Why Women Love BDSM


Drexel recently wrote a very choice article titled “Creating an Environment for Bondage and Sexperimentation”, and I wanted to continue to expand on this theme and really examine why women actually love BDSM to the extent that they do.

If you’re at all unfamiliar with the term, BDSM is an abbreviation for three distinct sex-related word pairs: bondage and discipline (BD), dominance and submission (DS), and sadism and masochism (SM). Sounds like quite a handful, pretty far outside the ordinary, doesn’t it? But it isn’t so extraordinary as you might think.

BDSM

Don’t believe that each and every woman in your life hasn’t fantasized about some form of BDSM at least once in her life? Just go ahead and ask all the women you know well. I’m sure you’d be surprised at the result. So let’s look at the motivations and hidden desires that lead to women fantasizing about BDSM.


Good Girls Gone Bad

A couple of years ago a little no-name book came out that you may or may not have heard of. But the book is important to the topic of this discussion. It was called Fifty Shades of Grey. Just about every woman and her mother (and I’m not speaking metaphorically) has read this book. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of perusing its pages, basically it’s about a man who can only get sexual satisfaction from dominating and inflicting pain on the women in his life. This man then meets a reserved woman who gets indoctrinated into his world because of her strong desire for him. Though, she spends most of book telling herself that she can change him (classic).

However, she gets pulled farther and farther into his world and he more or less converts her from a good girl to a bad one. This led me to an interesting observation about women.

There is an underlying cultural narrative that praises the “Good Girl Gone Bad”. Even though pundits try to bombastically criticize these women, the increased fame, success, and envy from society (and other women) is undeniable. Think about Miley Cyrus, who charmed her way into the hearts of Americans everywhere when she played the role of Hannah Montana, confidently stating that she would never do drugs or get drunk. And…well…here we are.

Think about her predecessor Britney Spears. Think about Rihanna, who used to write songs like this:


And now she is the archetypal Good Girl Gone Bad. Not only did she proclaim her love for S&M in a song dedicated to the practice, she even titled her album – and has made her own identity – Good Girl Gone Bad. And she, along with her bad girl comrades, has risen to meteoric popularity. No matter which way you slice it, society loves its good girls who have stepped over to the wild side.


Hidden Desire

If you’ve read a few of my articles, you’ve probably heard me mention that many of my more serious relationships have come with very conservative, very religious girls. These girls were very respectable, and all made it clear that they wanted to take things slow. But as soon as I had sex with them, a switch flipped. I’m pretty dominant with women in general, but, all of a sudden, they couldn’t get enough. A girl who was barely comfortable with us escalating to sex was suddenly begging for me to handcuff her, and tie her up, and slap her around.

And this wasn’t one of them… this was all of them. Even the one very conservative girl I never had sex (but did everything else) with told me how much she loved it when I threw her on tables and shoved her against walls and physically restrained her.

And, as I do with most of my encounters with women, I asked: how could this be?

  • How could the most conservative girls be the most wild?
  • Shouldn’t it be the opposite?
  • Haven’t they learned to control their desires?

The answer: absolutely not. It’s the exact opposite.

Let’s take the example of a child who has had really strict parents their entire life. For the entirety of their existence, their parents have refused them the privilege of eating candy. Not only have they refused the candy privilege, they never actually explain why they do so, always citing that they know best.

Now let’s say the child grows up and finds him or herself at a carnival with candy stands everywhere? Well, at first there would be some marked hesitation. They would probably inch up to one of the stands slowly, and be a little nervous about purchasing their piece of candy. Once in hand, they would think about all of the times their parents had refused them a sweet treat.

Then, with a bit of reticence, they would take the leap and pop the sweet morsel in their mouth. And then their world would change. Dopamine and endorphins would come coursing through their veins. They would be hooked. And they would wonder what crazy person would try to prevent them from having such an incredible release. And they would seek it – again, and again, and again – gorging more and more each time to satisfy an insatiable desire and make up for lost time.

BDSMAnd this is exactly how it feels for a woman who has been told to bottle up her sexuality. Very conservative girls are on the extreme end because they’ve been told to abstain from pretty much all sexual activity until marriage without a true legitimate reason as to why. Additionally, if you’re in the United States, since the U.S. developed out of a Puritan society, pretty much all women are told to keep their sexuality under wraps. This ideal is what has created the Madonna/whore complex.

But the reality is that women are neither Madonnas nor whores – neither pristine angels nor sex-crazed lunatics (minus the outliers). They are just human beings. They are biological creatures who have strong sexual desires just like their male counterparts. But they have more to lose in the mating game because they have to sacrifice their bodies to bear offspring.

They are also the weaker, more submissive gender – and that’s how they want to be treated (equals) from a sexual standpoint. As a man, if you fantasize about having sex with a woman, I bet you fantasize about grabbing her, passionately dominating her, and rocking her world. Well… women have fantasies too… about being on the receiving end of that scenario. Unfortunately for them, with the structure of our society and gender relations in the West, men are told to be milder and milder. They are told to bottle up that masculine presence.

But women want the exact opposite.

  • They want to be dominated, even if they put on their Madonna face for society.
  • They love sex, and they love it rough.
  • And they want a man who they don’t have to tell that to. A man who “just knows”.

However, most women can’t find strong, sexy men to give them the amazing sex that they crave. So alas… they settle for living vicariously through the lucky characters in erotica novels, and their latest dominance drug... the Fifty Shades series.

Many thoughts about the Fifty Shades series have been expressed by various psychologists and psychiatrists, such as Reef Karim, author of Why Does He Do That? Why Does She Do That? Karim has explained in various interviews why women are absolutely obsessed with this series, even when some of these women are dysfunctional or depressed:

In regards to sexual research, many women fantasize about submission, and many men fantasize about dominance. Even though men and women are more equal than ever in regards to occupation and finances, we are still very different sexes, and definitive gender and role-based fantasies do exist. Many people in our society have hidden (or not so hidden) fantasies involving kink, S&M, or altered sexual behavior. 50 Shades of Grey has opened up the conversation of previously hidden sexual desires and fantasies of many women.

Karim is arguing that women want equality in social roles, but don’t want it in sex. This is an entirely true idea, but disregarded by most men. Most men believe that when women say they want “nice guys” and equality that what they’re saying is that they want weak men who will handle them with kid gloves and not do anything ambitious in the bedroom.

But ah, believe it or not, most guys don’t know what they’re talking about. But as I always disclaim: they can’t be blamed. Men are rational creatures who take a woman’s word at face value. But women don’t speak at face value. They speak with subtext.


It’s Good to be Bad

Women – and people in general – love being naughty. That’s why women love public sex. There’s just something additionally exciting about engaging in practices that society considers taboo. They put on an innocent face, but in the bedroom:

  • They want to be thrown around
  • They want to be slammed against walls
  • Some want to be tied up
  • Some want to be yelled at
  • Some want be whipped/chained

Basically, they want to be manhandled. But only a true “man” can handle a woman.

Some researchers have even argued that people who engage in BDSM are mentally healthier, asserting that these individuals are “less neurotic, more open, more aware of and sensitive to rejection, more secure in their relationships and have better overall well-being.”

So, who knows, maybe getting a little kinky could be the best thing for your relationship.


BDSM Comes in Different Forms

BDSMIf you want to try BDSM with your girl, make sure you communicate. Not all BDSM is created equal. Some women just like to be tied up with some light spanking.

Others like to be yelled at as you inflict pain on them with whips and chains while wearing a gas mask (not really my cup of tea, but whatever floats your boat).

So make sure to ease her into the practice if you want to take your and her sexual experience to the next level. Also, easing into it will help you handle the shift as well. It can honestly be shocking to unleash the sexual beast inside of a girl. You take what you thought was an innocent girl and suddenly she’s turned into an insatiable animal, and there’s definitely a bit of cognitive dissonance there.

So find out what she likes (and what you like) and make some of her fantasies a reality.


Amp Up Your Sex: Relearn How to Be a Man

If you want to be the dominant master of the bedroom that your woman wants you to be, you must first reprogram your mind. My friend, you have years and years of social conditioning that has led you astray. And though I can’t reverse it with one article, maybe this will be a catalyst for reclaiming that fierce manhood that everyone tells us we should throw by the wayside.

Mark Twain once said, “Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” This quote applies not only in your dealings with women, but to life in general.

I often like to talk about the idea of social narratives. A social narrative is basically the “life story” that society tells you should be living in order to be happy and successful. In the case of your career, society tells you:

Go to primary school → Go to middle school → Go to high school → Go to college → Get a job → Get married → Have a family → Get a mortgage → Retire 30 years later → Die

And that’s what the social narrative says will make you happy. But that’s not what makes you happy. That’s what benefits society. A society will collapse if it doesn’t have a steady supply of orderly, obedient workers to keep the cogs of the wheel turning. And that’s not to say that being a contributor to the greater good isn’t respectable – it most certainly is – but it is to say that the system wants to crush your spirit so that you never dissent.

The only way to actualize yourself is to live an unconventional life – with work and with women. Tell me, what man who has ever accomplished anything great worked for Wal-Mart for 35 years? What man who called himself truly happy has done so? Exactly.

And with women, society tells you to do this:

Somehow run into a cute girl without actually approaching her → Be a nice guy and politely compliment her → Open doors for her and never say anything offensive → Constantly worry about whether or not she thinks you’re creepy → Agree with everything she says → Ask her for her phone number → Wait patiently for weeks while she flakes on you to sleep with other men → Go on a date with her → Pay for the date → Get a kiss on the cheek at the end → Wait 9-12 more weeks → Go on two more dates with her → Have sex (?) → Have her drop you by saying “I’m just not dating right now” and continue to sleep with the man who treats her like a piece of meat.

No wonder there are legions of disappointed men out there. But this is how society creates an environment in which men are further taught to be obedient. They put women on a pedestal and wait patiently while a woman extracts every bit of their resources and gives them little in return. And then when the woman is done sleeping with as many men as she finds convenient, she can come back to the stable nice guy, marry him, and be secure in the fact that he will always take care of her. And the man faithfully works to grant her every wish, while she secretly desires other men.

I don’t know about you, but no thank you for me – I will most certainly pass. Though it’s not always easy, I will gladly take the contrarian path, learn while expanding myself, create something meaningful, and be happy while I beat the system.

My life trajectory has gone something like this thus far:

Go to high school → Travel to 17 countries → Learn Japanese → Go to college → Discover game in college → Dance professionally → Reject an offer to go to grad school → Travel to 30 more countries → Live in Thailand → Write → Learn to work while I’m travelling → Write → Approach hundreds of women → Get rejected by most of them → Escalate with the rest → Sleep with some of those → Write → Learn some Thai → Start a business → Get robbed for a large sum of money → Put my head down and start over → Start a second business → Write some more → Sleep with more women → Travel and work on philanthropy whenever I want to → Live with more and more freedom → ?

Who knows what will come next. But the point is that you will never be a truly dominant man in any area of your life until you accept that you have to tune out the social narrative and make a life for yourself.

And then… when you get a girl in the bedroom… she’ll never be the same again.


Wrapping Up

Most women describe the Fifty Shades series as “extremely hot” – a must read for all females. It gets into the dynamics of female desire, and lets them get lost in a world of wild, dominant sex and the ultimate, fantasy-level fulfillment. And most women will continue to read these books… dreaming… and wondering what their life would be like if such an experience could happen to them for but a day.

Now the question is… are you going to let them only dream?

Carpe diem,

Colt

Related Articles from GirlsChase.com

Comments

Marty's picture

Top-quality output just keeps coming!


Fascinating, especially the part about the life stories.

I may not be the best judge, but it strikes me that the intellect of Girls Chase authors is of a caliber you'd normally only find among the rising stars of i-banks, top strategic consultancies, law practices, university hospitals and the like. (Lucky for us they have chosen to follow a less conventional path!)

The holistic understanding expressed here of the connections between the fundamental seduction principles conceived by Chase and trends in society and culture as a whole show a level of insight and maturity that is quite astonishing to me.

TheWiseFool's picture

Admirable


I always enjoy your posts Colt. You're about a year or two older than me but you've done a majority of the things that I'd expect myself to begin doing ~10 years from now. I'm always left in admiration at how your life has worked out.

Thanks again for the article!
- TWF

TR's picture

Reverse Dominance/Submission


Something I've heard about is how a subset of rich successful men would pay a dominatrix to dominate THEM.

I've been with some very sexually aggressive women, and despite being very dominant and confident in general, they absolutely loved being dominated in bed. But what if I encouraged such a girl to dominate me?

Would it be detrimental precedence in a relationship to encourage a girlfriend into assuming a more dominant role in the bedroom? I'm not very experienced with this and think it could be pretty hot, though I wouldn't like any girl to start being more dominant in the overall relationship because of some role-play action.

Tarnished's picture

BDSM Switches


@Reverse D/S

What you're referring to is being a switch/asking your partner to be a switch. In other words, someone who enjoys being dominated and dominant in equal measure...or is at least wanting to switch it up from time to time.

I can honestly say that there's no way to know if your partner is comfortable with taking a dominant role unless you ask them. But as for your question of "is it okay for me to want this", yes. Yes, it's perfectly fine. My own lover asks for it sometimes (normally I'm the sub), and I'd never deny him this part of his sexuality, just as I wouldn't give up other aspects of sex like using toys, or "making love", or giving each other erotic massage.

The thing to remember about bdsm is that it's one expression of human sexuality. Think of it like using chili pepper in your kitchen. Sure, dishes like tacos, spaghetti, and certain soups can be improved by adding this delightful spice...but you still wouldn't want it in your stroganoff or cheerios. Such it is with bdsm...it's a game to play during sex with it's own rules and improvements, but having it all the time gets boring, especially if it's done the same way in each scene. Some days I like to be whipped and tied to the bed...some nights my lover wants to be told not to make a sound while I spank him and slide a tiny vibrator in his ass...and then other times we just want to slowly, gently have vanilla sex.

I personally get off on being a Sub because of how powerful and safe it is. A good Dom communicates openly and honestly with their Sub, expects to be told the safeword if anything he/she does goes too far, and trusts the Sub to not allow themselves to be pushed too far beyond their limits. Being a Sub explicitly means *you* are the final say in what happens...I like that power, as does my lover when we switch roles. It's pretty intoxicating. And of course, it's all about consent...safely pushing boundaries...being honest and upfront with your partner about your limits...and having fun with the concepts of D/S in a sexual game that ends when the scene is over. (Neither of us are ones for gender roles, so our relationship is very egalitarian. We've been FwB for 7+ years, so it must be working.)

I recently wrote about bdsm on my own blog. Maybe it can help:
https://tarnishedsophia.wordpress.com/2014/05/20/my-views-on-bdsm/

Anonymous's picture

To a point.


As a bisexual male, I agree.

I was surprised when I started actively seeking partners to find a lot of people enjoy being submissive (both male and female). I find it a release of responsibility. Many people are terrified of it. It's less work to follow instruction rather than make seemingly difficult decisions. Unless you're equipped with the skills to deal with resistance. If that's the word I'm looking for?

In response to the previous poster. There are those who are burdened with a life of responsibility at work or otherwise. There is nothing better than getting home and not having to worry about a thing - it's escapism.

I agree with Girlschase, there is a severe lack of dominant males. Just as there are dominant females. While I've encountered both, the latter have been bisexuals or lesbians (I could talk about that all day). Those I've met resulted in very passionate power struggles. However, these wouldn't result in an on-going relationship unless someone submits (think, two dominant males). I think there's an article on relationship dynamics somewhere.

Something I found interesting was self-confessed feminists I slept with were also very submissive. I won't go into detail on that topic either.

I know this isn't what Colt is saying, but I hope everyone remembers these are fantasies. Some people don't want 'rough' or 'dominant' all the time. Besides, it's nice to mix it up with some slow intimacy. I also caution that BDSM relationships require a high degree of trust. It forms an emotional bond that can be difficult to part. Be respectful of limitations and please be discreet.

Ultimately, have fun.

Limp's picture

projection?


Just had a thought. I know in psychology there is this little thing called projection, whereby a person misattributes/misplaces their own thoughts and feelings onto someone else.

Do you think women's desire to tame the bad boy, is actually truly a desire to be tamed by the bad boy and is just an example of projection?

Survival's picture

I love this post ....somehow


I love this post ....somehow its about me ..... Im survival in this stupid culture and traditions fighting everyday to get rid of them.... Because nobody can understand my desires....n m fed up ..... I feel lyk running away and fulfilling my fantasies

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd>
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
  • HTML tags will be transformed to conform to HTML standards.
  • You may insert videos with [video:URL]

More information about formatting options

Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.