Should it matter? A friend asks about an ex

Deluxe17

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This is a question for the boards less about picking up a girl but handling/managing face in your social circle. Recently parted ways with a former girlfriend in a rather sour breakup (10 months together). It was a major eye opener to me as looking back the reason was undoubtedly my own neediness. The issue that I am dealing with/trying to deal with now is not my ex herself but the fallout from a social circle standpoint. I had several friends of mine who were single (and some that were not) that outright told me they thought my ex was hot and I was an idiot for not locking her down yet.

I've now had one person hint to me that they would like to try to take a shot at a relationship or hookup with her. This person is not a particularly close friend of my own but is close with a number of friends of mine who I would consider myself closer to. In one thought I believe this shouldn't bother me - the relationship is over and there should be no mind over it. On the other hand I do feel if I am asked outright or bothered about it again, how I handle the situation, particularly in front of the girls that are apart of the social circle I'm in, could have an impact on the view of: "Is he an insecure, bitter man or is he secure and moving forward with his life?"

My initial reaction is to keep my response as unemotional as possible - saying "Do what you will" but I'd love to have some perspective on this. This girl came in to my life I believe in large part to the changes I made in my life due to my time on girls chase but it's clear I still have a lot to learn.
 

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
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You should reply "I would love nothing better than to call you my "Eskimo Brother"!
1) it establishes that you got there first. He gets your leftovers.
2) your good nature about it shows you are alright with where you are now.
3) being needy and possessive now won't get you anything. At least this way you are on good terms with a guy.
4) you reinforce to yourself you are moving onwards and upwards. You have access to better women who treat you better.
5) you are only as good as the pussy you can decline. You are declining that pussy.
 

Deluxe17

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Fuck This said:
You should reply "I would love nothing better than to call you my "Eskimo Brother"!
1) it establishes that you got there first. He gets your leftovers.
2) your good nature about it shows you are alright with where you are now.
3) being needy and possessive now won't get you anything. At least this way you are on good terms with a guy.
4) you reinforce to yourself you are moving onwards and upwards. You have access to better women who treat you better.
5) you are only as good as the pussy you can decline. You are declining that pussy.

That reply is a thing of beauty. Thank you brother.
 

Bboy100

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It sounds like you have an understanding that you no longer have any claim over her fidelity to you. But it's also important to acknowledge that you would feel jealous if someone else hooked up with her. That's just where you're at right now. Whether you "should" or "shouldn't" feel that way is irrelevant because you just do. How you feel is not a choice you make. You can play it off like you're "nonemotional" and don't care...but that's inauthentic and fake. And it's painful and incongruent to your own needs and desires. This in of itself is very unhealthy. Best case scenario, you're going to suffer in silence A LOT. And your self-esteem will fall because you're not speaking your truth. Worst case, the truth will come out in a very ugly and undesirable way. So when someone asks you, be honest. Tell them something along these lines:

"It would bother me if you hooked up with my ex-girlfriend. I would very much appreciate it if you didn't. Having said that, I also understand that she's a free agent now, so I would be overstepping my boundaries by asking you not to. So ultimately, it's up to you. If you feel like you really want to pursue her, I'm not going to stop you or hold it against you. But since you asked, I'm letting you know that I would honestly feel better if you didn't for now. I do want to move on, but it will take me more time". <--You have to mean this though! If you get butthurt or mad at them after the fact, and lash out at them in some way, it will look super weak.

This is good because you're voicing your concerns- you're being authentic and your letting your needs be known. At the same time, your demonstrating enough social aptitude to understand and acknowledge that you would be overstepping a boundary by asking other people not to hook up with her, and the last tidbit at the end about wanting to move on also shows that you're taking responsibility for the way you feel about her and any discomfort it's causing you. You're just struggling. People will respect this. Depending on the person and their relationship with you, they may choose to back down, they may not. You have to be prepared to go with whatever decision they make, because realistically, you have no control over this.

As a side note, I would figure out a way to remove myself from situations which involve my ex or people associated with her. Being around her will make it exponentially more difficult if not impossible for you to move on, it will take MUCH longer, and it will add to your mental anguish.
 
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