I made a terrible mistake once, a long time ago.
I told a girl I loved her before we'd ever kissed, been on a date, or slept together.
I was young, passionate, full of powerful, swirling emotions, and hormones that raged like a fiery dervish. I felt it was a smart move; she'd flirted with me for a long time, had even asked me out long before (I'd been too scared to say "yes"). She had to know, I decided. So, I told her. I told her I loved her.
And I never heard from her again.
Ha, whoops, I thought the next day. That was a mistake.
But, you live and learn. It ended up playing a part in finally motivating me to get my act together and start fixing things in my life with women.
I share this because I had a reader write in to share his story and ask for my take: he's young, like I was; he'd been calling and texting back and forth with a girl like crazy, and they'd shared a few dances. He'd asked her on a date, she'd been coy.
Finally, emotions welling up inside of him, he could no longer keep them pent up inside; and, like the me of yesteryear, he simply had to tell her how he felt.
"You don't see it, do you?" he texted her. "I'm in love with you."
And like me, he got no response. After that, things got weird between the two of them, and they very likely will be forever.
That's no black mark on his record, really. Me, my best friends, some of the biggest playboys I've ever met have all done this same thing. You learn from it, you move on. And what you take away from it is this: telling a woman you love her too early is one of the biggest no-nos in the book.
It's a veritable death blow to attraction early on.
Why's this? Well, as it turns out, it's one of a cluster of things men do that can be classified as turn offs for women.
We'll look at a bunch more below.
Things That Are Turn Offs for Women
For those skimming, I'll list these out first, then dive into the explanation below:
- Getting too emotional too fast
- Getting too emotional anytime (most of the time)
- Committing too soon
- Neediness or begging/pleading
- Supplication or kissing up; trying too hard
- Forgetting or fearing to move fast
- Not being a challenge
- Being too much of a challenge
- Failing to get to know her
And, actually, before diving into the explanation, let's do a little turnabout. It isn't 100% foolproof, but a fairly reliable metric for figuring out if something is a good idea or not with women is if you'd like it or not if a girl did it to you.
So, that metric in mind, I'll ask -- would you like it if a girl:
- Fell really in love with you before you even liked her all that much?
- Got really emotional all the time around you (good and bad emotions)?
- Committed to you really fast (maybe even before you were all that serious)?
- Was needy with you, or begged or pleaded you to go out with her?
- Tried to buy you things, compliment you, or kiss up to you?
- Was no challenge to get at all and really easy?
- Was largely impossible to seemingly ever make headway with?
- Argued with you?
- Didn't bother to get to know you?
I left "failed to move fast" off this list because, well, unlike women, men tend to assess partners who move slower as more "relationship-worthy" most of the time. This changes as you reach the upper echelon of seduction skills, when you start finding yourself able to bed even very conservative girls fast (like, first night / first date fast). Suddenly, meet-to-bed time doesn't seem as important in assessing a woman's relationship worthiness. But for most guys it's an exception.
Back to turn offs for women and what not to do with girls.
Let me note that that list above is by no means comprehensive. It's just the top actions, behaviors, and categories of actions and behaviors that men do that drive women away. There are a million more turn offs out there men are guilty of (other than obvious things like table manners, or not wearing a shirt); heck, every reader of this post can probably list one below in the comments section.
If you notice one thing in common across all of those turn offs, it's this:
They all display either oversensitivity, or under-sensitivity.
The guy who's too emotional -- like the reader who wrote in was, and like I was some time ago -- as well as the guy who commits too soon, or begs and pleads, or supplicates, or fears moving too fast might lose him a girl, or isn't a challenge because he fears pushing her away -- he's oversensitive. He's fearing too much what she might think, and he's fearing losing her too much.
The guy who's too challenging, the guy who argues with a girl, the guy who fails to get to know her -- he, on the other hand, is under-sensitive. He doesn't bother to make a girl feel comfortable around him or at ease. He just plows on mindlessly with little regard thrown to the girl.
As always here on this blog, we return to that common theme: you must walk the middle path. Success does not lie on the extremes; it lays in the carefully calibrated equilibrium of art and skill that study, effort, and experience engenders in the seducer.
Stop Turning Women Off -- Turn Them On, Instead
So, that middle path -- sounds wonderful and all, right, but how do you start walking it when you haven't reached that level of experience yet?
Actually, there's a shortcut. It won't get you all the way there, but it'll get you close enough that you can start seeing some fast changes and get yourself out of the habit of making mistakes that turn women off.
Here's that shortcut:
- Be a man who reveals little, while also
- Being a man who gets women to share much.
Adopting that mindset -- that way of looking at the world -- whatever you want to call it -- goes leaps and bounds towards fixing a lot of those things that are turn offs for women.
If you are a man who reveals little, you don't go espousing feelings like crazy. You don't commit too soon. You don't show neediness. You don't try too hard. You don't show hesitancy by moving slow and playing it safe.
If you are a man who gets women to share, you don't spend all your time busting on them too much. You don't argue with them. And you don't fail to get to know them.
Those are two different things to train yourself to do and be -- but you can.
Revealing little means that, at least at first, when your emotions are still strong, you must fight emotion and seek to be perceived as a rock. Women don't want a man they need to support emotionally -- they want a man who can support them. Who can make them feel soft, emotional, and feminine. They need a rock.
And even if you don't feel like a rock, by keeping quiet you can seem one. Eventually, with time and experience, your real self will catch up with the good self you seek to present yourself as.
Getting women to share means that, at least at first, especially early on if you are more interested in talking about yourself or getting to the point, you must fight impatience and let women connect to you. Eventually you'll realize it's great fun and quite enlightening getting to know women -- every girl is different.
We all mess up, and we all make mistakes. Every guy, it seems like, has a story like mine and the reader who wrote me: we have a girl we really liked, that we just plainly and simply blew it with by doing something that turned her off.
Knowing how to avoid turn offs will help, though. Maybe quite a bit.
When you feel your emotions getting a little out of hand -- or if perchance you start feeling like talking over some girl or cutting her off mid-story -- kick back and remember to reveal little while having her reveal much. Chicks dig guys like that.
Talk to you again real soon.