sounds mildly crazy, but... I'm more interested in shoring up my weaknesses and getting things down I don't have down than in really sticking with one thing for decades and capitalizing on my success. I also imagine I'm more useful changing fields - most people who make contributions anywhere do so early in their careers, when everything is fresh and new and exciting, and their contributions fall off dramatically after that. I'd rather keep going somewhere fresh, where I can (ideally) come in with a fresh pair of eyes, struggle for a while to get up to speed, make a contribution here or there, and then get out before I become an old and stale part of the institution rather than the rebel outsider telling the institution it has no clothes.

Chase

Franco Lombardi's picture

Sometimes I think we are sharing the same stream of consciousness here, Chase. ;)

I love your reference to Santa Claus not being real. As a matter of fact, to the close friends of mine that I have recommended your website to, I have used an analogy involving Santa Claus to describe what it is like reading and internalizing what you write here.

Reading your website is a lot like finding out that Santa Claus isn't real. At first, any "idealistic" desires you might retain come shattering down on you -- the world isn't quite what you thought it was, and the dreams you had are no longer as magical as you made them out to be. In other words, it's tough to accept.

BUT, once you've finally come to terms with this realization, you can begin to see the world the way it really is, and you can adapt, and you can use it to your advantage.

When I was told Santa Claus wasn't real, I already had had my suspicions, so it didn't come as quite a shock to me as it may have to other children. But after I got over it (and it didn't take me long), I realized that I didn't have to do what people told me I wanted to do to get the gifts I wanted. I just needed to work hard myself so that I could earn those gifts. And the best part was, I didn't even need to wait until Santa came around to get them!

Unfortunately, the majority of society doesn't think this way. They continue to believe that Santa Claus will bring them gifts, even though all signals show that they will not; they continue to believe that they will get the gifts they want without having to do anything, even though all signals show that they will not; and they continue to believe that the girl (or guy) of their dreams will just walk into their life, even though, as all signals keep showing, that they will not.

The individuals that do realize this, however, are the individuals that read the articles on your website -- the go-getters. These are the individuals who learned that Santa Claus wasn't real and, instead of saying, "Noooo! It can't be true! I will get what I want some day, I just have to be patient!" They said, "Really? Santa Claus isn't real? So you mean that I don't HAVE to wait until Christmas to get gifts like everyone tells me I have to? And I don't HAVE to do what society tells me I should do in order to receive these gifts?"

That's right. Now you have the power to take it into your own hands to figure out how you can get everything you want on your own.

It's unfortunate that many people don't realize this -- they continue to hang on to this notion that life is magical and that they will be provided with what they deserve. The individuals out there who actually realize that they have to work hard to get the things they want are the individuals who are actually reaping the benefits and getting the things they truly DO deserve.

Excellent article, Chase.

Cheers,

Franco

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Franco–

That’s interesting to hear. From a business point of view, it’s either really alarming, or really exciting, and I’m not sure which. Trying to rip people out of their established world views and give them entirely new ones is a violent process, and you have a lot of people fight you back over it. It usually makes better business sense to simply feed off of what’s already been built, and keep reinforcing the thoughts of the day and tell people what they want to hear. On the other hand, if you can gain an actual foothold in people’s consciousness when you’re going against the grain, then you get to be a game changer and a first mover and you achieve high levels of success simply for being the one who was first to market (I’m not first to market in PUA, but the nature of this business is geared at reaching an ever-larger mainstream male audience – there isn’t anything quite like that right now).

Your analogy of thinking Santa Claus will keep bringing people gifts despite all signs pointing to the contrary reminded me a lot of Who Moved My Cheese?, that book they had everyone at every business in America, it seemed like, read in the early 2000s.

The point about the freedom of knowing you don’t have to wait and you don’t have to play (entirely) by the “rules” to get the things you want to get is a good one – I hadn’t thought of it quite that way. The easier it gets to achieve the things one wants, reliably, the more “free” he feels, it seems – so if you want to be freer with something, just find a way to get it more reliably and easily and you’re there.

Chase

Wes's picture

It has finally been answered, awesome article. Grew up hearing adults complain: "where did this sense of entitlement in you kids come from?"
You said something in the article about even pretty girls are shaking and laughing nervously around you. Its funny you say that because even the picture of you intimidates me. Has anyone ever told you that?
Not in a scared way but in a "this guy is too high socially for me". Like, I can't imagine us being friends and you'd most likely get frustrated with how unattuned I am socially.
Also, do you have any advice on connecting with people not your age or on a different social awareness level? To clarify, I'm 20 but I connect better with 16,17,18, and (some) 19 year olds. Really, I feel like a 17 year old at heart(and look like it to) and i've noticed that anybody older than those ages I view as above me and unreachable and unconnectable. I naturally other them. You can deep dive all you want but it seems you'd never connect on interest level. There HAS to be a flaw in my thinking. I'd like to see an insight on that, if you could. Specically connecting with other generations. Older women, older men as friends. One day I might have them as co-workers seeing as I already have 30-40 yrs as classmates.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Wes–

I’ve had people tell me I’m intimidating, as in, it’s intimidating being in my presence, yes. The effect is increased when they know you from media, however – any time you have any kind of “guru” status in advance of people meeting you in person it amplifies your position in the hierarchy to them to unreal proportions. It’s the celebrity effect – you see a celebrity on TV or in the movies and feel like you know them so well, then you meet them in person and realize the “knowing” is mostly one-sided and you know of this person but don’t know them personally… It’s quite an effect. Can take years of knowing someone in real life for that to wear off, in fact. Sometimes it never does. And even without that, there’s plenty you can do to create a feeling of exclusiveness and privilege and celebrity about your presence – it’s a very practiced effect (and gives you a big advantage socially).

On connecting with different age groups, that mainly boils down to gaining new reference points and getting around them. If you’re naturally conservative-leaning (caring about / respecting authority and hierarchy is a sign of so being), the only way to break out of being nervous around people “higher in the hierarchy” than you are is meeting them and spending enough time around them that they become familiar to you. At that point, you can meet more people from their level and feel comfortable with them as well.

If you check out the article on guy talk, it’s actually the same exact phenomenon with age as what’s discussed there with other forms of hierarchies – get comfortable breaking out of the hierarchy and gain enough reference points from a given level, and it’ll trouble you no more.

Chase

tanbul's picture

Hello Chase.the predicament I find myself in as of now is really self-limiting.you see I have many goals such as building a better body,getting better with girls,starting my own business,and getting good grades in school learing new languages and many others.I know that focusing soley on one would make my abilities decrease in others. Is their anyway around this?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Tanbul-

Having many goals is a good thing - you never run out of stuff to work on. But, you don't get too far in any of them until you choose one or two to really laser your sights in on.

The good thing about building skills or abilities up to a high enough level is that they become easy to recover if you lose some of your edge in them. For instance, if you get great at riding bicycles, then take a decade off to learn business-building and bulk up physically, you won't have that same edge when you pick up bike riding again, but you'll be back not far from where you were within a few months, and you'll still be a lot better at it than anyone who's never taken the time to get good.

It helps to think of skill-building as building new bottom-level baselines you'll have for the rest of your life. Like muscle-building... I lifted weights for 10 years, and gradually built up strength over the years. I never got big, but by the end of those 10 years I was substantially stronger than when I began. But then, after 10 years, I started traveling, and did not work out for 2 full years. By the time I made it back to the gym, I figured my muscle would probably be all gone, only for me to find I was still almost as strong as when I'd quit, and I'd probably be back up to speed in 6 months or so.

If you ask me, the best way to get good at things is pick one (or maybe two), and focus almost exclusively on that to the detriment of other things... to the point of obsession, just about. You make such incredible gains during these "focus periods" that you can then come back out of it and have a decompression period where you go back and work a little bit on everything again and get back up to speed quickly on all the things you've lost any kind of edge in. Obviously, responsibilities come first - if you need good grades, or have to hold down a job to pay the bills, for instance.

But beyond that, focus periods where you immerse yourself in learning something almost exclusively, followed by decompression periods where you work a little bit on all the things you want to work on and make sure you keep them around your baseline level, seem to be the best strategy for picking up new skills to a high degree of expertise.

Chase

anok's picture

Well I asked the girl out and I just got stoned .I was trying to hold back my emotions and frustration while juggling the rejection.when I asked her she was talking about her ex and some concert I think they went to.that she may not even end up going as a matter of fact.

Damn so this is how rejection by a girl feels like.no worries I will get use to it. I already,had a feeling it wasn't going to work and I just tried to finish what I started.testosterone just took hit and I can feel it.

Anyways I as I look back I finmy faults.I took to long and allowed attraction to expire and I think she still had strong feeling for her ex and others.

But the problem now is that's don't know how to deal with seeing her everyday.especially how I still have a tad of emotion for her?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anok-

Sorry to hear she said "no," but I'm glad you asked her. Much better than wondering forever what the answer would've been, and now you can move on and find the women who ARE interested in you.

Waiting too long is bad, yes; so is the girl still having feelings for her ex. Rolled in together, her ex just looks better and better, compared to the guy who's taking his time...

If you still have emotions there, the only way to get rid of them is by replacing them with something else - another girl, a hobby/sport/activity/passion you're devoting your time to, etc. Check out the article on when you can't stop thinking about girls, if you haven't yet, and find a few things to crowd her out of your mind - ideally, more pretty girls.

Chase

Ryan Blash's picture

Interesting article, and just fires meup more that I'm the kinda guy who doesn't wanna settle for a relationship with just any girl. My scenario would sound more fantasy than reality to most people, bu pt I know you chase are the kind of guy who turns fantasy into reality,
Lowdown - teacher in my school is really hot, finds me hot (she stares a lot, some have even been a little on the seductive side!) but I have no lessons from her. What should I do?
I've noticed she can be a little more self conscious when I'm with a group of guys and I smile at her, but when we've been caught alone walking past each other, we trade quite sexy glances. I barely ever see the woman, although her timetable is up on a staff room wall, how do you suggest I go about meeting, interacting and most importantly getting past the whole it's wrong idea to get down to business!?
Oh and so far we haven't really spoken much .. If at all! We just stare and smile at each other.
I'll probably be keeping you updated on my progress with her on here, if that's okay?
Thanks Chase,
Great website and looking forward to this advice! ;)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Ryan-

Sounds fun! Well, you need some one-on-one time with her, if only to find out how she responds when it's right there in front of her face - it could be that she enjoys flirting with you in the halls, but when push comes to shove she'll chicken out; or it could be she's just waiting for the chance for something to happen. I'd suggest you find out what she teaches, and then go to her office hours, tell her you know she teaches XYZ subject, and ask for her help because you have ABC teacher who you think doesn't like you all that much and you'd prefer not to ask him for help. Then see how she responds.

If you get a warm response, you'll probably want to make it a regular thing, then see if you can find a way to meet with her after hours or take her out on a date (but don't call it a date... just tell her it's drinks or food).

Right now, you want to find out first if she's "for real" or if she's just flirting for fun. If she's for real... then you want to build some connection through repeat office visits, and then get her out somewhere just the two of you and go from there.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase,

I've been friends with this girl for 2 years now, the reason that it has never moved forward is because she thinks relationships are full of bullshit, I have no idea why! Even other men that have tried to get her have failed.

This is the problem I've had and I'm completely confused with it: she often texts me first but always sounds like she isn't interested or doesn't want to continue the conversation. Can you help me with this please?

Also our school prom is coming up in a few months, how can I make that night the best in her life? Any help will be appreciated!

Thanks
Tom

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Tom-

The relationship one is easy enough to get around - ask her out (in person), not on a date, but just to hang out and get food / drinks. If she raises the objection that relationships are bullshit, tell her it's a good thing the two of you are going to get food / drinks as friends then. Persist calmly, gently, charmingly, but do persist, and frame it as being about that you think she's a cool person and you want to hang out as friends (but do it with a sexual vibe / bedroom eyes / bedroom voice about you).

If you can get her out on a couple of dates as "friends," then you can easily propose that the two of you go to prom - "But only as friends, of course; relationships are bullshit!" At that point, it becomes a bit of an inside joke - she knows the two of you are headed somewhere, but you keep maintaining a verbal mantra of, "Only as friends, of course!"

Could even become a fun thing once the two of you get comfortable... "Hey, how about we make out? But only as friends, of course. Because relationships are bullshit."

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Thanks Chase, your the man dude! I'm loving your "How to make girls chase" ebook, it's awesome :)

Tom

Nuncle's picture

I also think a problem with the "why can't I get a decent guy?" thing is that both men and women are confused about what women mean by this.

Men often think she means "Why can I only get jerks?", that by decent guy she means morally decent. So he then gets confused thinking "Well I'm morally decent, but no one ever looks at me!"

And women themselves kinda sorta think they mean this as well some times, which adds to the confusion.

In fact that has been the best epiphany in general that I have gained from this site - when trying to impress a mate men mash up the provider and the lover role. Media includes traits from both in their portrayal of what turns women on, not realising they are separate, and so men (certainly me) try to incorporate elements of both when out on the pull.

When talking to a girl I would one moment be all intense and pushy and then the next moment all sweet and dopey and cuddly. Then I would go home aggrieved that she hadn't viewed me as this hot sex God!

By the way I loved this insight:

"Somewhere along the way, things got so complicated we forgot that everything you want, somebody has to work hard to make.

So - if that person works really hard and makes something, who gets to use it - that person himself?

Or you?

The obvious answer of course is, "Well, the guy who worked hard and made the thing - duh!"

But it gets a lot more complicated when you throw a supply chain of 10 businesses into the mix. Then you've got some guy who worked really hard to make something, then someone else who compensated him for making it in exchange for him giving it to them, then somebody else who compensated the compensator in exchange for him giving it to them, then somebody else who compensated the compensator of the compensator in exchange for... and at some point, the random guy on the street looks at all this and says, "Hey, why don't you just give me something? You're already rich anyway, right?"

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Nuncle-

That's an interesting point about "morally descent." The biggest thing wrong that "nice guys" do is they fail to really get inside their heads and think, "If I was a woman, what would *I* want?" Instead, they try to guess what women want based off of popular media tripe and what women themselves say when trying to portray themselves as chaste saints (and everybody tries to portray him or herself as a saint, most of the time), and then they get frustrated when their entire view of the world as being a certain way is continually invalidated by the world itself.

They end up picking something like "morality" as their defining characteristic and why women SHOULD want them. Then, they often get fussy and upset and swing the other way, overreacting, when they realize that doesn't work. "Oh, she doesn't want morality? Fine, I'll be IMMORAL!" Where in fact it isn't that women don't want moral men... it's simply that women don't JUST want moral men, with nothing else attractive or powerful or sexy to offer.

Chase

Chris-Cassi's picture

Hey Chase,

I know you have already posted articles on the subject, but do you think you could post an article specifically about getting a girl to leave her boyfriend for you? That's something I'm sure a lot of guys would like to see!

Chris

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Chris-

I could do one, although I have reservations about this personally - it's my belief that most of the time when you peel a woman away from her boyfriend, you're training her to do the same thing to you she's doing to him.

Then again, not all the time... this is, in fact, exactly how my father got my mother, so I guess it goes somewhere at least every once in a while - after all, I'm here, and there's no denying that ;)

I'll see what I can do.

Chase

Nuncle's picture

Hi Chase

I do, by and large, think that "nice guy" pretty much just means "weak guy".

"Nice Guys" typically soon forget their principles once they get their hands on a bit of power (sexual or otherwise).

And your stereotypical womanising jerk usually has a tonne of good points to balance their jerkiness. For a start they tend to be warm people which accounts for at least some of their success with women. And they are strong enough to be able to defy convention which can be morally good sometimes.

Nearly all people are a mix of good and bad and that includes "jerks" and "nice guys".

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Nuncle-

Yes, most definitely. Whatever "nice" used to mean, it now translates as "weak, needy, and pathetic" when slapped as a label onto people (still means something "nice" when applied to other things though - "That's a really nice dog you got there!" "Wow, that cake sure has a nice smell!").

You can almost sum the word "nice" up to mean "has nothing going for him," these days.

Someone who's fat, ugly, uneducated, and boring will cry out, "Hey... I'm a nice person!" as if expecting points to be awarded based on that alone.

"Nice" is the bare minimum - it's a signal to everyone else who has something more than "being nice" going on for them to stay away, unfortunately.

Almost everybody's nice. What else have you got going on besides being nice and breathing air? That's the BIG question...

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey could use a little help so theirs a girl she liked me I liked her long story short I messed up and she said all feelings are gone for me. Although its like she still likes me all the signs suggest she is still attracted and has feelings for me but we don't text any more it's like she's playing a waiting game?? Shall I just take it as a loss, pursue her any advice would be appreciated many thanks in advance!!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Yes - best bet's moving on. You can try pushing the reset button on her expectations by letting her see you with other women - see these articles on that:

But she needs new data points, or time's rose-colored glasses, before she's able to start seeing you differently again.

For moving on, see these:

Chase

x2shotty's picture

Hey Chase,

I am not really sure how to contact you, and I am not one to generally follow blogs (nevermind pay), but I have been following your stuff for a while. Your blog has really opened my eyes, and changed my views on a lot of things. I am considered by women "good looking", "sexy", "hot", etc. and I have been told I have a lot of great qualities. However, I have always had this guilty feeling pushing things forward with women, because of how society looks at. Most of your stuff just makes me say "ah ha! that's why that happened!") You really have this stuff pinned down from a psychological standpoint, not just a gamey pick up artist standpoint; it's really amazing

Since I started reading your blog, I have been having a lot more fun dating, and I have been inspired to create my own company; we went incorporated in January. Good luck to you Chase, and thank you!

Best,
S

Author
Chase Amante's picture

S-

I'm terrible at email and not the best at responding (Genaro handles most of our email requests / customer service stuff when you use the contact form, although nice / different / exceptional things get passed on to me), so for reaching me directly comments actually are usually the best - you picked the right medium!

I'm thrilled to hear you made dating a much more fun activity (and a lot less guilt-inducing, I'd reckon), and honored you found this place worth subscribing to when you ordinarily never signup / subscribe to things (I don't really follow blogs either... when people started asking me to blog, my initial response was, "Does anyone actually read that stuff?").

Congratulations on getting your first company started. Starting and running a business is a challenge like little else, unless you're just doing it recreationally or you have a big head start in one way or another. But the lessons you take from it... phenomenal, and they apply just about everywhere. You're in for a big adventure, if it becomes something you really start plowing time and effort into.

Chase

kneek0's picture

Wow, its been a while since I've been on the site. But I must say, every article I read I learn something new, and not only in the field of dating, but in life in general. Chase I wish I had your wisdom! (LMAO I'm messing with ya I know I need to work for it) but in the last year of reading your blog I can say I have grown tremendously as a conscious human being in this world. Always appreciate your insight,

Forever mirin,
Kneek0

GNoelle's picture

Very interesting ideas you've got here. I do find myself a wee bit concerned about the idea of people exclusively as commodities. People are not always rational actors. This is why economist still get things wrong and we haven't reached some sort of perfect, rational utopia. That said, I do agree with you about people not having a realistic view of themselves. In your worldview, I'm a "pretty girl". I'm also very smart (Ivy-league) and professionally successful. I dated more than my fair share of "outlier men" : fit, business owners, successful artists, professors, independently wealthy, etc. Settling down was never an option for these men. There was always the even HIGHER value woman around the corner.
I really hoped one day I would meet a man who wouldn't be that shallow and wanted to partner up as equals. But alas, that's just not the way of the world is it? Men are men. Hopefully, I'll come back as one in the next life. Until then, I'm happy with the real world choice I made. I met a really wonderful "average" guy who is a paramedic and is always working hard, improving himself, he treats me like a total princess, and was all in on commitment. So much so, that I don't view him as average anymore at all. He gave me what I was looking for and now we both win.

Anonymous's picture

Women's value use to be measured for what they could do for society. Women's value is measured by looks. Society now has put so much emphasis on physical beauty that it destroyed the real meaning of a woman's beauty (which is what she could do to provide for the good of all society. Men don't see any value beyond physical beauty, which confuses society. They don't understand what relationships should be. men/women were meant to help each other out-that's about it folks.

Rico's picture

Chase--thank you for this post. It's genuis :]

TheRealTruth's picture

Well it is the real Truth that Most women are just down right Horrible to Date today, especially the ones that now have their Careers since many of them are so very Power Money Hungry as well as being so very Selfish and Greedy too. And they will always want the Best and will Never settle for Less which makes it very Sad how the women of today that are Nothing at all like the Good old fashioned women were.

I'm Batman's picture

Today's average men are being hit with a triple whammy. And there are quadruple whammies for ethnic men, of which there are more of today in the Western world than in the past. All dating woes, for both males and females, center around obtaining premium opposite sex peers. What each gender might consider premium is slightly different between the sexes however biologically there are almost always fewer premium males than females. This leads to a situation where the non-premium males exist in a frustrating state of "look but don't touch" where they observe many fertile females who meet their standards yet make themselves off limits to them.

The real strife between the male and female biology is the degree of attainability of the premiums. The ease of which women are able to satiate their desire for premium mates is what breeds contempt by the males. Males are often spurred by females and spend years alone attempting to qualify for the female's respect. Males very often spend huge chunks of their lives without human sexual contact as they are dismissed by the premium females forcing the men to slowly gain value in order to qualify for sex, be it through looks, status or money and in our well-fed society looks coming in first place. Females only need momentary access to a single premium male, sometimes as little as five minutes, to get pregnant and erode the value of her body for future males. This tenuous loss of value through indiscriminate breeding is a terror that males must contend with for a majority of their lives even if they are of an alpha stripe. Most women often do not identify with this reality and often do not understand, or even flat out mock, the male rage, depression and anxiety over their behavior and their various dalliances, after all those other guys are just her friends right?

Males have emotional systems designed to monitor their pool of respective females because being first is best whether the woman breeds children with you or not. Studying fruit flies we have learned that even receiving sperm and not getting pregnant affects female offspring, that is, males who get their sperm into females affect the offspring sired by future men often inheriting the size of the first male! So being first in a female is of utmost importance to all men, because if you do not win pregnancy you will at least win a consolation prize of having a ghost of your genes in children not sired by you! In the minds of males it only takes five minutes or less to destroy the premium value of their ideal female. Additionally the ability to obtain the ideal mate is a symbol for the male's bargaining position not just with the females, but over the entire society. Men certainly value single mothers much less than non-mothers as mates as they do not want to contribute to the raising of another man's offspring. The clutch of female value in the male mind combined with an ominous court system in the US means that males are under vast amounts of pressure to impress a female during her fertile period with as little investment as possible before she is received by a premium male who she often makes herself eternally available to.

That said here are the whammies affecting men today.

1st Women have become more narcissistic than ever before. More manly. More shameless. More opportunistic. This has been proven through psychological studies comparing female responses throughout the years. On the street this means harsher rejections with an army of well wishers supporting her. This is even seen in female morphology becoming heavier, with stronger jaws and hairier arms. What occurs in everyday hypergamy is that women learn to leverage more systems than ever before to crush males who do not fit her standards or offend her in any way. This leads to huge rejection risks for males who are non-premium and increases the barriers of entry to becoming a premium male. For males this also increases resentment against institutions and laws that might hinder their sexual progress. Many women have blogs dedicated to shaming unfit men, turning her sexual leverage in this society as a filtration weapon against males. This in effect stratifies the 80/20 beta to alpha pareto ratio to 90/10... maybe even more!

2nd Court systems that ensnare beta males. Enough has been said on this topic but I will add that the court systems that devastate beta males often let alpha males off scott free. This adds to the schism of the 80/20 pareto even more allowing alphas to sire children indiscriminately without financial consequence while betas (law-abiding or otherwise) are constantly financially crippled by these courts who gleefully act as proxies for the awakened female's desire to get revenge on the beta she was forced to settle for. This revenge tactic by the female is the primary reason for divorce nowadays, not negligent parenting or some other such nonsense. Anyway I believe marriage should be a temporary contract that can be renewed and not some traditional gesture perverted into lunacy by hungry courts. The children are the financial contract between the woman and the man, not the marriage.

3rd Availability of casual sex with normal weight young women for all. Average women are no longer available for average men to use as casual sex trainers to enhance their manhood and become more productive citizens in the society. Males need females to train their manhood as they grow. If you look at all of these mass shooters their main gripe is not being able to understand their true desirability to their ideal female. They all tended to have undeveloped sexual understandings of how women are and an ultra dark inferiority complex to other men because of it. These were males that simply needed more experience with normal weight women than they otherwise had access to. The protests of parents to the use of their daughters as sexual vessels is apparent but pointless, the females will become sexual entities eventually, their purpose might as well be to train the males how to be strong men - this is one of the most overlooked yet most important spiritual aspects of sex, the development of the male and female animus. Nowadays however many women are sanctioned off using the threat of harassment charges, expulsion or arrest should the male offend the female with a sex request. This is silly and anti-human in its practice. Women exist for the male sex drive, if not then the females are ugly or the system that curtails the drive is ripe for challenge and possibly demolition. Period. The women available to average males have become more hideous and less feminine than ever before and do not significantly add to a man's progress when he beds her. I will not go into comparing previous generations to the present one when talking about the availability of women for casual sex since throughout time its availability has ebbed and flowed. I will say that generally when men are prevented from marrying women when they are young and fertile, as what is happening with our liberated females today, the society often allowed prostitution to exist in order for the men to practice their manhood and avoid the development of dandy qualities. In today's world men are put between a rock and a hard place in terms of sexual satiety and growth. Prostitution is shunned, banned, and policed causing a massive dip in quality and a huge inflation of price while at the same time young women are avoiding marriage as well as casual sex from all suitors except the top tier ones. This scenario forces the men to expend all of their efforts on often fruitless mating rituals for females who are unswayed and leaves many men emasculated on the social scene. This also contributes to herbivore and apathetic male trends, the males have had so many normal females reject them that they've never had the ability to test their metal and develop their psyches. The male psyche needs women in order to confirm its greatness. A society that curtails this to an extreme ends up with demoralized, limp, fat bodied men without spirit. We already see scores of these sorts of men in computer and IT fields who are socially castigated by the society as sex partners. Needless to say women enjoy incredible amounts of courtship earnings in the West compared to other societies throughout the world. Western women are able to gobble up vast sums of male time and money through the dating process alone. Additionally the gender ratios are whacked up. The gender ratio is roughly 1 : 1.05 females to males giving females a massive advantage in the dating game in the West. When women are "equal" to men, they are superior. The gender ratio should be 1 : .80 or less in order for social stability allowing more females for the males to choose from. Due to these constraints on the males some might call the US heaven for women and hell for men.

4th (long) Obtaining the blonde. Western society, for some reason, pedestals blondes while at the same time making them increasingly rare. A eugenics program is in dire need to produce enough blonde women to feed the sexual demands not only of the West but also of the burgeoning 3rd World. Thin blonde women are the ultimate status symbol for most males and for ethnic males their ability to attain blondes and breed with them is their defining challenge. Most males prefer natural blondes because genetically they produce the highest amount of estrogen, have the most honest signals of fertility and lose the least amount of feminine hormones in waste compared to Asian and Black women. They are truly designed to captivate a male and as such should be made more available to the society as a whole. I cannot for the life of me understand why our society is able to make such innovations such as electric automobiles or computer processors more abundant and available for all yet the converse occurs when it comes to blonde women. As we progress they become even more exclusive and unattainable. The West's penchant for isolating blonde women, partitioning them off using stereotyping or racism, and/or bribing them with easy jobs are all counter effects of scarcity. Nationwide the raw number of natural blondes have been decreasing and with this decrease the remaining blonde females have been able to increase their demands and indulge in behavior that would be socially catastrophic to other non-blonde females (such as having offspring with different men). They are the gold standard for sex appeal and represent a psychological benchmark for all males to attain but even moreso for the ethnic. The fewer blondes in any particular area you will also find that racism is more prevalent as competition for those blondes increases feverishly. The psychopathic obsession of human rights and gender come into play when considering why blondes have become more rare and more coveted than ever before. The blonde women have somehow convinced the majority male populace that they should not be bred more than they want to, all but guaranteeing that the blonde form remains rare compared to other women. This essentially puts female demands for security above and beyond the male demand for sexual satiety All men want sexual satiety and blonde women with light eyes offer the greatest degree of sexual satiety. They elicit competition between all men to qualify for their sexual access with the losers feeling pronounced envy and hatred at the system that robs them of this prize. This is the role of the ethnic and the low status male, they experience by more envy, revenge thoughts and societal "negative waste" due to this imbalance in blonde availability. I believe it was stated somewhere that natural blonde hair is equivalent in worth to almost a year at an Ivy League school. That is basically a year's salary of advantages that will follow the blonde forever into her 40's (if she remains thin.) Where is this value appearing from? Nearly all the recent shootings in the US by rogue males would have been solved with higher quality low cost female blondes at the ready for them. What the West doesn't understand is that they cannot reveal the existence of a premium type of female via TV or internet and then institute a nationwide ceiling on the availability of that female. Doing so simply creates out of control sexually deranged misfits. Unlike a product like a sports car or a vacation home, males instinctively know that females simply need to be bred in greater frequencies in order for them to become more available to them, hence fantasies about becoming the last man on Earth etc. This serves to lessen the female's pickiness, lessen their choosiness and include the males in the premium genetic stock of the future. The lack of the blonde in any man's life is then a mark of failure since it means a lack of looks, status and money, and as all psychopathy extends from sex the scarcity of the blonde has simply improved the abundance of crime, depression and mania in the male population. For the ethnic his challenge is simply the larger degree of resistance he meets by the blonde compared to his non-ethnic peers. Blonde women therefore should be commoditized and their protests to their farming should be totally ignored. This could be done with statewide nurseries using factory style education and fitness facilities to produce clean, healthy, specimens who have learned useful trade skills and are open to sexual adventure. The moral quandary of what the blonde women mean to greater society as humans is not a question, they are vessels for sexual desire and motherhood. Their intelligence and personhood are merely philosophical ornamentation over their true purpose. No more will the blonde be an out of reach dream and overly pampered rarity as they are in the West and their ubiquitous nature will eradicate the prejudices of racism and territoriality as we know it. Additionally the worldwide demand for blonde mates is increasing as we speak. If demand for blonde mates are not met then the degree of psychopathy, crime and revenge will increase worldwide as well. Countries will be flooded into simply for access to this rare creature. This is why this particular concern on the changes of women is the most important one of all.

That about sums it up.

A harem in every pot!

This Is Why A Good Man Like Me Is Still Single Today's picture

Well most women are so very Horrible to date let alone getting married to them since they have really Changed for the Worst of all nowadays since their Greed And Selfishness is everywhere now unfortunately. American women are a total disaster altogether since most of them have absolutely No Personality at all and No Good Manors either which certainly tells the whole story right there. Trying to meet a Good woman to settle down with is a real joke too since many women are definitely a complete Psychopath as well as a Sociopath nowadays which makes it very Scary as well. This is a very Excellent Reason why many of us Good men are still Single today thanks to these Losers.

Oana Ureche's picture

Bettering yourself to become that person and get the pretty girl won’t work. Because once you’re better, the pretty girl won’t be of interest to you anymore. You’ll want the model. And so you get even better until all the girls shake in their boots. Since there will be no challenges, no girls no matter how beautiful they are will be of interest. You’ll never really be happy :)

James Bond's picture

American women are mentally ill, with a Texas sized sense of entitlement.
The real kicker is, most of them are not hot at all. Even if they look marginally good.
They dress like guys, they act like guys with a bad attitude, and think everybody owes them something.
No thanks.

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