9 Terrible Excuses Men Use to Avoid Meeting Great Women
see a really beautiful woman that you’d love to meet, walking down the
sidewalk… she looks like your ideal,
and maybe you even imagine how well the two of you would probably hit
it off together, and the laughter and smiles and romance and adventures
you might share in an unwritten future… and then you just let her walk by, past you without a
word, off into the sunset and into being no more than a memory to you,
never to know what might have been?
There is an old adage in the seduction community that goes, “It’s better to be rejected than live with regret.”
Yet so many men invent what they might not even identify as excuses for saving their feelings and remaining in a state of inaction… and fear. Today I’m going to put a magnifying glass on these weak excuses and why you should throw them out the window to make substantial changes in your life.
When I first started actively improving my skills with women and trying to meet them outside of my social circle or just relying on blind luck, I would think about the seduction community saying all of the time. And I would repeat it to myself whenever I went out and thought about the possibility of seeing a cute girl. Which was pretty much a 99% probability.
And when it happened, there I would stand, in a grocery store or at the bus station, mere feet away from a pretty girl, telling myself that it’s better to get rejected than to go home regretting having done nothing.
And there I would remain standing, stiff as a log…telling myself that “it’s better to get rejected, it’s better to get rejected…” as the pretty girl would walk away, leaving me frozen in my place…never to be seen again.
The Problem Exposed
When I was in college, I was a pretty good student. Not amazing, but this was mostly because I chose to be one of those “too cool for school” guys who would freestyle and party and act like he never had to do homework to succeed (when in reality I’d stay up until 5 am on a near nightly basis scrambling to get all of my work done).
One day, I met with one of my professors to get back a paper that was a pretty large chunk of my grade. I hadn’t done well on it. At all. And we proceeded to talk about how he had given me pointers throughout the semester and how I hadn’t really implemented his tips.
I apologized and said I’d rewrite it, or do better on the next one, or whatever I could say to get out of such a tense meeting. As I reached to grab my paper from the desk, he quickly grabbed it.
With a firm grip on the paper, he stared dead into my eyes. He then said, “Your problem is that you don’t feel bad long enough. And until you fix that, you’re never going to do better. Not on the next paper, not on the final, not ever.”
And then he let go, and let me leave without another word. What did he mean by that? Wasn’t I supposed to get over it as fast as possible and try harder on the next one? Why would a man I respect utter such words?
I mulled over what he had said for an hour or so. But then – as I had so many times before – I put the paper away, got dinner or went out, and quickly forgot about it. And for the rest of the semester, after pulling constant all-nighters and giving poor efforts, I did just as poorly on each subsequent paper.
The Turning Point
I don’t remember what particular instance caused a shift in my mental framework. Maybe it was seeing a gorgeous girl on the bus smiling at me and looking down, only to walk away visibly disappointed – and even lingering a bit – when I did nothing. Maybe it was running into her again on the street that day, and watching her eyes light up, willingly anticipating my redemption; only for me to do nothing… again. And to spend the entire day feeling like garbage, for the longest period of time that I could remember.
Maybe it was me applying for a work program that I really cared about, having been satisfied that the 22 year college journey was over, and I was finally free to live life on my terms; only for me to be rejected due to my inadequate college performance and less-than-full-effort essay.
Maybe it was being fully inspired by this website after being mentally destroyed by a girl I was obsessed with. So inspired that I wanted to write here, and sending Chase my first potential piece; only to be initially rejected because my article wasn’t well thought out enough (luckily he was nice enough to give me a second chance).
Whatever it was, at some point I felt so bad that I never wanted to feel that away again. And then, I made some serious changes.
I started working harder than I ever have.
I developed powerful habits.
And though I certainly didn’t approach every single pretty girl I saw, my approach numbers were often in the dozens when I went out.
It took me several months to understand what my professor had been trying to tell me that day. And although it was too late for me to make the change in college, it was just in time for me to set my course straight for the rest of my life.
And this is the problem with many guys who have approach anxiety: you simply don’t feel bad long enough to make a significant change in your life.
You see girl, get nervous around girl, fail to approach girl, feel bad about girl temporarily (maybe even grumble to a friend), and then forget about girl.
And you trap yourself in this cycle… over, and over, and over again.
When I started my first business venture, I held on to the rejection letter that I had gotten from the work program, and looked at it every single day to remind myself of how terrible I felt, and how hard I needed to work.
If I ever got a really bad case of approach anxiety, I would write down exactly what the girl looked like, where it happened, and what I could’ve done in the situation. Then I would look at it prior to every outing.
So, if you want to overcome your anxiety, you need to make it visceral for yourself. You need to feel it. You have to feel it so much that you never want to feel that way again.
But as men it’s so easy for us to create barriers and excuses in our lives to help us avoid rejection and delude ourselves into thinking that we don’t “want” or “need” new girls.
So, I’m going to lay out each of these sorry excuses, and then talk about making real changes in your life.
Below, I’ve listed out 9 common reasons men give to not go get the things they really want with the women they really want.
Unless you’re an approach machine - and even then, I’d bet at least occasionally even if you are - you’re almost certainly going to see at least a few of these that gel with your own thoughts and actions.
Knowing is half the battle.
#1: Classifying Women as “Shallow” or “Mean”
These sweeping generalizations are used by the guys who think that you shouldn’t need to learn game to get girls. They’ve had one or two bad experiences (and I do mean one or two) and they’ve decided that all girls are crass/ shallow and don’t see all of the great things that the guys they reject (that is, they themselves) have going for them. So when they have the opportunity to talk to a girl, they usually get on some sort of soapbox about how terrible women are.
But really this comes from a very deep insecurity. These men fear women because they understand nothing about how women actually think; and rather than face their ignorance and risk going through the unavoidable rejection and failures of improving their skills, they delude themselves into thinking that they are “above” this whole mating game.
No one is above the mating game. It’s at the essence of why we exist.
#2: Going Back to Old (Bad) Relationships
I’m of the opinion that if a relationship didn’t work for one reason or another, it’s never going to work. It’s like trying to repair broken glass. Yet so many men trap themselves in destructive situations because of a lack of abundance mentality. I’ve been guilty of this a few times myself in the past.
Rather than get a new glass - i.e., putting in the effort with a new girl - guys see the potential failure and instead just sleep with ex-girlfriends or other past lovers. Or even worse, just call or text them for the emotional validation.
Once they get said validation, they see no point in “risking it” with new girls, even though they know the OLD girls aren’t right for them.
Earlier I talked about the old seduction community adage. What I’ve come to realize is that it’s not that guys don’t want to talk to girls; it’s that they actually believe that their efforts will be futile. So it’s easy to quickly forget because they just tell themselves, “Eh, it wouldn’t have worked anyway, so I shouldn’t beat myself up.”
With old girls, they’ve already approved of you. You have little chance of rejection. Why put yourself on the line for something that stands a high chance of not working out? Relationships are always better the second time around anyway, right?
#3: Staying In Unhealthy Relationships
There are many valid reasons to call it quits with a girl. In reality, 95% of the relationships you’ll be in won’t end in marriage, so most relationships are a learning experience anyway.
But men get caught up in the fear of the unknown and the emotional
security that their relationship offers them. And notice I
that their girlfriend offers
them. Because often I see guys take so
much abuse and drama from their girlfriends.
You fall in love with the idea of having someone to care for and be cared for by, and you wouldn’t risk chancing it in the cruel, uncertain world.
You would much rather stick with the abuse and fighting and continue holding on to your relationship crutch.
#4: Unnecessarily Devaluing Particular Women
You know these guys. Maybe you are one of these guys. These are the guys who say things like “I could definitely get that girl, but… she’s not that hot / she’s too skinny / she looks like she has a boyfriend / she’s not my type.”
You often hear them talking about how they ”could” get girls, but you never see them actually “getting” them or “trying” to get them.
This behavior is usually a result of men being afraid of losing face in front of their friends. Maybe they are all guys who think that men should never be rejected if they have looks or money or attitude, and rather than chance incurring that shame or humiliation, they endlessly talk up their theoretical abilities.
And usually that’s all their abilities are. Theoretical. And if you want to theoretically get women, feel free to stop reading right here.
#5: Watching Porn
This leads me to my next point… porn. Chase wrote an article a while back about breaking porn addiction and sleeping with real life girls instead. Watching porn is one of the most common addictions in the West, and especially in America.
Why go out and “game” girls when you can have any beautiful girl or two you want at your fingertips? And she’ll be in any place and fulfill any fantasy you want. Well, read Chase’s article about the psychological implications of porn addiction.
This idea can even apply to excessive sexting. No man should invest his existence in a digital life. Machines can’t bring you a wife, or family, or even legitimate connection with another human being.
Only other human beings can do that, and unless you’re out in the real world, you’ll miss out on this important aspect of living.
#6: Online Dating and Social Media
There’s nothing wrong with looking online for a viable woman, but the whole point of the service is to facilitate in-person interactions. Many guys use online dating and social media as a shield for not having to get rejected in person. So what if you read some text about how a girl doesn’t want to see you? You can just close the window and go back to watching porn.
But if you haven’t handled your conversational skills/fundamentals, seeing women in your inbox is the farthest you’re ever going to get.
#7: Not Being in the Right “Zone”
Mm, maybe you don’t have the right outfit. Maybe you didn’t listen to your pump-up song before going out. Maybe you didn’t bring your wingman. Maybe it’s a combination of things. But for one reason or another, you are simply not prepared to talk to girls.
Just like you weren’t quite prepared last time. Or the time before that. Or that one time where you were prepared, but just weren’t “feeling” any of the girls.
Because everyone knows that girls expect you to be pumped up, in your perfect outfit, with your ideal wingman, in the ideal place, wearing your lucky necklace to give you any kind of chance with them, right?
#8: Paying for Sex
Sex tourism is prevalent in many of the Southeast Asian countries that I’ve visited in the past. Men fly from all over the world and pay top dollar (or… should I really say “bottom dollar”?) for high quality girls (or… should I say often men dressed up as or surgically transformed into girls?).
Why waste time pumping girls full of drinks when you can get the milk
straight from the cow? It’s not like it’s expensive, or offers no long
term value, or could be dangerous, or wouldn’t be something you’d
proudly boast about to people you’re trying to impress.
#9: Video Games and TV
Finally, why try to sleep with girls when you could at last reach that level 69 General badge in Call of Duty (irony in the number?)? Or why improve your game when you could watch the latest episode of Parks and Rec?
The average American spends 9 years in front of a TV screen anyway; why not join the crowd?
Now that I’ve laid out the sorry excuses, let me talk about why you should toss them out the window.
Believe it or not, I am a writer. And one of the most important aspects of being a writer is the ability to take criticism.
Does is hurt the first time? Absolutely.
Does it feel like you are exposing a delicate part of yourself to the world that most men don’t often show, only to have someone tear it apart? Absolutely.
But does it hurt the 50th time? Not as much.
Does it hurt the 200th time? Not really.
One of the main rules for critiques among writers is that you never make the critique about the person. The critique is always about the work that is presented and what does and doesn’t fit well. I can honestly say that when it comes to seduction, 95% of girls adhere to this same principle as an unspoken rule.
Believe it or not, women fear rejection more than men (owing to the fact that they are not the natural aggressors in seduction). Besides being pretty naturally socially restrained, they fully understand how much courage it takes to walk up to a complete stranger and try to seduce them.
So even if you’re approach is awkward, too strong, or just plain terrible, girls will never verbally attack your manhood or make you slink away in shame. Maybe if you’re a serious creeper. But even then… they will probably just roll out with their friends and talk about how creepy you were in private, or make one of their orbiting guys come to their rescue.
They really don’t want to hurt your feelings. Women react to how you present yourself. Not you. Because they know nothing about you. You could be the smoothest guy in the world, but if you completely fumble an approach, a girl will walk away thinking you’re the most awkward guy she’s met in a while (at least until she soon forgets your existence).
On the other hand, you could be Steve Erkel, but if you come off like Jaleel White (the actor who played him, who is actually quite smooth), a woman would think you’re a regular Casanova (at least until she tests you and possibly finds out otherwise).
I’ve only ever seen a girl completely blow out a guy 2 or 3 times in my entire life. And those were more because the guys were seriously threatening their social status than making attacks on their character or even making an awkward approach.
Seduction, just like all human social relations, is a matter of appearance. So just like someone telling me that a certain story section is awkward and doesn’t communicate my idea well, rejection is a woman’s way of simply telling you that part of your game is awkward and doesn’t communicate your dominance and/or sexiness well.
So stop catastrophizing. When you get rejected enough times, you start to realize that you need rejection as a beginner and even intermediate. That’s right; you need rejection.
Just like a person looking to master a skill or a craft looks to the feedback of others and their results to improve his form and execution, you need rejection to reveal your sticking points and other weaknesses in your process or execution.
The learning curve has been made so much easier for you; all you need to do is collect data points for yourself and figure out where your strengths and weaknesses lie.
But only being rejected can show you that.
Break Through the Barriers
After you pass the initial start point and begin improving your skills, you can let go of the small losses and focus on the big picture. I often like to use sports analogies for this sort of thing, so here is another one.
Think about a game of basketball. If you’re in the flow of a game and you take a high-percentage shot and miss, the coach will pat you on the back and tell you to forget about it. But, if you’re not a good shooter, and you take a wild shot at a key time, and miss or make it, the coach will lay into you. He’ll lay in so hard that you never want to think about taking such a stupid shot again.
It’s the same with seduction. Unless you’re the Kobe, LeBron or Durant of seduction, you need to fix the glaring holes before you can go for the half court shot. And just like shooting being a basic skill in b-ball, overcoming a fear of rejection is a basic skill in seduction.
The key is to remove the barriers and excuses.
Give yourself no other choice. Make sure your friends are people who will support you when you get rejected. And if you still can’t start approach, tell those friends to take away your phone and computer, or whatever it is in your life that truly matters to you, until you’ve made a certain number of approaches and worked to conquer your fear.
Imagine you were looking for a job. Maybe you were putting some effort into it, but you spent a good deal of time on Facebook or watching cat videos. Now, imagine that your landlord walked into your apartment, and told you that he can’t have unemployed people living in his building. So if you didn’t get a job in a week, you’re out on the street.
How motivated would you be? Would continue to waste time on Facebook? Would you sit on your couch telling yourself you’d look for work tomorrow?
Now… imagine that you landed a few quality interviews, started meeting some of your potential co-workers, got a good job, and then started bonding with people at a happy hour or two… would you feel excited? Would you feel the anticipation of not only getting paid, but exposing yourself to great people?
The initial motivation is not the entire point. The initial motivation is the catalyst to transform your life, but the growth and the enjoyment come from the process and small victories. Soon you forget about the initial motivation, and realize that you’ve simply achieved by taking action.
The same stands for overcoming your fear of rejection. You have to remove all of the barriers and give yourself no choice but activate the catalyst.
Does It All Just Click?
When I was a beginner at martial arts, the first thing I was told was that I would have to learn how to walk, and that that would be the hardest part of the beginning stages. “Impossible,” I thought. I’d been walking all my life, how could it possibly be that difficult?
But there I was… on the training mat… every morning. Looking like a damn fool because I couldn’t master three steps. Those three steps were together one of the most difficult things I had ever tried to learn. The weeks passed, and I kept rehashing the same lesson over and over again. And getting criticized by the master over and over again.
And then one day… I was standing in my room listening to music, and I started martial arts walking to the beat without thinking about it. I hadn’t even realized what had happened for several minutes. And the next day, I was “walking” along, and finally demonstrated my readiness to learn other things.
You don’t realize the steady progress you make each and every day until the day that it just “clicks.” It’s not that it happened instantaneously; it’s that your mind simply doesn’t pay attention to the little details.
Maybe at first you’ll be sweating and nervous when you see a pretty girl. But then maybe one day you’ll be able to say hi. And then maybe one day you’ll be able to banter. And then maybe one day you’ll ask her home – analyzing your successes and many failures along the way.
And then maybe one day… you’ll face a really harsh rejection… and simply smile, wondering what you were so afraid of when you first started.
So remove the barriers. Drop the excuses. And as always…
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