Gratitude is a strong signifier of a socially calibrated
individual. Not only does it help your interactions, but it
increases your attractiveness, too.
This Thanksgiving, I figured I’d talk about gratitude.
One of the tools I’ve long used offhand to gauge someone else’s level of social calibration is whether and when he says thank you for things.
“Thank you” is a powerful phrase. It can be used to build bonds, to reward, or even to manipulate. Its absence can rub people the wrong way and cause them to see you as ungrateful and uncalibrated. It can raise your attainability, used right, or plummet it, if it isn’t given when it’s expected.
Beyond its effect on others, your use of gratitude affects you too. Thanking others reminds you you aren’t on your own; that you are part of a society, aiding others and being aided in turn.
In this article, we’ll focus on the effects on others when you use – or forget to use – gratitude.
But don’t forget the power it has to make you feel good too. Giving thanks for what you’re grateful for pays its own great dividends.
Comments
hello chase, what about being
hello chase, what about being very specific about what and why are you thanking the person, like: " thanks you this is very important to me" , or " thank you for remembering my birthday, or " i really apreciate our friendship" ( on a more abstract or meta level than the specific favor you receive)".
Specific Gratitude
Stef-
Yes, specific is excellent. Same rule as with specific compliments:
"Thank you, this muffin is delicious" is better than "Thank you."
"I really appreciate our friendship" is better than "I appreciate that."
If you can do specific, your gratitude will almost always come across as more heartfelt, and it will have a bigger impact.
Chase
Dominant+Prosocial
Hi Chase,
Could you make an article or a comment about how to be dominant yet display pro-social behaviors, be warm and inclusive, etc...
-Kev
How to be Dominant & Prosocial
Kevin-
I will add it to the topics queue. Although that's a very broad topic... sort of like how to be stylish + sexy, or witty + cool. Etc. Have to get the right angle for that.
That said, I think much of the stuff we've covered on social calibration should do the trick for this too:
Each of those discusses maintaining a dominant frame while also being prosocial. Check 'em out if you have not yet read.
Chase
Making it easy for you
Hey Chase,
So, sometimes a girl will make it fairly easy for you. Not that I mind, but I wonder why is that, if she is an attractive girl:
Is it because you ve got tight fundamentals, relative to her standards?
Is she experienced/not experienced?
Is it something else?
And as always, thanks for everything you're giving us man.
Cheers, John
Why Do Girls Sometimes Make It Easy for You?
John-
Could be either of those bullets you listed, or a million other things. It could be:
Etc.
There are so many things it can be. You can guess, but will often discover your guess was wrong (should you ever be able to find out the real reason she made it so easy for you... which often requires picking the girl's brain after sex, and then interviewing her again months later if you continue to date her to find out any other hidden factors that went into her behavior that she may not have revealed the first time around).
Chase
I can attest to the prosocial
I can attest to the prosocial and dominance = attractive or not part of the article. As a kid I always felt like I was being ignored and I didn't want other people to feel that way so I made it a point to always say 'thanks' at the very least.
Not at all attractive until I started really getting into this stuff. Now that I'm more dominant with women I noticed a huge difference between how attracted women interact with either me or my cousin.
He's not a huge thanker when it comes to women and is more cocky funny and you can still tell that they're attracted to him and are willing to comply but they also come off as a little more cold and aloof, which I would absolutely hate. But women that are attracted to me are very noticeably nicer in general and warmer.
After reading this article I'm pretty sure that the reason is because I try to always say 'thanks'. Though I've never thought of the 'sincere thanks' part of this article so I'm definitely interested in checking out what happens!
Prosocialness's Effect on Women's Behavior with You
Cool share, Alexander.
Yes, men who aren't prosocial will get brusquer behavior from women, even if those women like them. People just tend to mirror your behavior back to you if they like you. If you're a warm guy, women who like you will usually try to be warm to you. If you're a cold guy, women who like you will show interest without lowering their guards too much.
Sounds like you're getting the reaction you want. Your cousin may actually prefer his women a little colder (some guys like that).
Chase
Love this article
Hey chase! Love the article. Not sure where you got the science percentages. We're these just polls you've taken or???
Source
Brandon-
Glad you liked it! Percentages are from the results listed in this paper:
Dominance, prosocial orientation, and female preferences: Do nice guys really finish last?
Chase
Losing my Mind
1. Hey Chase, I wake up everyday with regrets, sadness, and a feeling unworthy. I'm deeply saddened because I am no where near where I need to be with money or girls, and I'm not even half way there, I feel so sad and defeated after I wake up. Only thing I can think of is to overwork myself, and the only way I can feel happy is if I can make up for all of this lost time. Is it productive to overwork myself now to make up lost time?
I'm not even decent in these things and I feel like it was just luck more than action because there's many people who don't study anything or work on anything really, but have the luck and enivornemt to help them get those things.
These people didn't work on these things, they were in a environment or got lucky.
I'm here studying looking all online and I don't have shit, I didn't luck into shit. These people with work for this shit. It makes me mad that I have to struggle for these things.
2.a while back I remember reading a comment you wrote about if you worked retail or trade your time for money it be depressing. I agree, but all I have are those options now, so that strengthens my depressing. I'm educated, well spoken, study how to do interviews, worked on my resume many times, and I have not gotten shit, but retail. I want to know how can I not trade time for money? Anddo you think working a full time job job ruin my motivation for making a business or learning skills?
3. Remember I made that comment about these young people making money on the internet ? Well I'm sure you heard about the lil kid making $11 million a year from YouTube. A lot of people make money off of YouTube and show off all of their luxurys, all of the time, I know some YouTubers who talk down on people who work jobs and stuff like that.
Then you got Instagram people who show off all of the time, then you got these hoes who don't work at all and just show their body and they don't have to lift a finger to get money at all.
I'm so angry looking at these people, it makes me very angry because I don't have shit, and they think they're better than everyone because they want to sell themselves out all over the internet.
You can't really ignore it either because it's all over the internet and news.
I love watching YouTube, but it makes me mad these people show off so much, and I don't want to put myself out there like that at all, I like my privacy, but it seems that's the only way I'll make a lot of money.
The thought of putting myself out there for the whole world to see is a bad feeling, they'll see all my mistakes, what if people talk bad about me from my past and now all of these people know it? I don't want to make myself known like that, I like my privacy. They also talk a lot about age on YouTube, so the age issue is very huge there. They talk a lot of crap about YouTubers ages, even if they're not that old. That's another thing that makes me mad and worries me.
But it seems that's the only way to make a lot of money.
I get so mad when they show off all of their luxuries, like their million dollar houses, cars, clothes, etc.
It makes me so mad, so mad, and their young.
I keep thinking that I have to do this, this is how I will be my own boss and get a lot of money, but the cons are I'm known by millions of people now, people might come from my past to try to expose embarrassing moments from my life that I would not want all of them to know.
I'm so bitter and angry and depressed about this. Not watching it doesnt help because the thoughts remain.
It's a bad feeling to feel that I need to put my life all over the internet so i can get rid of all my debt, not have to worry about school anymore, not have to worry about what am I gonna do with my life anymore, not have to worry about money anymore, not worry about a car anymore, I could also fuck all of the pretty Instagram hoes because they'll know who I am, and they'll know I have money, they can't tell me shit, then I'll dump them after. I don't have to worry about finding a job ever again, and do things on my own terms.
Also you could lose your fan base as well and would have wasted putting yourself all on the internet for no reason.
Deep down I want to do this, so I don't have to worry about money, but I dont want to put myself online at all, I love being offline, I don't want to put myself out there, especially for the reasons I have mentioned.
There's also a video of me sparring and not doing good and people on the internet always talk shit about people who don't do good at anything.
That spar still hunts me til this day and one of the main reasons I don't want to be online.
It's hard not to be angry at stuff like that.
What's your advice to my situation?
4. It seems the only way I'll make a lot of money is putting myself on the internet whether YouTube, blog, freelance etc. I really like to not put anything of myself on the internet, I loath it. I'd rather make money in private.
You even have a picture up if you ( how do you keep what you do private anyways? I'm sure people type in peoples names all of the time online to find them)
It seems that I have to put myself online to make a lot of money, but I want to keep my personal life to myself and I don't want stuff that people know about me on the net because they're jealous and make me want to look bad.
Saying that,
A. Are there was I could make a lot of money without having to show myself online?
B. How can I let go of these fears that I have of haters trying to embarrass me with stuff from the past? How do I handle it if it ever was to happen, God forbid, and get people to still like me.
5. What should I do about that situation where I sparred? I feel bad for it and don't want that going around if I get famous.
6. Is there a way I can fuck these Instagram girls for free at all? Can I use game and muscles to seduce them ?
They're so pretty to me.
7. How can I change my life/ how does a person change their life?
How do you go from someone to someone else?
I daydream a lot of my future self, I'm just the man with everything, but I want to stop daydreaming and be it.
How did you change who you were to who you are now?
How can I change myself, instead of dreaming about it?
The main problem I'm having right now is seeing all of these young people making all of this money on the internet, I have always been against putting myself online, now you can change your life with it. That is a big reason why I'm depressed, I get so angry at them, and myself. I'm so fucking mad, I feel like shit, I feel like I can't compare to them. I want to be better than them.
I'm extremely stressed out, thanks.
How to Change Article
Thinking about what I asked; I'd like tips right now on changing as a whole person, but you think you could make an article about changing as a person and having it stick ?
Changing is very hard because it's kind of who you are; your default way of thinking.
I sit here and write this realizing that I am still the same person I always was, no matter what changes, I don't mind the good, but there are things I want to change. Certain ways I've been since a child I want to change.
Re: How to Change Article
SZ-
Read my comment to you about your negative self-image:
Negative Self Image
You don't need another article. You need to do the steps in the depression article. And you need to do them again and again until your thinking is more functional.
Chase
Attitude of Gratitude
Hi Chase,
I think I wasn't really a grateful person throughout my life, which was what led me to my first breakup which was what got me into seduction into first place.
I think I never really appreciated the people around me, and even though I was with such a hot girl which ended up being my first girlfriend, I kept on looking for the next thing, the next hit and never appreciated her.
Anyways, I'm grateful that you are taking the time to put out content and to put this your life purpose to help other guys get better with girls, Chase. I think gratitude shifts you from a place of lack to a place of abundance and we never really know when will be the last article being written, the last time you date to a specific girl, or the last time you see a friend.
Anyways, thank you.
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