How to Fix the "He's Not a Boyfriend" Frame | Girls Chase

How to Fix the "He's Not a Boyfriend" Frame

Chase Amante

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he's not a boyfriend
Girls will sleep with you, but they won’t date you… and you can’t figure out why. But there are 3 reasons this happens (and you can fix them all).

This article is targeted to upper-intermediate-to-advanced daters with retention problems.

For many of the readers of this website, the problem they have is acquisition, not retention. That is, they can hang onto a girl when they get her... it’s the ‘getting’ where they have difficulty. But there are some men in the opposite boat.

If you’re in the other boat, it’s no problem for you to get girls into bed. You bed new girls often enough, and are content with your sex life. The only issue is, it’d be nice if some of those girls stuck around to become girlfriends... but they don’t. They never stick around.

The common root of this problem is also the common root of their success: how utterly they disqualify themselves as boyfriends. Because they make it simple for women (“This guy is attractive, but he is not a boyfriend at all”), sex becomes much easier to get. She doesn’t have to ask herself if she risks losing a guy she’d like to keep by sleeping with him fast... because she doesn’t want to keep him.

Yet once she’s had her fun with a guy like this, it’s time to move on, because, well, she doesn’t want to keep him.

Today we’ll talk tactical fixes to the three (3) usual sources of the “he’s not a boyfriend” frame: value, attainability, and screening.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

GET CHASE’S MASTERY PACKAGE

Comments

Alexander Abraham's picture

As someone who is passionate about photography and creativity in general, I would love another article fleshing out the approach for using your own artistic side as a weapon of mass seduction!

I suppose it's easy enough to just mention (by the way, totally stealing and adapting your line above for photography) something about how people express themselves in front of the camera and link it back to the girl in front of you. But I guess I just want more :P

Love the article, but would greatly appreciate how to turn your artistic side into working for you more.

EXTRA INFO: just about my situation in case a comment is all that's really required
I love photography and plan on using my Instagram account to become a social media influencer. Using an adventure account and a different account geared more towards portraits (women and boudoir but also photographing manly portrait pics as well) as social circle tools to fund my life, fulfill my creative needs as well as bring women in as another funnel (and bring in platonic male/female friends which I'm already working on!)

I know of a few people that do this, but tips to curve the learning process is always a plus. Thanks again for the article!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Alexander-

Ooh, yeah, that'd be a great topic. What I'd really want to see though would be articles from guys who specialize in this. e.g., a guy who uses his camera to seduce; a guy who uses sculpture to seduce; etc.

That's not me; I just use a dash of art here or there to flesh out my persona. I've not used it to its full extent though, and don't want to speculate too much.

I'll put some feelers out though and see if I can find anyone competent to write on these strategies. I had a buddy who cut his teeth on nightclub ONSes but moved over to doing a lot more social circle, with his photography as a big part of his strategy for closing, getting girls naked in his apartment, etc. Haven't talked to him in a few years... I wonder if he'd write an article for GC on that...

Chase

Alexander Abraham's picture

Dude that'd be awesome! Thanks!

Kilyan 's picture

You mentioned having/ having had friends from broadly different backgrounds.
How do you meet and fit with these people who are 'different' from you. Change yourself to fit them? Or extend certain aspects of you. Also, how to find and start changing your 'scene'
Appreciated Chase

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Kilyan-

Talk less, listen more. Be something of a chameleon. Different people from different backgrounds have different nonverbal behaviors, postures, facial expressions, voice tones. The better you can match them without being a parody of them, the more of a kindred spirit to them they will feel you are.

Takes a certain amount of time and exposure to different peoples before you can get a feel for them and adapt yourself to them. But if you are attentive and have it as a goal to learn how to be like them and be with them, you will pick up on everything fast.

If you can, look for situations where you will be forced to be around some type of person who is different from you for a while. Work, school, living overseas, all these can be chances to be around people who are quite different, which can give you the chance to observe, learn, and "incorporate the operating systems" of people dissimilar to you.

You can actively seek them out if you go to diverse areas. e.g., I have often frequented bars in the more international or chaotic parts of whatever town I'm in, and befriended various people this way. When you hang out with these people, they will pull you out of the diverse area and into their own homogeneous areas (e.g., I've had dinner and wine with millionaire white business owners, gone drinking with lower middle class whites who liked to party hard and do drugs, and attended a cookout with illegal Mexican immigrants all in a single weekend, just because I had friends from each of these worlds and each pulled me along to their various events in their worlds). For the most part it is about cultivating a new friend here, a new friend there, a girl you hook up with that place, a girlfriend you take from that background, and over time you can build a portfolio of all kinds of different people you know from all different walks of life and perspectives.

Chase

JasonH's picture

Hi Chase,

I'm going to assume height falls under the 'Not a boyfriend screening' category? (referring to girls that are my height or slightly taller). I've had this experience with 3 girls now. Slept with 2 of them and they've delivered similar things to me as to why they slept with me i.e you're cute, sexy, 'most attractive guy at the time' but they saw it as a one time thing. One of them I did everything but sexual intercourse with and received a somewhat/similar reply.

These girls have also stated 'height' as their no.1 thing on paper, but being a girlschase reader I didn't let this stop me (If my fundamentals are tight enough and I make her feel good it should be no problem). For some context I'm 5 foot 9 and they are around the same height 5 foot 8 - 5 foot 9.5

It could be a combination of factors to some extent i.e I could be disqualifying myself as a boyfriend too much but since all these girls have been within similar social background etc and I've been mostly higher social status I'm thinking this is not the problem.

Tall girls like other girls flirt back, are playful with me and the dynamic is there despite their on paper requirements so I mostly ignore it, but just wondering if I should start screening for shorter goals now as they may be better fits because I'm mostly getting bummed out with this now haha. (I'd like something long term with these girls as they have the qualities I want but don't can screen out taller girls if necessary)

Cheers,
JasonH

JasonH's picture

I guess this can fall under the category of should we pursue a long-term relationship with a woman if we don't fit her logical/on paper requirements? e.g Height, race, some other thing a woman desires on paper, but you have either slept with her or there is obvious sexual tension between the two of you(flirting,teasing etc) and you could sleep with her in the future.

How does this relate to 'fascination and excitement'; is it possible for a woman to be 'fascinated' when you don't have a specific requirement or is the attraction more to do with 'excitement' i.e if you dial back the game on your end essentially she won't be interested because you're not actively doing anything to excite her.
As a side note: It makes sense to me to go for girls who are 'fascinated' for long term r/ships.

Would be great to hear your thoughts on it, so I can get my head around it and not get emotionally invested into women who are only 'excited' by me.

Cheers,
JasonH

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Jason-

Hard to say. It might be a factor, it might not be. Two lays and one girl fooled around with is a small sample size to draw conclusions from, especially when there are complicating factors (like that maybe you just disqualifed yourself as a boyfriend too much).

If you want to screen for height, my suggestion would be to screen for both girls who are shorter than you and girls who are taller than you (if that doesn't bother you). In general women who are maybe 5'11" or taller are much less picky about height, and many have made their peace with the fact that they will probably date a guy shorter than they are (if it's ever even bothered them).

I wouldn't worry too much about this as a factor just yet though. Sample size problems will kill you. Plenty of times in the past I have had some issue with girls where things went sour with a few girls in a row and I said to myself, "Is it because X thing...?" only for it to work out perfectly with the next girl, regardless of X thing. The smaller the sample size, the larger a role randomness plays in the outcome and the less you can trust vague or unclear signals. (I mean, it COULD be height. But even if it was with one of them, I suspect it's unlikely it'd be the smoking gun with all three girls)

The research suggests that the better you match a woman's ideal man, the happier she will be with you in her relationship. However, my experience has also been that when you give a woman a great relationship, she will tend to bend many of her 'ideal man' qualities to more closely match you.

Anyway, someone's 'ideal mate' is different from what she is viscerally attracted to (fascination). One is what she thinks she wants and would date in a perfect world. The other is what moves her at a primal level. Your first target should always be what speaks to her at her deeper self. After that you can worry about whether you check off all her boxes on paper or not - or whether you can inspire her to switch around where she has those boxes.

Chase

JasonH's picture

You're right it is too small of a sample. I do in general find women 5'11" want even taller men, both from what they vocalize and from seeing women in general with men taller than them (could be just men are taller than women on average though). But probably not practical or useful to spend time thinking about it since I cannot change it haha. Rather I would like to know how I can screen better for signs of 'fascination'/real attraction as opposed to excitement.

What signals am I looking for in a woman who is showing signs of 'fascination'/visceral attraction and how are they different to a woman showing 'excitement'. At the moment I can screen between interest vs disinterest within various social settings for e.g. daytime, college, nightime, parties etc. I've had girls excited around me be friendly, touchy (at bars, nighttime events) and I see it as them being attracted to me. Similarly I've had girls become more open and interested when I talk about sex/sexual subjects, which then often leads to some sort of intimacy down the line (but sometimes they see it as a one time thing). Other times I've had girls flip/flop early on before dates then come along, be passionate/intimate then change their minds the next day, which I take it are signs of excitement while with me but not 'fascination' with who I am.
I've aso had girls be nervous around me but be compliant and go with things and at other times just vocalize that they think I'm cute.

So I struggle to differentiate between excitement and fascination but would like to be able to pickup on these signals early i.e how do I know if it's from her primal deeper self. I'm thinking about minimizing by game/sex talk and seeing if I can identify whether they are 'fascinated' with me as I would've done nothing to actively excite them. I hope that makes sense.

Thanks again!
Jason H

Anonymous's picture

I'm a very quiet, non social dude that sleeps in and stays home a lot with no plans, who is pretty bored and tired of living like this. I have always been that why my whole life and I want to change that. I go to sleep thinking about all of the girls I want to sleep with that I meet, my phone is always dry, no one texts or calls me, so I don't friends. I also don't have any form of social media, I guess that's good because of what I read here, but I feel out of the loop with other people. I'm bored with life in a sense.

Well, I want to change that, how can I guy like me, who never has grabbed life by the balls, finally change his life and grab life by the balls!, have some fun and make life feel like it has meaning ?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

It's a gradual process. You will need to build new habits and routines... primarily new going out and new social habits/routines. You can absolutely get there though.

A few article suggestions to get you started:

Chase

Anonymous's picture

I've been wracking my brain with this, then a lightbulb hit, Chase might know!

I'm thinking this might be a weird question, you might not want to answer, but if you could give me an opinion, id appreciate it.

So I've been in debt for a long, long time, and it hasn't gotten better.

I've had only crappy low paying jobs and needed to use credit for emergencies, I have a lot of debt from that. I am paying so much monthly it's ridiculous.

I also took out a few school loans because I'm currently in college.

These credit card debts are too much for me, I can't get a car or an apartment with these credit card bills that I have. My credit score has dipped so bad that i cant do anything with it, And their interest is insane!

It would take me 4 years to pay it off, without using them at all.

While in school, with a crappy job, and paying these high bills, I can't do anything.

I was thinking of taking out more student loans to pay off my credit card debit, so I can finish school and get a better paying job, maybe even two, so I can focus on paying it off then.

If I do that, I can focus on school, have enough money for a car and an apartment, and my credit score will jump up!

I've been struggling for years and really want to do this, but don't know if it's the right choice.

My debt Is basically 40k combined with loans and credit card debt. I was thinking of taking out 20k to pay it off, like breaking even.

Plus student loans have a lower interest rate.

I always heard paying debt with debt is bad, but times are really hard.

Let me know what you think I should do.

Thanks!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

There is a way to defer payment on student loans if you do not have an income at present. So this might be an option: put your debt on student loans, defer payment... or even if you can't defer payment, at least your interest rate is not the stifling 15% to 25% normal credit card debt is (or higher if you've missed payments).

The other way you can juggle credit card debt is by opening up new cards with 0% APR on balance transfers, and transferring your high interest balances to those cards. And then once the 0% APR year is up, transfer the balance again to another new card, or to one of your older cards at a zero balance that is now offering you 0% APR to bring your balance back. This was how I survived $60K of card debt for a few years after a bunch of failed startups... but it might not be an option for you if your credit score is in the toilet.

If you can't do 0% APR cards, then student loans (which I think are around 7% APR?) are definitely a better option.

Of course, if you move your debt over, and then rather than pay it off you accumulate more debt, you'll be in an even worse position. So don't do anything like this until you're certain you'll be paying debt off.

You should always be taking a bite out of your debt every month, even if it isn't a lot. So long as it's shrinking each month, and not expanding, you're moving in the right direction.

Chase

Alexander Abraham's picture

Totally agree with Chase! However I'd like to add in another possible tactic and some general information about how Credit Scores work. Background = I worked in a credit card call center for nearly two years and talked to a lot of people in a lot of different departments for my info:

Chase is right that opening up a new card can help, but you also have to understand how credit score works.

Depending on your bank, they might report to the credit bureau's once a month, or once a quarter. You'd have to double check your banks on this one. This is important to know:

I don't know how long that you will remain in school but my school loan plan said that after I left school I would have 6 months without accruing interest or having to make payments. So if push comes to shove you could go back to school one semester a year and push your debt back much further this way (double check with your loan plan to make sure that if you start back with school it'll get deferred again, not all do but mine would).

During the time that you're not going to school make sure to work as much as possible. Learn a skill that you can take to Upwork, start doing Lyft or whatever. Pick up photography, grow a big Instagram following (around 10K or so is easily doable in 6-8 months) and start charging for shoutouts from other businesses. Or even start doing Fulfillment By Amazon. Lots of different things you can do here that can lead to a profitable business.

Also during this time you'll want to know exactly how often your credit card banks report to the bureau's. You'll also want to sign up for Credit Karma. Take out a student loan for as much as you can and use it to pay off as much of your credit cards as possible.

When it comes to credit cards and loans they report to the agencies and affect your score roughly in this way:
Total credit utilization = around 35%

Utilization means that if you have a total limit of 1K and you're using $350 dollars then you're using 35% of your total credit available. Anything above 50% is bad and will hurt you. Anything below 30% will help you, though 25% will not help you very much. The best way to be is between 1-10%.

Credit cards are what's known as revolving loans. So they report a little differently than actual loans like student loans. Loans like student loans also report credit utilization but since you take out a loan and pay it off later it will start at 100% utilization. Then it will drop as you make payments towards those loans.

So back to the 1K credit card example: say you take out a loan and pay off your credit card completely. So now you have 1K in a loan and 0 in credit cards. That means you're using 50% of your total credit available (1K in loan and 1K in credit card = 2K total and using 1K total = 50%).

Knowing that, I think it's best in your position to see if you can defer your loan payments using the above method of going to school one semester a year to keep deferring those payments. But this will also give you time to work and keep you from driving up your debt with more loans.

In addition, now that you know how often your banks report to the 3 major agencies you can plan it so that right before you take out another student loan you can also try to open another credit card with a 0%balance transfer promotion. Then take out the student loan and drive the total APR that you're paying into the dirt
Take out a low APR student loan and put the debt on that instead of credit card while also using a 0% APR promotion to take on the debt of your other cards.

Other credit score factors to take into consideration:
Payment history = 30% (don't ever miss a payment, it will stick to your record and murder your score for years)

Total accounts = can't remember but it's low (basically the government wants you to have at least 10 accounts open but this isn't a huge factor).

Total hits to your credit = also fairly low but when you have more and more credit checks this becomes much more important. So if you go to 10 banks and try to open 10 credit cards those later banks are going to decline you probably automatically because of this. It's very high risk behavior. It also takes 2 years for a credit check to come off of your record. So you don't want to have it checked very often.

Other stuff that I can't remember that isn't as important.

What is important is that you don't want to go to a bunch of banks all at once. I would suggest not going after more than two in two years. Depending of course on what's already on there which Credit Karma will help you figure out.

Recap:
Credit Score Calculations:
Total credit using vs what's available to you (credit utilization) = 35%
Payment history (are you missing payments?) = 30%

Those two together are nearly 3/4 of your entire credit score!

See if you can defer your payments by going to school one semester a year so that you can have time to work or start a business or whatever (Instagram Influencer, Amazon FBA, Upwork or whatever else you can think up).

Find out when your banks report to the credit agencies so that you can plan that around the time that you try to open another credit card with a balance transfer promotion. Then open another student loan.
Put the high APR credit card debt onto these lower APR options.

Have any other questions feel free to send me a DM in the forums: Regal Tiger (I have a picture of a teddy bear wearing sunglasses and some pink fuzzy handcuffs)

Good luck!

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