Seduction

A good, if somewhat disreputable, buddy of mine in Southern California who'd bedded a significant number of women he'd met primarily at dive bars once summed up his philosophy of getting girls to me like this: "Just get 'em drunk, bring 'em home, get 'em more drunk, and have sex!" Ah, the age-old combination of sex and alcohol.

People've been doing it that way since the Ancient Greeks were sporting togas and spears. Sex and alcohol have gone hand-in-hand in human society for a long, long time. Stands to good reason there ought to be some good reasons for it, then, too.

Everyone knows why the two make such good bedfellows: alcohol lowers inhibitions, and sex is something we tend to have a lot more when our inhibitions are in said lowered condition. Alcohol also serves as a social lubricant – liquid courage, if you will – making men more bold and women more willing. But it goes deeper than that – and if you truly want to master the seductive arts, you're going to need to be willing to loosen your grip on the bottle, too.

In the seductions of every man, there comes a time when his woman begins to object. “What are you doing?” she’ll say. “I don’t think we should be doing this.” “We can’t do this, it’s too soon.” “We can’t do this, we’re friends.”

Most of the time, this stops men cold, freezing them in their tracks with no recourse and no idea what to say or do. “Crap,” the guy thinks. “She’s protesting. What do I do now??” So, rather than take uncertain action with uncertain effects, he does nothing, and nothing happens, and the girl leaves. The seduction is forfeit, and he has lost his girl.

But objections don’t have to mark the end of a seduction. In fact, you can actually use objections to make a girl want you more, and make her more certain that you’re the man for her. And it all ties back to some psychological basics to understand why.

Something I noticed when I made the shift from being cool and friendly to being cool and sexy and edgy was that all of a sudden, women wanted to go to bed with me fast, and they were a lot less pushy about relationships. At the time, I just thought, “Well, of course, women want to have sex with a sexy man.” Well, I just read some research that fleshes this out quite a bit more.

In the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 100(2), February 2011, Terri Conley of the University of Michigan’s Department of Psychology goes back and reopens research into casual sex propositions, and her findings with this new research are quite revelatory, at least when it comes to breaking down old paradigms in the “men want casual sex, women don’t” view of the world.

Hi mate,

I just wanted to shoot you a quick message to say thanks for answering all my questions - I have your blog on my Chrome start bar now and love reading all the articles (and my game has improved a lot).

I got your blog address from over at mASF where i post occasionally under Lachstar; if you have some spare time, I'd love to hear your thoughts on Neo-Rio's manwhore style of game, which seems both directly opposed to your style (in that it seems cold and impersonal, whereas yours is warm and giving) and also complimentary (getting the girls to chase him, etc). I've been reading a bit about his style of game and I have some mixed feelings about it. Like - where does he get his affection from? He'd get his sexual needs met, for sure, but affection would be hard to get simply being a whore for girls.

Anyway, thanks again, and if you want to respond to my email or post it somewhere on your blog, either is good. Can't wait for the book!

Regards,

Lachstar

Thanks for writing, Lachstar. Lach raises some interesting questions here. He’s referring to a poster (Neo-Rio) over on a seduction forum called mASF, who has a style of seduction that Lach describes as rather cold. This post is written as a reply to Lach’s email, outlining my thoughts on Neo-Rio’s approach and what differences and similarities exist between his and my take on seduction.

Discussing his night out at a club with a friend of mine, I noted that at one point a girl he liked was wanting to talk to him but he was playing it cool. His girl then went off talking to another guy, then disappeared for a while, and my friend was sitting there, fingers crossed, hoping it would work out. He eventually got to talking to this girl again and made out with her a bit later, and probably could’ve gotten together with her had a few things occurred differently, but one of the biggest things that stuck out to me was that period where my friend was left waiting and hoping.

It stuck out to me because I realized that was something I used to do a lot of, but now I never do at all. It wasn’t a conscious decision; it’s not one of those things you train for typically in the social arts. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone talk about not waiting and hoping, come to think of it. It’s always more about leading and being decisive, but those things are rarely explained with any degree of specificity.

I realize now though that it’s very bad form, and that it is as well indicative of holes in your game. I used to get very impatient when I was waiting for women to do something, and impatience, I always used to think, is not a good thing to be feeling. This post is going to focus on not leaving seduction to chance, on recognizing and closing those holes you discover while playing the waiting game, and how to take action in an effective, non-needy way.

A week ago one of the readers of this blog, Alex, requested I get a post up on physical escalation and getting on with the seduction once you’ve got a girl back somewhere private. Alex’s comment:

As for inviting her home, I would really love to see a post about transitioning to getting physically when she's at my place. Do you kino a lot before you invite her home or leave it like kissing for the right/better moment when two of you are all alone? Do you do more comfort stuff to make her feel connected and comfortable and then maybe some talking about sex topics to make her a little horny, how do you move closer to her both physically and mentally to have sex with her? How do you proceed and from your experience how much kino is needed before trying to sleep with her? Is it even required? On the other side, if there's no kino compliance before such as careessing, initimate hand holding (you know who puts much emphasis on it), but no problem with for example putting your hand on her lower back when shopping, should I be concerned about it?

All very good questions, Alex. I’ll share with you what I’m doing these days, and what I advise guys to do.

Is there anything more annoying than having a girl you put a lot of time and sweat into building rapport with flake on a date with you? You planned everything out perfectly, finally steeled yourself to ask her, set everything up, and then… the girl flakes.

She's a no-show.

No good.

It used to drive me crazy when girls flake, and I know for a fact it still drives plenty of other guys out there crazy too.

Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be a dating death sentence, because there are plenty of both preventative measures to avoid a girl flaking... and salves to smooth things over and recover from a flake if it's already happened.

Let's look at both.