Don't Let Your Approaches/Courtships Be Adversarial | Girls Chase

Don't Let Your Approaches/Courtships Be Adversarial

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

adversarial approach
If you get your hackles up, or start to feel defensive, it’s easy to turn adversarial on dates and in conversations. Yet do this, and you will quick run into walls with women...

Here’s an insidious problem it’s easy to overlook.

Sometimes if you hit the bars, or the street, or a party, and your first few approaches don’t go well, and you pick up a couple rejections, you can start to sour on the whole ‘chat up new girls’ thing.

Or sometimes if you have a history of rejection... or you’ve been reading too much anger-inducing content on the Internet... or you’ve just had a terrible day in general... this can happen.

Basically: you start to expect the worst, and either bristle for it, go in adversarially, or both.

And when a woman talks to you, she can feel it: you’re defensive, guarding against rudeness, insult, or dismissal. And/or you’re aggressive, treating her like an opponent whose defenses and objections you must ‘beat’, instead of as a friend you’d like to help lead around those objections (and into bed).

Yet the more adversarial you let your approach become, the worse it will usually do.

You need to not do this to make things work better with girls.

Comments

Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

Hope the weather's treating you well (which ever country you're exploring now :D)
Summer is coming and I can't wait to do more approaches without the rain and snow in the way!

Great article!
It reminds me of what Gambler said about how "Disagreeing with women on light topics to generate attraction by convincing her to agree with you".

So instead of:
Girl: I love eating tacos!
Him: Yeah I like tacos too (lie) / Tacos aren't really my thing but I like X (which is somewhat related.)

Or

Girl: I believe immigrants should not be allowed
Guy: Yeah I agree! (and continues to relate to why she might feel that way, when he predominantly does not agree)

He does:
Girl: I believe immigrants should not be allowed
Him: Immigrants bring more diversity and development. Just look around, so many different foods we can try thanks to them

Girl: I love tacos!
Him: Tacos are unhealthy but i guess everyone has a guilty pleasure food

What do you think about that? Does it work in generating attraction your expert opinion?

Re: Approaching moving girls by walking next to her

So I can't remember which comment you wrote about how in daygame or street approaches, you preferred to walk next to them as they walk and open them that way instead of standing in front of them and stopping them. But searching through your site, and did not find it again. However, I found the article on "How to do a Street Stop" and "Side stop" was the only remotely related tactic.

But recently I tried doing that walking next to her thing.
It works on people who are strangers, and they stop when I open them. So essentially it's a side stop.

But Let's say if it's a girl you know from class and you two leave together...(not a stranger)
She's going X, and you're going Y (but you don't mention this to her) so she's walking and you're walking next to her together.

I came across two issues.

2 issues:
A) When she walks a little ahead of you but keeps your pace (because we know as sexy men, we don't have fast pace), there isn't an increasing gap...

This is weird though. Especially if you two are talking.
How would you fix this?

B) Since you two are walking, she might not always look at you as you talk. Maybe brief glances as you speak but generally her eyes will be on the road.

And when she's not looking and you stop or you're about to change direction, she won't notice this (if she's a little ahead of you in the walk) and end up keep going until she turns back and sees you.

Which is awkward.

C) Curiosity question: Would her pace and her frequency in looking at you as you talk while you two walk, be indicator of her interest in you (whether it's value or attainability)?

Sometimes a girl may talk and reply to me, but not be looking at me as we walk and talk.
I don't know, but it feels weird to me...something's off.
Which is ironically made me hesitate to ask one of the girls to hang outside of class and took the option of chatting once more before suggesting that...Probably a bad move.

If walking beside her is one of your tactic, how do you execute this? Maybe I remembered it incorrectly or maybe i'm executing it incorrectly.

Looking forward to your insight.

Thanks Chase,
Lawliet

Lawliet's picture

1. I'm certain you advocate the concept of "showing her a side of you to resembles her" so you can relate to her and she becomes more connected (more she tells you about herself).

I can't find the article of this notion, but I remember specifically you said "You're out there to make friends or girlfriends, not arguments or debates".

Similarity! And psychology research supports similarity too.
How couples are similar in SES, attractiveness, IQ etc. (which is weird because I want someone who might bring more into the relationship, not another me)

2. Whereas Gambler says to disagree intentionally and convince them to side with you generates attraction.
His way of disagreeing isn't your "Disagreeing with women: Playfully," yet not necessarily adversarial.
It's more of "selling others your standpoint" and if they side with you or somewhat can agree, it increases their attraction to you?

What are your thoughts on this, Chase?

Side question:
What are the things YOU say that increases girl's attraction to you during an interaction?

Thanks,
Lawliet

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lawliet-

Gambler's approach looks like a moral superiority play. I've known a few guys who used this disagreement style (here's my approach to disagreeing with women, which I'm sure you've read).

The moral superiority approach to disagreeing hinges on two things:

  • That you come across exceptionally high value, and

  • That the woman you use it on is eager for your approval

If either of those is untrue, the approach repels whoever you use it on by driving a wedge of dissimilarity between you the other person is unwilling to do anything about. However, if both are true, it can force the person you use it on to submit to your way of seeing things in an effort to rebuild similarity between you.

I very much dislike this approach, because I dislike social ladder climbing in general and because I much prefer the types of women this approach does not work on (e.g., free spirited, independently minded, influence resistant types) and prefer to stay away from the types it does work on (e.g., conformist, followers of popular thought, quick to change their opinions to match what's fashionable or what authority figures tell them is 'right', etc.). There's no denying it does work on a certain subset of women though.

The key is you must come across as an elite, high value male who will quickly lose patience with/interest in her IF she does not conform to your way of seeing the world. If you do not come across sufficiently elite/high value, not only will you turn off influence-resistant women, but you'll fail to motivate the more easily-influenced women to give chase and bridge the similarity gap (you're not high value enough or enough of an authority for them to alter their views over).

==

On walking with girls:

  • If someone is walking with you, and walks ahead of you, at a quickened pace, and is leaving you behind, she is trying to get away. Tell her "Hey, slow down, you're running away from me!" and try to get her to slow her pace. But if she still doesn't listen or insists she's in a hurry or whatever it is, usually best just to let her go (if you're super persistent, maybe you speed up to match her pace and run wherever she's going with her... I'm skeptical you'll have much luck with that though, since she knows at that point you're chasing - she's leading the pace, you're following)

  • If you're about to turn, and you're in the lead, tell her "Let's make a right" and turn. Or tap her on the shoulder to get her to look, and gesture in the direction you're about to go

C) Curiosity question: Would her pace and her frequency in looking at you as you talk while you two walk, be indicator of her interest in you (whether it's value or attainability)?

Yes, almost without fail.

Two people who are into each other naturally sync up their walk speeds as they walk. And even shy women will glance at you reasonably often.

If she's not keeping pace with you, she wants the conversation to end. If she isn't looking at you much/at all, she probably is not much interested.

Try to get her more interested, or else just toss her back into the sea and find a girl who's more interested.

Also, note these things can be time-related. I remember having girls I tried to chat up in university who failed to keep pace with me while walking, and I could tell they weren't interested, so just let them go. Then a few months later they'd be real flirty with me. Things change; just because she's not into you now doesn't mean she won't be later (especially if you get some preselection going in class, or are a standout guy in the classroom).

Chase

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