Making the right friends

Gardna

Rookie
Rookie
Joined
Jul 25, 2016
Messages
8
Hey guys, I had a few questions about friends and screening and finding the right one. I grew up as a typical nice guy and an introvert who would always have just one friend at a time and the friend would always be a manipulative guy and I would end up being his bitch. In grade school, I had this one friend who would tell me what to do and I would just do it. Then I switched schools for middle school and I had a different friend who would also tell me what to do threaten me. Lastly, in high school and college I have a mentor/friend who is once again just telling me what to do and I would go along with it. This friend would make me call him a king or messiah and other weird messed up stuff and all these guys had the interesting trait of being really nice and friendly at times and then overbearing friends who tell me what to do and when I try to get out of the relationship they are super friendly and nice and I fall back in the cycle and I waS and still am best friends with these people. Recently, I was pressured by the latest one to do something I regret and I'm not blaming him because it was my foolish decision and it's my responsibility but I want to try to change. I just want some clarity on why I attract these type of people in my life who act and claim to be mentors and what are healthy male friendships and how do I make them? Thank you
 

Raqimus

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jun 22, 2014
Messages
460
Not just depend on one person. You sound like me. I don't need many friends. I'm good with just one. But I respect myself and if that friend oversteps that boundary, which sounds like those people did. I don't need em.

If they apologize and come back sure, I'm cool with it but if they do it again. Just cut em. The people you described don't sound like friends to be honest. A friend would not do that. You may view them as a friend but they sure as hell don't view you as one. Check out this article https://www.girlschase.com/content/true- ... trong-ones
 

Parkour

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Sep 10, 2014
Messages
115
There is a lot on this site about investment and leading vs following that is about the role you can take in a relationship.
The people that you're becoming close to are taking the lead in your friendship. You aren't going to be able to just take it back. The precedent is set and it might be the only friendship dynamic that they are particularly interested in with you. I think you'll want to open up your circle to allow yourself to have friendships that you can lead, and lead well. You'll want to pull back on friendships where you're basically being dominated so that you can just try to bring them to parity. I don't recommend cutting them off entirely because you can actually observe and learn a lot from these situations by analyzing them. You'll learn how to deflect compliance and how to rebalance investment. But if you don't get out from under it every so often, you'll not get the opportunity to develop your own leading persona which you will need for both success with women and to guide your own life.
 

Richard

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Mar 1, 2013
Messages
1,821
Friendships are all about people who naturally mesh well with what you bring to the table.

For me, I'm a comedian and a supporter and that's what I bring to the table. When you're around me I will make you laugh, I will help you to ease up, and I will help you to unwind and let loose and just have fun. On top of that I'm also a friend who will tell you like it is, support you in your endeavors (even if that means kicking your ass when you do something stupid), and be there however I can without crossing my personal boundaries. In other words, I'm there to help but I'm absolutely no pushover.

After I learned to let loose myself and just be this without caring about what people think my true friends started to stick to me and the magnetism began.

So, I argue that there is no straightforward approach to making the "right friends;" I'd argue that friends find you when you allow yourself to be yourself. After that, you can get selective about who are your "right friends" and who aren't and that's currently what I'm doing in my social circle.

P.S. I started out just like you, introverted and subservient to other people because that was how I got people to stick around me. As you make more friends though, you'll quickly find out that your real friends will respect what it is you want for yourself and you won't have to be subservient to keep them around; they'll stick around regardless.

-Richard
 
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