A few friends and I were sitting at a table, careless fluff talk and barely appropriate jokes going all around, when someone made a joke that had everyone cracking up. Too bad I can’t recall the joke. But the point is that we were having a good time. After all, as most people, I love laughing and smiling (that goofy photo next to my name is there to prove it).
Then one of the friends commented – “Why do you cover your mouth with your hand when you’re laughing?”
“I do? Didn’t even notice it.”
I then got noticeably embarrassed and attempted to change the subject.
In truth, I was actually aware I was doing it and the fact that this friend, I’m sure without any bad intentions, drew attention to it made me both angry and uncomfortable.
Here’s the deal: at the time I had properly crooked teeth, something I’d been very insecure about; and covering my mouth with my hand (or any other object I might be holding in my hands) was my way of masking this insecurity. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as nonchalant as I imagined and my friend’s comment made it painfully obvious.
And even though I didn’t want to admit it at the time, this seemingly insignificant insecurity was impacting my life in more ways than just trying to hold in a laugh or a smile before I can cover it up with an awkward gesture.
Indeed, in my mind I felt flawed; I imagined how life would be so much better if only I had a beautiful smile – I would instantly become so much more confident and surely all my female classmates would find me incredibly more attractive.
Also, if I saw a woman I liked and then it turned out that she had a great smile, in my mind this would instantly make her “out of my league” because there’s no way any woman with great teeth would find me attractive. Silly, I know.
About the
Author: Darius Belejevas
Darius Belejevas is the dating industry's go-to expert on looking
fashionably sexy. He upgrades clients' looks... And turns them into head
turners and lady killers. You can learn more about his master class in
looking sexy via the link below:
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Comments
Body Image
Hey Darius,
A very nice, thought-provoking article you wrote back there. I just wanted to share my story in the light of this post.
I have a terrible body shape according to myself. I am a 23 y/o Indian guy. I measure about 188 cm in height. Thats slightly above six feet. However, my thighs are way bigger than my chest and shoulders. Which means that if i stand up straight, then my shoulders are slightly narrower than my hips. On top of that my upper half is skinny. My hips look huge my stomach looks tiny and my shoulders as well. This makes me look close to having an hour glass/pear shaped figure. I used to hide it by wearing extremely loose clothing but realised that that just made me look even worse. I have been having this sort of figure for 8 years. It made me feel very insecure to the point where I had checked myself whether i have the male hormone in my body or not. The test, however, came back normal.
However recently i started hitting the gym and im asking my 'cooler' friends to give me the 'bad boy' look. I also developed a solid skin care routine for myself. I feel that i will improve but still sometimes i just feel that sense of insecurity within me when i stand next to a woman.
I just wish that someday my body will even out because of my efforts and i will grow to be a stronger looking guy. But im still feeling a little bit insecure at times. For me improvement in my body shape would be my greatest source of confidence. I would also like to tell all the other readers out there to not lose hope, even if theyre alone with nobody to help them improve, they must motivate themselves. I promise you, its worth it.
Thanks for writing this article. Ill be sure to read the ones you put up in the future.
Good luck on your path
Hey man,
Thank you for sharing this and I'd like to wish you strength on this path, I know that working on your physique is something that takes a lot of effort and time, but stick with it and it'll be worth every second. You'll have this sense of achievement, because you took control and handled it!
In the meanwhile, don't forget to work on your mind too. Those insecurities are first and foremost thoughts, beliefs and that sense of being worthy of a beautiful woman won't come in a form of physical changes but as changes in your mindset.
Also make sure to check out fashion articles we have here at GC - they will help you get that sexy look in the short-term, while you're working on your physique.
yeah
I eagerly await future articles from you. :)
Articles like this one make
Articles like this one make me an almost fanatical student of GC!
Hear my story....
For me, I used to feel deeply adequate about my height and butt. I'm 184cm tall, but then, until recently, I considered myself not tall enough. I have a small butt and that also bothered, and still bothers the hell out of me.
Fortunately for me though, I have incredible self-awareness. I police and subject my thoughts to tedious scrutiny on a daily basis(this helps a lot). This incredible self-awareness has helped me notice, quite very early, these two moles when they 1st rear'd their ugly heads.
I think I've gotten over the issue of height. How? Each time I have a thought concerning my height, I remind myself , instantaneously, to disregard such pernicious thoughts, and instead, focus on my finer features. I see people who are not as tall as I'm, living life to the fullest, kicking asses and slaying bitties like cattle!
When I see those not-too-tall guys, I remind myself of how lucky I'm, and how very ungrateful I'm for even complaining about my height. Truth be told though...it's been crazy difficult to get my mind off the height issue, to be quite honest.
As regard my small butt, it was not until january 1st 2015 that I made a decision to overcome that as well. Through out the month of february, I dedicated my time to solving this body problem. There's still a vestige of it left, but I can now say quite convincingly, that my body image has improved drastically. All I did was to bring to my immediate consciousness the fact that after I have those negative thoughts, I must counter them immediately with a recitation of my other sterling qualities. It sounds crazy but it's been working a treat for me...so am gonna stick to that baby until the vestige is totally excised.
Now, when I look at it, it seems utterly senseless how we allow these petty insecurities and inadequacies manipulate us to submission. It's crazy what the contents of our thoughts do to our lives.
A very relatable article, this one.
Success story
Now that's what I call a success story - great job, moolar. Having such awareness over your own thoughts is a really impressive feat. Keep it up!
I was just thinking, as I
I was just thinking, as I came on m computer, about my physical insecurities,
how my looks suck. then I decided to check out the website to see any new
articles when I saw this one. That was great.
I guess everyone on this site must have experienced something like that, where
they hope there is an article about a particular topic and it just happens
to become true.
Anyway, great one Darius. You are seriously doing great.
Big fat ugly lips
Darius, I've got big, fat ugly lips that hang.
They are not sexy thin lips that sexy guys usually have.
Instead, they are ugly and make my smile horrible.
should I forget about it or is there a way to fix it?
Hey man,Why do think that
Hey man,
Why do think that full, luscious lips are a bad thing?
Seriously, take a moment to reflect why you think that's the case - maybe someone made a comment / used it as an insult in the past?
Let me share one of the sillier insecurities I had: I have small hands, with long, feminine fingers (pretty sure I'd awesome at playing a piano or a similar instrument if only I knew how haha). For a long time, I had this belief that it was a flaw because some time in the past few guy "friends" teased me about it. So as soon as weather allowed I would start wearing gloves (the thicker the better too) whenever possible, just so that my hands would look bigger, more masculine.
Now here's the kicker, as I've started doing the mental work and getting over my insecurities (note the article as to How), funny thing happened - women specifically started commenting how much they love my hands. Seriously, without any actual physical changes, this feature went from being something I've been hiding to something that women specifically compliment me on.
Now, here's the kicker for you, ideal male sexy face includes: "Fuller and more symmetrical lips" (source: http://www.uni-regensburg.de/Fakultaeten/phil_Fak_II/Psychologie/Psy_II/... )
In other words, having thinner lips is the worse of the two. But in your mind, because of the way you talk to yourself you don't have "full, luscious lips", you have "big, fat, ugly lips" - change that first.
Hope this helps :)
Much appreciated
I really appreciate your response, Darius.
The thing is, my lips are not symmetrical.
Furthermore, do you know any facial exercise that strengthens facial
muscles. My face d needs a little tightening as it tends to appear expressionless
when neutral. Any exercises you know?
Sorry, can't recommend any
Sorry, can't recommend any facial exercises that I've personally tried and could say "yeah, do this and it will get you XYZ results". That said, face tightness is closely related to your skin health and this is something we'll cover next week :)
feminine hands
I dont know whether its a mere coincidence or has any genetic reason behind it that girls do love feminine hands. Actually i also have hands which is more feminine( long figures,small hand etc) and i have been told by my Girl friends that they realllllly loved them. But fortunately i never has any issues in my mind related to my hand structure and kind of like it anyway so whenever i was complemented, always i replied back with a smile and a "thank you" attached with it .
Anyways great article Darius. keep up good work brother :) :)
Thanks
This is the best article that I've read on this site in quite a while (since Chase "retired").
Thanks and keep it up!
Hairstyle
Darius, you mentioned sexy hairstyle. Which one should I get?
I'm a tall, dark skinned guy of Indian origin . I wear rectangular glasses.
My hair is straight and quite soft.
For now, I spike it up using water or gel but it's not great.
So, any idea on sexy hairstyles?
There are few things we need
There are few things we need to consider: your face shape, facial hair you're rocking (to create visually attractive proportions) and the overall image you're going for. There's no single "sexy hairstyle", but instead it's about how it makes your whole face look and the character qualities in conveys.
Now, let me be a tease here and say that I'll cover this in depth in the next few weeks in an article series I call "Seducer's Grooming Handbook".
Can I send you a photo
Can I send you a photo privately?
Let's make a deal :) If you
Let's make a deal :) If you still not sure after the article (should be ready in couple of weeks), I'll be glad to help you personally with this.
Deal accepted, my friend. ;)
Deal accepted, my friend. ;)
Hi Darius. The comments,
Hi Darius.
The comments, especially with several guys saying they are of Indian descent, bring up something close to home for me.
And that is of being an Asian man in America. This would warrant a few articles, especially for those of us who grew up in the States, spoon-fed crap for decades on what the media views as the stereotypical Asian man.
I grew up accepting these limiting beliefs as gospel for the longest time; that is, until I discovered sites like these after having no luck with women. I've since then have slightly better luck with women, but not by much.
It's critically sad that most women buy into these stereotypes without much forethought. Subsequently, my online dating experience with eHarmony over the past year has been absolutely dismal. I've contacted 350+ women and only got two measly dates.
Though from time to time I'd contact white women on eHarmony, I mainly contact Asian women now because white women never respond.
It's gotten so bad that I basically have resigned myself to moving from this small town of 20,000, back to a major city, just so that there's a dating pool. I don't much like it, because I feel like a major failure. If I look around me, I see some of my white friends able to find girlfriends. I have much more social intelligence than they do.
But birds of a like feather flock together. I hardly get invited to anything. The whites stick together, so it's easier for them to meet girls. If I do get invited, 100% of the time I am the only Asian in attendance.
So, I'd like to read some articles in the future on how guys like me can more effectively deal with situations like this. I realize that I cannot change other people's paradigms of me. The only paradigm I can change is my own. Subsequently, I've adopted the sexy walk, dressed more fashionably, work out, work on being more confident, shoot guns, and otherwise step away from the stereotypically role of the Asian man. Yet, I still find that from time to time I still get written off, especially by my white friends who comment that this white chick would be great with this white guy, ignoring me completely! Oftentimes, too, they assume that I only go for Asian girls. That is an insult to me because there are hardly any Asian girls in this small town.
I know I sound bitter. Heck, sites like these exist to help men like me put an end to that bitterness, and start building the life we want.
Hey man, Thanks for sharing
Hey man,
Thanks for sharing this!
I'll be frank, you do sound bitter and position yourself as a victim of being a certain race / negative social environment / media.
And the thing is, you might be correct (you probably are), being white is a big advantage in certain situations (locations), your social environment might have written you off in the past because of this, media is spewing negative beliefs all the time.
But that's not a least bit helpful to your actual situation. Actually, this bitterness might become one of the reasons why your white friends don't invite you to certain events. It's not your race, but how much of a big deal you make of it. Or I might be wrong here, just something to think about.
And if you have contacted hundreds of women to only get couple of dates, chances are it's less about your race and more about your profile (though yes, we have enough data to see that being something other than white in the western world is on average statistically worse, but we're not aiming for the average here?). White guys get shitty online dating results too.
Nonetheless, you seem to have taken proactive approach in improving yourself - keep it up, results will follow.
One thing that I would actually recommend is something you mentioned and that's changing your environment - it's really simple, if you don't enjoy your current social circle, situation, town, etc. nothing is holding you back (at least in the long-term), start the prep work and move on.
But yeah, I'd start paying some attention to how much time you personally spend thinking and dwelling on the injustice of being asian that you think exists. Just like with body image, focus on noticing first and don't dwell on it.
Hi Darius. The funny thing is
Hi Darius.
The funny thing is I didn't used to be like this, calling racism. It was unintentionally awakened several years ago by an article entitled, "What happens to all the Asian-American overachievers when the test-taking ends?" I had for years looked down on any other Asians who wanted to dress, act, and speak like Americans, to the point that I was hating them. Of course, I subconsciously hated myself. One day, I just awoken to the fact that I had been indoctrinated by American entertainment into behaving as a stereotypical Asian. And I was born in the States! The danger in not having a role model or a father-figure is that we seek models wherever we can. The biggest model for me was the zombie tube.
I actually do keep my comments to myself, because a common argument people would use is that "those who cry racism are often racist themselves."
That being said, thoughts of racism now and again cross my mind, leaving me in the nice victim mentality zone. I have to work hard to break out of it. Ultimately, I know that I cannot change other people's paradigms. The only thing I have control over is my own thoughts.
There's a diagram I saw once in which an observer, filled with paradigms, is looking at another person. It is a circular feedback loop with arrows, depicting the observation process. The observer observes the person, reinforcing his own paradigms based on how the person being observed behaves and acts. It occurred to me in analyzing that diagram that in someone observing me that I will behave in ways that confirm their biases towards me. As a corollary, I can also change the way they confirm their biases and paradigms by changing the way I behave and act.
Chase often writes that we have to work on our fundamentals, we have to work on our fundamentals, we have to...He's basically saying that we have to change our own paradigms of the world: how we perceive ourselves as men, how we speak, act, look, and--more importantly--think.
I find the psychological aspect of thought and behavior interesting and powerful. (Praxis is the consistent application of behavior and belief, that we act in ways consistent with our beliefs.) Then again, I have always been a nerd when it comes to how the human brain thinks the way it does and why people do the things they do. I can literally sit in a mall or coffee shop and people-watch all day.
I have also started in motion of my move to a big city. Several years ago, I thought I wanted to move. I had fallen into a minor depression that would take me several years to break out of. It's funny how there are many levels when it comes to decision-making. I thought I had decided; yet, things would not happen for another two years. I had three interviews in the city of my choice. Yet, all three times I managed to sabotage my chances of landing a job.
Fast-forward to now, when I finally learned what it means to decide and now things are happening at lightning speeds. In fact, I think I might be outta here within 6-month period, especially at the rate in which I am manifesting my destiny and my goals. I'm reminded of a quote I once read, "When you finally decide what you want, the universe will conspire to bring it to you."
I know that a lot of articles on Girls Chase concentrate more on the seduction aspect than on the power of our thought processes. But I think that in order to become more successfully seducers and lovers of women that we have to first learn how to control our thoughts and harness them to our end.
The praxis of seduction is really the praxis of self-improvement, that we can only grow ourselves as lovers and seducers as fast as we are willing to improve ourselves.
That was beautifully
That was beautifully written.
You're obviously a smart guy and it seems you mostly have it figured out and now it's all about executing these strategies.
As for role models, you might want to google Ramit Sethi, he mostly teaches about personal finance and entrepreneurship, but I think he's a great example of someone who overcame A LOT limiting beliefs in his path (many of which were race-related) and is a better man because of it. For example, he talks a lot about how long he struggled with working on his physique because in his mind he was "a scrawny Indian" and guys like that don't get to have a great physique. (Also, based on the terminology he's using in his work I'm pretty damn sure he was into pick up at one time or the other :) )
Just switching thoughts?
Hi Darius,
I was wondering if you only make yourself aware you thinking about negative traits and change thoughts or if you also replace them with a more positive thoughts?
Thanks, great article!
Hey lux! It's a bit tricky.
Hey lux!
It's a bit tricky. Technically, if you can get away with changing your negative thoughts with positive ones that would be a more effective. But personally I found that I just end up having an imaginary argument with myself and further dwell on the subject and that sucks.
So I found that instead of trying to change my thoughts, when I notice negative body image talk, I simply refocus on life and whatever I'm doing at the moment.
That said, there is one important change we can make and that's change the language we're using. If you read through the comments you might have seen a comment saying "I hate my big, fat lips" - it's instantly self-defeating. But what if instead we said "full, luscious lips"? We're not trying to fool ourselves, we're acknowledging and being honest that the lips are indeed wider, but this time we naturally put a positive spin around the statement from the start.
But again, just to re-iterate myself, it's best not to dwell on this stuff - notice, acknowledge, move on.
Thoughts on plastic surgery?
Hey Darius - insightful post! I agree with you that getting your style in check is crucial but what about if your face is rather unsymmetrical and not appealing to look at. For example I have a recessed chin/weak jaw, droopy eye, and a bigger bulbus crooked nose. I feel like no matter how good my style is I will still look goofy. I also feel like I'm at a real disadvantage because I lack baseline attractive symmetry. Maybe this could all be in my head but I would really like to know your thoughts on getting plastic surgery if ones face is not generally appealing because its asymmetric. Thank you! - Jerry
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