Interest Preference Desire | Girls Chase

Interest Preference Desire

Chase Amante

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interest preference desire
If you want to do something, but you never take action do it... what is that? It’s a case where you have the interest – but lack the desire.

A friend who has been consulting with me about the dating world visited me recently for a weekend – and brought some interesting stories to share. He graduated from college last year and moved to a new city, landing a prestigious job at a highly respected global firm with a six-figure starting pay and great benefits (right out of school!). Basically, he fulfilled the career dream he had since before college, and now he lives in a beautiful new apartment in a great part of town, with lots of space and lots of money.

Regarding this side of his life, he’s completely fulfilled – well, sort of. He likes his life on paper, but after actually speaking to him about the details, I discovered he feels immersed in soul-killing consumerism. He liked my tiny, modest apartment with its very human and soulful feel. Before leaving, he said my vibe had rubbed off on him – he felt sweeter and more relaxed.

Yet on the dating field, he hasn’t gone on a single date since moving to his new city. He has been following Girls Chase for almost two years and has since improved on his vibe and does cold approach occasionally. However, he has yet to ask out a girl in his new town. He tells me that he’s waiting to become more fit (he goes to the gym regularly and is still looking for new clothes) to present himself better. He’s also working on his fundamentals and is pursuing new hobbies and meet-ups where he might meet women. He also laments that there are no women in his area he really has a desire for. In other words, he doesn’t find them attractive, so they’re not even worth approaching or pursuing.

I will note that he did enjoy the look of women in my area – so location is a factor indeed!

He wanted to know what he could do to start dating women, and I told him that right now, there’s nothing he can really do, because no matter what I tell him, he’s not actually going to do it. How did I deduce this? I told him that in this moment in his life, he doesn’t want to date or learn to be with women badly enough; his focus is still on building his career, not learning to attract women.

In fact, his desire, as it was during college, remains in climbing his career and making lots of money – a big factor in his choice of city – while he merely has an interest in learning about women and dating. I told him nothing would happen for him until he actually held a real desire to be with a woman; for now, a sufficient desire doesn’t exist in him. I told him he’s waiting for a “perfect moment” that will never actually arrive.

What he actually needs to do to make any progress is to get the ball rolling, but his desire to grow career-wise suffocates that process.

I wanted to break down why things were the way they were for him, and thus came about the topic of this article. It’s a little abstract but very useful in deducing people’s intentions.

One of the great life lessons I am getting ever more acquainted with is that what people say they want or like, and what they actually, truly want – and what they actually do – are often very different things. This is what we’re going to talk about today: why these inconsistencies exist and how they show up.

Varoon RajahAbout the Author: Varoon Rajah

A New York City native, Varoon’s studied under many of the seduction industry’s leading instructors. His specialty is direct day game, where he meets girls on the street, on the subway, and in coffee shops. Varoon is the host for the Girls Chase Podcast, available on iTunes or via SoundCloud.

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Comments

Chase Amante's picture

What a fantastic post this is. I love this interest-preference-desire model, Varoon.

One area we'd need to expand on it I think is desire. Because you can change a man's actions and output dramatically by making something easier or harder. The harder it gets, the fewer men will achieve the outcome. The easier it gets, the more will achieve it. His desire seems to move up and down, but this really just seems to be base desire vs. opportunity cost.

e.g., let's say Tinder. Tinder's easy to use. But does it produce results? Imagine a world where you spend 20 minutes on Tinder and get a guaranteed hookup with a gorgeous girl for this very night, with very little messaging required. 95% of men will take advantage of this. Now imagine the same population of men, but now it takes 3 hours on Tinder, you get a pretty girl (not gorgeous), but you won't see her until four days from now, after a fair bit of messaging. Now maybe only 50% of men will do this. Now imagine the same group of men again, but Tinder's even harder... now you've got to spend 10 hours on it to get an okay girl (not gorgeous or pretty... just okay) and you won't get to meet her for another week, after lots of messaging. Now maybe only 15% of guys will do it. And so on and so forth.

The pitfall to me seems to be in saying, "Abe wants to get laid, but Carl does not want to get laid," just because Abe got on Tinder but Carl didn't. The case may well be (and probably is, with something like getting laid) that Abe has a "get laid" desire of 10, while Carl's get laid desire is only 5. Maybe for Carl, his "not spend hours on Tinder" desire outweighs his get laid desire, yet for Abe it's the other way around (he really wants to get laid, and if he has to slave for hours on Tinder, well, so be it). If you lower the number of hours a guy needs to spend on Tinder to get laid, at some point it falls below the threshold for Carl where he now also wants to get on Tinder and get laid. Even though his baseline desire hasn't changed.

This bit of things maybe ties into your "desire is quantifiable" bit.

There's also believability. When I first tried cold approach at age 18, I had this idea in my head I would move to the beach, get a job, and hit the clubs every night until I figured out one-night stands. But after just one night at the clubs (and a ton of rejections) I was in such shock, and such doubt that I could ever possibly make this idea work, that I just gave up. I spent the next four years trying to get good with music to learn that to get girls instead. My desire to get girls never went away, but my faith in my ability to ever get them a normal way (social circle was totally out; and now cold approach was too) just went to zero. So I tried fame and fortune instead. It wasn't until I had cause to reassess cold approach that I decided hey, you know what, this might be a more viable strategy than trying to become a rap star.

Another worthwhile note: if you can figure out what a guy actually DOES desire, you can often use this to motivate him into some other kind of action. For instance, for me, I have a very defiant/contrarian bent. So one of the biggest motivators to me is dismissal. If someone pushes the dismissal button and tells me I will never be any good at something (something I care about at least a little, anyway), often that's all the motivation I need to work my ass off until I excel at it. But not everyone works this way, so you can't just go around telling people they suck and will never make it, because for a lot of people this just pushes them away from something instead of sending them into a fervor of defiant action.

If you can figure out a guy's desires and push those buttons, in that case, you use one desire to help him accomplish an interest/preference (or, a desire that at present gets outweighed by other desires, like "don't overexert yourself" or "don't waste time on things that are too hard"). And oftentimes, success breeds desire. A lot of guys don't start off with a whole lot of desire to approach random women, but once you're good enough at it you get a deep desire to approach that just becomes a part of you.

Anyway. This is a great topic. Plenty of room to explore, too. If you write more on interest-preference-desire, I'd very much look forward to reading it, Varoon.

Chase

pp's picture

I would say that all this comes to two things, that brain's reticular activating system is responsible for:
1. Is it worth doing at all?
2. Can I do it under given circumstances?
If you can say yes to both, you do the thing. The problem with guys who delay pick up all the time is because their answer to second question is "maybe, most likely yes... not yet", this way it becomes not worth doing.
So reading articles without taking action makes some sense - it increases guy's confidence a little bit with every knowledge he gets and if he works consistently he might hit the tipping point still in his prime and do stuff.
I think main thing in motivating people is resolving these two questions.
1-no,2-no -- a hopeless guy who escapes reality with porn
1-yes, 2-no -- a guy might want to date amazing girl really badly, but his experiences show he can get some unattractive chicks only
1-no, 2-yes -- a guy might be reasonably good with women, but saving his face might matter more to him, so it becomes less of a point to do.
1-yes, 2-yes -- a guy who's confident at his ability to meet women sooner or later if he sticks at it and trusts the knowledge he can access or already has.

Author
Varoon Rajah's picture

Thanks for your insight!

On the notion of reading articles without taking action, my point of view is more from the angle of opportunity cost and learning from real experience - by reading the articles we ARE increasing confidence through knowledge, and it does move the needle closer to the tipping point. However, this approach still keeps everything in a SAFE, academic space - the real challenge, whether it's in improving social skills, or learning a new trade, or building an empire - is not in the academics but in execution, where you enter the fire and have to execute [learned] concepts in real time, with little reaction or preparation time. Preparation is good, but preparation doesn't really prepare you for the wild cards of the real, on the ground situation and it's specifics.

Taking action is a choice. Circumstances will always exist and rarely will we find "perfect" circumstances - I love meeting people who take action towards something DESPITE their circumstances, because to me that's a person who is truly driven and inspiring.

VR

JasonH's picture

Agree with Chase, I too found it a fantastic article and an interesting model. I would love to hear more about the impact desire has on women too (Impact of male desire on female desire) and some ways to show this desire to women (though I Imagine it'd be flirting, teasing, touching, vibe etc). I personally feel like I hold desire back way too much especially in the context of social settings, where there is more to lose (maybe my desire to save face from rejection is greater than my desire to be overtly direct).
I find myself far more direct in cold approach, maybe I can add in more direct flirty compliments in social settings?

Cheers,
Jason

Author
Varoon Rajah's picture

JasonH,

Glad you enjoyed the article! I'm going to write an article that expands on these concepts and will include detail on the impact of desire as well as how to showcase this.

However, just to start you off, think about it this way - men give/pursue and women receive/decide (in general); and women are both like mirrors and like water. One of the best analogies for women I've ever heard is "Women are water - they fit into whatever glass you put them in." When this is expounded, it means that women will react to whatever you present them, and will ALSO test the strength of your frame. Think about that in the context of your desire for her - if you go to a woman and present the frame "I desire you," assuming she is also attracted back (and attraction is either there or it isn't there, it's not a choice) she will throw back the tests "Do you REALLY desire me?" and "How MUCH do you desire me? Show me!" Effectively, the strength of a man's frame determines her reactive response and whether or not she thinks you're honest with your intention and desire, or full of shit just using her to get sex - a woman's biggest fear is being used by a man for sex without receiving any pleasure in return, pumping and dumping, then leaving.

Regarding social settings and the desire to save face - I'd want to know more about the context of the social settings and why you feel the need to hold back. Most social setting seductions are best done subtly, because women ALSO want to save face among the people they see continually, so here it's best to understand how she is viewed by her friends and people she cares about to understand how it's best to approach her. Typically as I do not run my seductions and women seeking in social settings except among super open minded people where everyone is doing some form of this, I've found through experience that it's best NOT to hold back. My rationale behind this is "well, I don't have her NOW and unless I put all my effort forward ANYWAY, I'm not going to get her, so fuck it...might as well put every part of my desire in and risk failing, rather than hold back for fear of failing." That being said, everything has to be calibrated - so for me, I put everything in but make sure it's done in a very calibrated and calculated fashion, and in my "game" process that usually involves a lot of patience as the pieces in chess tend to move rather slowly, and it ultimately depends on my understanding of the game and how X action will create Y result with a woman.

Hope that helps!

VR

Author
Varoon Rajah's picture

Chase,

Glad you enjoyed it! You bring forward some great points and areas to expand this topic, so I'm going to go ahead and expand the "Desire" subject in a future article which will follow up to this one!

It is interesting to read your tinder comparative model. In my own experience, I've been friends with some highly attractive men who used Tinder and have matched with tons and tons of hot girls on it who are willing to meet them that very night and have sex. These guys fall under the "Imagine a world where you spend 20 minutes on Tinder and get a guaranteed hookup with a gorgeous girl for this very night, with very little messaging required." I kid you not, these guys have thousand matches and most times the GIRLS message them first or propose a meet - and they are 9+ in attractiveness. However, how often do they actually meet these girls? Virtually zero times, or just once or twice - and I think it's because even though tinder is SUPER EASY to use for them and get exactly what they want, it's no longer a challenge or desirable. It's TOO easy. I believe it's the same for attractive girls on tinder, too. The greatest use of Tinder I've seen is for moderately attractive girls ("7's") to hook up with guys who are unattainable to them in real life ("8's, 9's, 10's").

You're also spot on about the motivational factors pertaining to desire - usually there's a sub-desire for some kind of recognition that's only psychologically apparent, but it's hidden beneath the surface of the action. I've also found a lot of times this psychological motivator is deep rooted and goes back all the way to childhood. Defiance is super interesting ("l'll prove you wrong, watch me!") as is Worthiness and Acknowledgement.

VR

pp's picture

"a interest" should be "an interest"

Chase Amante's picture

Thanks, PP. Just corrected.

-C

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