FU  - My Tinder Fail

I met a girl (20) on Tinder. First date started out great then rapidly turned South.

When we finally met after a few days of interesting conversation and flirting she was totally into me. She tried very hard to impress me and made sure I wasn't bored. We don't live in the same city but our distance isn't very far so she wanted to make sure she took me to all the hot spots. We made out several times that night but as the night went on she started to drink more and more. Eventually she ended up hugging the toilet at the club. And as I was trying to chaperone her out of the club a few male aquaintances she knows we're trying to "take care" of her and "drop her home" of course I couldn't have that so I took her back to my place to sober her up and she crashed and spent the night.

In the morning she freshened up and had some coffee, then we started to make out and ended up in bed. I myself was a bit hungover and tired from toting her body at 3 A.M trying to find a taxi the night before that I just could not do anything more than foreplay (disappointing). She had plans in afternoon so she left a few hours later after resting a bit.

On my way back home we texted a bit. She said that she doesn't know why but when we were on the bed about to have sex she didn't feel any sexual urges. She said it's weird and can't explain why but that's just how she felt. But she said that she wanted to go along with it because she felt as if she owed me for coming to see her and taking her out and protecting her that night. She says she feels safe around me and looks forward to hanging out with me again.

Fast forward a couple weeks later and I hit her up to see her again. I was flirting with her, when she said that she thought we spoke about this already. (I misunderstood what she meant, I though that she just wasn't in the mood to have sex because she was still hungover and groggy) Apparently she meant that she's not comfortable doing anything sexual/romantic with me at all.

So of course I cancelled the second date because I don't know how to interact with her now, nor do I want go out of way just to see a friend. I think there's something that switches a woman's feelings toward you when you see them in such a horrible state. Or maybe there's something wrong with this part of her personality? She admitted that she's never had a stable relationship, doesn't know what she's attracted to and says she gets tired of people easily. (A red flag maybe?) Thoughts?

It probably had a lot to do with you only providing her with some tired foreplay. If you weren't really feeling it while you two were hooking up, chances are she wasn't either.

She said that she doesn't know why but when we were on the bed about to have sex she didn't feel any sexual urges. She said it's weird and can't explain why but that's just how she felt. But she said that she wanted to go along with it because she felt as if she owed me for coming to see her and taking her out and protecting her that night.

Apparently she meant that she's not comfortable doing anything sexual/romantic with me at all.

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Perhaps, this is true and she just didn't find you sexually attractive enough to feel those urges. How much did you frame yourself as a sexual man on the date / over text?

If that's not the case then she could be reverse rationalizing why it stopped at foreplay and didn't proceed to sex. Which, in that case, does not frame you as a potential lover in her mind.


In either case, you'd probably just want to next her man.

Though you could ghost her for a long time then try to establish contact after 6-8 weeks of radio silence and let you frame reset though, if you really want to.

Or maybe there's something wrong with this part of her personality?

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There are some girls who because of their upbringing / expectations that were set growing up don't have a strong sense of their sexuality, but from what you said I don't think it's this. Could be, though.


Hue

Tshuai said:

So of course I cancelled the second date because I don't know how to interact with her now, nor do I want go out of way just to see a friend.

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I wouldn't have done that. Even if it doesn't work out, it's good for experience.

Hue said:

Perhaps, this is true and she just didn't find you sexually attractive enough to feel those urges. How much did you frame yourself as a sexual man on the date / over text?

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Over text it was pretty hard to maintain conversations with her as she was always busy with studies so instead of building rapport I only contacted her for small talk and setting up dates. On the date I did manage to frame myself sexually pretty well. If I acted like a nervous idiot I'd understand why but I wasn'; so her friendzoning me came as a surprise.There has to be something about taking care of a woman when she's shitfaced that results in her reframing you as a friend, maybe that's because it's something her friends would do for her?

Zanardi said:

I wouldn't have done that. Even if it doesn't work out, it's good for experience.

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Yeah, lesson already learnt but she has 0 value to me now. It's a bit of a hassle to see her, can get pricy and she's not the best at chatting.All that plus friendzone so she's of no value to my life.

There has to be something about taking care of a woman when she's shitfaced that results in her reframing you as a friend, maybe that's because it's something her friends would do for her?

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That's a fair point. It is a tough situation though if you're on a date. At the point she was shitfaced I'd have stopped seeing anything sexual that night as an option too.

What made you stick it out until the next morning rather than have her call a friend or call an uber?

Hue said:

What made you stick it out until the next morning rather than have her call a friend or call an uber?

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Three reasons: 1) I was hopeful that she'd sober up in the morning and we would have all day the following day to chill and shag but she had plans. 2) A sense of responsibility - as I said earlier vultures were trying to take advantage of her drunk state, she would have for sure got raped and young lady was raped and murdered a few weeks back late one night in an Uber here in China so it wasn't safe for her. 3)Her roommates we're asleep and the few friends she has weren't available. She told me this early on the date so I knew she didn't intend to go home but alcohol fucked it up. Actually, something similar happened to me a few years back in a club when I was trying to get a girl I met there home.Long story short she ended up biting my finger resulting in a sprain and threw up on me haha.

It's a good lesson to anyone reading this that you should monitor and control your date's alcohol intake, sometimes we forget that women usually have a lower alcohol tolerance. The line that separates the sweet spot that makes it a bit easier to get her home and her becoming a hot mess is very thin. Best to tread cautiously.