For a number of years now, I've had a problem with the concept of women "testing" men. When I say "testing". I basically mean the idea that women will consciously or unconsciously poke at men's boundaries via challenging a man on his beliefs, actions, capabilities, or more commonly, by behaving in a way which is inappropriate- a more assertive, well grounded man will hold the line, a less confident guy will crumble and give in to the women's challenge, thus accepting her frame, behavior etc. because he can't tolerate the discomfort of standing up to her.
There has always been some truth to this in that women do like men who are assertive, know what they stand for, and can express strong boundaries when necessary. And, we do see behavior all the time which appear to be "tests". My issue was the idea that women will intentionally foster these situations. I take issue with this for two reasons:
1. It frames the interaction as a zero-sum game. If the man "passes" the test, he "wins" the verbal or social spar, thus causing the women to be more attractive to him. But it also assumes we've exposed the women for having done something really stupid or unacceptable, either subtly or very overtly, thus lowering her status and making her look like a fool. Conversely, if the man fails, the women "wins" and it brings to light the man's insecurity and uncertainty in his identity and his values, thus making him look weak or otherwise immasculated. I don't believe social interactions are like this on a global level. There are of course, a minority of individuals and communities who view them in such terms due to personal life backgrounds and experiences, but it is by no means global. Neither to men nor women. We are social animals who by default, are cooperative and want to have friends, lovers, and allies. If one of us always has to look foolish or weak for mating to occur and for relationships to be sustained, this will make said relationships very unstable, which is not evolutionarily adaptive. Thus, I don't think it makes sense that we would "test" one another in the form of verbal or social sparring.
2. It's not a very good strategy for women. Because even if the man passes the test, and she finds out he has good boundaries, this makes her look unnattractive!! To illustrate this, I'll give you guys an from my life example:
A few weeks ago, I met this girl from a dating app at a bar. Long story short, she insisted that I pay for her drinks. When I asked her to pay for her this one since I got the last round, she rolled her eyes, looked at the bartender like I just killed her cat, tried to frame it as "offensive" that I won't pay for all her drinks (even though she ordered three of them within the course of 15 minutes), yelled at me etc. By the end of it, she said "I think this date is over". So I said...okay, that's fine. Good to meet you. I picked up my jacket and walked back to my car. Thirty seconds later, she texts me "come back". She apologizes for her behavior, kisses my hand, and I take her home shortly after. Because of the way she behaved, I deemed her unattractive for anything other than a hookup, so I didn't see her again. If she had behaved like a normal human being, I may have given her a second chance and perhaps been open to dating her and getting to know her further.
Almost all "tests" make the women look like a lower quality mate to the male. Even the more subtle ones. Thus, intentionally fostering situations like the above would not be adaptive for women because they would miss out on relationships with the very men they're trying to screen for with their "tests", just like the girl in my example did. So it's more likely that when women "test" men, they're actually somehow being genuine.
Okay then you might ask- why did my date do all that and why do women appear to "test" men in general? Well it's simple. Because from one place or another, they learned to deal with men or maybe even people in general by behaving this way. By poking and prodding at boundaries. The fact of the matter is, it can work. Most people are not very good at saying no. They probably usually get away with it, and get what they want. Or, as is case most of the time, especially when the "test" is more subtle, it's simply a mismatch in values or belief systems, and she is just standing up for what she wants and believes in. She's not using it as a direct test. She's just being herself!
In the case of the girl from my example, I'm almost 100% sure that she was just trying to get free drinks from me and wasn't at all attracted to me to begin with. It was only after what appeared to be a "test' (but is actually just her normal way of interacting with men) that she became very attracted to me because her normal behavior coincidentally gave me an opportunity to reveal that I won't put up with nonsense and I will stand up for myself, which is attractive. Alternatively, maybe she was legit raised in a family where the man is expected to foot the bill, and it is considered "offensive" if they don't. Either way, it was not an intentional challenge nor is it abnormal behavior to her. It's who she is.
So to conclude, perhaps a better way to frame women's tests is as such:
Women will sometimes behave in ways such that they test your boundaries because sometimes, their belief systems or established patterns of interacting with men do not jive with yours. If you're able to assert clear boundaries and stand by what you say you believe in, this will demonstrate assertiveness, self-confidence, and good boundaries which will in turn cause her to be attracted to you
Behaviorally, this doesn't change what you do. But Philosophically, it helps because it frames the interaction as mutually beneficial, as opposed to a verbal spar. And, it frames women as more sincere and honest, as opposed to inherently manipulative and ingenuine like the old school definition does.
On final caveat: I do believe that some women legit test men as per the traditional conceptualization at least some of the time. But this is not by any means a universal behavior. This is limited to a certain type of women with a certain type of view about men and relationships- usually very cynical. Depending on who you are and who you hang out with, you might run into this type of women a lot. Especially if you are young and in college, live in low socio-economic communities which experience lots of trauma and mental illness in general, and/or meet women at bars and clubs. But even in those settings, there are plenty of women who don't behave this way. I would recommend finding new social groups if this type of behavior is super common to you.
Also, if all of this is new information and it has been covered in recent articles, I apologize for rehashing it. I haven't had time to catch up on some of the latest material, therefore I may have missed it. Credit for all this goes to whoever wrote the article
Let me know what you think! I will try my best to reply, but I don't get back to you soon, know that I did read your comment. And I will eventually get to it.
There has always been some truth to this in that women do like men who are assertive, know what they stand for, and can express strong boundaries when necessary. And, we do see behavior all the time which appear to be "tests". My issue was the idea that women will intentionally foster these situations. I take issue with this for two reasons:
1. It frames the interaction as a zero-sum game. If the man "passes" the test, he "wins" the verbal or social spar, thus causing the women to be more attractive to him. But it also assumes we've exposed the women for having done something really stupid or unacceptable, either subtly or very overtly, thus lowering her status and making her look like a fool. Conversely, if the man fails, the women "wins" and it brings to light the man's insecurity and uncertainty in his identity and his values, thus making him look weak or otherwise immasculated. I don't believe social interactions are like this on a global level. There are of course, a minority of individuals and communities who view them in such terms due to personal life backgrounds and experiences, but it is by no means global. Neither to men nor women. We are social animals who by default, are cooperative and want to have friends, lovers, and allies. If one of us always has to look foolish or weak for mating to occur and for relationships to be sustained, this will make said relationships very unstable, which is not evolutionarily adaptive. Thus, I don't think it makes sense that we would "test" one another in the form of verbal or social sparring.
2. It's not a very good strategy for women. Because even if the man passes the test, and she finds out he has good boundaries, this makes her look unnattractive!! To illustrate this, I'll give you guys an from my life example:
A few weeks ago, I met this girl from a dating app at a bar. Long story short, she insisted that I pay for her drinks. When I asked her to pay for her this one since I got the last round, she rolled her eyes, looked at the bartender like I just killed her cat, tried to frame it as "offensive" that I won't pay for all her drinks (even though she ordered three of them within the course of 15 minutes), yelled at me etc. By the end of it, she said "I think this date is over". So I said...okay, that's fine. Good to meet you. I picked up my jacket and walked back to my car. Thirty seconds later, she texts me "come back". She apologizes for her behavior, kisses my hand, and I take her home shortly after. Because of the way she behaved, I deemed her unattractive for anything other than a hookup, so I didn't see her again. If she had behaved like a normal human being, I may have given her a second chance and perhaps been open to dating her and getting to know her further.
Almost all "tests" make the women look like a lower quality mate to the male. Even the more subtle ones. Thus, intentionally fostering situations like the above would not be adaptive for women because they would miss out on relationships with the very men they're trying to screen for with their "tests", just like the girl in my example did. So it's more likely that when women "test" men, they're actually somehow being genuine.
Okay then you might ask- why did my date do all that and why do women appear to "test" men in general? Well it's simple. Because from one place or another, they learned to deal with men or maybe even people in general by behaving this way. By poking and prodding at boundaries. The fact of the matter is, it can work. Most people are not very good at saying no. They probably usually get away with it, and get what they want. Or, as is case most of the time, especially when the "test" is more subtle, it's simply a mismatch in values or belief systems, and she is just standing up for what she wants and believes in. She's not using it as a direct test. She's just being herself!
In the case of the girl from my example, I'm almost 100% sure that she was just trying to get free drinks from me and wasn't at all attracted to me to begin with. It was only after what appeared to be a "test' (but is actually just her normal way of interacting with men) that she became very attracted to me because her normal behavior coincidentally gave me an opportunity to reveal that I won't put up with nonsense and I will stand up for myself, which is attractive. Alternatively, maybe she was legit raised in a family where the man is expected to foot the bill, and it is considered "offensive" if they don't. Either way, it was not an intentional challenge nor is it abnormal behavior to her. It's who she is.
So to conclude, perhaps a better way to frame women's tests is as such:
Women will sometimes behave in ways such that they test your boundaries because sometimes, their belief systems or established patterns of interacting with men do not jive with yours. If you're able to assert clear boundaries and stand by what you say you believe in, this will demonstrate assertiveness, self-confidence, and good boundaries which will in turn cause her to be attracted to you
Behaviorally, this doesn't change what you do. But Philosophically, it helps because it frames the interaction as mutually beneficial, as opposed to a verbal spar. And, it frames women as more sincere and honest, as opposed to inherently manipulative and ingenuine like the old school definition does.
On final caveat: I do believe that some women legit test men as per the traditional conceptualization at least some of the time. But this is not by any means a universal behavior. This is limited to a certain type of women with a certain type of view about men and relationships- usually very cynical. Depending on who you are and who you hang out with, you might run into this type of women a lot. Especially if you are young and in college, live in low socio-economic communities which experience lots of trauma and mental illness in general, and/or meet women at bars and clubs. But even in those settings, there are plenty of women who don't behave this way. I would recommend finding new social groups if this type of behavior is super common to you.
Also, if all of this is new information and it has been covered in recent articles, I apologize for rehashing it. I haven't had time to catch up on some of the latest material, therefore I may have missed it. Credit for all this goes to whoever wrote the article
Let me know what you think! I will try my best to reply, but I don't get back to you soon, know that I did read your comment. And I will eventually get to it.