LoSt's Journal

Copying my intro post from another thread I started:
"Well, I'm back. Things sadly did not work out with the former GF and things have officially come to an end right around the 1 year mark. Thursday was one of the most stressful days of my life due to a lot insanity I'm dealing with at work. I'm brand new to a management position and I'm coming in during the middle of a major transition, a huge project, and a lot of staff turnover. On top of that my best friend's mom died last week and I had to take Monday off to attend the funeral, which not only added to my emotional burden but also put me further behind at work.

I was in the office from 8 AM until 7:30 PM on Thursday, and got home just in time for my girlfriend at the time to stop over and tell me she didn't want to see me anymore. Our relationship has been on the rocks for a while now, so it wasn't completely unprecedented, but needless to say it wasn't the timing I would have chosen. I'm not going to lie to you guys, I definitely broke down and had to step into a conference room a few times on Friday, it's been a really rough week for me.

But ultimately I think its going to be for the best. We were limping along and the relationship wasn't headed in the right direction, nor do I think that was realistically going to change. Sometimes its better to rip the bandaid off and be done with it, and I'll give her credit for being the one to do that, even though its put me in a lot of pain right now. I've always found that the best solution for a sudden absence of girls in my life is to go out and find more girls. So even though I'm nowhere near emotionally ready for a relationship I'm gearing up to get back on the saddle and get back into the game.

I think I previously boasted that I could take my Tinder system and have two girls I was seeing on the regular within 2-3 weeks. I'm going to give myself a little bit more wiggle room then that. Tonight is UFC 229 and I'm going to complete my monthly ritual of getting together with a bunch of guys to watch the fights. My goal is that by the time UFC 230 rolls around on November 3rd, I have two girls in my rotation. That gives me just under a month to land two fish that meet my standards and keep them on the hook. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do it or not, but it gives me something to shoot for. Based on past experience I estimate it will take ~6 dates to get to that number, and it might take me 20 girls I end up messaging to get those 6 dates. Those are very rough numbers of course.

The first challenge is going to be getting up the motivation to get started again. I've installed Tinder and started swiping, but I'm not sending any messages yet, which is a necessary first step. The other challenge I'm anticipating is that as my standards have increased it becomes harder and harder to find girls that meet them (and it is of course harder to get dates with those girls as well, due to all of the other men chasing after them). My goal is to post updates of some kind in this thread, although I can't speak to how frequently that will happen."

I'm a little over 1 week post-breakup and haven't made a ton of progress on my stated goals yet. I have one former fling that I should be seeing Wednesday and I've messaged 2 girls on Tinder, one of whom I got a response from, but it hasn't gone anywhere. Not exactly killer stats... I also went out the other week for a friends 30th birthday and ended up at a bar jam-packed with attractive women. I proceeded to awkwardly stand their for about 2 hours before going home. Yikes! Don't take club-game advice from me ladies and gentleman; its not something I've ever put time or effort into, and it definitely shows with my skillset. Get me on a 1:1 date with a girl and I'll bring her home by the end of the night, but put me into a loud crowded venue with a bunch of strangers and its just not my element.

I've been mulling over my life and what I want from it recently. Beautiful women sleeping with me is of course one of the goals, and I do intend to continue to pursue that. But there are a lot of other things I want to do, and I'm trying to figure out where I want to allocate my time and effort. I've certainly thought about trying to up my night game to avoid more embarrassing bar situations. The bottom line though, is that I hate bars and clubs. I find them loud and jarring and all of the random people distracting, and the fact that people pay a large amount of money for the privilege of being jostled by strangers and not being able to hear each other is something I've never quite understood.

I've also thought about day-game. But I'm a working professional in a major downtown hub, and while I don't want to use the fact that everyone I encounter is a white collar professional on their lunch break as an excuse for not wanting to approach, it does feel a little weird. And more to the point, I typically don't even have TIME for a lunch break, much less to prowl around downtown honing my game. These are, of course, obstacles that are conquerable if I really wanted to dedicate the time and effort to do so, but the question I'm asking myself is whether I really want to go down that path at this particular moment? I'm strapped for time right now, a little emotionally fragile, and I'm not sure if banging my head against a concrete wall and grinding on the hardest parts of seduction is the best move. I recognize that at some point, if I want to get to the next level, I'll have to get over the approach anxiety that every guy deals with in their seduction career. But as I've thought about things over this past week I've decided that for me that time isn't going to be now.

Work has been a huge focus of mine and will continue to be; I'm 4.5 years and 4 promotions into my career arc. Chase will often write about how you don't need an awesome job or a lot of money or amazing accomplishments to sleep with a bunch of attractive women. He's right of course, as he usually is, but I find that an awesome job and a lot of money and amazing accomplishments are worthwhile goals on their own. So that's a big one in my life that takes up a huge chunk of my time and brain space.

The other thing I've really been diving headfirst into is fitness. I just back to Brazillian Jiu Jitsu the other week after a long and slow rehab coming off of my 2nd shoulder surgery. During the time off the mats I started lifting a lot of weights, and as I've gotten stronger I've found that I'm really enjoying how it makes me feel. I've always allocated time in my life to exercise, but I'm not blessed with good genetics in that regard, and I never put enough time or thought into it to go beyond a very basic fitness level. Recently I've decided that I want to take it to the next level. I'm trying to work out at least 5 times a week, change my diet, and generally put a level of effort into fitness that I never have before to see where it gets me. I have a six pack hiding somewhere I'm sure, but I've never seen it, and I'd like to change that.

All of this is subject to change of course. In a week, or two, or three, I might really get the fire and decide I want to bite the bullet and start approaching strangers. For now though, I think I'll dabble a bit on Tinder when I have time, and pursue the other things in life that I want. Just my random musings for the day.

Date night tonight, we'll see how it goes. Wish me luck!

lostnumber said:

Date night tonight, we'll see how it goes. Wish me luck!

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You got it, dude!

Eh... Not a total bust, but not the outcome I wanted at all

Brief outline: Texted old fling about reconnecting, she agreed to meet for drinks but was going out of town, so we set things up for this week. I texted her yesterday to confirm we were still on, and she said yes and asked me where we should meet. From there here is the text conversation:

Me: Yeah, why don't you meet me at mine and we can walk somewhere? I'm still living right by [location]; easy parking and lots of cool bars
Her: But we've been to most of those places. I vote somewhere different *laugh emoji*
Her: How about [place x]? I've never been there. Or some sushi somewhere?

Now, at this point my heart sinks in my chest a little bit. It hopefully is pretty clear based on my messages to her that I want to hook up, and the fact that she is pushing back against meeting at my place (which is what I had her do when we originally met and I took her as a lover) tells me she is pushing back against that possibility. So I'm disappointed, but I reason 1) maybe she will still be down but is cautious until we've actually met up and reconnected, after all its been 1.5 years since we saw each other 2) the place she suggested is very close to me, and this girl does like to experience things, so maybe she legitimately wants to go somewhere else, but is still interested.

Either way, I know enough to know I can't force her over text to do something. I think about texting her some totally different options elsewhere in the city to maintain a dominant frame, but I decide to meet in the middle and text her the following:

Me: Mmm, there are a few you haven't seen yet But sushi does sound good... how about [location y]? They have their own sake brewery, which is pretty badass

She agrees, and onwards we go to the date. Date itself goes well, its fun, we're catching up, talking about life, etc. Eventually I decide to make a move and suggest we go see some music (we'd connected on music earlier in our interaction). She agrees, and we split the bill and head out. She asks me a bunch of questions about where we're going, but I tell her not to worry about it, have her drive me to my car, and tell her to follow me.

We get halfway back to my place, which is like 7 minutes away, and she texts me:
Her: If we're going back to your place, I'm going to kill you

I don't answer and keep driving. She calls me a minute later, and I answer (maybe this was a mistake) and she asks me if we're going to another bar or if I'm taking her back to my place
I say "Whattt, me? I would never try to do something like that. I just know this place with really cheap drinks and a super handsome DJ" obviously the gig is up at this point. I could have tried to take her somewhere else and pretend like that had been my plan all along, but I honestly had no plan B and didn't have any suitable place in my head that I could think of in time.

She refuses to come over and says its late and she has to go home for work tomorrow. I ask her if thats really the reason, she says yes, and I say fine, I totally understand, I know you're an early bird, at least stop and lets say a proper goodbye. She refuses and says she knows I'll try to persuade her to come in, says it was fun and we should do it again sometime, and drives off.

Afterwards I text her to try and diffuse tension and we have the following conversation:
Me: Look, all I'm going to say is that you missed out on an amazing musical experience *laugh face*
Her: Bahaha I'm sure. I am such a dumbass
Me: I'll forgive you for that, on the grounds that you're cute and fun to hang out with
Her: Lol and usually not so dumb
Me: I agree, historically you've agreed to come back to my place, and it's been a wise decision. But we all make mistakes sometimes ^_-
Me: It was fun catching up tonight
Her: Yes it was

And that is where we leave it... Not really sure here. It could be that she honestly thought this was going to be some kind of platonic meetup, although I really can't imagine how that would be the case. More likely in my mind is that she knew where this was going, hence why she avoided meeting me at my place in the first place, because maybe she was going to try and take things slow or save hooking up for a future date, and she really was a dumbass and got fooled when I suggested music. She realized that halfway through and now is flustered by it, which might kill the chances of getting together with her, similar to how Chase talks about "failed mating attempts"

That doesn't leave me in a great spot honestly, so I'm not 100% what the next play is. I tried to damage control and leave things on a positive note, but I'm not sure how effective that will be or won't be. I guess I'll see if she texts me tomorrow with something, and if not I'll figure out a gameplan from there.

Not a shocking outcome, because I set my expectations low once she wouldn't meet me at my place, but a disappointing one nonetheless

Been without the computer for a few weeks, hence no updates. Way too much to cover for me to writeup in detail so I'm going to jot down a few highlights for posterity:

Tinder
0/3 on Tinder girls actually meeting with me and not flaking. I've never been thrilled with the flake rate on my Tinder system but this past few weeks have been the worst by far. There are a few tweaks I'm trying to improve that, one of them being working on phone game. Historically I've been text-only when it comes to phones, but someone in a thread quite a while ago suggested using warm phone calls to lower flake rates and its something I want to try. So far I think the messages I've left have caused more harm than good going off of the reactions I'm getting, but like anything its a calibration exercise that you can only get better at through practice.

My tinder game is also suffering from a lack of effort -- I really am not putting that much into it at that point, and I think with at least one or two of these girls I didn't follow up well enough and let the trail go cold after getting a number. I've sort of decided that my priorities in life right now are 1) Work 2) Getting in shape 3) Dating/Social Life so dating has been getting the bottom end of the stick, but when I think I could be doing a better job then I am. I think I sent ~10 message to get 3 numbers, and that just isn't the kind of volume necessary. to get results

Laid
Got laid with an old fling and establish a FwB relationship. She's not a supreme looker but hey, it's something, and it's gotten me out of the drought since my gf and I broke up a month ago.

Australia Girl
I called Australia girl (the old fling from my previous post) like 10 days after the events of our first meeting. We made tentative plans to hang out this week. Logistics have changed a few times, we might hang out today, or maybe tomorrow. Its definitely not a bust in terms of talking/hanging out, but I have a feeling she is going to play hard to get and not let me lead our interaction where I want it to go (having sex). I might just put her in the "attractive girl that I'm just friends with and hang out with occasionally in social settings" bucket. That's not ideal, but I could use more concert buddies/foodie friends in my life so I won't be mad.

Approaching
The thing I'm most proud of myself for is that I went out last night with a friend and went back to the bar from 2 weeks ago where I stood around like a putz. This time I was determined to do something, so I actually approached at least 6 girls and struck up a conversation. There was only one where I really pushed for the close, who promptly shot me down, but I flirted, swapped my sport coat with a girls bright pink jacket for fun and snapped photos, and generally did a fairly good job of being a charming social creature. The bar scene still isn't me in my element, but I've decided the only way to get better at that is to practice. I'm not planning on going out of my way to do it at this point, but when an opportunity comes up like last night (work happy hour morphing into reconnecting with an old friend) I'm going to try and make the most of it and not stand around.

yo lost you should post or pm me your tinder conversations & ill help you troubleshoot

songbird fog said:

yo lost you should post or pm me your tinder conversations & ill help you troubleshoot

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Thanks for the offer songbird, but I'm not struggling with the Tinder portion. I'd actually consider myself one of the better guys on this forum when it comes to texting/online messaging and Tinder dating, since that's almost exclusively what I do. I think my last 10+ lays have all been from Tinder. The problem I'm having is that I get a number close and get a date scheduled but I'm so busy these days I'm not necessarily putting the time and effort I should be to build enough rapport to where girls don't flake once we have an actual date lined up.

I'm finding that when you schedule a date for a week+ out and all you've done is exchange a handful of tinder messages and some logistical texts girls just don't stay hooked the same way as if you're meeting them in a day or two. So I'll have to make a few adaptations to what was working for me before I think.

So, a new year is upon us, and I'm starting (hopefully) to get up the mojo to get back on the horse here. Typically I've found that when I get out of a relationship I want to jump back into things right away, but after trying that in October and dealing with some frustrating flakes I found that I just didn't have the energy. I decided to take some time to focus on working out and my career and really put girl and relationship stuff on the backburner.

My philosophy has basically been that I'm not going out of my way to meet girls, but if I'm out at a bar or something and there are approachable girls (which maybe happens once every month or so) I'm going to man up and at least take a shot or two. I went out with a buddy on New Years and had zero luck, way too many couples and single guys, and I think we waited too long to go out because everywhere we went was absolutely packed. Still had fun hanging with him though. Yesterday I was out all night as part of a work happy hour and had two approaches one of which got me a number (although that trail has run cold). The biggest victory for me though, is that I actually made the attempt, which is the most challenging hurdle for me. I'm finding that there is a vast gulf in my skills in different areas of dating, which shouldn't be surprising I suppose given my historical approach to dating and the types of social circles I frequent, but has still been a lesson to me. Get me 1:1 on a date with someone in a classy environment and I can close 3 times out of 5, but walking up to a stranger in a bar is something I really struggle with. That's normal for most guys I know, but in terms of fundamentals, conversation, etc I feel like I'm significantly beyond beginner level, so it's been a bit of reality check to see the gap. I feel like that one guy at the gym who only does bench press every day and can't touch his toes or do a squat. At least I've finally discovered the leg press machine and am making some small effort.

I bought the Chase one date system in October and haven't even looked at anything, so I'm starting to watch some of those videos. Continuing to work on my general social skills and leadership abilities. I took a leadership role in my company in August last year and have six people reporting to me now, so I feel like that's been a very good growth experience. Obviously a lot of differences between hitting on girls in bars and managing employees at a brokerage firm, but there are a lot of important social skills that overlap.

I'm close to pulling the trigger on getting back to Tinder but haven't yet. Another thing on the "I would like to do this" agenda is to get some updated professional pictures and explore some of the more serious dating websites.

So, no concrete goals right now, but definitely getting back in the mindset. And I do feel like I've continued to develop in many ways over the last several months, so even though my succuess with girls has been very minimal it hasn't been wasted time.

Upwards and onwards.

A day or two after posting this I got the fire back and went on a quick Tinder binge. Four numbers so far, one of which I converted to a successful date and lay last night. So I'm officially back in the game!

Had another session with the first girl, will post a LR at some point if I can muster the energy. I was in Arizona for most of last week but I had a date with a 2nd girl tonight and converted, so I'm 2/2 since jumping back on the wagon. I have another date lined up for Friday and two more prospects I'm trying to get logistics nailed down for

Life is firing on all cylinders and I'm back in business! Don't have the time to post as much as I'd like however

Spontaneous Valentine's day date acquired! Wish me luck

Pulled back to my place, fooled around a little bit, but she was insistent that she go pick up her friend from a party. She pretty much was begging me to get together again and seal the deal at a later date though. We know how these things go sometimes of course, but I think there is a strong possibility this one converts.

So 3/3 on pulls, 2/3 on closing so far.

Pulled again tonight, we fooled around a bit, she was a much less experienced foreign girl and put up a lot of LMR. Didn't close but got her grinding on top of me, bra and shirt off, touching me, etc.

4/4 on pulls 2/4 on closes in 2019

lostnumber said:

Pulled again tonight, we fooled around a bit, she was a much less experienced foreign girl and put up a lot of LMR. Didn't close but got her grinding on top of me, bra and shirt off, touching me, etc.

4/4 on pulls 2/4 on closes in 2019

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Closed on 2nd date and overcame a mountain of LMR. This one really deserves a LR if I ever muster the time/energy

So 3/4 on closing in 2019.

Girl 1 left last week on a one way trip to Europe
Girl 2 sadly decided she was looking for something else (I blame myself for not being on my A-game when it came to getting intimate)
Girl 3 made followup plans with me but then canceled due to illness. We'll see where that one leads
Girl 4 Closed last night on the 2nd date