Social Commentary | Girls Chase

Social Commentary

How to Be a Dominant Man: What You Didn't Know About the 'Winner Effect'

how to be a dominant manDominance is a touchy topic. It's positively loaded with cultural baggage - in the West, we're averse to both the idea of being dominant over others and of others being dominant over us. It has all kinds of ill-favored connotations that most would rather just avoid. I'm throwing all of that out today though and talking to you about how to be a dominant man, political correctness and sensitivity aside - and I'm going to teach you a lot of things you didn't know about dominance before today.

In the post on how to be an alpha male (without becoming a stereotype), we broke down the difference between what's generally thought of as "alpha" and what alpha actually is, and about the character of the nomad -- the man who's neither alpha, nor beta, nor any other role in a social hierarchy, but instead operates outside it entirely.

I've long noticed a failure to differentiate among "being alpha" and "being dominant" in those who discuss social dynamics. They're treated as one and the same -- if you're being alpha, you're dominant, and if you're being dominant, you're alpha.

But they aren't the same. Being alpha's about heading up your group.

Meanwhile, being dominant... that's about something else altogether. What that is -- that and the winner effect -- is what this article is all about.

Rule Makers and Rule Breakers: How Your Disposition Impacts Your Success with Women

rule makerI'm sitting at Washington-Dulles International Airport outside of Washington, DC, listening to the ticket lady bark orders at a crowd of passengers trying to board a plane to Denver.

"Seating Areas 1 and 2 only!" she shouts. "If you're Seating Area 3 or 4, feel free to have a seat and make yourself comfortable, there's no need to stand. If you're Seating Area 3 or 4 and traveling with someone else you may board, but if not please wait for me to call your Seating Area. Boarding Seating Areas 1 and 2! Areas 1 and 2 only!!"

It strikes me that this woman is a stickler for the rules. And, that her admonition is probably entirely directed at those who prefer to break the rules -- the ones who can't stand the rules.

And that made me think about how different people deal with rules differently.

Some people need rules, and define themselves by them. If you take away the rules, they become scared and confused. If they see or hear about people breaking the rules, they become angry and upset and work to get those people back in line. If you give them new rules to follow and explain why those rules are necessary, they're the fastest to adapt and learn to work within them and uphold them.

Other people can't tolerate rules at all, and try to break them whenever possible. These are the crazy, dynamic people who never are still, and this personality type probably defines the founders of a majority of businesses and governments and new branches of art and science out there -- and they're also the ones you see ending up in shouting matches trying to get their ways, or ending up in prison for going too far.

And then you've got people in the middle -- I'm one of those. I don't like the rules, and I'm happiest when the rules disappear, but I'm fine operating within them if I need to so long as I know I'm working toward a place where I can be free and do what I want to do. People like me also tend to be good at using one rule to break another, thereby getting our way but making it difficult for the rule makers who comprise the majority of society to argue with us, because hey, there was a conflict in the rules -- we just chose one of them instead of the other.

It's my belief that whether you play by the rules or not is a big determinant of the trajectory you take learning to get better with women, what's easy for you, what's hard, and where you eventually even want to get to.

So let's talk some about the rule makers and the rule breakers.

Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls

can't stop thinking about herYou know that feeling. There's this girl you've been chasing forever. You positively, absolutely, can't stop thinking about her. She's the most amazing woman in the world -- you're certain of it. There's never been another one like her.

Her laughter sounds like the delicate tinkling of the finest crystal.

Her voice sounds like the music of the heavens.

The sight of her sets your heart pounding a thousand beats per minute.

You know that if you could just get her, you'd be happy forever and you would never want anything else ever again. Maybe you're not even certain if you believe in marriage or soul mates or "The One" -- but maybe you'd make an exception to all of that for her.

You'd do anything for her.

Well, as you well know by now, I'm not the type to hold punches, sugarcoat things, or sell you fairytales wrapped in gumdrops. So, this isn't per se a post on how to finally get that girl you can't stop thinking about.

Instead, this is a post about how you can wrest back control of your heart, mind, and dating life -- and how you can get yourself to a place where you're truly happy bringing actual women of quality into your life, instead of sitting there pining away for a vision (built more from your ideas of an idealized version of a flawless her than on her her actual self) of That One Special Girl.

The White Knight: Superman Syndrome and Damsels in Distress

white knight"It's odd that men feel they must protect women, since for the most part, they must be protected from men."

- Abigail Duniway

One of the true but uncomfortable facts of life is that men and women treat each other the same way they treat other resources -- food, money, shelter, possessions. "You are mine," goes the thinking, much of the time. Or, alternatively, "You should be mine."

You'll see this in women to some degree, both with guys they want as providers and with guys they want as friends (curiously, women don't seem as fixated on "keeping" men in the lover category), but where you'll really see it a lot is with men -- particularly, the kind of man who doesn't get the kind of success with women he needs to feel that women are an abundant resource.

That kind of man is what you might call a "white knight." And he sees it as his mission in life to "save" women he views as "damsels in distress" -- only to make them his, of course.

If you ask me, this "pretend heroism" is a particularly sleazy way to try and get girls.

I'll share a personal anecdote: while I was out of town a few months back, my girlfriend, in a stressful position then, took to confiding in people about, well, everything that could possibly bother her. And, of course, as often happens in relationships, one of the primary things she confided about was me.

As it were, one of the folks she confided to turned out to be a real white knight. He was a photographer on a shoot she did; while she modeled, she also talked. And she vented about me. And this noble, heroic man, he decided that my girlfriend needed to be "saved" from me.

"I have to be honest, while we were shooting photographs today, I felt something for you," he told her in an email message afterward. "I want to take care of you," he continued. "This guy, your boyfriend, he doesn't realize what he's got. Maybe because he's too young -- he doesn't know how to value a woman as amazing as you are. I would treat you so well," he told her. "I want to take care of you after you break up with your boyfriend."

Sigh... I go away for a few weeks, and this is what I get, huh? Here he comes to save the day.

Just Be Yourself: The Worst Dating Advice Known to Man

just be yourselfAbout a day ago, we had a commentator on the post on how to become romantic who weighed in to let me know that it's silly to try and get better with people, and that most people have better things to do, and that in fact you really should just be yourself, and anyone who doesn't realize how awesome you are is simply intellectually stunted.

Where do people come up with this malarkey?

I know he represents a vanishingly small minority on this site -- and likely was just a passerby -- but this mentality represents the majority of the thought on the subject in mainstream society.

"Just be yourself. If people don't like you for who you are, who needs 'em?"

Quite likely one of the most counterproductive mindsets a man could possibly have. Anyway, I addressed that commentator's individual points pretty thoroughly in the comments section of that article itself, so I won't revisit it here, but I do want to talk about this mentality of "just be yourself" -- and why it's such terrible, terrible advice.

Understanding Women: It's Not as Hard as You Think

understanding womenWomen do some strange, confusing things.

Things like getting rude and angry with men who are treating them as well as they possibly can. Things like telling a man they're not wearing any underwear... and then walking away when he gets too excited. Things like saying "no" when they mean "yes," and "yes" when they mean "no."

So you'll be forgiven for thinking it must be impossible understanding women.

And to top it all off, most women don't even understand themselves. They can explain some of the simpler things they do, but if you start asking them why they (or other women) do the more complicated things they do, you get answers that are full of holes. They sound good on an pure emotional level, but take a moment to analyze the logic and you'll realize it doesn't hold water.

Women really honestly don't know why they do what they do. So how could you possibly know? But, in fact, learning to understand women actually isn't an impossible task. It's a lot easier than you might think, in fact... so long as you understand a few little things, first.

Most Important Thing to Becoming a Lover of Women? Don't Be Bitter.

don't be bitterI sat there in a café by myself, staring blankly at a couple of abandoned plates of food.

"I won't let this make me bitter," I whispered under my breath.

I'd spent the night talking and moving from club to club with a girl I liked a lot and had been pursuing for months. She was smart, funny, tall -- beautiful. Everywhere she went, she attracted men to her, like moths to a flame. But she treated me different than all the other guys rotating around her; them she'd be polite but dismissive toward; me, she'd spend hours just sitting there talking to. She didn't do that with anyone else. That night, it'd been just us, the entire night -- and she'd been talking about the two of us going to an "after-party" together -- I started thinking that finally, after all this time and effort, I was getting somewhere with her. I suggested we could just chill at my apartment.

And then, in the middle of us eating at a café at the end of the night, before heading to our "after-party," some guy she knew happened to show up, just as she'd gotten up and was heading into the bathroom. She was excited to see him -- then, they disappeared around the corner together. When they came back, they were laughing like little kids... and they sat down next to each other across from me.

I'd been sitting next to her before she got up.

It was early 2006. I didn't know what I was doing -- I'd only been trying to get better with women for a year, and only actively doing it -- religiously -- for about 2 or 3 months now. But I figured I had to try to save this; I'd try anything I could. It couldn't fall apart -- not now. Not when we were so close, after months of hard work.

So I tried boyfriend destroyers, even though this guy wasn't her boyfriend.

I tried seeming as calm and nonplussed as possible as they flirted in front of me.

I tried going over the top and telling them what a beautiful couple they made as they fed each other food across the table from me, hoping she'd protest that they weren't a couple. Instead, she only played along more, telling me she'd been chasing this guy forever but that he kept turning her down.

And then, despite my efforts, the moment I went to the bathroom to collect my thoughts, they disappeared.

The bill was waiting on the table for me when I got back. And they were gone... off into the night together.

"Don't be bitter," I said to myself.

How to Be an Alpha Male -- Without Becoming a Stereotype

how to be an alpha maleIf there's one pet peeve I have right now, it's the current way being an "alpha male" is talked about in most pick up and dating circles. I've gotten to the point personally where I cringe every time I hear some guy talking about "being alpha."

But I don't want to go on an anti-alpha tirade here, because at it's core, the alpha male ideology is very correct; it's just that the term itself has become so laden with cultural baggage that "the alpha male" has just about become a stereotype -- a clownish, cartoon caricature of what an alpha male used to be.

Every time I hear the term "alpha" these days, I imagine some bald, shirtless, gargantuan, vein-popping 'roid-head screaming, "Alpha... ALPHA!!!" at the top of his lungs, and a crowd of skinny nerdy guys standing around him, pointing at him in awe, and whispering to each other, "That's alpha. That's how you get the ladies."

This post is my effort to wrestle back the term "alpha male" from the shadow of itself it's become, and redefine once and for all what the term really means -- and exactly how to be an alpha male... without turning yourself into a cartoon character.

How to Get Girls: The Last Post You'll Ever Need

How to Get Girls: The Last Post You'll Ever Need

how to get girlsThe post "Should You Pay for a Date?" is still, it appears, attracting its fair share of outrage from what seems mostly to be women, who don't like the fact that I'm recommending, based on my own experiences and all of those of every man I'm acquainted with whose tried both ways, that men not pay for their dates if they want better results with girls.

These commentators are protesting, of course, because doesn't fit with the way they think the world ought to work.

But I don't write this blog to talk to people about the way the world ought to work. It'd be great if men could just buy women dinner and women would automatically upon the completion of that romantic date then become the men's lovers, girlfriends, and wives immediately thereafter.

That's not what happens, though. And what this site is about is what does happen -- what works, what doesn't, and everything in between.

So let's settle this, then. I've decided to craft for you, today, the definitive post on how to get girls. After reading this post, your core questions on how to be successful with women are all going be answered -- and any of you ladies reading on here, buckle yourselves in because we're going to take an intensive, in-depth look at the way you choose the men you do.

When It's Worth Fighting

when it's worth fightingI was out last night with a friend at about midnight, and we stopped to ask for directions. I saw a pair of women on a patio as they were leaving a bar, and asked them if they knew where the place we were trying to find was. In the midst of them telling me as I stood there a bit beneath them on the street -- "Go to the cinema, then..." a large, obviously drunken man strode up to the edge of the patio they were standing on, towering over me.

"Oy," he said, and raised his fist in what sort of looked like a greeting.

"Hi," I said, and flashed him a smile. He dropped his fist smack into my forehead, and it connected with a dull thud and a mild sting.

Now, I come from a background of formerly having been a bit of an angry guy, and a bit of a fighter. I used to get in a fair amount of fights, about all kinds of pointless things. Anything that might just be considered disrespect, I used to be ready to go to war over.

These days, I don't make physical confrontation that much a priority for me. I'll use it when absolutely necessary -- I manhandled a guy a few days back who tried pickpocketing me late at night in the rain -- but the risk is often far greater than the reward.

And that's what I want to discuss today -- assessing combat situations well and accurately gauging the risk-reward ratio -- not just for yourself, but for your opponent. Because it's necessary that, as you make your way through the world, you learn when it's worth fighting -- and when it isn't.