I’ve been hearing about this a lot lately from a few different folks, so wanted to write a post on it.
Anger. Most men tuck tail and run when they encounter an angry girl. They figure hey, it’s a bad situation, I’m going to get as far away from it as I can.
Of the few men left over who stuck around after she started fuming, most of THOSE men tend to become offended and get angry in return, leading to arguments, shouting, and in some sad circumstances, slapping and hitting and violence.
But are any of those the correct responses to anger? Are any of those the BEST responses to anger?
No. Far from it. And those wrong responses to anger – fear, or indignation – stem from a lack of understanding about what causes anger in the first place, and lead themselves to a worse position with the women you care about or are interested in.
There are better ways.
* * * *
Anger is the result of feeling powerless in a situation – especially, powerless to get something you want. That’s it, nothing more complicated than that. It is a reaction of frustration and lashing out in response to a feeling of helplessness. Its very presence signifies an emotional investment – because without a want or need that’s going unfulfilled, there’s no reason for the flame of anger to be fanned in the first place.
Now, you may be surprised to hear it, but the reasons women list for why they’re angry often have only a little to do with why they’re actually angry. Some reasons a girl may list for why she’s angry:
- She’s having a bad day
- You were rude to her
- She just wants to be left alone
- You don’t treat her right
Here on the other hand are the most common reasons a girl may be angry with you:
- She feels like she doesn’t have a shot with you
- She feels like you don’t care about her as much as she wants you to
- She’s horny
Totally different, right? Of course, a woman’s never going to come out and say she’s frustrated and horny or that she feels like you’re too cool for her, but in fact those things are the reasons why she ends up feeling angry most of the time.
** Note for guys still adjusting: if you’re still getting comfortable with women, people, and social situations, do pay attention if a woman seems legitimately to want you to go. It may just be that she’s having a horrible day and everything is going wrong and she just can’t handle meeting anyone new right now. There are times when a woman – anyone, really – just wants to have some time to herself; until you can tell the difference, if a girl you’ve just met seems angry with you, simply excuse yourself and move on. No reason to agitate her any further and make it a bad time for both of you, there are plenty more girls out there with sunnier dispositions! **
That said, for a guy who’s socially adept, most of the anger and frustration he’ll encounter from women is based on one of those three reasons listed earlier. I’ll discuss each and how to recognize the signs better.
1. Horniness. If a girl hasn’t had sex in a while, especially if she’s a girl with a high sex drive (you can often tell by how passionate – or not – she is in conversation), she’ll tend to become moody and irritable. People become more uptight and tense as their level of sexual frustration increases – so the longer it is between the last time a woman had a sexual release and the present moment, the tenser she’ll seem to be and the more sensitive (and reactive) she’ll be – which often includes taking offense at minor slights and blowing things out of proportion.
Of course, once she’s had a good, satisfying release, she’ll be much more relaxed and easy-going! You might even see it as your mission, to spread good cheer and peace to the sexually frustrated women of the world by helping them find a way to just... let it all out.
Most women don’t KNOW that they’re frustrated from horniness; they just are more irritable and tense. But you can be aware of it and use that knowledge to inform yourself better.
A few other indicators of horny girls: horny girls will also tend to separate themselves from their friends more often; stand out from their pack; and pay more attention to the people around them (and hence focus less on any one conversation or person) until they’ve found a prospective mate. Then they will focus on that person, so long as he’s returning their affections and doesn’t push them away… which brings us to our next reason.
2. No Shot. If a girl feels like a guy is just playing with her and not really interested – for instance, if he jokes with her constantly and alludes to something between the two of them, but never really get serious – or if she feels like he just isn’t interested in general – if, say, she’s been shooting signals his way but he just continues to ignore her because he’s off in his own world or talking to someone else – she may become moody and resentful. Why? Because she wants him – but feels like she doesn’t have a shot.
This is an essential aspect of push-pull, the phenomenon of reeling a girl in then pushing her away, repeatedly, to spike attraction. The emotional highs and lows a woman feels during the process simulates the ups and downs of a longer connection, and creates more emotional investment – making her feel like she’s known you longer and has a stronger bond to you. It’s similar to the way that people hold in higher esteem a retail store or restaurant that’s made a mistake but corrected it than such a venue that’s never made a mistake at all. It provides evidence that your connection is stronger than the bad periods and can’t be so easily broken.
But I want to focus here on female anger and how you can recognize it, and in this instance it’s easy: if a girl liked you early on, but as you speak to her or see her over a period of time she becomes increasingly negative towards you, it’s almost always because for one reason or another she is feeling pushed further and further away from you. Take a moment to examine the fundamentals of your interaction so you can correct what’s wrong. Often it’s one (or several) of the following:
- Too much teasing
- Too much fluff / not enough real connection
- Lack of physical escalation when she hoped for / expected it
Correct those and you’ll see her anger wash away. The easy solution for this to keep in mind is, “Tone it down and be more serious and affectionate.”
3. You Don’t Care. This one you’ll mostly see in relationships. Always be honest from the outset – let a girl know what your expectations are, and what she can expect from you – and you’ll limit this from blowing up on you all the time. And don’t just tell her what to expect – show her, with your actions. Women will pay more attention to your actions than your words. So if a guy says he just wants a casual relationship but then he goes and sees her three days a week, calls her “Honey Muffin”, and invites her over to his parents’ house, you can be reasonably sure she’s going to start viewing herself as his girlfriend and begin to expect him to treat her as such.
Where anger comes into the picture here is where a woman’s expectations fail to meet reality. Three reasons this happens, generally:
- You were clear on what she can expect from you, but she is trying to redefine the relationship by setting new expectations and is angry that you’re not meeting her new expectations
- You were unclear on what she can expect from you, and she is confused and frustrated because she decided it was up to her to set expectations, but you aren’t meeting her new expectations
- You were clear on what she can expect from you, but have failed to deliver
In the first case, be resolute and unyielding. Be compassionate of course, and tell her you understand if she starts saying she can’t be with you, but stick to your guns so she knows you mean it when you tell her how the relationship is going to be.
In the second case, you need to sit down with her and clearly define what she can expect from you, otherwise you will keep running into this problem. It’s caused by this lack of definition in the relationship.
In the third case, be compassionate and understanding, and comfort her. Then either: a) begin delivering on what you’ve failed to deliver on, or b) tell her what’s changed, why it’s changed (a good, personal reason helps you avoid appearing fickle and losing her trust), how that’s going to affect the two of you, and what she can expect from you.
Remember, NEVER get angry at a girl unless she does you some gross misdeed (such as trying to hurt you physically or emotionally or threatening you). Even in that case, retain your composure and either show her the door (if it’s your place) or leave (if it’s anywhere else). Offer to drive her home if you drove her somewhere. But never escalate the fight or become truly angry yourself – a man who becomes angry as a result of a woman being angry at him reveals himself to be reactive to her moods and attacks – and therefore weak.
Strong men are unaffected by women’s emotional flare ups. They feel compassion for women, and they realize the angry woman is tormented, and they want to help her feel better, and know the right way to do so – not by buying presents or saying they’re sorry (that’s what clueless men do, and end up in the same situation again and again), but by addressing the ROOT CAUSE of the anger, as examined above.
Tackle a woman’s anger not as a threat, but as a great opportunity to make the girl you’re spending time with more attracted to you, more confident in your connection, and, in the case of horniness – more satisfied!