At the start of the new year, there was a thread on the boards with suggestions for new articles this year. Zac suggested one on the tendency of women to always have men in their lives... and that this should never be an obstacle for you when meeting new women.
It’s a curious thing for me to think about. This concept is one I spend zero thought cycles on myself, and it always strikes me as a little odd and funny when I see men talking about it now... mostly guys on the boards talking about their concerns about approaching: but what if she has a boyfriend?
Not just boyfriend, though; but what about that guy she’s talking to? Or, yeah, I see her by herself right now – but what if there’s someone else nearby? What if she has a lover and I don’t know it?
The fact is, EVERY woman you meet is going to have SOME guy in her life, in SOME capacity. There is some man who is important to her who is “limiting” her choices in men in some way.
The thing about approaching though is this: you’ve got to learn to disregard these men as abstractions and approach away, anyway.
Just because you don’t see him, doesn’t mean he isn’t there.
From the start of my seduction career, I made it a point to come across as completely open, accepting, and non-judgmental as I possibly could with girls. Especially after sleeping together. What I wanted was to learn as much about women’s true natures as I possibly could... because most of what I knew was from books and television shows, and I knew that every one of those carried the slant of the writer.
I quickly found out that human relationships are a very messy thing. What I expected going in as a novice was that the women I would meet and sleep with would be:
- Completely single, and
- All looking for relationships
My assumption was, if a woman sleeps with you, it’s either because she’s totally single and thinks you might make a good boyfriend, or because she’s totally single and you seem like you might make a good fling.
Instead, what I learned was that there are always men of moderate to significant importance in the life of every woman you meet.
Sometimes, women will tell you directly about these men, if you help them to feel comfortable enough.
Other times though, these men are invisible.
God, Father, Lover, Crush
Every woman you meet has a man influencing her, guiding her choices, and making her more inclined or less inclined to date and sleep with other men:
- Her boyfriend
- Her husband
- Her lover
- Her crush
- Her father
- Her brother
- Her god
This can be an alien thing to realize when you’re a man starting out. It may be the case that you have no woman in your life at all who is affecting your mating choices and activities. And, especially when we’re inexperienced in a thing, we tend to fill in all the blank holes of our (lack of) understanding of that thing by projection of our own selves... in this case, sexually and romantically inexperienced men usually assume that women are just like them.
When you are as I was starting out, and you have no women influencing your day-to-day life, and you don’t otherwise have a highly developed mental model of the opposite sex, you will find yourself assuming that girls are like you: totally single, uninfluenced by anyone else, every decision they make completely of their own volition without having to take into consideration any complicating variables.
But in fact, there’s probably not a woman on Earth who is uninfluenced by some at least moderately important relationship with a man in her life. There’s just no getting away from it.
It might be that there’s some guy from her school, work, or social circle that she’s crushing on in a major way, and dreaming about getting married to and having babies with (or just having him come scoop her up and give her a night of passionate, sheet-drenching love making).
It might be that she talks to her brother almost every day, or that she has lunch with her father every week and talks about life with him.
It might be that she’s a religious girl, and her relationship with her god is one of the most important relationships in her life.
You might find such things out, either on a date or after you first sleep with a girl, if you both make her comfortable and have a girl who likes to talk about herself openly and dislikes secrets.
With a great many women, however, you may well never know.
The men who are close to a woman have an assortment of different effects on her:
- They can alleviate some of her needs
- They can drive her to meet men like them
- They can drive her to meet men unlike them
A bit about each of these below.
He Takes Care of Her Needs
This is usually when a girl has one of the following:
- A very good friend or brother who provides emotional reassurance
- A boyfriend or a husband who provides relationship security
- A father or father figure who provides life direction
- A lover who provides sexual satisfaction
Generally speaking, the more of a woman’s needs that are already being satisfied by other men in her life, the less ajar the door into her life (or panties) typically is. Do keep in mind that women’s levels of need are all over the map, depending on their emotional state at the moment, and their emotional personality overall (secure and in control, or insecure and crazy/needy? Someone who needs lot of attention, or little? A girl with a low sex drive, or one that’s through the roof?).
One of the things you’ll run into among girls who have boyfriends or husbands but who are still open to sleeping with you (as opposed to girls who have these but are uninterested in taking a lover on the side on) is that they’re very often much easier to sleep with than single women. Why? Because they don’t have to worry about whether sleeping with you impacts their chance to get relationship security from you... they’re already getting that from their current partner. That makes the whole “should I sleep with him or not?” call an easier one to make.
Conversely, women who are in need of emotional reassurance and/or direction in life in addition to sexual satisfaction can be easier to sleep with if you’re capable of providing these things (that is, an emotional connection, and inspiration), though they’ll be clingy or needy after sex often times because you provide so much different value to their lives that they’re far more afraid of losing you than they would be had you only provided value to them in one of those ways.
In my opinion, when you’re looking for a girlfriend, you want one who is not in need of emotional reassurance because she’s emotionally solid herself and/or has a centered relationship with her family or close friends.
When you’re looking for a quick fling, on the other hand, her needing emotional reassurance can only help your cause, but you’ll have an easier time of things if she isn’t looking from relationship security from you – either because she’s already got it with someone else, or because you’ve taken yourself out of the running for the boyfriend role.
He Drives Her to Meet Men Like Him
It sometimes is the case that a woman has a father (or
father figure), brother, or close friend whom she holds in very high
esteem. If he’s her friend, she may also find him attractive, but they
aren’t together for whatever reason (could be that he’s in a committed
relationship; or, maybe both are shy and no one’s ever made a move).
As cited in the article on doing well when meeting a girlfriend’s family, the research on female sexual imprinting shows that women with positive relationships with their fathers growing up select men who look a lot like their fathers. Anecdotally, I’d add that women with strong relationships with their fathers also choose men who resemble their fathers personality-wise, too. A similar form of sexual imprinting seems to occur with other very close men she’s had positive relationships with.
The result of this is, if you
remind girls a lot of men they have good relationships, memories, or
experiences with, you’ll often get a sort of “free pass” with
them – they’re warmer to you, more receptive to you right away, will test
you less and comply with you more.
In this case, you benefit most from reminding a woman of the men
closest to her, and she will be more inclined to get to know you if you
remind her of the men she cares for.
He Drives Her to Meet Men Unlike Him
The opposite scenario is that a woman doesn’t like the men closest to her; she has love-hate relationships with them, or even just all “hate” ones. She ends up seeking a man who is the polar opposite of her father / brother / friend / partner. Most women who cheat on their boyfriends and husbands are seeking a man who is unlike their partner, because they are unhappy with him (though in the case of high sex drive / highly experienced women who are straying, it can be the case that the girl is perfectly happy with her man, but just needs a dash of novelty – in which case, she may cheat on her guy with a guy who reminds her a lot of her guy, because that’s her “type”).
Where this is the case, a woman will look for men who look nothing like the men close to her she has bad relationships with; she’ll look for different personality types, although she can have love-hate relationships with them, too... for instance, the girl who’s father was negligent and rogue-ish will seek out safe relationships with stable men, only to lose respect for these men and break up or cheat to find negligent, rogue-ish men, whom she dislikes but sleeps with anyway, only to leave in order to find a more secure man to pair up with once more.
When you meet women with troubled pasts with men, you’re usually best served by emulating the men these women have the most emotion with in your actions, while seeming like their opposites in your words. This normally means being an aloof asshole body-language and voice tone-wise, while saying lots of nice things.
You want to remind her subconscious of the man she has a deep and painful, but familiar, relationship with, while consciously striking her as someone totally and refreshingly different (obviously, women with troubled pasts you want to cross off the list as potential girlfriends – don’t go sacrificing yourself to save some damsel in distress).
Aside from the limited emulating of preferred character traits mentioned above that you can do after eliciting values from a girl about the men in her past, not that much.
You have no control over who the other men in the lives of women you haven’t even met yet are, or what sorts of relationships they have.
You have no way to know that that woman walking down the street has a father she’s close to, or a good male friend, or a supportive brother, or a boyfriend, or a husband, or some fellow she’s crushing on hard.
The only thing you can know is that every woman you meet has another man in her life.
Period. End of story. You won’t meet a blank slate... they aren’t out there.
If you’ve been using the “Yeah, but what if she has X male figure in her life?” as an excuse to not approach, you’ve got to drop it, because every woman around you has some kind of important male figure in her life.
Every girlfriend I’ve had had a close male friend, men she was going on dates with, or a family member she was close with when I first met her. Plenty of other girls I’ve slept with and didn’t get to know nearly as well as those I’ve had relationships I never the less heard about from them or found out about later having lovers, boyfriends, or husbands at the time we got together, as well as men who were chasing after them, guys they had crushes on, and the like.
Every woman has men in her life in some close capacity at all times. There just aren’t women that go live reclusive lives without important male figures in them just because. Even the strongest, most independent women you’ll meet have men in their lives.
So set this one aside, quit worrying about it, and go approach some girls.
Yes, they’re all going to have men in their lives; and those men will influence their reactions to you in some way it’s impossible to predict before you meet them.
And that’s why you’ve got to go meet them: to find out if they’re one of the girls being influenced to find you more attractive, or if they’re one of the girls being influenced to find you not so attractive. You don’t meet the former without wading through some of the latter... that’s just how it goes.
There’s always another man in her life. Don’t stress it – just put soles to pavement and go say “Hi” regardless.
You may just be exactly the kind of man she’s inclined to enjoy