Girls Will Auto-Reject You If You Don't Move Fast Enough

I feel like this topic is covered fairly well in various articles already, but I really want to drive home the ‘missed escalation window’ and ‘auto-rejection’ connection, just so it is extra clear.

Women who like you will auto-reject you if you fail to move fast enough to escalate with them. The solution to this, as is the solution for many things, is that you have to move faster.

I spoke with a mentorship student earlier today who related an approach to me that was a perfect example of this. He and his wingman (another student of mine; I am coaching both men, which is fun because I get to hear different perspectives on the various approaches they are making together) were out at a bar when his wingman approached the two most beautiful girls in the place, a pair of hot, slim, early-20s girls in tight, slinky dresses, seated next to each other at the bar. His wingman took the girl in the red dress and my student in question here got the girl all in black.

Due to the logistics of the bar, his wing was able to quickly lock in with the red dress girl, but my student was stuck hanging in space as he spoke to his girl… but it didn’t matter. This girl was into him. For two hours, their conversation flowed freely, he teased and screened her liberally and she bantered back and qualified herself; she was into it. At one point deep into things, she asked his age and was startled at the gap (him: 33; her: 23, just out of college), but she got past it and settled back into the flirtation.

Yet, after two hours, she suddenly flipped: when she asked him if he was familiar with her favorite drink (pisco sour), he made just a very slight fumble (“Yeah, I’m familiar. I think it’s kind of like a daiquiri?”), she completely turned on him and began to argue with him (“No. You’re wrong. You don’t know what you’re talking about”).

He was stunned: it seemed to come out of nowhere! They’d had an amazing vibe going for two hours! Why had she suddenly turned on him like that? Just because he said something about her drink that didn’t sit well with her?

She and her friend left for the bathroom moments later, and his wingman wanted to leave, so they did not see the girls again. The whole great-for-two-hours interaction ended on a (pisco) sour note.

As I told him when we spoke, however, it wasn’t the drink comment that really set her off like that. The drink comment was just the trigger; it was the final grain of sand that triggered an avalanche. The real problem was this: he should’ve moved her from the bar and gotten her isolated much, much sooner. He should have ESCALATED – but he didn’t, and she auto-rejected him as a result.

 

Attainability Isn’t Just About Whether You Are Nice to Her

I think a lot of guys, when they think about attainability, default to thinking about it in a kind of nice guy-ish way:

• “I have to be nice to her”

• “I have to be respectful of her”

• “I have to be available enough for her”

Yes, those things will raise attainability to a point, but attainability encompasses much more than these.

Recall the three attainability questions:

1. “Is this for real?”

2. “Does he respect me as a friend?”

3. “Can a girl like me get a guy like him?”

Now, if a girl is into you, and she is loving her flirtation with you, and she is waiting for you to make a move… and the flirtation goes on… and on… and on… and you show no signs you are ever going to make a move… how does that affect attainability?

When we talk about ‘making a move’, mind you, we mean progressing the courtship. For instance:

• Moving her

• Isolating her

• Delivering a statement of intent

• Changing venues with her

• Pulling her home

• Kissing her

You do not just need to do one of these and call it a day, mind you. You need to keep escalating things and moving the courtship forward so long as you are with the girl. You cannot just escalate a bit, then chill out the rest of the time you’re with her and trust that should still be enough. Attainability can still crash.

Here is how failure to escalate in a timely manner impacts attainability:

• “Is this for real?” At first, she may have thought it was. It’s definitely ‘for real’; she has an amazing connection with a guy who really likes her; it’s bound to lead somewhere, she thinks! Yet as time passes and no forward progress happens, her hopes dim, then turn to frustration, and eventually outright auto-rejection (“This guy is just a tease. He isn’t serious about making anything happen at all! I can’t believe I fell for it”).

• “Does he respect me as a friend?” Earlier on, when my mentorship student was bantering with his girl, and she was happily bantering back, I’m sure she felt like he respect her as a friend. After all, playful banter is a very chummy thing to engage in! But past a certain point, where she had likely been signaling for a while or at least was waiting for him to escalate, but no escalation occurred, a girl in this situation will start to feel like you are ignoring her signals and do not actually care what she wants; you are just there purely for your own self-amusement. Respect as a friend plummets, and with it, so plummets attainability.

• “Can a girl like me get a guy like him?” As soon as she figures out/decides that you aren’t going to make a move, she has her answer: no, a girl like her cannot get a guy like you. There goes your attainability.

For this reason, we can very much say this:

Attainability is as much tied to ESCALATING with a girl as it is to anything else.

In other words:

If you move too slow, if you fail to escalate, if you leave her ‘high and dry’, you destroy your attainability. At that point, she auto-rejects.

READ MORE: Staying Out of Auto-Rejection

 

She Wanted Him to Make a Move

In the case of my mentorship student, the girl he was talking to was a fiery-tempered Peruvian-American girl. Why did his pisco sour comment set her off?

Although he was factually correct (the daiquiri is the foundational model for the pisco sour; the pisco sour is often described as a pisco-based daiquiri), he framed it tentatively and the girl felt like she was being burdened to explain something she didn’t want to have to explain, to a guy who already wasn’t taking her seriously (and whom she was upset with because she was hoping he would take her seriously).

(As an example, imagine you are feeling frustrated with someone, then ask that person, “Do you know what a [whatever – something important to you] is?” and that person replied with, “I think that is like [something you believe is totally separate from it]?” Your response would likely be, “Oh why am I even bothering with this, geez!”)

As I told him when we spoke, had he recently moved her and been sitting with her on the couch, and she was buzzing with excitement that the interaction was heading somewhere, the same exchange would’ve had a very different result. Instead, it probably would’ve gone like so:

HER: Are you familiar with the pisco sour?

HIM: Yeah, I’m familiar with it. I think it’s kinda like a daiquiri?

HER: [backhand hitting his thigh] No! You don’t know anything! [playfully this time, instead of annoyed] How can you say you know pisco sour then say it’s like a daiquiri? [shaking head grinning]

HIM: All right, so educate me (compliance request): what makes the pisco sour special and different?

HER: A pisco sour is [describing a pisco sour to him, probably in a flirtatious way]

When a girl feels like it’s going somewhere with you, she will happily explain things to get the two of you on the same page, because she is investing in raising similarity with you and synchronizing the two of your thoughts and feelings. Alternately, when attainability is low and she has lost hope the interaction will progress, she only feels frustrated being asked to invest more in trying to synchronize with a guy who’s already clearly so unsynchronized with her (otherwise he’d have escalated things a long time ago!).

In the student’s case, the girl actually gave him a final chance to save the interaction. When her friend in the red dress (who was still very into my student’s wingman) declared that after two hours of talking and drinking she needed to use the bathroom, my student’s black dress girl, still annoyed, told her friend she’d join her, then began testing my student:

HER: Do you know where the bathroom is?

HIM: Yeah, it’s over there, behind blah blah, turn left at blah blah

HER: You’re not going to send me to a port-a-potty, are you? Do you actually know where it is?

HIM: Yes! It is just over at blah blah (directions)

HER: You’d better not be sending me all over. I hope you are right.

As I told him, this was an escalation window. A girl who wants to get away from you does not repeatedly pester you to clarify the directions and test you on your response. At most she may ask you once… more likely she will not even do that; she will just leave and find it herself or ask someone else. But this girl stayed around, repeatedly asking him, testing him on his response, waiting. Unfortunately, he missed the signs (happens when you are new to cold approach) and just gave her the directions and let her go.

What he needed to do here was not to give her directions but to take the lead:

HER: Do you know where the bathroom is?

HIM: Yeah. Here, take my arm, I’ll show you [pat arm for her to take it].

HER: No, it’s okay, just tell me where it is.

HIM: Take my arm, I will guide you there [smile and pat arm more insistently].

HER: It’s okay…

HIM: Just take my arm! [grinning and patting very insistently]

HER: Fine!

You get compliance from her, you get touch, you lead her, you move her, and you show a lot of protective concern about her, immediately rocketing attainability right back up again. The whole problem she was auto-rejecting over would’ve been solved.

(In this case, my student’s wingman felt too tired after talking to the girls for two hours and decided they should head home while the girls were away in the bathroom. I gave the other student a stern talking-to over that one; he should’ve invited the red dress girl home, rather than simply left. He’s been messaging her since, but hasn’t gotten a response; you’ve got to strike while the iron is hot!)

Anyway, the point is: the Peruvian-American black dress girl wanted my student to escalate. When he took too long, she started to auto-reject; when he didn’t take the final opportunity she gave him to show he was actually sincere about his attraction to her, she likely auto-rejected completely.

If you fail to move fast enough with girls who are into you, they will auto-reject!

 

You’ve Got to Move Faster to Preserve Attainability

Moving faster is not just about having less time for mistakes to creep in.

It is about keeping things moving so girls never start to ‘lose hope’ that this interaction with you is ‘for real’! Especially if you are a flirt, if you are building a deep connection, if you are making touch happen, all these things will be giving her strong ‘this is going somewhere’ vibes, which you are either going to deliver on at some point (i.e., by actually making it go somewhere) or you are going to fail to deliver on (i.e., by staying in one place for too long not actually making it go anywhere).

‘Move faster’ – within reason, of course; you are not rushing – is about preserving attainability as much as it is about not getting in your own head or missing out on chances.

Girls lose hope in guys who flirt a lot but don’t make moves. They write these guys off as “I guess he’s insincere” “I guess he’s all talk and no action” “I guess he doesn’t actually want to do anything.”

If you do not want girls to lose hope in you, MOVE FASTER!

READ MORE: Secrets to Getting Girls: Move Faster

 

Be Nice to Her: Keep Things Moving!

Think about it this way:

You are being nicer to girls by escalating.

It is a sad thing when you like a girl, and she likes you, but you make no moves and attraction expires. She deems you uninterested in her, “just a tease”, “just someone being social”, and feels foolish for even having liked you. She feels rejected.

If you do not want the cute, wonderful girls you talk to feeling led on by you then rejected, you must escalate with them.

Further, you must escalate within a certain amount of time.

“Time waits for no man,” they say.

Well, women wait even less than Father Time does. Father Time isn’t sensitive to feeling rejected, but women certainly are.

So do her a favor:

Be nice to her, and escalate.

It’ll save your attainability.

It’ll save you from auto-rejection.

And it may well be the nicest thing anyone’s done for her all month 🙂

Chase