Towards the end of 2008 and the beginning of 2009, I decided to focus my energies on a new thing I had to learn and get down: how to be sexy. I wanted to give myself a dangerous, edgy, exciting vibe, that compelled women to want me and desire me and be amenable to moving quickly with me. At the time, I didn’t really know how I was going to go about it, but I set to work on cracking the code of sexiness nonetheless.
Two years later, I bed women faster than ever, get strong initial attraction from most of the women I talk to, and get told all the time that I’m handsome, sexy, and good-looking. When I meet new women, they’re more likely than not willing to do as I command very early on in our interactions, and I can often suck them into an almost trance-like state of interest and desire. This was something I was doing only occasionally in early 2008, but am doing regularly and consistently now.
The process of how I went about revamping myself from a cool, friendly, neutral guy to a dangerous, edgy, sexy man is what I’m going to share with you in this post. So strap yourself in and let’s get you turning on some beautiful girls.
Why You Should Want to be a Sexy Man
Before we dive in, let’s talk a bit about what the benefits are to you of becoming a sexy man. Like anything, it’s going to take a little work and it’s going to take a little while to up your level of sexiness – why should you bother working on this and not focusing more on getting a promotion at work or a nice new car?
I’m thinking of this particularly because my ex-girlfriend I’m staying with in California tells me about a coworker of hers who’s decided that he wants to get married in three years… so his first step has been to buy a really nice Audi convertible. He already has a big, gorgeous house, bought and paid for, and he just paid cash for his Audi. Financially, he’s doing all right; he was recently promoted at work and is in a fairly important position in his company. He has virtually no success with women and is currently being pushed around and scolded by the one woman he’s courting, whom from everything I’ve heard he hasn’t even slept with yet.
Me on the other hand, I’m the same age as this other cat, and while I formerly had a good position with a prestigious company, I’ve been unemployed for the better part of a year, with no promising job prospects on the horizon. Everything I own fits in three suitcases. I have no problem with women whatsoever though; girls have been coming quick and effortlessly for me lately, and I have dates with eight new women lined up within the next two or three weeks, not to mention the girls I’m still seeing that I’ve already gotten together with this year.
Most men, when they want to attract more women, start building their nests. This doesn’t work. I could tell you about plenty of other guys I know who are plowing themselves into advancement in their careers and making lots of big purchases and who do awful with women, and plenty of other guys who are dead broke and drifting around like me and are having success with women.
Now, I don’t want to give you the misconception that material success and success with women are mutually exclusive – I also know guys who bring in a lot of money and bring in a lot of girls, and I’ve met (thought can’t say I keep much company with) men who are broke and jobless and can’t get a girl to save their lives. The point I want to make is that most men target material success as the answer to getting girls, and it isn’t. At best, it’s a tool. At worst, it’s a distraction.
The more I think about it, the more I think men pursue material success as an attempt to woo women because it’s easier. You don’t have to work on yourself, you don’t have to critique yourself, you don’t have to change and go out there and fail and refine and get better. You just have to work hard, save up, and thenBOOM!, go buy something. Now that you have this new toy, the women will want you… right?
Here’s the truth: women aren’t interested in toys. They might get excited about your car, but that lasts all of ten seconds and a ride around the block. Cars are mostly good for impressing other men. If you want to impress women, you need to work on you. Sexiness, you’ll find, is one of the primary ways you will do that.
Sexy men get all kinds of special privileges and advantages with women that men low in sexiness don’t get:
- Instant attraction. Obviously, this is going to be one of the big ones. Life’s a lot easier when women are instantly drawn to you. One, because you’ll find more success with them, and two, because you’ll be working a lot less hard to get it.
- Access to higher level women. The sexier you are, the more women you’ll have access to. Women who would’ve been cold to me on the approach two years ago now receive me very warmly and with a good deal of excitement. The better you get at being sexy, the more options you have with more beautiful and higher value women. They just respond better to you than they do to less sexy men.
- Ability to move quickly, get sexual fast, and have it feel natural. A more friendly, neutral kind of guy who tries going sexual quickly with a woman can often have it end up being weird or awkward for her. It seems out of character for him to be doing something a sexual guy would do but a friendly guy would not. If you’re going to start moving faster with women – which is what you’ll need to do if you want more success with women and don’t want to lose girls to lack of speed – you’re going to need to step up your sexiness. Sexy men get to skip steps in a seduction that unsexy men just don’t.
- Help from women’s friends. Believe it or not, being sexy actually makes a women’s friends more likely to help you succeed, more often than not. What will happen a lot is they’ll see you talking to their friend, think to themselves you seem sexy, then want their friend to enjoy having you and will help the two of you get together. This makes for a much smoother, easier seduction than you’d otherwise need to put together.
How to be a Sexy Man
Once you’ve decided revamping yourself a little bit and dialing up the sex appeal is a good idea and one worth a tad of your time and effort, you need to start targeting those things that impact your sexiness the most. Here they are, in no particular order:
- Fashion. It takes time to develop a good fashion sense, so especially if you’re just starting out, don’t get yourself feeling overwhelmed and instead seek to gradually improve your wardrobe with time. Start by sizing yourself down into smaller, better-fitting clothes, and look for more stylish things to wear. Look too for colors that compliment your skin, hair, and eye colors; generally speaking, people with lighter colored skin look better in duller colors, while people with darker colored skin can get away with more vibrant hues.
- Eye contact and facial expressions. Check out “Elite Eye Contact” and “Wordless Communication” for a primer on getting some of these down. One of the best ways to learn your nonverbals though, in my opinion? Movies. Many top actors have their nonverbal communication down to a science, and you can pick up all kinds of nuanced, finely hewn details by paying attention.
- Smiling and using your mouth. Get sexy smiling down and smile slowly to add sincerity and warmth to your smiles. Purse your lips ever so slightly (note: not pucker, but rather purse), like what Daniel Craig is nearly constantly doing in the latest James Bond films. The pursing of the lips, in conjunction with a small, sexy smile, gives you a sexual edge to just about any facial expression you make – no matter what else you’re doing with your eyes, mouth, brow, etc., if your lips are slightly pursed and you’re wearing a slight hint of a sexy smile, you’ll exude sexual energy.
- Walk. You should be walking like a male model on a catwalk, or a gunslinger from the American West… and you should be walking in a way that leaves some space between your thighs. Strangely, I noticed that one day, after I’d been walking all day in abrasive pants in very hot weather, when my thighs had gotten chafed, as I started walking delicately trying to keep my legs far apart so my thighs wouldn’t touch, I started having women telling me I had a sexy walk. At first I thought they were kidding, but I soon realized they were serious. My only interpretation is, a walk like that looks to women as though you have a large amount of… well, goods… between your legs, which appeals to their subconscious desire to seek out the most masculine man with the biggest set of… ahem… confidence, shall we say.
- Slowness. Sexy men, in many ways, are powerful men, and powerful men move slow. And not just in walking speed – in everything. Spend time slowing down your movements and you will come across as far more self-possessed and sexually appealing.
- Facial hair. This one is going to differ on your face and body type and age. Generally speaking, if you’re under 30 you probably ought to have facial hair; it makes you look older, and women tend to go for men older than them. Older men can consider going sans facial hair as they may wish to look younger. Note though that facial hair gives a man a degree of edginess, when done right, that the boyish cleanshaven man struggles to replicate from looks alone.
- Voice. Voice is huge. It’s one of your primary tools for attraction, and it’s something you ought to spend a healthy chunk of time working on. You’ll again want to turn to movies for inspiration; going after a newscaster’s voice or a radio show or television show personality’s voice (unless that personality plays the role of the sexual, dangerous man) is not going to get you the kind of results that developing the voice of a sexy, powerful man in cinema. When your voice is good enough, women will turn around to see who’s speaking simply at the sound of it, and they’ll melt when they’re in a conversation with you.
- Conversation that’s focused on the woman. Your skill as a conversationalistis important to your sexiness primarily because you will use it to disarm women’s reservations and allow them to feel more comfortable around you. Your conversation should focus primarily on the woman, and you should be both impressive and interesting, but also humble, in your discussions about yourself – and keep them brief, and turn things back to the girl again. The impressiveness intrigues, the humbleness disarms. This is a skill, but you want to drop something intriguing about yourself, disarm it with humbleness to make yourself accessible and attainable, then move on and return the focus to her.
- Easy confidence. Moving women around and having them do as you like is vitally important to coming across as strong and sexual. Get used to demanding investment from women in an inviting, non-confrontational tone of voice. Get used to laughing off women’s emotional swings, and staying stable and calm and relaxed and content whether they’re cold, moody, or excited. You’ll find typically that women will often lose interest fast in men who reflect their emotions back (and get cold, or moody, or excited themselves), and rather get increasingly interested in and excited by men who stay warm and stable and content regardless the emotion the woman shows.
- Recognizing and responding to signals. In “How Women Show Interest” we discussed the real signals women will give a man that they are interested in him. It’s important to work on your ability not just recognizing these signals, but responding to them, sometimes with subtlety, sometimes with bold action. For signals that aren’t strong, “Take action now!” signals, but rather signs of building interest, you’ll simply want to smile a little more broadly and mischievously just to show her you got it. For signals that demand you take action, though, you must take action. Experience is the best teacher, and most guys are either too timid or too bold when they start trying to do this consistently, but err on the side of boldness if you have to choose as you’ll learn your calibration here much more quickly that way.
- Closing things out. Part of the reason that responding to signals is so important to being sexy is that it shows women that you are a man who will not leave them wanting. Remember that women tend to meet many men who don’t pick up on their signals, don’t move things forward aggressively and boldly, and often leave them disappointed and unsatisfied at the end of an otherwise good conversation, meeting, or date. Responding to signals shows women you aren’t going to be like one of those men; actually closing things out with women completes the circle and gives the woman the satisfaction she’s looking for. That means you must be moving to get results as quickly as possible, not leaving women hanging, and trying to get girls alone with you as fast as possible. Women will respect you for it – far more than they respect the slower, more careful men who take fewer risks and get fewer rewards.
There are other things involved, of course, but those are the major factors. If you get these aspects handled, you’ll be an incredibly attractive, sexy man whom women will respond to with warmth and desire and will often take it upon themselves to pursue. Chase framing is another one that helps, but you won’t use it with every girl, and women need varying levels of it – some love it and it’s quite useful with, others it’s too much for and you need to keep it toned down with (typically, the women who view you as much higher in value than themselves).
One of the main things that sexiness does for you is it disarms women in a sexual way. Many men are cold, or aloof, or intimidating, and women stay reserved around them and closed off and these men fail with women (then become frustrated and get even more cold, aloof, or intimidating). Other men recognize the necessity to put women at ease around themselves, but go too far and remove intrigue and challenge, coming off as too nice and too friendly; these guys get women disarmed, but in a nonsexual way, and they get banished to the friend zone.
Training Yourself to be Sexy
One cool thing that is the case for sexiness but little else in the social and seductive arts is that many aspects of sexiness can be worked on in your own by yourself. You can watch films with sexy men and practice your facial expressions and voice tone; you can perfect your posture and slowness of movement; you can get your fashion handled and get your walk down.
You will of course need to actually implement all these things in real life with the people you meet and the people you already know so they become your new default traits and characteristics; for instance, as you refine your voice, you need to begin speaking in that slightly different voice around friend and family and strangers until you get comfortable with it and learn to speak that way all the time. Most people won’t notice differences in your speech – even many that you might assume are quite noticeable – and they quickly forget how you “used to” speak. My voice these days is vastly different from how it used to be, but if I try telling that to friends or family who know me now compared to who knew me back then, their reaction is always, “Really? You sound the same to me!” I actually made a recording with my old voice and my current voice some time back just so I could show disbelieving loved ones the difference.
There are other things you simply can’t work on without being out there meeting new women; your prowess as a conversationalist, your skill recognizing signals from women and how they show interest, and your ability to move things forward quickly and seamlessly must be learned in real life with real women. I suppose you could practice drills for some of that stuff if you have friends who are learning with you, but for practical purposes you’re going to need to be meeting lots of new women.
So, you’ll have to get out there and start refining these traits with real live women, if you aren’t already. You can consider it practice if that helps; you’re building a skill (a whole host of skills, really). The neat thing is that sexiness carries over into other aspects of your life; the same qualities that make a man sexy to women also make him charismatic and engaging to other men. Your friendships and relationships will benefit as you improve the aspects of yourself that lead to sexiness.
Best of all, of course, as you train yourself up and learn how to be a sexy man, you’ll get better and better results with the opposite sex. It can be a little challenging to learn sexiness since not everything you’ll get immediate feedback on; it’s well worth your time, though. I suggest beginning immediately, with the very next woman you meet. You might just find she acts a little warmer, laughs a little softer, and looks at you a little more desirously for it.