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A hot topic on the discussion boards as of late has been
the concept
of escalation windows:
how to spot them, and what you should do when one of these colossal
portals to hanky-panky town is unlocked before your eager eyes.
Escalation windows can be hard to spot, and when detected, you must act
quickly and with conviction.
If you’re not quite sure exactly what we mean by the term “escalation window”, you should probably go ahead and give this 2011 article by Chase a quick read to get your feet wet.
Basically, escalation is an out-and-out requirement if you want to sleep with women. Why’s that, you ask?
To paraphrase a nice little tidbit that a very wise mentor once best owed upon me: “No Escalation, No Lovin’…”
So with that in mind, if you don’t escalate things… well, you know what will happen. Or, more precisely, what won’t happen.
Comments
Ensuring she gives you a chance
Hey NarrowJ,
Marvelous article. Thank you.
I liked your observation about "creating your own windows". Is there anything you can do to maximize your chances that a girl will present you with one or more recognizable escalation windows?
Put another way, if you're "too good" is there a risk that she'll think you can "manage by yourself" and fail to "give you a chance"? Or doesn't it work that way?
-Marty
RE: Ensuring she gives you a chance
Marty,
They'll tend to make things more obvious if it seems like they (1) think that they have to because of your inexperience, or (2) they really like you (or both!) As we all know, 95% of women have this social barrier with regard to being overtly suggestive and being too loose or easy. That's why I said in the article that if you mess up, she's more likely to give you more blatant hints (read: escalation windows). She has to really like you a lot to do this, though.
So the point here is, don't go thinking that acting inexperienced on purpose is going to make an easier path for you.
Girls give inexperienced guys easy hints, if they really like you and think you need some help with the whole process of you two getting together.
But experienced, sexy men... girls give easy hints to them basically because they like them as well. But, it's more of a "moving the interaction forward" thing, as much as it is "helping the guy out". The windows they present to these men come from an internal mindset of simply "hey, you can do this", as opposed to the "hey stupid, when are you finally going to make a move???" variety that are a result of you making mistakes.
So you often get the same windows and opportunities presented to you, just for (very) different reasons.
You're much better off being an experienced, sexy guy who can spot escalation windows and hit them on target and take her to bed saying to herself "wow, this guy is phenomenal!" than you are just plodding around and finally stumbling your way into her bed and have her thinking "well, that wasn't that great..."
Hope that helps explain!
J.J.
NJ, Great article; makes me
NJ,
Great article; makes me ponder on past interactions where I wasn't hitting escalation windows on time.
So, when a girl throws you an escalation window like "where do you live?", do you wait another minute or two to invite her home? And if so, is this particular escalation window an exception to the "hit the window now!" rule?
Cheers,
Nick
Auto-rejection Revisited
Oh man this article hit the right chords with me and I believe I finally understand what’s going on. I also believe that your auto-rejection theory has been unjustly limited only to the negative stereotype of an unattractive jerk whereas I think that auto-rejection encompasses much more than that! Today is a sad day for me because a girl I’ve really been into has pretty much told me she does NOT see me as a potential romantic partner (she offered to be friends though – ouch). Why? I believe Auto-rejection - but of a different kind. Rather than seeing me as a jerk that strings her along and then leaves her in the cold (the current auto-rejection theory) I expect that she sees me as too slow/nice/friendly/whatever. Essentially she stereotyped me into a category of men she doesn't date.
Stereotyping explains much of the variation that auto-rejection has and why it is so hard to break. Essentially there can be limitless stereotypes of men a girl thinks she would never get intimate with [although the stereotypes tend to be limited to a common few] and the reason auto-rejection is so powerful is because set stereotypes are so hard to break. That’s why the total asshole always gets the cold shoulder and the nice guy is stuck being friends – the girls don’t even NOTICE behavior from men that violates the stereotypes she set for them [because of personal confirmation biases] unless the behavior stands out SO much it leaves her no choice. That’s why if nice guys grow a pair all of a sudden (NOT gradually) and act like real men OR if the stereotypical jerks are seen to be completely gallant (such as walking an old lady across the street) and challenge the girl’s worldview they have a chance at being re-classified. [At least that’s my theory]
Here’s what happened with the girl I mentioned. I was too slow with this girl – the reason was that I discovered that she was only seventeen and this knowledge ground my escalation train to a halt. My attraction was strong nevertheless because she was one of those exquisitely rare, fantastically savvy, intelligent, feminine, and charming girls that just get it. My gut realized that I had to move forward because I couldn't see her as anything other than an equal but my ethics screamed “NO” and the cognitive dissonance paralyzed me from the get-go. I rebounded from my paralysis JUST after the window closed (I didn't know it at the time) but my mind was clouded with the large mental investment [referring to the cognitive dissonance] I have made into this girl. I was determined to get her. I was even cool with the prospect of not having sex for several months while dating her. (I thought “heck, I've gone longer”).The next time we hung out she told me about how she just slept with some guy she was obsessing about. GAME OVER. [Quick question, how would you get a girl obsessing over you if you can’t go all the way during the escalation windows? i.e. I may not want to take her home right now due to XYZ but perhaps I want to save the option for some time in the future. Like with this guy for example, she was apparently obsessing over him BEFORE they hooked up NOT after.]
I’m on the fence about accepting her friendship offer – I've been thinking it over in my head the entire day. I mean she’s a cool girl I’d rather have in my life simply because she is interesting to me whereas most that girls I meet bore me. I've once had a taste of awesome and anything sub-par just doesn't do it for me anymore. On the other hand I’m still kind of into her and I don’t want to have to deal with wanting her in vain. At other times I feel like going all out to break the stereotype she has of me. Alas that’s not an option right now given the under-age thing which still bothers me [seriously, I dodged a bullet there], but please forgive the greediness of a second question and, if you, can please tell me if there’s any way possible that perhaps a year down the road I can turn things around with this girl if I’m still into her?
Hit the windows, things got hot, didn't bed her though...
Ok, so what is the play if you hit the windows, things escalate. You take it to everything but sex the first time you meet and the following day she is uncomfortable that things moved to fast for her. In other words, you the catalyst was powerful, she was all about it and having a great time. However when you are absent, the catalyst is gone, she begins to second guess her actions. She becomes concerned that things moved what to fast. Maybe she has concerns that she came across slutty or to loose. Perhaps she is not one of those types but your games was on point and you got her hot and she lost control in a way. The next day she tells you that the two of you moved to fast and she likes to take things slower. What is actually being communicated and what is the correct way to handle this?
Identifying escalation windows
Great article J.J. I definitely understand the concept of escalation windows and I feel like an idiot now after thinking back to past opportunities I've had with women where the windows of opportunity they were giving me were flying right over my head since I didn't know that's what they were. I know you kind of went into it already here, but I was hoping you can write a follow-up article or point me/us in the direction of articles that go more in-depth in regards to specifically being able to identify when a girl is giving you an escalation window. I still feel that as a novice I might not be very good at knowing when I'm presented with an escalation window or not.
Ugh. I think I'd rather stare
Ugh. I think I'd rather stare at a wall and masturbate.
If she wants it, you will get it almost no matter what. Most of the time they don't want it much and are waiting for you to bid up a "better" transaction to make it "worth their time"
You shouldn't have to do anything to get laid but end with both in orgasm
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