Dealing with crazy other males

Clout

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Dec 20, 2012
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So I have an issue come up, over the past year I have been seeing a lady around my age (early 20's). In this time she has slept with one other, once while I was away travelling (half a year). I expected this number to be a lot higher but each to their own. It was actually admitted to me as she felt horrible about it, I made it clear we are both single and that was that (furthering my belief in good sex = loyal).

What I didn't know what the individual she slept with is basically crazy, from the looks of it he has suggested he will "smash" my face in. He has a past so the girl logged it with the police - I have been trained in MMA and under the law system here that can be classed as a "weapon". I also have Krav Maga training which would also look terrible in a court of law if this idiot does attack me and I am in a position to defend myself. It is essential that I do not get any convictions as I would loose my career.

At this point in time I feel not seeing her will make little difference as the guy in question has already made threats and said he would not talk to her again. He has actually been around me in clubs without me realising and has not done anything, I am also very well guarded in clubs I attend as the doormen treat me like a friend instead of customer.

I am not looking for "kick his ass", "call the police" I am looking for if people have had experience and can suggest best stances to take to decrease aggression as I said it is vital I do not get a criminal record.
 

Franco

Tribal Elder
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Clout,

I don't have a lot of experience here myself, but I would say just to ignore the guy as much as possible until he gets over trying to intimidate you. As long as you aren't proactively pushing the guy to keep his aggression high, it's likely he'll eventually stop wasting his time (and yours).

Keep in mind that self-defense is an absolute last resort. Even though you know you might be able to totally disable and beat his ass, it's best to consider all other options first should things escalate to that level. This includes trying to remain in highly public locations where you can "yell" at each other first so that you draw public attention to yourselves. Not only does it provide witnesses in case he decides to make the first blow, but it also increases the likelihood that any serious fight gets broken up before it even starts (or gets too serious).

- Franco
 

trashKENNUT

Cro-Magnon Man
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Clout,

Clout said:
He has actually been around me in clubs without me realising and has not done anything, I am also very well guarded in clubs I attend as the doormen treat me like a friend instead of customer.

Most guys are "all talk only". Unless you in the ghetto or somewhere there is yakuza, Japan (their girlfriends have tattoos as symbol of property), then most of the time, it's okay.

The most i encounter is shoulder clashes in clubs because one is not happy with another person, and not me. but then, I agree with Franco, self-defense is last resort.

Zac
 

Clout

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Messages
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I agree with you on the ignoring part Franco I didn't reply to a message he sent me. I didn't think about keeping in public and like I said self-defence is my last resort as I do not want to mess my future over this. I also wouldn't shout at someone as I act very calm (usually unnerves people) when faced with aggression but in this instance if public I think it would be useful.

Zac I do think 99% of males are just talk but last week a guy tapped her on the ass and he came over and broke his nose, this with a few of the messages I have seen and knowing he has a past means he is the only person I have encountered who would definitely take it further. He also has people informing him of my and her whereabouts. Its pretty fucked up.

Its nice to get clarity on others on this, thank you guys.
 

Franco

Tribal Elder
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Clout,

I also wouldn't shout at someone as I act very calm (usually unnerves people) when faced with aggression but in this instance if public I think it would be useful.

Right. This is a progression though; it would certainly be best at first to try to calmly (and quietly) resolve the issue. But if it seems like he's going to take it to the next level, that's when you need to raise your voice loud so that everyone in the vicinity can hear you. You'd be surprised how often attackers back down the second they notice they're now under the public spotlight.

- Franco
 

Clout

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Dec 20, 2012
Messages
58
Thanks Franco, yeah I guess with my training in MMA shouting was a "nono" because you must remain in thought and in Krav they train you to shout but thats once combat is initiated to interfere with opponents thought. I am hoping it will die down. Its funny, after reading this website I have spotted crazy actions by men due to lack of control with their mating possibilities but every now and then I am generally surprised how someone could let it get that far without taking action on correcting it.
 

Chase

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Clout-

I'll add: it generally takes two to tango. If you run into him and he's pissed, unless he's already raring to go, so long as you don't escalate back with him when he tries to escalate a guy usually won't get the buildup he needs to ramp things up into fighting. e.g., usually it starts with him mouthing off at you, then you mouth off at him, then he shoves you, then you shove him, then he decks you, then you deck him, then it's a full-on fight. What you want to do instead is interrupt this pattern right from the get-go before it can even get any momentum built up behind it and turn into an outright altercation.

I'd think you'd be better off finding a way to meet this guy yourself, in a non-aggressive environment (like, not a big loud nightclub where they're playing aggressive hip-hop music) and chat with him. I'd start with something in a super-calm but super-firm voice like, "Hey man, so we've got this weird situation going on where, if I've got the details right, I'd been sleeping with this girl for about four months, and then you slept with her a couple of times while I was still already seeing her, and now you're angry and I've gotten like a threat from you or something, and it's all kind of weird and hard-to-follow for me, so can you help me understand what's going on?"

Just take it really calm, take it from the perspective of "this whole thing doesn't make sense to me, so can you please help me understand?" and then get him to tell you his story and explain why he's so pissed off. Even if you think you know, just play dumb and get him talking. As he explains everything and you just listen empathetically and nod your head and go, "Huh, I see," and ask questions to get him telling you more - AND DON'T TRY TO JUMP IN AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF OR DEFEND YOURSELF AT ALL - it sucks all the steam right out of his sails because him explaining to you and being understood by you sucks the wind out of his sails; instead of trying to stomp your teeth in to make his point, he's now made it verbally by complying with your calm questioning.

Every time I've done this with guys, by the end of the explanation all the hostility is gone and now it's just a kind of impotent frustration, that ends in a little semi-frustrated, whiney lecture: "So just don't do that, okay man? That stuff really messes with people's heads! When you do that sort of stuff it pisses people off!" And you just go I understand man, I get you, that totally makes sense. And then you end it and walk off, and the dude has no desire to mess with you again because he feels like that encounter, whatever it was, just sucked all the energy right out of him and made him feel weak and ineffective, and he doesn't even know why (the reason: because you got him talking about why he felt so angry and helpless, and put him deep into an emotional state where he's been robbed of his anger and left feeling understood but now even weaker [since you dominated the conversation and had him do all the talking and explaining] and still helpless).

Chase
 
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