Date 12 and no sex... time for an ultimatum?

Hey guys need some advice,

I’m seeing this chick who I talked about in an earlier post below “Am I the early boyfriend or just conservative girl.”

Essentially she’s a very attractive 26 yo Indian girl I met online. She’s quite inexperienced and lost her virginity last year to her then 34yo boyfriend. So far we’ve been on twelve dates. Some of these have been the whole day.

For the last 3 weeks we’ve been having a date on the weekend (whole day) and a mid week date. Nothing much happens on the midweek date coz she lives far away and essentially has to catch a 1.5hr train home. For the last 3 weekend dates however she comes over and we’ve gone as far as fingering but there is always resistance to sex (takes of everything but her underwear).

The second time she was over and I tried to take off her underwear she said I hadn’t committed to the relationship so no (I won’t go into it but she had almost gone into autorejection on our earlier midweek date but her friends talked her out of it). I reassured her later that day that I spent so much time with her and she shouldn’t be worried about this just being a fling.

We had our mid week date this week which was chill and our weekend date two days ago. For the latter we did a cooking date. She came over, we cooked, then went to the bedroom. She said she was on her period). I jokingly probe her a little bit about her period to see if she’s trying to get out of having sex. I’m not too fussed. We can fuck next time.

Later that day however I make a joke about her having her period every week. She then says she feels physically ready to have sex (horny etc) but she’s not emotionally ready. She mentions some friends of hers didn’t have sex until marriage. I don’t respond to any of this. Then she asks if I’d be jealous if she was seeing other people and I say she can do what she wants, I can’t contol her but I’d be surprised if she was. I ask her the same questions and she copies my answer and says she would be disappointed (I’m not currently seeing anyone else either).

Her comment about not being emotionally ready for sex made me feel like now I don’t know when it’s going to happen. I don’t want to be a little bitch about it but 12 dates is a long time and we’re hanging out otherwise as if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I haven’t shown her any emotion in regards to this issue because I feel like if you get mad about it then you’re even less likely to fuck.

My plan from now is to reintroduce the basic principles of game which I let slip as I tried to transition to a relationship - eg texting less, once weekly dates, displaying higher value/building comfort. I am also going to start seeing other girls and have set up a date for today with someone else.

I talked about this with my mate and he recommends giving her an ultimatum which makes sense to me to. Essentially telling her that I like spending time with her and can see this going somewhere however feel that if she’s not emotionally ready to sleep with me then maybe there’s something missing in our relationship and we should consider seeing other people. I plan to give her one more chance in the bedroom. If she declines sex again then I am going to tell her the above.

Thoughts on how to deal with this situation? Advice much appreciated as always

Silent9

Go on twelve first dates with 12 other girls then ask yourself if it is worth it.

I understand your culture is different. In the US, you should be able to get a match to lead to sex online within 2 or 3 dates max.

The experience of 12 different girls reactions to you will be a learning experience for you.

An ultimatum will not work. "Soft next" and find other prospects.

I think the takeaway here is to avoid getting into this situation to start with. 12 dates is wayyyy too long. I generally have a 3 date rule and aim to close on the 1st or 2nd. Anything longer then that and you're chasing from a position of weakness

That being said, I would definitely start seeing other women at this point, and there is no reason not to draw a line. At some point you need to make it clear what your needs are in order for the relationship to continue, and you probably should have done that 9 dates ago. It might be too late now but there is no reason not to give it a shot after you've invested this much time, as long as you are willing to cut ties if/when she declines.

Thanks for the feedback guys. I know I fucked things up by not moving fast enough. I did invite her back to mine on date 4 but she declined. I get moving fast is important but I feel like if your game is not good enough to get it done then it can really backfire and make you look pushy and needy. I guess it comes down to knowing where you are in an interaction because I feel like I’ve lost girls trying to close on date 1 when they may have been more down on a later date.

I’ve been thinking a bit on how to deal with the current situation and feel like I have to go back to the foundations of game. My assessment of where I am right now in the interaction is that this girl needs more comfort. I haven’t really deep dived heavily because I was initially setting fun and playerish frames. That backfired when she almost autorejected thinking I was just in this for a fling.

I see the current situation as LMR over a period of time. The ultimatum may work if this was an issue of differing relationship expectations and not an issue with my game. I feel however it is the latter and I haven’t built enough comfort.

Going with the ultimatum would make it look like I just wanted to fuck her all along which is what she’s afraid of. I read Hectors article on LMR and he discusses using passion and compassion to breakthrough LMR. I’m going to try this. Next date I’m going to pull back on the fun and making out and focus on deep diving and ramping up the comfort. Date after I’m going to try pull but focusing on not pressuring her, being understanding, passionate etc.

I would honestly date this chick seriously but can’t deal with the opportunity cost if we don’t sleep together soon. I’m still going to see other girls until it happens. Will let you guys know how it goes.

Thanks again

Silent9

You are already over invested for whatever return you think you are going to get.

The Sunk Cost Fallacy
The Misconception: You make rational decisions based on the future value of objects, investments and experiences.

The Truth: Your decisions are tainted by the emotional investments you accumulate, and the more you invest in something the harder it becomes to abandon it.

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