Creating an Environment for Bondage and Sexperimentation


bondageAs a student of psychology who worked in the field for years, I have arrived at the belief that the single most important predictor of behavior is context. By this, I mean the immediate environment surrounding the behavior – the people, the atmosphere, and all sensory input streams.

I mean, think about it for a second. Doesn’t it sometimes seem like you have a different personality depending on who you’re with, what you’re doing, or where you are? Have you ever done something, then looked back at it later and thought, “That just wasn’t me! I never do stuff like that!”

It’s almost like there was someone else controlling your actions, because the truth of the matter is that... it was a different personality. It was just as much “you” as the “you” you like to think is “you”, but it was simply expressing a side of itself that you had never experienced before. And, if I had to guess, I’d say you were in some kind of special circumstance when that happened… weren’t you? Maybe you were on vacation, maybe you were intoxicated, maybe you were hanging out with people with whom... for some reason, in that instance, it just seemed like an okay thing to do. Right?

So, as with nearly all phenomena I encounter in my journeys and adventures, I asked myself the question... “How can I use what I’ve learned to improve my sex life and the sex lives of my special lady friends?”


How Do You Make a Better Sex Life?

I have an answer that will definitely enlighten you, certainly intrigue you, and possibly arouse you at the mere thought of such wonderful filth.

If you desire to elicit a behavior, you need to create a safe environment – a context in which that behavior can be expressed. I mean, let’s say you want to tie up your favorite lady friend and bang her in the ass. For ladies reading along, let’s take the completely-I’m-sure-not-true idea that you’ve fantasized about being restrained, taking orders, being banged every which way in every which hole and just all-around dominated.

I know... what a stretch, right?

But really, I’m writing to the guys out there, so it’s you fine gentlemen I’m going to address. Again, let’s say you want to tie up your lady friend and have total control over what happens. Some women are very open to this and are cool with it from the get-go. But other times you will come across a girl who deeply, badly desires to behave in this way, but has some hang-ups about it... or more likely, has simply never been given permission to act in this way without shame.

What if it were true that... she wants to be your naughty little slut, your dirty whore (behind closed doors), but is afraid to tell you for fear of judgment? After all, there are all kinds of social consequences in place were her friends to find out she’s into such things, and perhaps most importantly, the mental cycles she’ll burn trying to reconcile what she wants with how she wants you to view her.

So if a girl desires to do this, how do we make it okay for her to do so? Well, keep in mind, there must be a specific context in which such behavior is not only safe... not only acceptable... but hell, maybe even totally awesome and a lot of fun?


Setting Up the Role-Play

One good option for creating a safe, accepting, and fun environment like this is you set up a role-play in which she must follow your every command and be completely obedient and submissive to you. You give her the option of saying “Yes sir”, acting out your commands, or both. She is not to speak of her own accord. In this context, the frame is “I say, you do; I ask a question, you say “yes sir”.”

Then, once the appropriate context is set, you give the commands and act in a way that is congruent with that context. You tell her to lie down. She says “Yes sir” and complies. You strap her down or tie her up, giving rich descriptions and reinforcing that she’s been a naughty little slut and needs to be punished for it. You ask her if she wants to be punished like the naughty little slut she is... she says “Yes sir”. Then you take her however you want, and continue to play with those ideas to reinforce the frame: you are my slut; you must do as I say.

“What!?” I can hear you protest. “I would never call my girl a slut, she’s my precious angel; she would never want to be called a whore!”

Are you sure? Like... really sure? I bet she’d beg to differ.

bondage

If you find yourself protesting what I’m saying, allow me to reiterate my point. You set up a role-play in which this is all acceptable and encouraged. It’s “not her” doing these things, it’s the role that you have agreed to play out together, with each other’s permission and encouragement. She is taking on a new personality, and since it’s “not her” doing it, she can feel free to enjoy whatever it is that her body is screaming out for, and she can’t be judged!

It’s not about “anal sex”, it’s not about “bondage” – though those things are definitely happening – but they’re a smaller part; a piece of the overall puzzle, which is, again, an I-Say-You-Do role-play. In that context, anything you want is within the realm of reason, and when you “step out” of the scene afterwards you can just snap back to your regular personalities and “come back to yourself”.

So you don’t sit down and have a talk about “hey baby I really want to try anal... if I buy you a pony do you think maybe we could try it? Babe?... Babe?” No. Don’t do that. That puts a lot of pressure on her that will nearly guarantee it’s not going to happen (okay, maybe once if she’s trying to be a team player, but what’s in it for her? It needs to be about both of you getting off on a fantasy together.).

But in the I-Say-You-Do scenario, I mean... imagine what it would be like if she were strapped to your mattress. You don’t have a restraint system under your mattress? Get one. They cost like 40 bucks (so my friends tell me... ). It’s worth it.

Anyway, when she’s tied up in that position, you can simply give her suggestions and commands. Start playing with her ass, tell her how naughty she’s been, remind her that “naughty little girls need to be punished, don’t they?” Remember she can only say “Yes sir”. When she does, ask her something like, I don’t know... “Would you like a nice hard cock in that ass, you naughty little slut?” She can only say “Yes sir”!

And by this point she’s so deeply wrapped up in the fantasy that she’s probably not going to break out of it.


What If...?

I can hear you wondering... well, what if she doesn’t like it? What if it really hurts, and not in the good way?

Awesome question. This is delicate territory (pun fully intended). There is a lot of potential emotional and physical turmoil that experimental and unconventional sex can bring about, and, as such, it’s got to be your highest priority to discuss some things with her beforehand. I know I mentioned it already, but I’m going to say it again because it’s so important… this is for both of you. Together. This is a TEAM EFFORT and a TEAM REWARD.

Beforehand, ask what her “hard limits” are (the things she is absolutely not okay with... for most women this is stuff like needles, blades, drawing blood, fecal play).

Most women have read Fifty Shades of Grey, which somewhat popularized the bondage subculture, and they’ll already be familiar with all the terms I’m using in this article. If your girl doesn’t know what a “hard limit” is, just explain it like I’ve done – things that are absolutely off-limits no matter what. Make sure you tell her what your hard limits are too, unless you don’t mind the idea of winding up with a rotating dildo in your ass at some point in the evening.

Also, make sure to choose a “safeword”, which you explain to her she MUST say if something is too painful or she wants to end the scene. That is HER CHOICE, and if she says the safeword, you stop IMMEDIATELY and comfort her. You remind her that any words she says that are NOT the safeword will not stop you.

Once she feels comfortable knowing that she can trust you to end the scene if need be – at HER volition – and can feel safe that the scene has a beginning and an end, after which you return to your regular personalities – you have created a context in which it is okay for her to act out fantasies that she’s (probably) never trusted anyone enough to actually follow through with. It “doesn’t count”, it is fantasy; you are both becoming other people for the duration of the scene so it’s okay. And she cannot be judged for it, since it “isn’t really her” doing that stuff.

bondageThis is how, once you have an idea of the kind of behavior you’d like to act out, you can really begin to imagine what sorts of contexts you should create in order to make it okay, to make it acceptable, and above all... to make it SAFE!

And guys, this applies to way more than the kinky bondage scenarios I’ve laid out for you here today. In fact, you probably do this all the time without even realizing it’s what you’re doing!

Want the girl to drink a little? You invite her to a bar, where drinking is the “correct” behavior. Why wouldn’t you just bring her a beer in the middle of class? Because that’s out of context!

Want to introduce her to your family? Do you call your parents and put them on the phone with her? Of course not, that’s out of context! You invite her to their home or to a family gathering.

Want to escalate to sex? You invite her to a bedroom, where that is the normal and expected behavior. Why wouldn’t you try to have sex with her on the middle of the dance floor? Okay, you guys can see where I’m going with this by now.

Proper context is that which leads to the desired behavior being safe, acceptable, encouraged and expected!

Have fun and be safe,

DS

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Comments

Dave's picture

Possible friend zone and bad precedent


Great article, Scott. I can't wait to try some of this stuff. :)

A question: if you have known a girl for long time in a school environment, does knowing someone a while without pursuing her automatically put you in the friend zone? I haven't exactly been interested in her until lately, when we started having a buch of classes together. How do I counter that bad precedent and start rebuilding myself in her mind? Will changing my vibe and just being sexy help, or will that come off as creepy because she didn't expect that from me(because of non sexual precedent)? Basically, is it possible to turn that situation around, or should I just forget it and go after someone different?

Thanks in advance!

Anonymous's picture

knowing someone for any


knowing someone for any length of time does not put you in the friendzone. if this girl you are talking about thinks you are sexy and wants a relationship with you she will go for it. If she isn't interested in that and doesn't want to bang you, she wont. If the latter than she will think its creepy, just the risk you take if you pursue her. You don't need to "rebuild yourself in her mind"

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