Your and Her Expectations in Dating and Seduction
Note from Chase: Richard is one of our more active members right now on the Girls Chase discussion boards. He recently put a post up on expectations that was quite good, and a number of other members of the boards suggested he submit this to the article side of the site - and I agreed. If you like Richard's writing and would like to see more from him, please let us know in the comment section below.
I give you Richard.
Men new to seduction will frequently fall short of their expectations of what is to come, at first anyway. Chase touched on this concept in his article on lowering your standards. Now, aspiring ladies' men often create, or set very high, expectations for themselves early. Goals like "nail a perfect 10 early on", or "only approach perfect women" (or seemingly perfect, anyway). Most guys hear about the prospects of pick up, hear about the glory, the stories, the seduction of pick up, and hear about how it easy it can be, and immediately set high expectations.
Rather than propel them to the
vaunted halls of legendary success in their dating lives, though, these
early unrealistic standards can hem in and hobble them.
I fell to this tendency and could not have even begun to have told you about how crippling this truly is until today, now that I’ve moved past it and understand the inner workings of this twisted phenomenon, but that’ll come later.
When you set high expectations for yourself early on without having the proper skill to acquire them, as you start to fall short of your goals, depression sets in, and, oftentimes, you start to work on approaching girls and working to improve with women less and less, and may even quit altogether... like a couple of people I know have.
The remedy for this though, is to step-stone your way up to your expectations. Create smaller goals for yourself, and work your way up that ladder. If you want to nail a 10! Start with 5s, then 6s, then 7s, and so and so forth.
The Expectation of the Close
Another crippling expectation that newer men have, or even intermediate seducers have, is the expectation of the close. To provide a little clarity, I’m speaking of the expectation of having sex soon, or pulling a number (for newer seducers), and this creates “outcome dependency.” Chase talked about the good side of this in his article on outcome independence.
The key here is this: logically speaking, when you focus on the end of anything, you’re focusing less on the beginning and middle.
By focusing on the sex, you have the potential to miss out on perfecting your opening (the beginning) and on perfecting solid banter and deep diving (the middle), and without those two, the chance of sex or even a relationship dwindles and falters.
When a man falls to outcome dependency, the stock that he is made of, whether that be him being a “sexy man”, or a “dominant man”, or any number of the personas you can be or adopt, is taken away in one fell swoop. Who wants that? NOBODY, that’s who!
It isn’t just the greenhorns this happens to, though; this mental malady can inflict itself upon intermediate seducers as well. Testosterone levels influence a man’s confidence, and often times, overconfidence can undergo a metamorphosis and turn into cockiness.
However, most people aren’t aware of their cockiness, or overbearing confidence, but, while this attitude can be well deserved, it can also be harmful. Because, as you start to bed more and more women, you understand that you can bed women, and may even feel entitled to sex... and again can become outcome dependent because you feel like you deserve sex, and fail to remember that your presentation is what makes the seduction possible.
Believing you’re entitled to women (rather than that you must earn their affections) is a mindset that departs you as you gain in experience and familiarity with the oftentimes fickle nature of women’s affections, but entitlement still affects intermediate men and you will sometimes catch them thinking they’re owed this or that or the other despite knowing logically that they aren’t actually “owed” anything.
All men instill an implicit expectation in women, about who those men are and what those women can expect from them, and it’s best to be a straight shooter, and be honest with women from jump street.
Take two scenarios:
Guy A: This man approaches a woman, utilizes heavy eye contact flirting. He doesn’t say much, but everything he says is important, or sexy. He doesn’t talk about family, or love. Instead, he expresses his views that women are sexual creatures, and that he has no judgment about sexual women, and instead emphasizes sexual freedom. This girl really starts to tune in to his sexual vibe, embraces his words, and he gets a phone number from her.
Guy B: This man approaches that same woman, talks to her about her future, what her goals in life are and connects with her, while staying anyway from anything sexually suggestive or that might suggest he views her as a sexual creature. This woman starts to “know” that this man “understands” her, relates to her, and is a “good guy”, and after he pulls her number, she feels special, and she feels good about the prospect of herself and him.
Question time. What do these women want out of Guy A, and Guy B?
Hopefully you got that, the woman
probably expects sex out of Guy A, and may well want a
relationship/love out of Guy B. Now,
what happens when these two men act out of sync with the expectations
they have created?
The woman auto-rejects almost every time.
If Guy A takes the girl out for a dinner, invites her to his place afterwards, and they only watch a movie without having sex at all, she’ll either auto-reject him, or will hesitate on accepting his future advances, or future dates/plans because he failed to meet the expectations he set. This girl wanted sex, and he didn’t provide.
If Guy B takes the girl out for the same dinner, invites her over to his place afterwards, and immediately makes the move and pushes for sex, she’ll auto-reject because he too, is acting out of sync with the expectations he created in her. This one is not always certain though, and is only a potential problem that I have seen before.
Because of this, you must think about the expectations you give off to women. When you meet a woman and talk to her, when you close, what does she expect out of you?
Does she expect sex, or a relationship, does she expect you to be dominant, to be a “nice guy”, to be sexy?
For the sake of shortening this article, I’ll discuss the next problem immediately.
Same scenarios with guys A and B as described above.
Guy A: Takes the girl out for the same dinner, they have a fantastic conversation about the sexual night ahead! The girl clearly wants this man to satisfy her sexual desires, she wants to be dominated by him! They get back to his place, the guy makes his move a little late, she’s losing her sexual desire. They kiss, make out, fondle one another, they proceed further, and for whatever reason, things come to a halt when the guy stops at foreplay.
What do you think the girl will do with this guy in the future?
Guy B: Takes the girl out for the same dinner, they enjoy each other’s company, discuss the future, their goals, their respective views on life. However, this guy throws in sexual frames, and she doesn’t bite on them. Dinner finishes and they go for a walk, he tries to kiss her, fondle her, and she literally pushes him away, and says “No!”
What do you think the girl will do with this guy in the future?
You guessed it, these men will be rejected, and their future advances will be rejected, because these men failed to live up to the expectations they set for these women.
The potential pitfall here is overestimation. Newer men dabbling in pick up have the tendency to pump themselves up to women instead of be humble. They utilize explicit value instead of implicit. They talk about their sexual endeavors to women who want sex, they talk about their dreams and aspirations to women who want a boyfriend. While in reality, they may not be able to live up to those facades, and even if they can, the truth is bound to come out sooner or later.
I hadn’t ever thought of this until a college class in social psychology. My professor introduced the concept briefly; then I did more research and am now writing about it.
The biggest snare involving expectation in a relationship is: (drum roll please!)
The Potential Expectation…
Ever hear a man say, “She has great potential,” or, “I see a lot of potential in her,” or anything similar? Chances are you have… and how do those relationships turn out most of the time? In ashes… Men, and women for that matter, use this to validate their choice in a partner, or validate the regrettable decision to settle on their partner.
Couples who focus on the “potential” are not a healthy couple, because they are together with the hope and expectation of change; they get together with the intent to change one another.
Healthy couples, on the other hand, end up together for “what is,”
“what could be.” I’m sure we’ve all been victims of this, if you think
Inevitably, people will validate their choices with this thought (or rather, this illusion). A man will persist with the idea that “change” is around the corner, that his partner is on the verge of becoming what he wants; that if only he waits out the change, he’ll be happy. In reality, how likely is it that his partner, or he himself, will change? Not very likely, and, if one or the other does change, it’s proof of settlement.
The Pros of Expectation
Up until this point, I really wanted to drive home the issues with expectation, simply to make you aware of the potential for harm it has. Now, I’ll be talking about the positive potential expectation offers to us as a tool.
First things first: how many people have heard that the key to happiness is low expectations? That you should not expect a lot so that when something good doesn’t happen it won’t affect you, and that, when something good does happen it will be pleasant? Great theory, but, Tali Sharot, a neuroscientist, disproved this theory in her lab, and I’ll be sharing both her findings, and the information from that social psych class.
This theory of lowered expectations leading to higher happiness is wrong for 3 reasons, according to Sharot. Those reasons are:
No matter the circumstance or outcome, people with high expectations always feel best because of interpretation. Meaning how you interpret an event, and this is also where self-esteem comes into play. People with high self-esteem who experience success will attribute it to their internal qualities, and when they fail they attribute it to external stimuli and will do better next time. People with low self-esteem do the exact opposite.
Expectation and anticipation influence happiness. Behavioral economist George Loewenstein conducted an experiment that suggests this notion, and if you are interested, you can find Loewenstein’s research all over the web. Brain scans have shown that the act of expecting or anticipating arouses areas of the brain that dictate happiness. Think about this for a moment: rank your top 3 favorite days of the week? My guess is that most rank their order as follows: Saturday, Friday, then Sunday… Am I right? Why would Friday, a day of work, supersede Sunday, a day of play? The answer to this is anticipation/expectation. On Friday you only foresee the days of play ahead, while on Sunday, you only foresee the days of work ahead.
Expectation influences you to try harder. Expectations can act as a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts, which is a prediction or belief that causes itself to become true. This point is open to a little discussion because of the variables that come with social factors, but, nevertheless, this point is true to a varied number of degrees. If, you believe that you can pull a woman, or close her, or bed her, you’ll wok harder to do so, and theoretically increase your percentage rate of success.
Explanation and Summation
After a long and hopefully informational read, we’re just about ready to wrap up. Now, it’s time to explain why these things can, and probably will, happen. For this, you need to understand the “social comparison” theory, which indicates that people have a tendency to compare themselves with other people. With this in mind, people often overestimate their own true ability to do something, and will set a rational goal that coincides with their perceived overestimation.
Men, because of this, will often think they are better with women than they actually might be, and will feel that it is perfectly accomplishable to set a goal to nail a perfect 10 right away (with little ability with women yet developed). Now, some men are natural seducers and probably can do this, because special cases abound everywhere, and you may be a special case.
All I’m asking, is that you logically think about the goals that you have set for yourself. I’m not suggesting you throw away your dream, because you should dream big, aim as high as you can - you know of the positives of expectation now. I’m asking, rather, that you think about your “plan” to achieve that dream. Does it need revision; do you need to add more baby steps; what is your plan; and can it honestly work? That is what I hope you take away from this article.
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