Be Sexy, Not Handsome; Be Smooth, Not Successful

The average man worries he is not handsome enough or successful enough for women.

When he fails to get a date or to attract the women he wants, he attributes it to things like these:

• “I am not handsome enough.”

• “I am not tall enough.”

• “I am not successful enough.”

• “I am not young enough.”

Of course, there is little a man can do to change his handsomeness (or so he thinks). He cannot grow taller. He’s not likely to become more of a success, at least not on any short time scale. And he’ll never turn back the hands of time.

Thus, there is nothing he can do, he concludes. So he feels sad, feels angry, and surrenders.

That’s why we call such men Average Frustrated Chumps (or AFCs).

Men who do well with women – who are not Average Frustrated Chumps – don’t pay much attention at all to the things that AFCs fret over so obsessively.

They don’t worry that they aren’t handsome enough.

They don’t care that they’re not tall enough.

They don’t concern themselves with conveying ‘success’ to women.

They don’t pay much attention to their ages.

Instead, they just tweak, refine, and adjust the things that actually get them women. Then they go and get women.

This article is about this difference in attraction strategy:

On focusing on how sexy you are, rather than how handsome; on focusing on how smooth you are, rather than how successful.

Because sexiness and smoothness are extremely adjustable, and in the long run they have far greater impact on your success with women than anything filling the minds of AFCs.

 

“I Realized I Can Learn This”

Yesterday I spoke with a 27-year-old mentorship student from Germany who’s been day gaming for about a month. He’s been a Girls Chase reader for years but finally took the cold approach plunge (after some success with women from social circle) at the same time he decided to sign up for a mentorship with me.

He got off to a fast start (thanks, in no small part, to the skill he’d already built via social circle hookups, plus his years of studying Girls Chase) and picked up a couple of girls from day game right away. But he still struggles with anxiety around making an approach.

When we talked yesterday though, he said this to me:

I finally just realized I can learn this. Before I used to think maybe this was something that wouldn’t work for me. But now that I’ve had a few positive experiences I’ve begun to realize it can.

What can work, exactly?

Treating success with women as a skill you can apply yourself to, improve at, and reap increasing rewards from as you raise your level.

I’m sure he knew that in theory before. He’d been a Girls Chase reader for years before he attempted cold approach. The “you too can learn to do this” bit is something I kinda drill into people’s heads in these articles (or try to!).

But it’s one thing to think or hear something like “succeeding with women is a skill”, VERSUS to actually intuit it in your bones.

There is no shortcut to that epiphany; you have to just attempt it, and attempt it, until you achieve those early successes. Then you come to know it.

READ MORE: Secrets to Getting Girls: Positive Reference Experiences

One of the things that changes once you come to know it is you begin to worry far less about the things the AFCs worry about:

You become far less worried about your genetic looks, height, age, level of income/financial/career success. Not because these things don’t matter at all in an absolute sense (they all do play some role in attraction), but because worrying about them is effectively irrelevant when it comes to getting girls.

It’s like worrying that you aren’t as attractive to women because you can’t fly like Superman or shoot laser beams like Cyclops. Sure, if you could fly or shoot laser beams you’d probably be more attractive to women. But if you can’t fly or shoot laser beams, worrying about that doesn’t help you at all with women – so you discard such worries.

Instead, you focus on the things that are actually adjustable for you… the things you can focus on that make a BIG difference:

Things like being sexy, and being smooth.

 

The Adjustable Mindset

Realizing that you can learn to succeed with women rearranges the pathways in your brain.

Whereas in the AFC brain, the pathway to get women is hardcoded to “get born with or luck into the right attributes”, where success with women is this kind of luck of the draw, fate, out-of-his-hands unknowable, uncontrollable phenomenon, in the seducer’s brain the pathway to women is far more pliable.

Yes, the seducer knows he will not get every woman. Well, perhaps some seducers (especially once they hit about intermediate level) become taken with the idea that if they just do things right they CAN get ANY girl… at which point they often start to beat themselves up a bit too much whenever they fail. Yet the mature seducer is at peace with the notion that many girls will not be able to be seduced by him for any of a number of unknowable reasons.

The mature & skilled seducer is at peace with this because even if one girl is uninterested in him, he knows he can find another one just like her who WILL be interested in him!

He has accepted the asymmetric nature of seduction. That is, N girls will reject you or be uninterested for reasons forever opaque to you. BUT THEN, you will find a girl (sometimes one you are truly excited about) who happily accepts you, again for reasons opaque to you.

READ MORE: Picking Up Girls and the Game of Asymmetric Returns

It’s an AFC cognitive bias, assuming one can ‘mind read’ women and know exactly why they aren’t interested in this man or that:

• “It must be because he’s not handsome enough.”

• “It must be because he’s not tall enough.”

• “It must be because he’s not rich enough.”

• “It must be because he’s not young enough.”

This cognitive bias fails to explain all sorts of rejections:

• If it’s his handsomeness, why does another woman – more beautiful than the one who rejected him due to ‘lack of looks’ – date and sleep with him, rather than reject him?

• If it’s his height, ditto: why does another woman – taller than the one who rejected him due to ‘lack of height’ – end up in his bed, and not reject him too?

• If it’s his wealth, the same.

• If it’s his age, the same.

Those suffering under the bias handwave these examples: “She’s the exception, not the rule!”

But that’s what seduction is: it is searching for the exceptions.

No matter who you are or how you meet women, the vast majority of women will be closed to you.

Even if you are a celebrity billionaire, the majority of women will be closed to you.

Even if you are the most handsome man at your male modeling agency, the majority of women will be closed to you.

A seducer is always looking for the EXCEPTIONS.

The seducer concerns himself with those adjustments he can make that will increase his odds of running into ‘exceptions’:

• Attractiveness fundamentals that make him sexier, so more women are open to him right from the jump, and cut him more slack all throughout the seduction.

• Adroit game that makes him smoother, so he can more easily attract even women who aren’t so open to him at first, plus lead things effortlessly from hello to intimacy.

He discovers that the better he gets at these two things – smoothness and sexiness – the better he does with girls. The more of the girls he meets who are those ‘exceptions’, and the easier the seduction game gets for him.

Even if he once worried about his handsomeness, or his height, or his success, or his age, he stops worrying about these things as his mental pathways lock onto those avenues open to him to adjustment that lead him to more intimacy with more (and better) girls.

He attains the Adjustable Mindset, and now when he thinks about women, rather than, “It’s so unfair, I lack XYZ,” his only thought is, “What should I change next to achieve better results?”

 

Be Sexy, Not Handsome

Once, at a bar with a female friend, I met a tall, handsome man in his middle twenties.

We spoke for a few minutes, then moved away. As we watched, a pair of cute-ish girls approached the tall, handsome man, taking advantage of the opening left when my female friend and I moved away from him.

“Watch,” my friend said. “Every time we go out to bars he has girls come up to him because he’s so handsome. But after two or three minutes they always leave because he has no idea what to say to girls. They always complain he’s boring!”

“That’s a tragedy,” I said. “Someone should teach that guy some game!”

Sure enough, a couple minutes later the two girls left, and the guy looked embarrassed and a bit bewildered. Struck out again!

Being very handsome will get you easy attention from women. But there also are not that many very handsome men. If there were, they wouldn’t get as much attention… since, after all, they’d be so much more common!

That attention doesn’t go very far if you can’t use it, and in my experiences, most handsome men struggle to. Most haven’t learned how to be sexy, most haven’t learned how to be smooth, and most fumble the attention they get from girls, unless the girl is very confident and knows how to drive things forward. Most girls are not that way. Most girls, if they approach you, give you a short window to take the lead with them, then if you do not they get too self-conscious and eject.

READ MORE: Tactics Tuesdays: Get Approached by Women

There’s another problem with just being handsome: there’s nothing sexual about it.

Women admire a good-looking man’s face the way they admire a beautiful woman or a beautiful baby or a beautiful piece of art. It is aesthetically pleasing. It is not something that moistens their loins.

For that, you require sexual signals. That is the domain of sexiness.

Sexiness is something very different from handsomeness:

• You can be both: you can be handsome and sexy. If you’re already handsome, this is the ideal!

• However, you can also be handsome but not sexy… this will get you admired by women, but they will not want to do anything with you.

• You can also be sexy but not handsome. You won’t get the easy admiration a handsome man does, however you can turn women on.

• Heck, you can even be ugly and sexy! Look up the term ‘sexy ugly’ or ‘ugly hot’. There are plenty of examples of men who fit this description.

The reason sexiness is powerful – and it is powerful in both women AND men – is because it signals the individual is a sexual person and tempts the other to think about sex with him or her.

In women, sexiness is more powerful than beauty because sexiness signals sexual receptivity in women, something men are evolutionarily wired to look for and prioritize.

In men, sexiness is more powerful than handsomeness because sexiness signals prior sexual success in men, something women are evolutionarily wired to look for and prioritize.

So yes, if you are handsome, that’s great; milk it for all it’s worth!

But whether you are handsome or not, the far more important thing is to be sexy.

That means good fundamentals and sexy facial expressions and sexy body language.

I have a guide to sexiness overall (what it is + how to be it), which I recommend all men who want more success with women read.

READ MORE: Sexiness: What It Is & How to Have It

 

Be Smooth, Not Successful

Back when I was a newly minted ‘success’, in possession of a well-compensated position with a prestigious firm, I made a habit of going around telling women about my job and company, hoping to impress them. I noticed a lot of other guys were doing the same thing as me, also telling women about their jobs and companies.

The response I got surprised me: women would act politely impressed, but I detected no sexual or romantic interest at all. I’d heard all my life that women liked successful men! Why weren’t they kicking my door down to be with me?

I reread older seduction materials and discovered that men even with successful careers and lots of money in the bank dodged talking about their careers. Women would ask them what they did and they’d respond with flippant things like “I’m an ass model.” This would be a guy who worked in IT with millions in the bank! Why wasn’t he using that to his advantage?

Well, because “I work in IT and have a lot of money in the bank” is boring.

It’s not flirtatious. Further, it frames the man as trying to get the woman.

What happens when you give chase? That’s right – she runs.

“I’m an ass model” (or any other silly/funny reply) does the exact opposite: it tells her you are so unconcerned with trying to impress her that you will literally say something flip.

She laughs; her attempt to screen you has been negated; and you seem like a guy who really doesn’t care if she likes him or not. Why would that be attractive to women, though?

Well, that’s because just like I’d been doing, just like almost every guy tries doing, most men approach women trying to impress them.

It is, simply put, the AFC way.

Average Frustrated Chumps try to impress women with their:

• Job, career, or business

• Hobbies, pastimes, or worldliness

• Assets such as cars, homes, or wealth

• Status at work or at a certain venue

Women see this day in and day out from men and know exactly what it signals: “This guy is trying to get me. This guy wants me. I am the prize.”

Unless you are SO MUCH more successful than ANY other man she has access to… and often not even then… you will NOT impress her.

This is the problem with relying on ‘impressing her with my success’.

Odds are good you just make yourself look like every other guy who’s tried impressing her the same way, with the same things that you are, and probably not as good as the best of them:

• You’ve got a $150K/year job? Cool. She met two guys last week making $400K.

• You’ve got a BMW? Nice for you! She had a date last month with a guy with a Ferrari.

• You’ve been to seven countries? Neat. The other guy hitting on her is an ambassador.

• You’re a middle manager? Awesome. Her last boyfriend was the CFO.

You get the picture. There’s always a bigger fish in the ‘impress her so hard’ game, and she’s probably met him, dated him, or is currently talking to him.

Far fewer men are SMOOTH. Most men are totally clunky in their approach to women.

They rely on ‘impress the girl’ rather than ‘smoothly seduce her’.

Smoothness works with women for the same reason sexiness does, however:

• A man trying to impress a woman makes her feel cheap (“Oh, you must think that’s so high above me it’d impress me, huh?”), makes her feel like the guy thinks she must not get other guys like him (“You think that makes you special, buddy?”), and makes the guy seem like he must not be all that successful with women (otherwise he wouldn’t be rushing so hard to prove himself to her).

• A man smoothly seducing a woman makes her feel fun (“This guy’s a great time to talk to!”), makes her feel like the guy actually respects her (you don’t act smooth with girls you don’t think can handle it), and makes the guy seem like he must get girls like her all the time (otherwise he’d be too nervous to be smooth with her and would be trying to impress her instead).

Smoothness, like sexiness, is a ‘sexually successful man’ tell.

Like it or not, women are driven by evolutionary pressure to strongly prefer men who signal sexual success.

“I want to impress you; look how impressive I am,” does not signal sexual success. It signals cluelessness (AFC-dom) and often a degree of helpless desperation (“Please pick me!”).

“I don’t care what you think about me; I’m just here to have fun,” on the other hand absolutely signals sexual success. It tells the woman this guy must get girls like her all the time… which, to women, is very, very ATTRACTIVE.

If you’ve been trying too hard to impress women, or even trying a bit hard, I recommend you cut that out and learn to be a little smoother instead.

READ MORE: How to Be Smooth with Girls Every Time

 

Conclusion

AFCs always wish they were something they’re not, and can’t easily be, or can never be:

• Handsomer

• Taller

• More successful

• Younger

A seducer doesn’t worry about what’s outside his control.

Sure, maybe he loses some points with some girls because that girl prefers men who look more handsome to her than he does, or who are taller, or more successful, or are a different age.

But you will never know for sure which girls you lost due to what reason, and the reasons men ‘guess’ women rejected them are often far off the mark. Many of the most common reasons women reject men the AFC is not even aware of as reasons he’s being rejected at all.

READ MORE: 5 Super Common Reasons Guys Get Rejected by Girls

What’s more, if you are actually getting volume in… that is to say, if you are meeting enough women… and you have SOME game, you will very quickly run into exceptions to everything:

• Girl A is a 6-out-of-10 but rejects you. Girl B is an 8-out-of-10 but sleeps with you.

• Girl C is 5’ tall and rejects you for being “too short.” Girl D is 5’6” but sleeps with you.

• Girl E is 23 but rejects you for being “too old.” Girl F is 19 yet sleeps with you.

You can’t even argue that it’s ‘overall SMV’. You’ll get short, older, just-kinda-cute girls rejecting you while a tall, younger, really hot girl sleeps with you. What kind of sense does THAT make? You have to go really deep into female preferences and psychology – and let go of a lot of preconceptions and limiting beliefs about how female attraction to males work – to make sense of it.

Ultimately, the biggest thing you learn as a seducer is to stop worrying.

You control what you can control. You forget about what you can’t.

Then you go out there and meet women until something clicks.

You level up over time too, of course, by adjusting what’s adjustable.

Beyond that, it’s just ‘The Game’:

A game of variable returns and unpredictable outcomes.

Sometimes it doesn’t go your way, but sometimes it does.

Every good seducer is a little bit of a gambler in this way. He knows there’s nothing guaranteed – except that if he keeps going out, keeps trying his luck, keeps running his game the way he knows how, in his smooth and sexy way, sooner or later the dice will roll his way.

Yours,
Chase Amante