Going Out to Meet Women Even When You Don’t Want to
When I first started lifting weights regularly, there were plenty of days I did not want to go to the gym at all - days I felt sick, days I felt tired, days I was down in the dumps. But I made myself go anyway, because I had committed myself to it, and I knew that if I started skipping days at the gym, I'd skip more and more, and whatever gains I actually made would be slow and, likely, negligible.
So, I went, time and again, when I did not want to go at all. The feeling after was always triumphant - I had vanquished my emotions and managed to achieve in spite of myself. And six months after I'd begun working out three times a week, every week, I was back in front of a bunch of my old colleagues, and everyone was impressed at how much muscle I'd put on.
I hadn't even realized; because I saw myself in the mirror every day, I hadn't seen the transformation. All I'd seen was that I kept lifting heavier and heavier amounts of weight.
Going out to meet women is just like this; the important thing is not being "ready" to go out and meet women - the important thing is going out and meeting women.
But a lot of men have trouble doing this.
When I first stumbled on the pickup community, I heard a lot about this thing called "state." "State" referred to your emotional state - how were you feeling? Were you feeling:
State, I learned, had a life-or-death impact on your success at meeting new women.
If your state was not great, you'd be cut up for bait.
Guys in pickup back then listened to pump-up music; they went with buddies to help them "pump state" together; sometimes they even had elaborate rituals for how they got themselves prepared enough to go talk to women.
I gave it a shot, and I tried it for a while - if a lot of people are doing something, maybe there's something to it - but after a bit, I went back to my old ways; screw your feelings, I'd say to myself, just go do it.
After I largely threw the concept of "state control" into the waste bin, my improvement rate with women really started to take off.
Why State Control Came About
Let's face it: it's easier to do things when you're looking forward to doing them.
When you're excited about them.
Especially scary things.
When you're new to going out to meet new women, it's very often a scary
experience, because you're not getting a lot of positive feedback and
results yet; i.e., on any given night or day you go out, you're probably not going to get laid or get a phone number when you're a
pure beginner... but you are
probably going to get girls rejecting you a whole
That's not fun. It's draining.
And it's work.
Sure, afterward, you'll often get that triumphant feeling of, "Yes, I DID it! ... despite my own hesitancy about going out," same as you do after going to the gym when you really didn't want to and putting in a full workout regardless.
But that whole getting-yourself-out-there to begin with thing is the hard part.
Once you're out and doing it, it's not so hard.
But getting yourself doing it? That's hard.
Because you look ahead, and all you see are rejection and bad feelings, with a low probability of success.
"I'd rather just play video games," you tell yourself... falling back on one of those excuses not to meet new women Colt talked about just the other day.
And then you stay in.
Who Needs "State"?
Some of my most memorable outings in 2006 - the year I really started knuckling down on going out to meet new girls - were nights I pushed myself out despite being in a terrible state and not wanting to go out at all.
Those experiences more than anything else convinced me of how little "state" really matters.
One was one of my first nights out in Washington, D.C. My new wingman - and the only guy I knew in town - had left for New York City for the weekend, and I had the weekend to myself.
"I guess I should just stay in," I said to myself. I didn't want to go out that night, even one bit.
But, I rallied myself up; picked a bar I hadn't been to that was nearby to where I lived, and decided to go explore it.
When I got there, the prospects were pretty slim; a few pretty girls, but all in big groups of people, animatedly talking, having a good time. The bar was very brightly lit, so anything I did was going to be under a spotlight, and a single approach going bad was going to mean everyone there wouldn't want to talk to me.
Discouraged, I slunk up to the bar and grabbed a seat.
I sparked up a conversation with a guy in the stool next to me - kind of a scrubby-looking guy; nothing all that spectacular about him - who, 10 minutes later, after our conversation died down and I chatted up the girl next to me, re-engaged me and to ask me if I wanted to hit up a club in D.C. I said "sure", and a taxi ride later, I found myself in a nightclub I'd never heard of or seen before, that ended up becoming my favorite all-time venue in D.C.: a place I'd become a regular of, take lots of new lovers from, and have lots of memorable experiences at.
I also met the girl that night who'd go on to become a girlfriend
of mine for the next 2 1/2 years. I was pretty "out of state" that
entire night, and only
did a handful of approaches; the only good one I did was on that girl,
who was arguably the cutest girl there. At the time, I thought it'd
been the best 10-minute interaction I'd ever run; after a string of
go-nowhere interactions with women my first few nights out in D.C., I
finally had a hit, and with a beautiful, charismatic girl, no less.
Fast forward a month or so later, and I found myself sick with an intestinal flu. Again, I'd planned to go out that night... but now I felt atrociously bad.
Yet, after I finished my last round on the toilet, I said to myself, "I'm going to go out anyway," and did. I rode around on the subway for a while, figuring I'd talk to girls there... but didn't talk to anyone.
I got off at one stop, exited the station, got a few feet before feeling ill, and turned right around and went back to the subway station again.
I walked downstairs and, as I did, spied a thin, svelte girl in a red-and-white striped shirt walking ahead of me, a very sexy sway to her hips, golden locks of hair bouncing off her back. "That girl..." I said to myself, "I'm going to go meet THAT girl."
My stomach was still making uncomfortable noises and telling me to head back home and lie in bed (or plant myself on the john), but I forged on ahead anyway. I caught up with the girl waiting for a train, and opened her with my standard train game opening line: "Going anywhere exciting?" We got to chatting; she mentioned she'd just drank an entire bottle of wine with her girlfriends, and had another bottle of wine with her.
She also mentioned she was a former beauty pageant winner from a few years prior.
She also invited me back to her place alone with her, six minutes
after I'd met her. I, still feeling quite miserable, nevertheless, saw
the skies parting and the light shining down on me, and said, "Sure."
Over the years, I've had many nights like this, where I did NOT want to go out, but did anyway, and ended up having something really fun, great, or wonderful occur.
Of course, I've had nights I didn't want to go out when I did go out, and they completely sucked, too.
But I've also had nights where I was JUICED to go out... and stayed juiced the entire night - but nothing ever came of it, and I just piled up one rejection after another after another.
It actually got to the point where I started telling myself, "Oh, I'm excited to go out tonight... it's probably going to be a waste of a night," or, "Oh, I don't want to go out tonight? I should probably go out anyway to see if I can have yet another crazy experience that further convinces me it's awesome going out when you don't want to go out."
I still tried to get in "a good state" throughout much of 2006 and 2007, and some of 2008, and still sometimes opted not to go out when I really wasn't feeling it, until I had a couple of realization about how flimsy "state" really is.
The first was on a night when I hadn't wanted to go out, where I then decided to listen to some pump-up music and get myself really excited about going out. And I was! But then, within a few minutes of being in my car, my state was awful again, and I ended up turning my car around and driving back home.
The next was a little while later, when, again, I was feeling awful, but I remembered the lessons of the last time I'd tried listening to music to "pump my state", and I figured that the solution would be to listen to state-pumping music in the car so I'd be pumped the whole way there. So I did, and it worked! I stayed pumped the entire drive.
Then I got out of the car, and started walking to the nightclub I was going to. By the time I reached the line to get in, I felt terrible all over again. I don't remember how that night went, but I do remember the lesson of it: artificially-induced state is fleeting as hell.
Fake States Don't Last
I realized that the times I went out to meet girls when I was starting low, I was able to gradually build up into a more talkative frame of mind just by going out and planting myself in a bar and chatting up the people around me.
Conversely, when I'd "pump my state", that state was based on listening to exciting music, or imagining things going perfectly with girls, and the instant I set foot outside my house or car, the music was gone, I was back in the real world, and the fake state would crash.
I finally decided that, at least for me, these artificially induced emotional states were actually harmful... they wrecked my nights.
I had a much harder time going on to have a good night after pumping state and having it crash, then subsequently needing to rebuild, than I did simply going out low and gradually building up by talking to people as I was out and about.
The fake state, I came to see, was transitory, fleeting, and all around just bad for having productive nights with women.
What If You Can Maintain a Pumped State?
The other thing I found: when I went out in super excited, chatty, talky emotional states, and went around meeting women like that, and I maintained that state, I rarely had much luck with women regardless of it.
Even though I was feeling great.
Eventually I pinned this to being in the wrong mode - you don't see James Bond or George Clooney or Brad Pitt or anybody else bouncing off the walls talking excitedly and energetically and ending up with a girl in bed at the end of the night. Yet, the "excited fun party guy" seems to be the model most often recommended to new guys starting out.
To be sure, I have known a handful of guys who've made this mode work. And I did eventually figure out how to make it work myself - you have to be very good at knowing exactly when to switch that mode off and transition into a much more intimate, intense, sensual one to create the right amount of sexual tension and arouse a woman's more carnal interests in you (rather than just her excitement and curiosity). Possible to do? Oh yes, absolutely! Easy to learn? No, not at all. And I wouldn't recommend doing so unless the bouncing-off-the-walls-with-tons-of-energy mode is your natural one.
Otherwise, without the ability to transition smoothly from "excited and chatty" to "intriguing and sexual", you'll lose girls when you try to do anything more than be their talking and chatting buddy, due to overproviding good feelings and being too much fun.
Now, if you CAN'T state-pump your way to going out when you just don't want to go out... what CAN you do?
Going Out to Meet Women Even When You Don't Want to
There are three (3) ways to get yourself out to talk to talk to women even when you feel terrible, even when you're scared, and even when you're trying to find excuses to stay in and watch a movie or play a game or head to bed early because you're "going to get up early and do some day game tomorrow" (never happens).
They are these:
- Scheduling it in
- Being an explorer
- Having set goals
Some of this I talked about in my (free to download) 2009 mini eBook Finding Your Niche - so snag a copy of that if you haven't already.
Let's have a look at each of these points and how you can use them to get yourself out... even when you don't want to go out.
Scheduling it in. When something is amorphously penciled into your schedule, it's very easy to decide not to do it. This is when you sort of feel like, "Maybe I'll go out tonight after dinner and a shower," and then later start feeling like it's going to be a lot of work for little payoff, then decide, "Nah, I'll go out tomorrow, because I don't feel like it right now."
The way around this? Scheduling it in. Making it part of your pre-planned routine. When it's, "Today, after work, I'm going to have dinner at 6 PM, take a shower at 8 PM, and at 9:30 PM I'm heading out to The Sticky Tap to settle in before the crowd starts showing up at 10:30 PM or so," it's a lot easier to stick to that, because you already know what you're doing and it's already planned out. Just do what you're supposed to do when you're supposed to do it, and there's no deciding required. If you feel yourself trying to wiggle out of it, just say to yourself, "Nope, it's already scheduled in. No thinking about this; just doing."
Being an explorer. This one, when used in conjunction with scheduling things in, can remove most or all of your emotional reservations about a place. Any time you want to go out, but there aren't any places you're excited about going out to, it's time to check out somewhere new. Your mission: find a venue that sounds even vaguely interesting, that you've never been to, or have only been to briefly, and go there early in the night and stay there the whole night to get a feel for what the venue itself is like, and what the crowd it attracts is like. You don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to - all you have to do is go out alone, go to your selected venue early in the night (or late in the morning / early afternoon, if you're doing day pick up), walk around the entire premises to get a full lay of the land, then pick a spot where you can be comfortable, where you'll probably be somewhere high traffic, and where you can get a view of the crowd as things fill up and get busy over the next several hours.
This "explorer" approach has gotten me into many places I'd probably never have checked out over the years that I eventually ended up becoming very fond of. Sure, maybe 70% to 80% of the time you get to a place, and leave with the impression of, "Meh, this place is no good for girls," but 20% to 30% of the time, you find a diamond in the rough - one that none of your friends knows about, you hardly ever hear about (or maybe NEVER hear about), yet is a veritable gold mine for meeting cute new girls who are happy to make your acquaintance. As an added bonus, you also get very acquainted with the spots all over your town to meet women at, and get more familiar with your city itself in general.
Having set goals. When you've set out goals you're going to target achieving on any given outing in advance, it makes it a lot easier to get out - because instead of having some overwhelmingly impossible and poorly defined goal (like "get a date" or "get laid" or even "get girls to like me" can be if you're a beginner), you now have a specific set of small tasks to accomplish: "I will use a direct opener with 3 girls tonight" or "I will spin 4 girls around by the hand today on the street" or "I will do 3 nighttime street approaches tonight." Pick goals that feel achievable for where you're at, and instead of biting off a mountain, you're biting off something bite-sized and much more manageable.
Any one of these alone can help you get out a lot more easily with a lot less back-and-forth, rationalizing, or talking yourself out of it. #1 combined with #2 or #3 can make it almost impossible to not go; and if you can combine all three ("Tonight, at 10 PM, I'm going to Club Nova to see if it's as good as I keep hearing it is or not, and I'm going to spin 3 girls around while there regardless") it's a lot easier to get yourself out - because then all you're doing is following through on what you've already decided to do.
Ultimately, especially when you're new, randomness is king, and going out lots and talking to lots of girls is mandatory. Even when you know what you're doing, randomness plays a big part; when you're just starting out, you need lots of chances and lots of data points to both improve and to hit the occasional homerun with a cute new girl.
And, you're every bit as likely to stumble into some good luck on a night you didn't want to drag yourself out of the house as you are on a night you went out on Cloud Nine.
The hardest time for this is in the beginning, when you're new. Once you've had a few occasions of going out feeling awful, but ultimately having a great time, you'll soon realize that "state" has little or no correlation with "success", outside of its impact on getting you approaching more women.
Make it a routine, schedule it in, be an explorer, and set a few goals (not too many... no more than 3 for any given outing to avoid overwhelm).
Do that, and you'll be going out, even when you don't want to.
It's how you get real results, and train yourself up at a realistically fast pace, and get yourself accustomed to meeting the kinds of women you want to meet anytime, any place, whenever you run into them, no matter how you're feeling then and there.
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