Why do women chase and date men who seem so obviously below their level?
It is, simply, because women (and men) don't approach dating from a rational perspective, they approach it from an emotional perspective.
Do most people have a list of what they like, what they don't like, and what they're looking for in a partner? Sure. Do most people actually follow that list very closely in practice? Maybe. I'm not sure.
But what I've found is that, not surprisingly, most people go after and stay with partners who make them feel good. And this aspect of relationships is often not as correlated with people's lists, or even what we at a social level generally understand to be attractive, as we think.
Why is this important to us as more experienced veterans of the game?
Think about this. How do we evaluate potential mates in our environments as worth investing time and energy into building a relationship with? If you're like me, pretty critically. I don't have a lot of extra time and energy to spend on girls, and I know I'm a pretty good catch, so I'm not too worried about anyone being "out of my league". So, I tend to go by my list. If a girl demonstrates enough value/attractiveness, I'll build a relationship with her. And once you've been operating this way for a while, you might start to think that everyone operates this way, and that's very not true.
So what is the real "list" that most people use to evaluate potential mates? Some of it is the list of qualities that they'd tell you if you asked them, "What are you looking for in a partner?" But it's also:
The thing is, we don't mention these qualities in our lists of desirables because they're things that generally any human being can provide. In other words, when it comes to dating and mating, for the vast majority of people, something is better than nothing.
No surprise there, right? And it makes sense that those of us who (thankfully) live in abundance in terms of mates, are not going to place the same value on "something, anything" -- we consider that trivial, so to speak.
Here's another way of looking at it. The first time I got a girlfriend, it made me really happy. The first time I slept with a really hot chick, it made me happy. The first time I dated a girl who exceeded my expectations across the board, it made me really happy. And what happened next? Each time, my expectations went up. Not because of the girls or the "accomplishments" at all, simply because I continue to increase my value as a mate over time. So now, a girl who would have made me quite happy some years ago, isn't going to bring me the same joy today. And remember, it's that joy that motivates most people's mating decisions, not the critical evaluation.
What's the conclusion here?
Anyway, these are just some thoughts I've had lately.
What do you guys think?
- It's not usually because they're unaware of their own attractiveness.
- It's not usually because the guy has some great "game" or "tricked" the girl
- It's not usually due to a dearth of "better" options in their environment
It is, simply, because women (and men) don't approach dating from a rational perspective, they approach it from an emotional perspective.
Do most people have a list of what they like, what they don't like, and what they're looking for in a partner? Sure. Do most people actually follow that list very closely in practice? Maybe. I'm not sure.
But what I've found is that, not surprisingly, most people go after and stay with partners who make them feel good. And this aspect of relationships is often not as correlated with people's lists, or even what we at a social level generally understand to be attractive, as we think.
Why is this important to us as more experienced veterans of the game?
Think about this. How do we evaluate potential mates in our environments as worth investing time and energy into building a relationship with? If you're like me, pretty critically. I don't have a lot of extra time and energy to spend on girls, and I know I'm a pretty good catch, so I'm not too worried about anyone being "out of my league". So, I tend to go by my list. If a girl demonstrates enough value/attractiveness, I'll build a relationship with her. And once you've been operating this way for a while, you might start to think that everyone operates this way, and that's very not true.
So what is the real "list" that most people use to evaluate potential mates? Some of it is the list of qualities that they'd tell you if you asked them, "What are you looking for in a partner?" But it's also:
- Someone who gives them attention
- Some who they feel comfortable with due to familiarity
- Someone they can have sex with without it being weird or feeling social pressure (due to familiarity/established boundaries)
- Someone they can talk to on a regular basis
- etc.
The thing is, we don't mention these qualities in our lists of desirables because they're things that generally any human being can provide. In other words, when it comes to dating and mating, for the vast majority of people, something is better than nothing.
No surprise there, right? And it makes sense that those of us who (thankfully) live in abundance in terms of mates, are not going to place the same value on "something, anything" -- we consider that trivial, so to speak.
Here's another way of looking at it. The first time I got a girlfriend, it made me really happy. The first time I slept with a really hot chick, it made me happy. The first time I dated a girl who exceeded my expectations across the board, it made me really happy. And what happened next? Each time, my expectations went up. Not because of the girls or the "accomplishments" at all, simply because I continue to increase my value as a mate over time. So now, a girl who would have made me quite happy some years ago, isn't going to bring me the same joy today. And remember, it's that joy that motivates most people's mating decisions, not the critical evaluation.
What's the conclusion here?
- Don't underestimate the value of giving people attention/making them feel good. After a while, it gets easy to rely on being high value/attractive for dating success, but a little effort still goes a long way. A girl who's a 7 might still choose the 5 that gives her attention and game over you, the 8 who stayed aloof/didn't really try.
- Don't assume that just because you're approaching mating from a critical, rational, non-results-oriented approach, that most other people are.
- Don't underestimate the value of having "somebody, anybody!" This seems counter-intuitive to abundance, but it's actually not. Sometimes we find ourselves in a season of life where we have little time/energy to devote to building relationships. If you're used to having lots of high-value girls, you might become even more picky, saying, "if I only have time for one first date a week, I'd better be very picky about who I ask out." But this can become a trap of over-estimating opportunity cost to the point of paralyzing our ability to take action.
Anyway, these are just some thoughts I've had lately.
What do you guys think?