Oneitis - my story and reports from interactions.

I've decided to make a topic in which I'll post updates on my interaction with a girl that I'm extremely attracted to. I've posted a few questions in different boards, but I think that the whole story in one topic would be better and less spammy. I will treat it as an "open journal" for me and you guys to analyse.

I would love to hear your opinions and get some advices on what I should have done better or if I even did something good. Maybe someone is in similar situation and find this reports helpful.

About a girl:
26yo. She has an abusive boyfriend and a small kid with him. She constantly says to everyone that she wants to dump him and she's extremely unhappy in this relationship. She's with him only because of the kid. She still f*cks him though, because he's a provider.

The beginning of our interaction:
We've met at work. I treated her simply as a co-worker. It was her who initiated contact apart from work. After our shifts (we work 2 times a week together) she gives me a lift home. In return I've decided to be her trainer at the gym for free. After gym we were going to my place for a coffee and breakfast. She started to talk jokingly about sexual things. I honestly didn't care about doing anything with her, but I enjoyed joking and spending time with her. After about a month - her boyfriend and her child went on holiday. She invited me to her place and she initiated physical contact and kissing. We've slept together a few times after that (her idea and initiation). On the last day of her bf holiday she told me that she can't do this any more. I said that's OK and I understand (I was upset but I didn't show it), but we shouldn't meet anywhere else other than at work.

My fuckups beginning:
I became infatuated with her. I didn't stick to my statement and invited her for breakfast 2 weeks after. When I didn't get what I expected I became frustrated and this time I actually showed it to her. I've became a dick to her at work and ignored her, even though she wanted to meet me, when her bf went away for a few days again. I wanted her to pursue me harder - because of my lack of knowledge and false beliefs that when you're a dick to girls - they''ll throw themselves at you. (MORON)

The beginning of my change:
I found Coach Corey Wayne on youtube. I started reading his book and watching his videos. My oneitis went on holiday for a month, so it was a good time for me to change myself. I began following the famous no-contact rule. When she came back I was quite well prepared. I worked on myself, graduated a few courses and became content with my life even without her. When we were meeting at work, I didn't mention anything about us getting together until she asked for it. She wanted to continue our morning meetings. Following Corey's rules - I told her that I can only invite her for a dinner. She asked "how would it be like?" I told her "fun" and if she wants to do that - to let me know. 2 times when we were working together she has 'put herself into my orbit' as Corey Wayne says, so I asked her about her evenings schedule. She didn't agree (some sort of not yet) - so I didn't ask any more and backed away completely. I wasn't a dick to her this time, I treated her politely and just went about my business. She found out that I'm meeting other attractive woman (she saw a few of them calling me constantly on WhatsApp during our shift). I told her that most of them are my customer - I'm doing massages - and one of them was my short term playgirl, that I'm not meeting any more.

Her starting slightly chasing me again:
For a couple of weeks she started touching, complementing, flirting with me and constantly looking at me. I reciprocated slightly (least effort) but still didn't ask her to meet me. She also told me:

it's not that I'm in love with you, but I almost said your name while having sex with my bf.

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Then she wanted to come to my place for me to make her a massage. She said that she doesn't care about the massage itself, but she's curious why I have so many attractive customers. I told her that I need check my schedule. After a week I invited her to do it (I agreed for the morning next week, because that's her only available time when her child is in nursery and bf is working, besides a massage involves physical contact).

The day of the meeting - bitter-sweet feelings:
She called 30 Min before scheduled time that she's coming and asked if I still remember about it. I said that when I make an appointment - I keep it.
I told her that she can leave her bra on and I'll unhook it while she's on a bed. And that's what happened. I've made her a massage while building sexual tension (sexual talk, intimate touching etc.) but no sex happened. After a massage she wanted to talk for a while while drinking a coffee. She was asking me a lot about other girls (she wanted to know details about sex with them), made some complements towards me and told me that I'm a great guy. Then she asked if I'm a relationship type of guy, and I said - I don't think so. (I think it was a test to see if I will be trying to force a relationship with her).
Now to the bittersweet part of interactions - she mentioned her boyfriend a few times, and it wasn't negative - rather neutral type of informative comments. I'm not sure if it was some sort of test to see how I'd react or the actual red flag - that she want's me only as a friend. She also mentioned her female cousin that I might be interested in (another test?)

She also mentioned that next time I'll make her a massage (she mentioned next meeting - good sign?) - she will pay for it.

When she was leaving she gave me her lips to kiss. I kissed her. After that she kissed me two more times - each time longer. It seemed like she didn't want to leave after that she was leaving and coming back constantly - she said "tell me another story", "what is the name of the girl that you had a STR with" and general short small talk. I told her that I don't kiss and tell and kept sort of mysterious answers. She was also constantly looking at me with those "milky eyes". I kept smirking and looking her deeply in the eyes. I would made a more aggressive move - but she really had to leave soon, so sex couldn't happen anyway - she had to pick up her kid from nursery. That's why I'd rather meet her when she had more time.

After a few minutes she called that she's feeling bad that I did something for her with nothing in return. I told her "oh stop it, it wasn't that bad" She said "thank you, take care sweetheart" I replied "bye honey".

Questions after this day:
1. Friendzoned to the max? - Am I being friendzoned to the point that kiss in the lips doesn't mean anything?
2. Should I agree to the morning massage next time or just say that I'll only meet her when she has free evening for a dinner? Last time we slept together her boyfriend wasn't in town, so she was more comfortable obviously. It's unlikely that sex could happen in the morning when her time is limited.
3. Should I "waste my time" on non-sex meetings (but still some sexual escalation) while waiting for an opportunity for sex to happen? Sort of keeping her in "possibly friends with benefits" zone?

I am meeting different women, but this one is the best I've ever met and I actually enjoy spending time with her. I'm focused on leading to sex with her (I'm not pushing though) because that would be the best evidence that she actually is interested romantically and the friends with benefits relationship is possible. Simply being friends won't work for me (even though she is a great person to spend time with) because she's to hot and I wont her too much. Platonic relationship would be a lie to myself and to her.

Hi M , I feel you are not reading the signs she is giving you about wanting to get laid.

Questions after this day:

1. Friendzoned to the max? - Am I being friendzoned to the point that kiss in the lips doesn't mean anything?

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A taken woman with a kid does not get many opportunities. She was giving all the signs she wanted to have sex. you should have skipped the massage part and gone just for sex . I do not know why you did not escalate from the time you had her on bed as from what you wrote you already had sex with her ?

2. Should I agree to the morning massage next time or just say that I'll only meet her when she has free evening for a dinner? Last time we slept together her boyfriend wasn't in town, so she was more comfortable obviously. It's unlikely that sex could happen in the morning when her time is limited.

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A taken woman with a kid has limited opportunities to be on her own. you need to just take them . I do not know the circumstances that the Corey Wayne would have been talking but the rules for taken woman are different from the ones that are single.

3. Should I "waste my time" on non-sex meetings (but still some sexual escalation) while waiting for an opportunity for sex to happen? Sort of keeping her in "possibly friends with benefits" zone?
I am unclear as you re already had sex with her I thought. From what you described if you have read the signs correctly she wanted to have sex. To me the pitfalls of this relationship are
1) You work together and from what you described about her and the boy friend etc it most likely is going to end bad. You need to be prepared for the fall out.
2) why spend so much time over a taken woman with a kid ? From what you are saying there are quality woman you can meet without needing this drama that this girl will sooner or later be bringing to you. I have made this mistake before of not screening woman properly and have suffered from it. Thought I will share this as well so based on the pitfalls you can decide .

Thanks for the reply.

A taken woman with a kid does not get many opportunities. She was giving all the signs she wanted to have sex. you should have skipped the massage part and gone just for sex. I do not know why you did not escalate from the time you had her on bed as from what you wrote you already had sex with her ?

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"

She told me after that that she just can't do it anymore. It was a couple months ago and her boyfriend with kid was out of town - we've been meeting in the evenings and I stayed at her place for the whole nights. Last time it was her who actually initiated it and she was very obvious about that. I just don't want to create unnecessary drama by forcing her to have sex without me being absolutely certain that she wants it - like I was last time. I might have pussied out from what you're saying.

A taken woman with a kid has limited opportunities to be on her own. you need to just take them . I do not know the circumstances that the Corey Wayne would have been talking but the rules for taken woman are different from the ones that are single.

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Thanks for your point of view. You're probably right about it, however, it's hard to initiate sex with her having limited time in the morning, besides she's coming back from my place when her bf is at home. She told me that she would feel very uncomfortable with that.

I am unclear as you re already had sex with her I thought. From what you described if you have read the signs correctly she wanted to have sex. To me the pitfalls of this relationship are
1) You work together and from what you described about her and the boy friend etc it most likely is going to end bad. You need to be prepared for the fall out.
2) why spend so much time over a taken woman with a kid ? From what you are saying there are quality woman you can meet without needing this drama that this girl will sooner or later be bringing to you. I have made this mistake before of not screening woman properly and have suffered from it. Thought I will share this as well so based on the pitfalls you can decide .

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I'm absolutely obsessed over her. She's the kind of girl like I've never met before. I'm meeting another woman, but with none of them, I have such a connection and a great time. All of them fell boring and plain compared to her.

Tonight's interaction: She visited the restaurant we work in with her female cousin. Her "hi" was quick and very casual. I might be overthinking this, but either she wanted some sort of acceptance from her cousin about me or she tried to hook me up with her (she always was saying that she would never come to eat at this place in her free time). She introduced me to her and asked me what do I think about her - is she pretty and things like that. I acted quite cold (without being too much of a jerk) because I was busy doing my job at the bar. She asked me what happened that I'm so angry. I replied, "don't be silly, I'm as happy as ever" even though I was pretty curious what her actions after our last meeting will be and quite nervous because of that (like a teenager...) but I tried not to show it in any way. That's what happens when you care too much and want to have a perfect approach to every interaction with the one girk you're focused on. When they were leaving, her cousin gave me a cheek kiss (which I totally didn't expect after exchanging literally a few words with her while serving drinks to their table). I told them to have fun (they were going to see some show in theatre). My oneitis quickly said "bye", by patting me on the back.

My plan for next meeting: if she brings it up tomorrow (we will be working together)- I'll invite her for either this Thursday evening (let's see what she'll say) or in the morning next Tuesday (I could make some time this Tuesday by rescheduling my customer, but I don't want her to think that I''m putting her on a pedestal). If we meet I'll make more definite move towards sex or at least heavy petting.

Saturday meeting at work:
Lots of playful banter and flirting. She mentioned the dinner saying: "how about the dinner?" following by "I'm just kidding - I wouldn't take any more favors from you" I said "maybe this time you'll give something back" - jokingly with a smile. She asked, "What - like my ass?" I said, "well, whatever floats your boat" - something in this manner. And I told her to let me know when she wants to meet (I probably should have asked for a definite time). After this, we continued the sexual jokes and flirt.

On Friday she went to see "dream boys show" - basically a striptease show (with her female cousin, as I mentioned in the previous post). She was asking about my kissing her cousin (cheek kiss) and if I enjoyed it. I said playfully "well, it happens". She also told me "I'd rather see you undressed" and started to lift my shirt - I replied jokingly - "prepare 20$ and I'll do it". She was touching my body a lot that night (I am quite well built). I did some push - pull techniques, like "hey, keep your hands to yourself, I'm not that easy" but most of the time I allowed her to do it.

Lots of female (good looking) customers were calling me that night - she asked: "what is it about all the girls calling you? Show me some messages with them" (she doesn't believe they're just my customers). I said with a smirk that it's not her business. She was constantly asking about them.

She kept saying that she's very horny (she's very direct) - I said: "stop talking and just do something about it". She mentioned that she can't have sex with her bf right now, because her family is visiting her and she's sleeping on a couch. I told her "I have a cozy double bed". She looked away, smiled slightly and said nothing.

When she was driving me home I told her to call me (inviting her to chase me). She puckered her lips and waited for the kiss. I went for the lips and kissed her goodbye. She asked, "you aim for the lips now, huh?" I said, "of course, I have a good aim, see you later".

My plan: Waiting for her to call me (I know she is able to do it because she did it before. That's why I won't call her). If she won't - we'll still meet at work. I intend to show indifference to her not calling me and act like nothing happened. We'll see how it goes further.

My assumptions: Either she treats me as her "male girlfriend" (she's OVERLY comfortable with me) or just stringing me along for attention and validation (which I give her just in moderation). She may also just testing me if I'll get butthurt if she doesn't call me (as I acted needy and like an asshole after our first "affair" episode, I think she's testing me a lot lately)

She told me after that that she just can't do it anymore.

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Hi M , she did not want to feel like a slut or guilt. She wanted you to take the initiative for her to feel better.

She told me that she would feel very uncomfortable with that.

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Learn to read her actions and not what she says. If she was sure on this she would never put herself in a place where she could have been having sex with you.

My assumptions: Either she treats me as her "male girlfriend" (she's OVERLY comfortable with me) or just stringing me along for attention and validation (which I give her just in moderation). She may also just testing me if I'll get butthurt if she doesn't call me (as I acted needy and like an asshole after our first "affair" episode, I think she's testing me a lot lately)

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Next time just tell her to come over to your place whether it is day or whatever time. If she comes over just escalate. based on what you have written she wants you to take the initiative . Her options seem limited . That should answer this question. But as I mentioned earlier just watch out for the pitfalls of investing too much with her when you could be with other girls that are not taken.

Thanks for your input and advice. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

UPDATE - Friday at work
Nice flirting, bantering and touching. She asked me "when are you inviting me to dinner?" I replied, "when are you free?" and she said "never" - while laughing. I smiled and said that's ok. It didn't bother me that much because my mindset is - eventually, she will come to me.
I didn't invite her for the morning date, because I try to be congruent with my statement that I've made before - "Next time, I can invite you to dinner". If I bent to her will, like I did a few months back, I would come off as too needy, specifically because she knows that I would have to reschedule my customers' appointments to meet with her.
Flirting and touching continued throughout the whole evening. No kiss for goodbye this time though.

SATURDAY - at work
Extremely busy night, so there wasn't a lot of interactions between us, however, in every occasion, it was flirty and playful.
After work, she told me that she has decided to leave her boyfriend. She started to collect money for the start of her life without him. She's preparing to graduate from a school and find a new job. She also told me that she's not sure how long will it take, but she's committed.
Also, she showed a sign of jealousy - a mutual friend of ours has asked me for a massage (quite attractive, young women) - and I told her that she's scheduled for an evening during the week. She was asking a lot about her, specifically - what would I do if she (our friend) started to initiate sex with me. I told her that she's not my type and I wouldn't do it.

My thoughts - according to the articles on GirlChase - I'm in the Possible Future Boyfriend zone. That's probably the reason she won't sleep with me again now. A few things that she said or asked me during the last month would be indicators of that:
"You're a great guy - but do you see yourself in a long-term relationship?" I said - I don't think so.
"Would you like to have a child? Do you think that you're ready for it?" - she has a small kid.
"What are your plans for the future? How is your business going?"
And lots of personal questions about my relations with my family.
Also, the situation with her cousin (described in previous posts) could actually be some sort of a test and looking for validation of me from a member of her family.

My Plan: When she asks me about the dinner next time (it happened twice already - without actually setting a date) I'll tell her that it becomes boring to constantly inviting her without results. I will state clearly to her that she should only mention it when she's actually free and stop stringing me along, as I'm starting to feel it's a waste of time and effort.

UPDATE

Long story short after a long time of no posting.

I backed away completely for 4 weeks (I got some time off from job to focus on opening my new business).

SATURDAY - 20.10 - at work
After I came back she was all over me again - touching, flirting, complementing and complaining about me not calling her. She told me that she wanted to call me but her phone broke and she doesn't have my number now, which she asked me for eagerly. She was basically begging me to give her some time. But I was genuinely busy.

Next Tuesday she called me to let me know that she will be in the cinema with her girlfriend and she'll give me a lift home after my shift. I thought to myself - she's starting chasing.

FRIDAY 26.10 - at work
Same as previous Saturday. I didn't ask her out because previously (before me backing away completely) she declined twice. So she asked me to make a breakfast together at my place in a few weeks time. I told her that the only day I'm sure I'll be available is Tuesday 6.11. She told me that she'll let me know. I told her OK, just be quick because otherwise, I'll make other plans. After work, she pursed her lips for a goodbye kiss.

SATURDAY 27.10 - at work - Same behaviour. She tested me by asking if I'm meeting someone. I told her that yes - from time to time. She acted upset for a while, but I didn't explain myself. She started to be more affectionate after that. She agreed to Tuesday meeting. Kiss again.

Last FRIDAY - at work
She told me that she won't make it on Tuesday (without any explanation or apology) and we should do it some other time. I said OK if only I'll have time. I acted like it didn't affect me at all. Flirting continued. She asked me about the girls I'm meeting. I didn't give her an answer saying that's not her business - in a non-rude manner. She told me "if we're about to be together one day she needs to know" I was stunned and didn't say nothing - I think it's a clear sign that she's just stringing me along and when she sees that I'm backing away - she gives me scraps to keep me interested. We both acted as usual. No goodbye kiss this time, however.

SATURDAY - at work - same flirting and touching. Lots of her saying that she's horny (she does that all the time). She saw a message on my phone from a girl that I'm meeting on Monday (today) - clearly indicating sex (oneitis ditched me so I had time for her) and other 2 messages from girls asking me out (nothing spectacular when it comes to those girls, but it helps me to keep my mind occupied). She acted like it doesn't bother her at all but she constantly was asking about them and mentioning them in our talk and to other coworkers (without clear signs of jealousy, on the contrary - she seemed to not really care).
She told me that she should have taken me when she had a chance. I didn't say anything. After 2 minutes she asked me if I want to make a date with her (she used the word "date"). I told her that she had her chance. She asked again - I told her "OK, fine - when are you free?" She said - tonight. All of this was a complete bullshit - she just wanted me to ask her out and reject me. I laughed. Later she asked me what am I doing on Sunday and Monday - (she was working, so I knew she wasn't available) - I told her "I'm busy".
I was pretty pissed off about the fact that she started to string me along again and that affected my energy levels. I was in a not-so-great mood for an entire rest of the evening - to the point that she called me boring and if I want to have fun with the girls I'm meeting I need to cheer up. I told her "maybe you're boring and that's why I'm not laughing" and "there are other ways of entertainment" - she laughed. No goodbye kiss again.

So I want to move on but with leaving the doors open, just in case.

How should I act when she'll ask me out, with a definite day this time (I won't ask it myself and she'll 99% do it) should I even agree (I'm not losing anything - I'm at home on Tuesday mornings anyway) or just tell her that she was disrespectful and I want to spend time with girls, that are actually interested in spending time with me and respect me, and decline the offer?

Mind the fact that she mentioned rescheduling after she told me that she won't make it on Tuesday. She has a busy period in her life atm (she's studying a lot and applying to college - she's really determined) - but a really interested person would make the time to meet still, right?

Friday and Saturday - 9th and 10th of November
Everything was good - we acted playful and fun. She wanted to meet on Tuesday in 2 weeks time.

Last Friday

An epitome of "playful (by her definition)" disrespect. She "demanded" me to make her a cake for breakfast (for the scheduled meeting), and was taking me for granted in general.
She turned me off completely by making fun of me in front of other workers and trying to make me do her work for her. I obviously said no, laughed and shrugged it off, but deep down she totally pissed me off. If she would have done that just in front of me - I would probably just reply with some playful counter and considered it a test or just spicing things up, but this time it was a pure disrespect.

On Saturday she has shown some minor signs of disrespect. I completely backed away - I replied shortly to her questions and didn't reciprocate to her flirting. I basically didn't want to talk to her anymore, but I wasn't mean to her. When she asked me what's bothering me I told her the truth - in a calm way - without anger (I was rather disappointed) in my voice - "You are bothering me."

I told her that her actions are completely disrespectful and I won't put up with that anymore and that she completely turned me off. I said I'm fed up with it. She asked, "with me?" - with a smile. I just confirmed by nodding my head. After that, I just walked away and went about my business.

This situation clearly affected her. She went quiet and it was clear that she was upset. She didn't say a word to me anymore this evening (for around an hour before our shift was supposed to end). After work, I just said, "see you on Friday" and I wanted to go away. She said to me "Come on - where are you going? Are you stupid or something? I'll give you a lift". I agreed. We were talking like the adults about some general stuff - without mentioning our previous talk. When I was leaving I just said "thanks". She said "no problem - take care"

I finally stood up for myself and it felt really good, to be honest. Even though I like her - I know it was the right thing to do. I know that she wasn't testing anymore - it was a clear sign of disrespect and her true intentions - jerking me around. She was probably planning to cancel our meeting anyway - besides she didn't deserve to get even one minute of my time

Right now - unless she apologises and makes it up for me - I don't feel like meeting her apart from work.

The only thing I'm concerned about is the atmosphere during our shifts together at work - she will probably talk badly about me to our boss and coworkers for some time. I'm not intending to talk badly about her in return, though.

Also a question - what do you think - should I just tell her that I don't want her to drive me home after work to completely walk away or let her do it for me? (at least a slight investment on her side)

Okay - next update.

Last night we were working together. It was terrible - she didn't say a word to me during our whole shift. She treated me like I didn't exist. She's clearly hurt by my words I said to her last week.

Tonight we are working together again. I intend to ask her "Do you really want to work like this now?" I assume she will just ignore me, but I have to try to at least repair the atmosphere at work.

Yep that will happen....THAT is why you don't mess with women you work with. Better just figure out how to deal with a pissed off co-worker. Just know form here on out if she changes her tune, she is plotting to get even and hurt you. Emotionally, professionally or god forbid physically. Treat her like a back stabbing male coworker who reported you to your boss for stealing office supplies. She has shown what a manipulative bitch she is sos far and she can and will get worse. Don't fall in her trap .

Thanks for the reply.

I won't see her for 2 weeks, because her kid is sick and she won't be working. I intend to stand my ground and not contacting her at all. Maybe she will change her attitude.

She organized a Christmas party on the 2nd of December - but I'm not going to go - mainly because of her.

I don't think that she will try to get even in any other way than emotionally. Any other attempts would result in other coworkers knowing about or at least suspect our "affair". They all know her bf (he used to work there as well) and they would spread the news just for fun (this is the kind of people I have to work with...) It would ruin her life and probably result in some sort of abuse from him (he's a controlling asshole - from what she and other people stated). She's planning to leave him by going to college and finding another job to live by herself and taking care of her kid, but it will take her some time. She won't risk such a thing.

Yeah dude, oneitis can destroy you if you let it. I've found that the best way to get over a oneitis, and to prevent it from happening in the FIRST PLACE, is to just put yourself first.

You should always value your own happiness first, and get your shit in order. Handle your:
-Finances (make at least $10k/month)
-Health (be at least 12% bodyfat, very muscular)
-Relationships (learn pickup skills so you can meet another girl if need be, also have lots of male friends)
-Inner Game/Spirituality/Happiness (read happiness hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt)

Getting over a oneitis is tough (I was there about 7-8 months ago) especially if you guys were codependent. I recommend giving this article on oneitis a read.

It's going to take time, but this PUA stuff is never easy, dude. You get into this to get girls, and ultimately you find that you first need to become a happier, healthier, wealthier, and more emotionally giving man.

As cheesy and sappy as it sounds, it's true. You need to put your own self-growth and happiness first.